A City of Stars

"Bryce!" my mom barked from the doorway. "Get up! You know I don't like it when you sleep 'til noon, even if it's a weekend."

A soft grunt escaped my lips as I rolled over and stretched. I glanced at my mother in the doorway of my room, hands on her hips and a frustrated expression painted onto her face. She meant business. The last time I refused to get up, she poured cold water down my back and proceeded to smack me when I jumped up and used a few choice sentence enhancers.

Sitting up to show her I was awake, I scooted over to the edge of the bed. She left once she was convinced I was up, only to be replaced by my twin sister, Mikaela, the spitting image of our mother, just much more annoying.

"For fucks sake," she exclaimed, "put some pants on!" Looking down, I saw that I was clad in nothing but a pair of boxers.

"Get outta here," I grumbled sleepily. "Don't you have Barbie's to play with?"

"We're 18. Barbie's are sooo ten years ago." I heard her huff in frustration and storm downstairs, her footsteps thudding harshly on the floor.

With a great sigh, I collected a t-shirt and a pair of my favorite Levi jeans from my closet before heading down the hall to the bathroom. I could hear my mother screeching from the kitchen to hurry before my breakfast got cold.

"Be down in a minute," I hollered back. I twisted the shower knobs, adjusting them until the water settled at a warm enough temperature. Once under the showerhead, I began turning off the cold water in increments until I was left with nothing but scalding streams and steam clouds. I've always enjoyed imitating a rotisserie chicken. The hot water seemingly gave me energy for the day, and as the steam lifted itself off of my skin, it took all of my stress and tension with it.

Once fully accustomed to the heat, I grabbed my Harry's 'Redwood' body wash and loofa, scrub-a-dub-dubbing my body until I smelled like the evergreens, sandalwood, and mossy forest floors that the brand's marketing team claimed had inspired the scent. I rinsed off, shampooed, and conditioned my hair before stepping out into the foggy bathroom. When I went to grab a towel from the shelf, I noticed that there was no more skin moisturizer, and silently cursed Mikaela for using my shit. I have to moisturize or I'll get ashy. This is unacceptable. If she likes my stuff so much she should just get her own. With a sigh, I dried off, brushed my teeth, got dressed and headed back to my room.

Just as I walked through the door, my phone rang from the night stand by my bed.

Caller ID: "Shithead 😂"

I answered with my usual snark, "Mason County Mule Barn, head Jackass speaking. How may I help you?" A slight southern accent coating the words.

"Hey!" my best friend, Callum, answered enthusiastically. It takes him a while to open up, but once he does you'll see that his personality is among the bubbliest of our time.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Emma's in town and wanted to know if you wanted to come eat with me, her, and John, and go watch the new Underworld movie?" Suddenly, an odd fluttery feeling tumbled around in my stomach. I'm just hungry, I thought.

"Hell yea!" I responded. Emma is a good friend of ours that's a year ahead of us in school, so while we just finished our senior year of high school, she's been four and a half hours away enjoying her freshman year of college, drinking with douchebag boys and partying like a wild animal.

"Great. It starts at 1:30 and we're meeting at Rio Verde for celebratory enchiladas at noon. Kay?"

A smile crept its way onto my face. "Okie Dokie. See you then." As the call ended, I caught a glimpse of my screensaver and did a double take as I saw the time. It was 11:37 already. I better get going! I thought as I plunged my feet into a pair of socks and then my black Tims. Bounding down the stairs two at a time, I grabbed my car key from the bowl in the hallway on my way out.

"Where do you think you're going?" I turned to see my mother standing in the kitchen doorway. Her tone of voice didn't bring good things to mind.

"I was invited to go out with some friends. Emma's in town," I said.

"Without eating the breakfast I made you or giving me a hug goodbye? I don't think so." Rolling my eyes, I said, "Emma wants Rio Verde." I walked over to her.

