Chapter 51: 3-8: Bugged

Disclaimer: Being neither British nor Japanese, it should therefore come as no surprise that I own neither Harry Potter nor Naruto, nor anything from their respective franchises.

In a surprising twist, the Ministry's investigation into Sirius Black's wrongful imprisonment had already begun to bear fruit a bare nine weeks after it was announced. According to both official and unofficial channels, the DMLE had now focused almost exclusively on Bartemius Crouch as the responsible party (though several lower-ranking clerical and bureaucratic personnel had been dismissed for their lesser roles in the matter). Crouch was fighting the accusations with everything he had; his family was one of the so-called 'Sacred Twenty-Eight', the families considered most 'pure' by those that put stock in such nonsense, which gave him a surprising amount of clout in certain circles. It also helped him that he'd spent his entire career being extremely by-the-book, and was known as a staunch perfectionist, making the accusation that he'd so flagrantly broken the laws he supposedly championed a bit less convincing. On top of that, his aggressive and unflinching opposition to the Death Eaters had won him both plaudits and supporters, most of which he retained even after his son's arrest as a Death Eater because he'd sent even his own offspring to Azkaban with neither favoritism nor mercy.

All of this meant that further progress was slowing down, but Amelia Bones was nothing if not thorough. There were some factors working in her favor, at least: First and foremost, the Minister and his administration were fully behind her, meaning that for once she didn't have to worry about interference from above. Crouch's abrasive personality meant that he didn't really have any close friends, which left few people of any influence willing to stick their necks out on his behalf. Strangely enough given how often they opposed virtually anything the DMLE Director wanted, many hardliners on the Dark end of the political spectrum were also against him, mostly for his harsh treatment of the Death Eaters during his own time heading the department, though the fact that he'd shown no mercy to his own flesh and blood also factored in.

Black himself, meanwhile, had continued to correspond with Harry and Remus, recently mentioning that the mysterious Seeker goggles had been from him after he saw Harry struggling against the rain during the Gryffindor-Hufflepuff match. His penmanship was showing a steadier hand, and he was very slowly beginning to improve in other areas: It was noticeably less often that the recovering wizard abruptly veered between topics, or went off on an angry or despondent rant about something or someone. After over two months of treatment, there were distinct signs that he was moving towards a healthier, more stable mental state. Unfortunately, he still had a long way to go, and based on what progress he'd made he stated that the Healers were hoping he'd be fit to receive occasional visitors by June, and possibly even make supervised outings by early autumn. Iruka suspected that these were in part targets to give the man goals to aim for in order to motivate him and get him to follow the Healers' instructions. Given Remus's descriptions of a wild and rebellious twenty-year-old coupled with the effects of imprisonment and Dementor exposure, Black was most likely a bit of a problem patient.

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It was the last Saturday in February, and S.E.N. were stretching before their warm-up calisthenics for that day's training session when Iruka saw something amiss. Most people wouldn't think much of the beetle crawling out under the door of the girls' locker room, even in the midst of a Scottish winter; most people hadn't dealt with the Aburame and Yamanaka clans, hadn't been trained to treat every strange event as possible enemy action.

Turning partly away from the entrance and pulling a roll of bandages from one of his equipment pouches, the chuunin drew his wand and attempted a bit of free transfiguration. It took a bit of effort, but he soon had a crude metal box (he was aiming for steel, though he wasn't certain how well he'd succeeded on that front) just small enough to fit in his palm, with walls and a lid all around half a centimeter thick. "You know," he commented blandly to his somewhat confused students, "I think I may have forgotten my notes for today. Would you mind warming up by yourselves while I go check?"

He palmed the box's lid in one hand and the box itself in the other and kept his posture casual as he turned towards the door. As he walked, he began concentrating chakra to his limbs, an expression of good-natured absent-mindedness on his face while keeping the beetle in sight. Once he was in a good position, he struck.

A quick dash had him suddenly right beside the suspicious insect before the bug could react. Mindful of poison (an insect or an insect-like puppet could act as a delivery vehicle for frighteningly lethal venoms) Iruka used the lid to flick the beetle into the box, before slapping the lid home. Drawing his wand again, he applied a simple Sticking Charm to keep the lid in place, before turning to the children. "It's probably nothing, but just to be on the safe side I'd like to have Professor Dumbledore check this for me."

"A beetle?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Harry," Luna piped up, "how many beetles do you usually see around Hogwarts in the dead of winter?" She gave her friend a wry look. "Do we have to check you for Wrackspurts again?"

Harry looked a bit sheepish. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. You go ahead, Iruka-sensei. We'll finish our stretches and do the usual laps and stuff. If you're not back by the time we're done with that, we'll... er, should we... what should we do if you're not back by then?"

