Entrée De Journal Dix: Truth Shows

At this point, it's been a week since I've last written in this Journal. A lot has happened in that one short week. I had found out that Nico's been faking all of this. Not that he's in the shape that he is, but that he's been getting better when he really hasn't. It hurts, if I'm being honest. I thought that we were making progress. I don't really want to talk about how I had found out, right now. I just want to talk about how I thought he was doing better and all the things I can do now to actually help him get better instead of him just faking it all. I do think that letting him out of the infirmary or at least letting one of the Seven in to see him will help. But I'm not sure what his relationship with all of them is. I know him and Jason are close and I know him and Percy are rebuilding their relationship. He told me all of that. But he still doesn't consider them friends. They're more just like people he was forced to interact with. Like me, I guess, in a way.

I just wish he would've been honest with me about this whole thing. Makes me kind of glad that I haven't let him out of the infirmary yet. I'm not sure if he's suicidal or not, and I don't know if I want to find out. I mean, I'll probably end up asking just so I can make sure he's not a threat to himself or others, but I don't know if I'll end up getting the truth.

I think out of all this, the thing I'm most scared about, is getting lied to again. But, I guess that's just what I'm going to have to go through when trying to help him.

Part of me is starting to doubt even talking to him because I feel like I've just added all this unnecessary stress onto myself. I know he has baggage, I'm not blind when it comes to stuff like that.

He's had a hard life so far, I get it, and I'm not saying that he should just look at me for not even five seconds and just trust me like we've been best buds our entire lives. I'm just saying that he should trust me a little more than what he currently is, that's all.

I don't mean to sound selfish when writing this. It's just frustrating and upsetting when I thought we were making serious progress and we really weren't. I feel betrayed. I know, I probably sound like I'm being dramatic, but I'm not meaning to.

I'm someone who cares very deeply about people that I'm close to. Now, I know Nico and I really aren't that close, I still care for him more than what I probably should.

If I haven't said so by now, and you haven't picked up on it, I like Nico. As in I have a crush on him. I can't remember if I've already said that or not. I don't think I have because I have been and still am in slight denial over it. I know he's gay, but he can't even say the word.

I just don't want to be messing this up. I've helped save a lot of people over the years that I have been here, and I don't want to stop at Nico. I don't want Nico to be my first loss. Sure, I've lost patients before, but I had known that I did everything that I could've for them, and that it was just their time to go. That's what the Fates had planned. But, I don't want Nico to have a shitty life because I didn't try my absolute best to help him. I know he doesn't want the help, or is at least making it seem that way, but I know when someone needs help. I know that Percy and Annabeth need help, help that I cannot give them, but I have the chance at giving Nico.

I feel like I'm failing at being a healer, right now. I know that I'm not, but I think it's just because I was lied to - played, played with like I was a puppet, or tested to see just how good of a healer I really am, to see if I can tell the difference between when someone is lying or telling the truth.

I didn't want to help Nico out of pity. I wanted to be his friend. Sure, I may have acted like I hated him, but it's only because that's what Campers here used to do. They used to pick on each other for talking about Nico- used to bully each other. I didn't want to be the one getting bullied. Not when I already have enough of it.

'What could you possibly be getting picked on over, Solace?' You're probably thinking. Well, even if you're not, I'm still going to answer that question.

I get picked on because of my amazing ability to shoot an arrow from a bow. I can't even hit the target I'm that good.

That was sarcasm.

I can't hit the target because I can't do archery to save my life.

Besides that, I get picked on because of how bright my hair is. I know that may not seem like a big deal, but I can't control what colour my hair is. Plus, I'm the only child of Apollo who has hair like this. Not only do I get picked on because of that, but I also get picked on over how much time I spend in the infirmary and how serious I am about it. People's lives are in danger when they're in there. There isn't any time to mess around or make jokes. I take my job as Head Healer very seriously, but it's not without consequences.

This isn't about me, though. It's about Nico. I just wish that there were something I could do for him.

This entree is coming to an end now. I'm sorry this wasn't very eventful and just consisted of me spilling out all of my emotions. I know that's not exactly what you want to read. I wouldn't want to read this either.

I hope you all have a better day than I am.

Much love,

Will Solace.