As I wrapped my arms tightly around her waist, she said, "Well tell Emma she's welcome over anytime. Be careful," I told her I would and scooted on out to the garage. I hopped in the hand-me-down Highlander I'd been gifted on my sixteenth birthday when mom had decided to get herself the Nissan she had been eyeballing forever and plugged in my phone. I cannot and will not drive off without my jams. Quiet car rides are just… no. Deciding to go with some Panic! At the Disco, I clicked on "Emperor's New Clothes" and queued up "House of Memories" and "This Is Gospel" before backing down the driveway and turning down the street.

A few minutes later, and just as Brendon Urie's heartbeat slows and closes out the song, I took a left onto Mabry Dr. before turning again into the restaurant's parking lot where I spotted Callum and Emma standing outside. I smiled as my eyes rested on my friends, just as a wide, toothy grin decorated his features as Callum recognized my car, and Emma began bouncing in place with excitement. Seeing them smile only made me smile even bigger, until the corners of my mouth damn near hugged my earlobes. I parked the car and hopped out, making sure to grab my phone and wallet and barely managed to close the door before being semi-suffocated by an Emma hug.

"Phwwwtt phwoooh!" Callum whistled. He's teased me ever since I told him I liked Emma back in 7th grade. He used to be a huge blabber mouth and 'accidentally' told her, but she promptly informed me that I was sequestered to the friend zone until the end of time and after about a month, the feelings disappeared and everything went back to normal. I flipped him off behind Emma's back and returned her hug.

After a long moment we pulled apart and I asked her, "So how many frat parties did you get sloshed at? Any college boys we need to know about?"

"HA! College boys," she began, "are more stupid than you two, and I didn't think that was possible!"

"Hey!" I protested. "I'll have you know that I finished high school as salutatorian. If anyone is stupid it's that goofball over there."

"What does that salute foreman word mean again?" Callum inquired, scratching his head.

"Ok," Emma conceded, "point proven. Anyways, I'm starving! Let's go in."

"Are we not going to wait on John?" I asked. I always waited on people because I don't want anyone to feel left out. I hate feeling that way and assume that most others do too.

"You already know he's going to be late as fuck as always anyway, and besides, we can order for him. You can't say that there's a single one of us that doesn't know what he's going to order."

"Chicken quesadilla, only cheese, and a bowl of queso to dip it in," we all said in unison.

"Ok, you're right. Let's go," I said with a chuckle.

We went inside and were seated in our usual corner booth. After ordering drinks and a queso for the table, we caught up on each other's lives. Callum and I hardly ever said anything the other didn't know already since we've been basically inseparable since we were lil' dudes in diapers. Emma's college stories were wild though, and had us both constantly interrupting with questions. Callum and I had planned on going to the same school as her after graduation, provided we could get Callum and his two brain cells accepted in the first place. It was in the middle of Emma's recollection of how she found out that the rule about teachers being 15+ minutes late meant class was canceled that the waitress came back with drinks and queso. We placed our orders then: a Fiesta Burrito for Emma, nachos for Callum, beef enchiladas for myself, and John's quesadilla.

Right about the time that the waitress came by to refill the chip basket, I saw John stroll into the front door and cast a glance around the room looking for us. I waved as he looked in our direction, and headed over.

"Hey, Em," he said. "Hey, guys. What's up?" We proceeded to catch him up to speed on the conversation and by the time we finished, the food was here. The conversation slowed as we ate, but never fully stopped, mostly because John had a bad habit of talking with food in his mouth. About halfway through, we paused to talk a little bit more.

"So…" John started, "Cal, Bryce, there's something we want to tell you guys."

Immediately, my thoughts went to all possible outcomes and landed on them probably having gotten together, but apparently that wasn't quite what Cal's brain came up with. "The real reason you went to college so far away is because you were pregnant with John Jr. and you didn't want anyone to know! I KNEW IT!" he exclaimed

"No, you doink," I said, smacking his arm. "You know John's too shy to get past first base. I bet they're dating and just didn't say anything." I turned back to Em and John, "Right?" an inquiring look displayed on my face. Emma's mouth was wide open, on the verge of catching a fly, and John's face was beet red with embarassment.

"How the hell did you know, B?" Emma asked.

