3

Chapter 3

Male Wrestling and Twisted Fun

Ron and Hermione watched on with a sort of curious disgust as a group of girls doted endlessly upon Draco and Harry. They surrounded them with, "Shall I get you another drink, Harry?" or "Do you want me to massage your shoulders, Draco?"

Ron was glaring daggers as he muttered, "They're both full of it tonight. Look at them, indulging in all those women. They're like children in a candy shop… they can take the pick of the litter… just because they're… gay." Ron said the word as if it were a curse.

"They're not gay, Ron," Hermione whispered through the corner of her mouth. "It's a publicity stunt, you know that. You're just jealous because they can get access to so many women."

"I am not!" Ron said with indignation. "I don't have to pull stupid stunts like that to get my fair share of girls!"

"Is that right?" Hermione looked at him with amusement. "Well, I'm up for a good old fashioned bet. How about you?"

Ron eyed Hermione warily, "Explain and I just might take your bet."

"Two months is enough, I think," Hermione said. "Since you claim to be able to get a "fair share of girls", this won't be too hard for you. In two months, get someone to fall for you."

"Two months? Only?" Ron's eyes widened. "That's bloody crazy—"

"If you succeed, I'll get you that new book on Quidditch techniques. Oh, and I promise to respect you and never boss you around. Ever."

"Now that I think about it, two months is perfect."

Harry squeezed in between Ron and Hermione after he finally managed to escape the clutches of the adoring women.

"You all right, mate?" Ron surveyed his friend's face. "You look a bit pale."

Harry kept his eyes downcast and he shivered a bit, "Girls are plain crazy, that's what they are."

Ron slumped down and sighed, "Tell me about it. And I'm supposed to snag one in two months."

Harry looked at him questioningly. So Ron explained. When he finished, Harry threw his head back and laughed. "Ron, you're a freak!"

"Say that again, I dare you!" Ron picked up his drink in mock-anger, pretending to throw it in Harry's face.

"Freak!" Harry shielded himself with one of the couch's tiny pillows.

"A freak, am I!" Ron lunged at him, "Who's the one rooming with a sadistic spoiled model? Tell me that!"

"Children, children," Hermione said boredly. The boys continued to laugh and wrestle as she watched on uninterestedly.

Draco glanced over his shoulder and caught sight of the two laughing boys and an irritated Hermione. "Oooh!" he squealed, trying to make his voice as high and girlish as possible. "An all-male wrestling match? Let me play!" He skipped over towards them and flopped down heavily upon Harry and Ron- who both looked quite disgusted.

"Ugh! Gerroff me!" Ron groaned underneath Harry and Draco's weight. "Harry!"

"I'll get off as soon as this… dope gets off me first!" Harry struggled aggressively.

But Draco, on the other hand, looked quite contented. He shut his eyes with a satisfied smile on his face, "Shall I fall asleep here?"

"No!" the two boys underneath him shouted in unison.

Hermione watched them tiredly and scolded them in a monotone voice, "Children, children…"

"YAAAUUGGHHH!"

Draco ambled sleepily into the kitchen. He glanced at the clock which read 8:30 am. "Why are you yelling like an excited woman?" he asked with a yawn.

Harry looked at the paper in front of him with wide horrified eyes.

"Ah! The Daily Prophet!" Draco said cheerfully. "Let's see which adventures of ours they've recorded."

Sure enough, they made the front page again. This time, it read, A Wizard Sandwich: Their Twisted Idea of Fun. And underneath the title was a rather large picture… a rather large disturbing picture of a very repulsed-looking Ron squashed underneath a disgruntled Harry and a very joyful Draco who was on top of them both.

"Look at it," Harry said in a deadly whisper. "That's how the world thinks of us. What do you have to say about… that?"

Draco examined the picture and smiled, "I have good skin."

"Bloody, you have good skin— is that all!"

"Harry, you're right," Draco said firmly. "That isn't all I see…"

"Good. I'm glad you see—"

"My hair is lovely! So well-shampooed and conditioned! I should send my stylist a gift basket— Harry, darling, would you be a dear and send Alfonso a gift basket? I would do it myself but I'm quite busy. Thanks, sugar!" With that, Draco gaily skipped back into the room to groom himself for another ten hours or so. But within a few seconds, Draco stuck his head back into the kitchen.

"What?" Harry muttered. "Forgot your lipstick?"

"No. I just felt a little disgusted with this whole gay experience. Especially when I'm sharing it with you," Draco grimaced. "I just threw up in my mouth."

"Anything for publicity, right?" Harry said quaintly. "And I'm quoting you. But don't worry… I'm quite disgusted too, but I don't hold in my vomit. I throw up every night."

"Oh…" Draco nodded as if he were realizing something. "So that's what I've been hearing at night. I thought it was just you jerking off or something." He shrugged and went back into the room.

"Where are you off to today?" Harry called out.

"Going shopping with this one foxy girl I met yesterday," Draco yelled back. "Do you mind if I bring her back here?"

