Ecstasy 2

"You okay?" I jumped a bit surprised and came out of my head, I think I was getting lost in my thoughts I forgot where I was. I looked up to see Adonis in front of me looking down at me waiting for some kind of response, but once again I just nodded then pulled out my phone keeping my head down; [3;20] the bell rings and all the students began to rush out the classroom and the hallways become loud but yet I was still drowning in my thoughts. His gaze didn't move away as I could still feel his stare. Jule came out of the classroom last with some of her other friends laughing then waved to them goodbye as they had left first; she turned to us and looked at me then back at her brother confused.

"Are you bullying Adonis?!" She pushes him away then comes in front of me bending down to look at my face but I tried hiding as I try not to cry but why did it even matter?

"He wasn't." I say in a low voice.

"Hm, okay." She responded with, she still sounded skeptical but wrapped her arm around mine then looked back at her brother. "Let's go, come on."

"Alright, I told Azul that I had basketball practice so you guys can look around at the shops nearby and just come back before 5 okay?" She nodded, then we all walked out of the school to his car. I still couldn't help but feel like everyone was staring at me with the same disgusted look. Were they also thinking the same thing? Is that what everyone always thought when I was around Jules too? Why would someone ever want to be friends with someone like me? Was it so wrong of me to like the same gender?

I didn't know what to say, I understand that Jule has been here for me my whole life. I still find it difficult to really talk about what I am feeling because it doesn't seem like I am good with comfort from others. I am so used to just keeping it mostly inside and waiting for my memory to block it out, that's how I cope with most of my feelings whether it's confronting it and trying to understand or rely on the short memory I have to take away these memories that haunt me even if I still feel everything. I hate my heart for being like this, why do my emotions always over power my mind, why do I do this to myself? Is it because I want to hurt and punish myself for things or is it because I just want to make myself miserable to the point I could finally break down and cry. However, I never know what my pushing point could be. It's true that I have struggled not only with my identity but with my mental health state and where I am, it felt like everything was lost when he left. It wasn't any better when he was here, the fighting between my mother and father, the amount of times I've heard disappointment and what I was was disgusting; I was only ever like a virus that he needed to get rid of and kill. Why did he stay so long? Why did my mother endure so much? No matter the pain we both went through, this family was never going to be a happy one, I just wanted an escape.

"Azul!" A loud yelling came from beside me but it still sounded muffled, it snapped me out of my head and I turned to see Jule holding my arm trying to get my attention. "Are you okay? What were you thinking about?" She sounded concerned and upset, I'm sorry.

"Nothing," I forced a smile to not upset her any further, "Was just thinking about school, there's a project that we needed to do for my last class so I was coming up with ideas." I say as I get off the car, I noticed Adonis already had left and it was just us, how long was I gone for?

"Are you sure that was what you were thinking about? You seemed so lost in thought." she seems to be worried, but I couldn't bother her with something as silly as this.

"Yeah it was just bothering me because I need a partner and you know how I don't do well with others." I closed the door and began to walk with her down the sidewalk as the clouds became gloomy as if it were to rain.

"Is there no one you could try talking to? Maybe ask the teacher if you could do it alone?" She responds with, she wraps her arm around me then looks up at the sky.

"I've tried, she said I had to pick a partner before this friday if not she'll assign me to someone who doesn't have a partner by then to" I look up with her and the sky looked so pretty, even if it just looked like gray blobs, it still looked beautiful.

"Maybe it'll be someone like you, nervous and scared to talk to new people." She says looking back at me.

"Maybe, but won't that just make things difficult? Since we both won't be able to talk and it'll be awkward?" I look back at her as she looks up thinking placing her index finger and thumb on her chin.

"That is true, I guess we will see who it'll be just don't be too awkward and you'll be fine." she smiles at me giving me a thumbs up.

"Easier said than done." Rolls my eyes at her letting out a chuckle. I do wonder who it will be if I don't choose in time, but remembering everyone always knew each other in that class; thinking more into it there was always a group or at least a duo so I don't think I'll be able to find any partner.

I think I will just wait until Friday till the teacher puts me with someone, if I try now it'll be just embarrassing getting rejected but waiting for someone to be forced to be my partner isn't any better. Why does choosing a partner have to be so complicated? After a few hours we had gone back home and all I could remember was what the two girls had said in the hallway. I don't get why I let it get to me but it bothers me so much. Whenever I'm passing people, is that what they think? It doesn't even seem to matter what I do, they'll always think less of me. I turned on the shower and let the water run, I looked at myself in the mirror brushing my hair back.

"Am I really that unappealing?" I took my shirt off looking at my body, I could vaguely see my ribs and my skin seemed to be just pale. I could see why they would be disgusted by me, it looks like I am dying, just a disease. Nothing about me was appealing, my arms were skinny and didn't have a masculine body, "Why would anyone like me". You can tell a bit of my hip bones, the fat I had I was unable to pull my body feeling like it's ready to break at any moment; maybe I have let myself go. I haven't eaten a lot and if I did my appetite would always go away even though the smell of food sometimes disgust me, it has been a while since I was able to eat without the feeling of throwing it all back up; it had only ever felt like I was killing my body. 

"Azul? Are you done yet?" I opened the window to let out the steam from the hot shower and started to dry my hair after putting some baggy pjs on, I opened the door then saw Adonis waiting with a towel in his hand staring down at me.

"Yeah sorry," I looked down and tried to walk past him but he got in front of me blocking my way "Did you need something?" I said keeping my focus on looking down at the floor.

"No, but if people are targeting you don't lie to me or my sister" His voice sounded serious as if he was upset, "You know you're not alone right, stop acting as if you were and tell us if something is bothering you."

"I'm fine," I replied, the first time I've ever heard him acknowledge my existence as if he was worried "Class has been the only thing bothering me lately, no one else." He lets out a disappointed sigh but I couldn't talk about this, not now. I walked passed him walking to my room and closing the door behind me fast my heart pounding feeling as if it were going to burst out my chest, I don't want to worry any of you but I don't want to keep anything from them especially Jule but when I speak the words just come out in mumbles I don't even know to explain what I'm feeling and thinking.

"Did something happen?" I heard voices outside my door but it sounded all muffled, I pressed my ear against the door trying to hear then realizing it was Jule.

"No, nothing." Adonis responds.

"Were you talking to Azul? I thought you were going to keep your distance?" she replies in an upset tone of voice but also confused. What did she mean? Why would he need to?

"I was…" they began to whisper, their voices fading out and I could no longer hear them. Are they keeping something from me too? Did he also feel disgusted by me? To the point he wanted not to be near me especially at school because he didn't want others to know we knew each other, I wonder why Jule hasn't done the same. Maybe she would have way more friends if she wasn't stuck with me and had to put up with how I am just because our mom's were friends with each other; would she have even chosen to be friends with me if we never grew up together?