"Well, after you left to move into the dorms and school started back up for us, John was pretty distant for a couple weeks." I turned more towards John. "You looked like a kicked puppy every time someone brought her up. It was kinda obvious that you liked her. Not to mention the fact that y'all have both been lit up like a couple of Christmas trees ever since you got here."

"Well," John sighed with a smile. "You're right. She left and I realized that I didn't believe how much I missed her correlated to typical friendship, so I called her up one night and told her how I felt. You know what she said? 'Finally'. Fucking 'finally', of all things."

"Well it sure did take you long enough," Emma said. "Enough about us though. Bryce, I know your picky ass is still single. Nobody around here has ever seemed to catch your eye. So Cal-"

"Not true!" I interjected. "Remember 7th grade?"

"I do, but every girl at school had some small thing you couldn't overlook that kept you from pursuing them. Mine was that I just wasn't interested back. Now as I was saying, what about you Cal? Anyone new?"

We turned to Callum waiting for an answer. Being his best friend, I know his tells and can read his body language better than most people. So I was kind of surprised when I noticed that he looked like something was off. He looks nervous, I thought. Honestly, kinda mortified.

"No," he said with a sigh, "but I kind of might maybe sorta have an eye on someone…"

Emma gasped, "Oh my goodness, who is she?"

We all leaned in, awaiting the name of the mystery woman that has caught the notoriously single Callum's eye.

"That's for me to know and you not to," he said smugly and pulled out his phone and began scrolling, ending the conversation with a sense of finality.

"Well, shit," I said. We're bro's though. I bet he will tell me later. He usually does. He probably just doesn't want a bunch of people knowing in case it doesn't work out.

We finished our meals, John and I making plans to go camping and mudding with his dad's new four wheelers next weekend. Callum stayed glued to his phone and didn't contribute more than a couple words when we tried to include him. Emma didn't say much more either until it was time to go, instead scrolling on her phone and occasionally typing furiously at what was probably another post about a friend's ex. She loves social media drama; lives for it honestly.

"We better get going if we're gonna get good seats," she said. Callum and Emma left tip money on the table and finished their drinks while John and I went to the counter to pay, him for his and Emma's, and me for mine and Callums. We often switched back and forth on paying. Since he tipped this time I would likely tip while he paid next time. I'm not even sure how it started but we had been doing it for years.

"I'm taking Em and will bring her back to her car after the movie. Meet y'all there?" John asked.

"Yeah, we'll be there in a few," I responded as Emma and Callum walked up. To Callum I said, "C'mon, you're riding with me. They've got making out to do."

Our group split and got into our respective vehicles. I let Callum have aux privileges and headed toward the Cinemark in town. As I expected, he played his favorite song, Hallelujah, the Pentatonix cover. We both finger drummed Kevin's percussive beats while I took on Scott and Avi's lower parts and Cal attempted- emphasis on attempted- Mitch and Kirsten's higher parts. After that torture was over, he switched it to some guy he saw on American Idol.

"I like this guy because we're name twins," he said. "Only difference is that Scott is his last name and my middle name. But he's pretty good, right?" He was. I made a mental note to look up and download the song later. With perfect timing, it ended right as I parked in the Cinemark parking lot. We got out and went inside, paid for tickets and waited by the ticket check desk for the other two. I texted Emma that we got their tickets so they were on popcorn duty. Two minutes before the movie started, we saw them walk in and up to the snack counter. Reassured that they wouldn't miss anything, I pointed them out to the theater employee in charge of tearing tickets and gave her our four before going to find seats.