"Wait, what!" Harry went into the room and watched Draco as he applied a face mask. "Isn't that a bit un-gay of you?"

"Shame on you, Harry!" Draco pretended to be shocked. "As if I'd take advantage of a poor girl like that!" he paused. "I'm going to get her good and drunk, and then she won't remember anything in the morning. Do you see how considerate I am?"

"You're wonderful," Harry muttered sarcastically.

"Now, out. Out!" Draco shooed him away. "Don't watch while I'm getting ready, you silly pervert!"

"You—!"

"Don't worry. We can get frisky later. Haha!"

Harry slammed the door behind him, looking repulsed.

"Where's Lover Boy?" Ron asked, stifling a laugh.

Ron and Harry were walking down a Muggle street, each holding a bottled Sprite.

"He's probably out doing a girl," Harry answered matter-of-factly.

"Ah, typical Malfoy," Ron nodded.

Harry took a swig of Sprite and looked at Ron, "Hey. Where's our other half?"

"I can't be having Hermione around when we have that bet going on," Ron said. "Can't snag a girl when I have another one trailing along behind me."

"Are you sure you can do this, Ron? I mean, I'm not doubting you or anything but do you have anything planned? Like… do you have an opening line?"

"Yeah," Ron looked confident.

Harry looked intrigued, "What is it?"

"I'm Ron Weasley, bitch!"

Harry spit up his Sprite.

Harry was sitting on his couch and flipping the channels on the T.V. as Draco walked in, arm in arm with what looked like a very drunk girl.

"Hello Harry," Draco grinned wickedly.

Harry continued to flip the channels, "You have no shame."

"Draco… honey," the girl slurred. "I thought you… was… gay."

"Her speech is impaired. Wonderful!" Draco said to Harry looking pleased, and then he turned to the drunken girl. "Well, darling. Harry and I have a very open relationship."

"Yeah," Harry said to the girl. "Our relationship is very open… and nonexistent."

Draco chuckled, "Silly boy." Then he slowly led the girl into the dark room, "I'll see you in the morning…"

Harry lay on his bed, staring up at the blank ceiling. He couldn't sleep with all the racket coming from Draco's room. He could feel the bed shake, and every so often a scream or a moan would erupt. He even heard Draco shout, "Ride it, cowgirl! Lasso it! LASSO THAT CATTLE!"

Harry threw up a bit in his mouth.

"Mornin', Sunshine," Draco sipped out of what looked like to be a whole pitcher of coffee.

"Hey," Harry poured himself a cup as well. "From what I heard last night, you had fun."

"Phenomenal," Draco answered briskly. "She had no recollection of our nightly adventure but she wondered why she could barely stand up and walk…" he smiled mischievously. "Behold my manly power."

"I'm beholding," Harry said uninterestedly.

"You should take advantage of this too, Potter," Draco said. "Women are everywhere struggling for a piece of your lovin'."

"I, unlike you, am not a horny monkey."

"Don't tell me you're only doing this for the money."

"Actually, I am. I could use more gold in my Gringotts account."

Draco swirled the coffee around in his pitcher. "So… you're not doing this for the… experience?" he said quietly.

Harry almost spit out his coffee, "E-experience! Honestly, Malfoy, like I'd try anything with you!"

"So you've never even thought about it?" Draco looked at him questioningly. "Being intimate with another man, I mean."

"No!" Harry paused. "So you're telling me you've thought about it?"

"No!" Draco paused as well. "What was that pause for, Potter? If I say that I have, then will you admit that you have too?"

"No! Because I haven't."

"Fine then. Neither have I."

Harry looked at him incredulously, "For some reason, I doubt that."

"You doubt my sexuality, Potter?"

"Yes, very much so. You're extremely girly and… a bit flimsy."

Draco looked outrage, "Flimsy! Excuse me, buddy, but that girl could barely walk straight after last night! I am the epitome of all that is manly!"

"Applying face masks really proves it."

"Just because I have a certain love for hygiene doesn't make a difference. So sue me if I'm a bit metrosexual. It's part of my job. I'm a…" Draco flashed a brilliant smile. "Model, baby. Yeah!"

Harry snorted into his coffee cup.

"By the way, I won't be home until late."

"Why?" Harry looked up. "Are you going to screw another one of your pitiful victims?"

"That's only on the weekends." Draco answered. "So, no. I have an interview with Parpara Valters."

"Parpara Valters!" Harry exclaimed. "She's like, the Barbara Walters of the Wizarding world!"

"Barbara who?" Draco looked confused. "Anyway, isn't it brilliant? Only the greatest of celebrities get to do interviews with Parpara! Imagine what that makes me?"

"Stupid?"

"You're jealous!" Draco said briskly. "Anyway, it'll be all over the papers. I'll try to be all wonderful and dramatic. Oh, and I'll throw your name in ever so often."

"I'm overcome with happiness," Harry said listlessly. He went back to his coffee cup, dreading what the insane model will think of during the interview. Whatever it was, it was certain to taint poor Harry's good reputation.

Oh well…

Nothing else to do but go along with it…