My anxiety

It was 1:30am in the morning, my eyes were wide open as I stared at my phone.

"Should I delete his number and block him?This person isn't good for me, he's not going to add anything good to my life, he's not even serious with me" I asked rhetorically on my bed.

My mind flashed back to when I bought a birthday ring for him, when it got to my own birthday I demanded for the same but he bought me a fake ring.

"All these are just pointing out to lack of seriousness, I think I need to back out of any relationship that connects him and I" I said inwardly.

But I'm scared, we kissed, I can't believe I let myself become cheap to him, he touched my body, I can't bear the thoughts.

"Okay Katherine relax, you have exams tomorrow, you need to relax, clear your mind of all negative thoughts, you need to focus " I said as I dropped my phone and tried to sleep.

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It's morning around 8am, as I got ready for my exams, when my anxiety came in.

"I'm no more a good girl, I've just made a mistake by kissing him, I'm not special anymore " these were the thoughts that kept on coming to my head, I couldn't concentrate anymore, so I had to quickly leave the hostel to see if I can get a little distraction.

But leaving the hostel wasn't helpful either, I couldn't bear the thoughts anymore, so I had to call Michael.

(Call over the phone)

"Hello Katherine.."

"Hello, emm... Michael, we kissed yesterday right?" I couldn't believe what we did anymore as I stood waiting for his response.

".... Katherine, what kind of question is this?"

"Please just answer the question Michael"

My anxiety was getting so intense now, I began thinking of things we didn't even do.

"Yes we kissed" he replied and ended the call...

That wasn't enough for me, I needed to call back and ask again if we really kissed and touched each other.

(Calling.....)

"Sorry, we just kissed right?, And we touched each other". This got him angrier. He refused to respond for a moment but my consistent question made him respond but this time angrily.

"Yes.... Katherine, we kissed and touched only, nothing else, what's your problem?" He asked....

"I have to read please, I have exams if you don't have, I have alright " he said and then ended the call.

Inwardly I was so ashamed of myself, why did he end the call on me like that, was he now tired of talking to me, I thought inwardly.

There are times when I go through mental health stress, at that point I don't believe real things until someone assures me that the thing talked about is real...

Sometimes I think until I get sick in the stomach and sweat as if I was doing something that requires energy but all I did was just thinking...

I usually research on mental issues just to know which or what type I was going through and the result of my symptoms was always Bipolar disorder or anxiety disorder.

I was so afraid so I tried not to think about such sickness again, but the thoughts of me not believing the reality was so stressful to me, the thoughts of me being afraid of the unknown was also one of the most deplaying symptoms I got.

I didn't want to think I had mental issues so I waved the thoughts away anytime it came, and all this mental stress started since my high school days.

"Okay, I need to head to class, maybe later I'll call my mentor, I really need someone to talk to" I said inwardly.

I managed to stay sane throughout my exams. Immediately after my last paper I called my mentor, she requested we meet somewhere quiet and peaceful. From my tone of voice, she knew I sounded serious and in pain.

We met inside campus and sat under a tree to talk.

"Katherine, what's happening?" She asked curiously as she held my hands.

Suddenly tears began to drop down my eyes, at this junction she knew it was something serious.

"It's about Michael" I said

"Which Michael Katherine?"

"Michael Lim in church, your friend"

"Ohh, what about him?"

"Mama, we did something so wrong, something bad in the sight of God"

Ma Julia was not just a close friend to me, she was my spiritual mentor, she mentors me mostly about my relationship with God and sometimes about life.

This got her so curious, her facial expression was so serious now as I stared at her.

"What happened, tell me?" she asked

"We kissed and touched each other when I went to see him at his place"

"Why did you go there?"

"He asked me to come, when I came we talked for a while, then later he went to close the doors and windows, after that the kiss and touch happened"

There was sadness and disappointment in her gaze as she muttered, "did you both have sex?"

"No, we didn't"

"It's alright, just pray now and ask for forgiveness from God, you know men are wicked, and Michael is my friend but what he did was wrong, I've known Michael for a very long time, he is someone that can never be loyal, he is manipulative and he is not a serious fellow, give me your phone" she said as she took it and blocked Michael.

"Michael knows you can be naive, his good at manipulating people, so sorry about what he did, now you have to stay away from him, completely"

She deleted our chats and told me never to have anything to do with him again, as she said, so I did.

After praying, I went back to my hostel, feeling a bit stress free. After seeing her and praying, I felt a burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

What I did when I got back to the hostel was to eat and listen to music.