Just as the previews were ending and the movie was actually starting, the lovebirds found our row, got seated, and passed us a bucket of buttery goodness. After the first few minutes, I started to zone out a bit, thinking about the rigidity in Cal's posture. I could practically feel the discomfort coming off of him, not to mention see it, even in the dark. There were small things that gave him away: the anxious bouncing of his legs, the scrunch between his brows, and the fact that his eyes were looking a little too far down to really be paying attention. Something is really bothering him, I thought. Maybe I should try and talk to him when we leave…

Before I knew it, the majority of the whole movie had gone by while I pondered what it could be that was troubling him so much. He was always the tough one that was there for me. And although I gladly return the favor when I can, he always has this idea that he needs to do things by himself and never lets his problems show. The fact that they were this obvious in the dark just made me worry all the more. Being so wrapped up in my head, I was caught by surprise when the big ass mega-wolf dude jumped on screen and slammed Selene into the wall. The sudden action made me jump, jolting me from my thoughts and Emma laughed, mumbling something about a pansy. I flipped her off and tried to watch the rest of the movie. Just before it ended, Callum stood up abruptly and handed me the almost empty bucket and said he'd been trying to hold it but had to go to the bathroom. Once he was out of eye sight, I looked at Emma and John, wondering if they'd noticed his shift in behavior. They were both engrossed in the movie, so I assumed that they hadn't. The movie ended before Cal got back, and being the Marvel fans we are, we waited just in case there was an extra scene out of habit as everyone cleared the room.

When it became clear that there wasn't an extra scene, we got up and headed out. I hugged Emma goodbye with promises to get together again soon, told John we'd talk more about weekend plans tomorrow and headed toward the bathrooms to look for Callum since I was assuming I'd be his ride home. As I rounded the corner, I saw him standing outside the bathrooms. He was leaning against the wall, talking to a brunette girl who seemed familiar. Her curly hair style reminded me of a girl from my Pre-Calc class last year, but her back was turned to me so I didn't know for sure. Callum caught sight of me over her shoulder and, looking straight down, said something that made her turn around. She turned to me and smiled, turned back to him and put a hand on his shoulder as she said something and then left. It was in fact valedictorian Haley from Pre-Calc, the one who constantly pushed me to get better grades than her in friendly competition.

Walking up to him, I said, "I thought she moved out of town the second she had hands on her diploma? She's always talking about hating this town."

"Yea," Callum replied. "I didn't expect to see her either."

"Welp, you ready? Em and John took off already, probably to go on a baby making adventure."

"Yea, let's go," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. If I didn't know better, I'd say he was nervous. But what could he possibly be nervous about? I wondered if she was the girl he wouldn't talk about at Rio Verde. But he didn't look like that kind of nervous, or like a guy talking to his crush. He looked like he was dreading something. We headed out to the car, and I dropped the popcorn bucket in the trash on the way out. As we got in and I started the car, I told him he could have aux, but he just stared out the window, his phone remained in his pocket. So as I pulled up some Coldplay, I asked him, "Hey, man... Are you doing ok? I couldn't help but notice-"

"Do you wanna come chill at my place for a bit?" he said, cutting me off. "If you're there, mom won't make me do a bunch of chores." It was then that I noticed that same flutter in my stomach from this morning.

"So you're using me to get out of chores?"

"Maybe."

I chuckled a little, "Yea, I'm down. I haven't kicked your ass at Mario Kart in a while anyway." I knew chores weren't the reason he'd asked. He's a momma's boy and would do anything she asked without a second thought. If he thinks I can't see through this front, he must seriously be slipping. After all, we've been buds for as long as we can remember. "Just make sure you text my mom saying you invited me for dinner or something. You know how she gets if someone misses Saturday night Scrabble."

Putting the car in gear, I headed back across town to his house. The short ride was pretty quiet. I didn't wanna push what seemed to be a sensitive subject, and he didn't seem to want to talk about it. When we got to his house, we got out and went inside and found his mom in the living room watching the Golden Girls.

"... ya walking mattress!" Sophia yelled after Blanch.

"Get her!" I cheered.

Looking up, Callum's mom, Ms. Carter said, "Hey Bryce! How are you? Would you like to stay for dinner? I'm making Cal's favorite."

"That'd be great, Ms. Carter, thank you. And I'm doing pretty good. Thanks for asking. How have y'all been? Cal keeping your hands full?"

"Yes," she chuckled, "he is, but where would I be without him?"

"In a much different place I'm sure."