Iruka smiled. "If I'm gone that long, just work on your meditation exercises. I'll send word if I won't be able to make it back."

Instruction given, he hurried to the Headmaster's office, sending word ahead with Flippy to make sure that said office would be occupied.

"Iruka," Dumbledore greeted seriously, "your missive stated that you'd found something potentially concerning during your training session?"

Iruka nodded. "Yeah. It might be nothing, but it was strange enough that I didn't want to take a chance. I'd have handled it myself if I knew the right spells, but as it stands I'll need you to check for me. Basically, what I've got here," he gestured with the box, "is a beetle that really shouldn't be active at this time of year. I don't know if maybe it's just been keeping warm in the castle, though it'd be the first time I'd seen a beetle like this during the winter. What worries me is that it might be bespelled in some way, or be a magical creature, or even something else. I just don't know enough about magic to know if or how it could be dangerous beyond having some kind of poison."

"Very well," Albus mused, drawing his wand, "please, set the box on the floor and stand clear, and we shall see what is truly happening." As the chuunin did so, the elder wizard stepped around his desk, casting a number of spells over the area. "There, that should be adequate." A flick of his wand caused the box to jerk upwards slightly, before he narrowed his eyes and simply Vanished the entire box. The beetle immediately tried to fly towards the door, but a spell cast with far greater speed and precision than Iruka could confidently match had it frozen in place. The Headmaster's wand seemed to dance, as a series of diagnostic spells washed over the insect to no visible effect.

"You will be relieved to know that I can detect no poisons, potions, curses, nor other hazards. This does simply appear to be an ordinary beetle, which begs the question of how and why it snuck into your training room." The Headmaster paused in thought, before casting a spell Iruka recognized from several weeks prior and getting a similar result to the last casting he'd seen. "The answer appears to be that this beetle is a witch or wizard. Your caution, it would seem, was well-warranted. Now, let us see precisely who has been snooping about..."

A further spell had the beetle growing rapidly, its shape becoming that of an adult witch. She appeared to be close to Iruka's age, with somewhat masculine features that contrasted sharply with her rhinestone-studded spectacles and long, red-painted fingernails. Her blonde hair was done up in elaborate curls that seemed oddly stiff, and she was carrying a handbag made from some kind of reptile leather. As the transformation ended and the spell released its hold, the woman slumped to the floor, her brightly-colored robes looking somewhat rumpled.

"Ah, Rita," Albus said congenially, "this certainly explains your remarkable ability to ferret out secrets." Rita Skeeter, apparently. "Your consistently outstanding marks in Transfiguration were clearly well-deserved, and I must congratulate you on completing such a tricky bit of magic. Given that it's one of my particular areas of expertise, I of course keep an eye out for Transfiguration-related events, but I'm afraid I must have missed the news of your registering as an Animagus."

Skeeter stood up a bit shakily, brushing dust off her robes while trying to straighten them out somewhat. A saccharine, almost patronizing smile appeared on her face, as she looked at the older wizard. "Why thank you, Headmaster," she said brightly, before her eyes took on a more predatory glint, "but what have you been doing with Professor Umino here that he's able to Apparate within the Hogwarts wards? Or was that strange training room free of the interdiction ward, to allow the teaching of Apparition to underage students? What other dangerous and illegal things are you allowing him to teach the Boy-Who-Lived and other young children?"

Her morals were clearly less than iron-clad, but Iruka had to admit that the woman was incredibly brazen to take such an approach after she'd been caught out. Then again, it might just have been that she was completely shameless. Probably a bit of both, really.

Albus's demeanor saddened, and he gave the trespasser a disappointed look. "Really, Ms. Skeeter, I don't believe that you quite understand the situation in which you presently find yourself. A mere few weeks after a truly detestable and incredibly dangerous criminal was apprehended while using his unregistered Animagus form to hide among children, you yourself have been caught doing the same. I hardly think your rivals would ignore such an easy and sensational parallel. While would be entirely unsurprised if you had sufficient... influence over important individuals to escape serious legal ramifications," it may have been pronounced 'influence' but it somehow sounded more like 'blackmail', "the revelation of your form would undoubtedly still eliminate numerous opportunities by which you might otherwise have gathered information for your work. In fact, I dare say that it would swiftly become quite hazardous to be an insect in many parts of Wizarding Britain."

The witch tapped her chin thoughtfully. "That would be inconvenient, yes. Of course, the fact that you've not already called in the Aurors to drag me away suggests that you've got an alternative in mind."

