DELUSION

I'm a normal person, sometime I could be a tad bit stupid, or crazy, or any other type of output driven by strong emotions.

Everybody is like that, it just depends how much patience a person have.

My routine is no existent, seriously, I've tried a lot to have a regular routine, but my work does not allow me to have such a healthy lifestyle, I'm not saying that there's no time, it's just irregular, there's always a lot of deadlines, last minute changes. There are period of tightly packed schedules, where I can barely sleep, even going to sleep earlier is useless, since I'll just wake up randomly before the break of dawn.

Then a really lax period follows, I could sleep more peacefully, so peacefully that I would be reluctant to part with that cozy den, regardless of the hunger, as long as I have a bottle of water to quench my thirst, I can stay there until the sun burns my ass.

I want to give some meaning to my life, becoming a cell of the society system that do well my job day by day and earn money to live.

But some day, all that drive, just stops, there's not passion anymore, it just a duty like another.

And all those thoughts are invading my brain during those "me-time".

"It's consuming me". "I want to run away". "Can I just ghost everyone?" "Should I buy some lottery ticket? Maybe I can win..." "I'm going to pay off all those debt for mum and she would have enough money to like happily...". "Then I can disappear quietly..."

Many people may think that I hate my mother...but I really can't. As I can't really go against her, and every time I tried, a pang of guilt would assault me.

I feel like something have gone wrong at some point of my life.

What I really want ? Am I happy?

Since when I've started to live to please someone else?

Why do I have to care about OTHERS opinion about ME ?!

Why I need to be a useful part of the society a sacrifice myself ?

Why I need to draw what YOU want? It's not art anymore...

Is wrong being selfish? Why express my emotions makes me a crazy person?

Is it wrong to be more HUMAN ?

As the time pass, I slowly became lifeless adult like others, full of repressed feelings, full of unspoken words and regrets...

I'm starting to feel like a middle schooler again... Is this what they call midlife crisis?