"Alrighty," Callum said, "enough of the pleasantries, y'all act like he's not here every other day. We're gonna be in my room. Holler if you need anything, ma." I gave her one last smile and followed him upstairs to his room. Once we were in there, I prepared to kick some ass and began getting the game ready.

"So," Cal began, "you were right… I didn't ask you over to avoid chores. She'd just have you help anyway since you're basically her other kid."

"Right," I said hesitantly, "so what's up, man? You know you can tell me anything."

"Yea… I wanted to talk to you about something. Uh…" He trailed off and scrunched his eyebrows like he was struggling to push it out. I sat there patiently, waiting for him to figure out how he was gonna go about it. He swallowed hard and sat on the bed next to me, taking a deep shaky breath, "So… at Rio V, I know I said it's not for you to know, but I think it's about time I told you." Flutter, Flutter.

Looking him dead in the face, as seriously as I could, I said, "Please don't tell me you're fucking my sister… because if you are, I don't need to know and I don't want to know."

"No, I'm not messing with Mikaela" he reassured. Relief flooded through me and I relaxed a bit. "It's just that, we've been best friends for so long, and you said I could tell you anything and…" Another hard dry swallow. "I want to tell you because I know you'd do it for me and I'm tired of holding it by myself… I didn't tell y'all who I liked because I was scared you would look at me differently if you knew that… well, that it wasn't a girl."

My eyes snapped back up to his from the spot on my hand that had previously held my gaze. Flutter, flutter.

His face was red, his eyes getting kind of watery, and there was a tell-tale waver in his voice. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't surprised. I never would've seen this coming. I put a hand on his shoulder and gently pulled him to me in a one armed hug.

"I'm proud of you for finding the courage to tell me. It doesn't change anything. I love you all the same." And that's when he broke. He cried on my shoulder for what felt like an hour before I spoke up again. "Don't tell her I told you this, but Mikaela is bi, so if you feel like you need to confide in someone who will understand, I know she'd be happy to help you through things. I might not know much, but I will always be a safe space for you if you need anything. My ears work unless you're my mom asking about dishes." He laughed a little and I felt him nod against my shoulder where his head rested. He must be starting to run low on tears, for he seemed to slowly calm back down. Sitting up, he wiped his face with the back of his hand.

"So, who's the lucky guy then?" I asked with a smile. Flutter, flutter.

"Well, he uh…" he paused, sucking snot back up in his nose, "I've known him for a while now. And our parents are friends. We used to go camping every summer and sometimes on the weekends." Flutter, flutter. "When I was thirteen, we went camping and an almost snow worthy cold blew in and we kinda cuddled to stay warm. That's when I realized that I had more than friendly feelings for him."

At that moment, I knew exactly who he was talking about. That night, in our tent, I had made fun of him for getting a woody when we were cuddling and I teased him about it for at least a year afterwards. He must have seen the realization on my face, and as he looked back down I could hear the emotion creeping back into his voice.

"So now you know," he whispered. "I hope this doesn't change anything between... us..."

Time froze. Flutter, flutter. My breathing stopped. Flutter, flutter. I couldn't think. He's gay, that's fine- he's like my brother. But this… what am I supposed to do with this? I groped for some way to respond but none came to mind.

"Please… say something, Bryce," he said, looking at the carpet between his feet. He twiddled his thumbs nervously, waiting.

"I… I'm-" I started after a long moment, but suddenly the breath I'd been holding launched its way out of my body, and I began panting for air. "I think I need some air… I'll be back." My legs hurriedly carried me to the door and down the stairs, but not before I heard him quietly call after me, mid-sob, pleading me not to go. However, I couldn't bring myself to stop. I ran out into his backyard, knowing that he'd surely shatter if I actually left. Looking up at the bluish black sky, a city of stars looking down upon me, I felt all of my emotions coursing through my body. Regret and confusion were prominent among them. Regret for leaving him there to think I suddenly couldn't handle the honesty I'd just promised he could show with me. I was confused because I didn't know where to go from here; my best friend, who was like a brother to me, confessed feelings for me and I didn't know how to process or respond. I felt horrible for leaving him to assume the worst when he needed a friend, and because I wasn't sure if I could be that friend.