The Headmaster nodded. "I shan't demand anything so unreasonable as that you abandon your career and livelihood. Rather, I ask only that you improve the quality of your work: Look for what is true, rather than simply what is most scandalous; there are enough scandalous and sensational stories in reality that you hardly need to rely so heavily upon innuendo and insinuation. Imagine, perhaps, that you are composing your stories as essays for Professor Slughorn, and make sure of your facts before you write. You have a remarkable talent for capturing and swaying the hearts of your readers, Ms. Skeeter, and it is at present sadly wasted on rumor and speculation. I would also, by the way, prefer that you refrain from snooping about the school, at least while pupils are present."

"Ever the teacher, eh Dumbledore?" Skeeter's smile turned wry. "I suppose I don't have much choice but to shackle my creativity," she sighed melodramatically, "and write only the dry facts."

Albus chuckled slightly. "Indeed. Perhaps you could exercise your creative side in the realm of fiction? A thrilling adventure, a gripping drama, a steamy romance - whatever your muse provides, I have no doubt of your ability to succeed as an author. Also, so that you do not leave with the impression that this is a purely punitive arrangement... should your work in the Prophet rise to a suitably factual standard, you may begin to receive anonymous tips regarding stories of potential interest, or even statements or offers of interviews from notable parties. As an example, purely hypothetical you understand, you might hear that the Board of Governors has for a great many years refused to fund the replacement of the school brooms. This would seem innocuous enough, until some investigation revealed that the current brooms, upon which our First-Years have their flying lessons, are so old and worn as to be downright unsafe. Why, it might even turn out that malfunctions of these brooms have already led to a number of injuries among the student body. But of course, that's just a possibility."

"Of course." The predatory gleam had returned, and Iruka could see the reporter's mind already beginning to spin a tale of tight-fisted Governors and maimed eleven-year-olds. "I must say, Headmaster, that this has been a most... enlightening discussion, but I'm afraid I have a deadline to meet and a great deal of work to do, so I must be going. Could I trouble you for use of your Floo?"

Once the blond muckraker had departed in a flash of emerald flames (great, now she had him thinking in florid prose...), Iruka stepped away from the wall where he'd done his best to remain uninteresting ever since Skeeter had focused on his employer. Given that he was a virtual nobody dressed in neutral colors and Albus was Albus Dumbledore and dressed in numerous colors, it really didn't take a trained ninja to avoid drawing attention. "Do you think it'll actually work?"

"We can but hope. It is quite likely that Rita knows a great many secrets which powerful people would prefer remain secret, and might well use that leverage along with such favors as she's managed to garner to escape prosecution. However, it is also entirely possible that those same powerful people, along with numerous others that have felt the sting of her poison pen, would do their utmost to see her and her knowledge buried as thoroughly as they could manage. She is certainly perspicacious enough to be aware of this risk, and that combined with the less dire scenario of simply losing her ability to sneak and snoop so successfully should secure her cooperation."

"Even so," the Headmaster continued, "I very much doubt that we will be entirely spared Ms. Skeeter's attentions. She is a scorpion, and it is in her nature to sting. The best we can reasonably expect is that she will take a more honest, factual approach to her writing and leave the children alone. Time, as they say, will tell."

A/N: Iruka transfigured a metal box instead of just grabbing Rita because he didn't know what the beetle was. It could have been venomous, or have some sort of magical defense mechanism he'd never heard of, or even be a small bomb. If he'd had more practice at transfiguration, the box would have probably been more elaborate in order to protect against even more possible dangers, but he's only got a few years' worth of training and experience.

Harry was the only one of the kids that spotted Rita, partly a consequence of all that Seeker training, while Luna as always provides insight.

As far as Dumbledore's deal with Rita goes, that's over ninety years of age difference and decades of political experience that canon Hermione didn't have being put to use. He knew that just telling Skeeter to shut up would be a band-aid at best and more likely would end up backfiring badly as she made an earlier start on The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore, only in this case with a major axe to grind. She's still going to be a scandalmonger, and she'll still sometimes target Dumbledore and those around him, but at least her articles will have a bit more of a foundation in truth and a bit less insinuation. Hopefully. Sometimes. Eventually. Maybe.

You might have noted that Rita thought Iruka apparated, rather than simply moving quickly. She has no idea about his abilities, so she interpreted what she saw based on what she knew, i.e. magic. Also, I don't think beetles really have very good eyesight, so I'm not sure she'd have even been able to see anything more than Iruka disappearing from one spot and appearing in another. Entomology enthusiasts, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on that.

Fic Recommendation: "Buffie the Vampire Layer" by Lady FoxFire - A fun Buffyverse one-shot in which some people in the New Council discover the "adult film" series clearly based on Buffy.

Posted 10 February 2019

Current WIP Chapter: 69/70 (partway through 70 I realized I'd skipped something back in 69)