I sat on the bench swing, pondering my options. The way I see it, I have two options: First, I could grab my keys and go home. In that case, I don't think I'd be able to face him for a while at least, if ever. On the other hand, I could tell him how I felt- or rather, how I didn't feel. I can't reciprocate what he's feeling. That much is clear. Also clear was the fact that of all of the things I felt, disgust or any other gross or negative feeling was noticeably absent. I'd known that other people's lives didn't affect me, and I'd never had a problem with the other gay guys at school. So why was I feeling like this? This wasn't just awkward, this was… I don't even know.

Flutter flutter.

And what is up with my damn stomach? It can't be hunger, it persisted after I ate- twice! Did I just know that something was up? Was it intuition? Am I developing Spidey-senses? It didn't hurt; I didn't feel sick. I felt… anxious? Like I'm expecting something or I know something, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what it was.

The moon and stars that had been shining a little bit of light on my otherwise dark and confusing world began to hide behind the clouds that were rapidly accumulating directly overhead. As the first couple of raindrops struck the ground, I realized how still my legs were. I've been sitting here far longer than I thought. I reached for my phone in my pocket, only to discover that it wasn't there. I must have left it upstairs in Cal's room… fuck.

At that moment, Ms. Carter stepped out onto the porch. "Is everything okay, sweetie? I noticed you've been out here for almost two hours and I haven't seen Cal since you two went upstairs. Did y'all get in an argument or something?"

"No ma'am," I said, turning to face her. "I just needed some fresh air and got caught up in my thoughts." She squinted her eyes for a fraction of a second and she seemed to be looking just over or right past me. After a couple seconds, she blinked and returned her gaze to me with a light smile.

"Well, get on in here before it starts raining. Dinner is almost ready." Heading back inside, she left the door open under the assumption that I was following. I got up and reluctantly made my way back inside, not ready to face him after my display of cowardice. Nonetheless, I knew it had to be done. As I made my way up the stairs, I tried to clear my mind. There was no way a productive conversation would come out of all the crap swirling around up there. I just needed the words to flow with the current of truth. I'll put it to him plain and simple. I appreciate the honesty, but I don't feel the same way. And I don't want this to affect our friendship.

I got to his room halfway down the upstairs hall and stood in the doorway. Callum was laying in bed, his back to me, curled up in a ball. "Hey…" I said, but there was no response. I slowly walked over to his bedside, and after grabbing my phone from the foot of the bed where I'd left it, I put a hand on his shoulder. As I did, I noticed his deep and even breathing, as well as the wet spot roughly the size of both my fists on his pillow. He must've cried himself to sleep… Wow, I feel like such an ass. As I turned to leave him in peace, I noticed a brightly colored square on the bedside table- a sticky note pad. Taking one off the top and a pen from the cup next to it, I wrote:

"Cal,

Sorry for being a shitty friend... Can we talk? Our spot. Tmrw @3

-B"

I left the notepad on his pillow so that I knew he would see it before turning to go back downstairs. When I reached the kitchen, I saw Ms. Carter grabbing a plate to fix, the table already set. She smiled as she noticed me enter the dining room, "Just in time. You boys hungry? I have enough to feed a small army here."

"Thanks, Ms. Carter," I said, "but I think it's best if I head home… He's asleep upstairs, and I have a feeling he needs some rest. Thanks again." Before I turned to leave, she told me the very least she could do was send me off with a container for later.

"What would your mother say if she found out we invited you for dinner and you didn't eat?"

A couple minutes later, I thanked her again and headed out to my car with Cal's fifth grade lunch box, a container of chicken fried pork chops, green beans, and mashed potatoes inside. I drove home primarily on autopilot, thumbing through the evening's events in my mind and, once parked in my parents garage, I found myself unable to get out and go inside. I took a deep breath, and as I watched a droplet of water race its way down my window, I felt a single tear follow suit, gliding down my cheek.

What the hell am I going to do?