AM I DREAMING?

Seemingly everybody was worried about me but myself. I just wanted to avoid me from what I've been through. I felt the mission would be an uphill task. I wouldn't be focus on it.

At the end I was the less important. My permanent goal was that Freddie would be fine and so far he was. Wasn't it a great triumph Freddie would keep apart from the velvet line perversion? It wasn't just a triumph, it was a miracle. How I was thinking he could answer to my innuendos when he let pass without blinking a lot of one night stands?

Once more, sometimes my clumsiness spoiled the more or less successfull course of the mission. I should try to tame my attraction for Freddie and not misunderstand his kindness and affection to me.

The show once more worked the miracle in me, I could avoid myself during 45 minutes before Moot the Hoople came out. The music could be substitute of everything; hopelessness, sex, loneliness, nostalgy.

Freddie was more electric and perceptive than ever. I got a feeling that with his amazing eyes he was able not only watch the whole theatre but getting a glimpse of all our faces. As though we were special guests at his home and he would like to court us one by one. I've never known such an overwhelming force and at the same time perfectly controlled one.

After Father to son and Ogre battle, when he was starting Son and daughter, it could be heard among the audience a masculine voice shouting out loud: "Fucking fag". Freddie heard it clearly and unmoved he ordered his lightning men to direct the beam of light to the shouting drunk till spotting him. When he was found, Freddie headed towards the edge of the stage not daring to blink his eyelashes of fire. He stuck well his lips to the microphone and whispered with his mighty and vibrant voice: "Say it again, darling". And the boy shrugged intimidated for the exposure.

At that time Freddie had already an excellent mastery of the stage and the whole audience. And that was only visible when you attend some of their shows. None of the footage I've been watching since I was 13 years old could make me imagine how I would feel being an active part of the show.

Once more Big Spender roared as every night at the final part of the show. The haunting and powerful opening drum with a bare chest Roger and Brian's playful guitar. And inmediately afterwards Freddie stepped out again after a rushed ironing of his hair and he walked like a lady in her cabaret. Swaggering his splendid body with that suit, so tightly to his wiry limbs.

He picked up one of the roses they threw him at the stage and took it to his nose inhaling sensually. Whatever Freddie did was capable of regarding sensual. Absolutely everything.

He headed elegantly towards the part of the stage I was. He always spotted me with perfect accuracy. And then he said "spend a little time with me" and after kissing his rose he threw it to me with energy.

It was token but instantly its thorns bruised the inner part of my naked arm. And I thought it was a signal, such a harmless rose in its very beauty and so capable to damage.

I used to wait for them in a room next to their dressing room. The boys came out of the stage barely walking on their feet. The rush of adrenaline turned them into a bunch of robots, minutes after coming out of the stage. The new wardrobe assistant wrapped protective Freddie with his robe while he walked head down and still in trance after the show. It was impossible to communicate with them after a gig. Their sensitivities were compounded and you must let everything go back to normal, quietly. Let the pulse and the beatings lowered.

The concert had been unbeatable but seemingly the general opinion was different. Soon it could be heard shouts and blows in their room. Today the feelings were running high.

I couldn't distinguish exactly what they were shouting despite the loud sound. They shouted everyone at a time and it was hard to catch anything. I believed hearing: "Fucking useless" and "Fuck off" among other things.

Then Roger came in like a shot in the room where I was waiting. He didn't have a shower yet, he had his wet hair around his neck and came closer smiling. He squeezed me around his sweaty arms as though I was his bath sponge.

- How I've missed you -he whispered with his husky voice still huskier after the evident fight.

Then it came the second high-explosive shell of the night and Roger at last let me go and I could breathe normal. Freddie had just come in and things started to get difficult.

- Fucking asshole. Where do you think you're going? We haven't finished our fight yet.

- I have. I'm going with Eli to the hotel.

With me at the hotel? When did he decide that on his own? My God...

- You are going bloody nowhere. And leave her alone.

- What the hell are you talking about? She's my fucking girlfriend...

- What? If I didn't get it wrong, whatever you had it's over now.

- Oh, Fred. Stop talking about what you doesn't concern. Focus on your one night stands and leave everybody else with its own business.

I was getting riled by the minute. For many reasons. 1) I hate they talk about me as though I wasn't there. 2) I didn't belong anyone and Roger always made me feel this way, and it unsettled me. 3)I wasn't in the mood for teenager fights. 4) in my particular state of mind I thought again it was my fault that Roger cherished hopes of getting back at me.

Freddie looked at me a couple of seconds as he used to, drilling your skeleton. I had still the rose in my hand and the blood from the thorns had stained my sleeve.

- Come on, we have band stuff to discuss -he urged him relentless.

- I don't wanna argue anymore. We are getting nowhere.

- Fuck, Roger. Be a professional and use your brain a little. We have things to work out.

- You can't work out throwing me your fucking hairdrier to my head!

- Did I hurt you, my little blondie? I'm so sorry...

- Don't touch me. You are a fucking psychopath.

- And you a brainless who only thinks with his dick. You'll have your sex ration, don't you worry. There are a lot of groupies waiting for you, as every night.

- Shut your fucking mouth up, Elideth is here. She's my fucking groupie.

- Good God, are you blind? She doesn't want anything with you. Leave her alone.

- Are you interested in her? Isn't that so, Freddie?

- You are a forgetful when you want, darling. I saw her first. At the Rainbow, remember? I carried her on my shoulder to our dressing room.

I couldn't believe what I've just heard. And I was there, with the anger climbing up like a pressure cooker from the pit of my stomach to the last neuronal nerve in my brain.

I wanted to tell them: "You had only seen a lie, an ilussion. Elideth is a character created by me and you are just pawns in my chess game, fucking alpha males".

- Fred, she's mine.

- Really?

- SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Now it was my turn to shout. I couldn't help it and besides by allusions I had several things to clear them up.

- First of all I don't belong anyone. Roger, I'm not your girlfriend and Freddie, you didn't see me first, I saw YOU first. I don't want to go into detail.

- Darling, forgive us. We've just get off the stage, we are explosives.

- You aren't explosives, you are idiots. Roger, you won't fuck me neither tonight nor any other night. Freddie, the next time before throwing me a rose I'd prefer you take away the thorns -I threw it to his face and I got out of there fuming.

I took a taxi to the hotel and locked me down in my room ready to forget everything. I was sick and tired of being a damn sex object. No matter how hard I tried, always ended up being the blondie doll who needed protection, who they had to fuck whenever they felt like. I was fed up. I wasn't that kind of woman. I was strong, I was worth more than having a good time and serving as rest of a warrior. I was the fucking warrior, shit.

I just fell asleep, I had at last chased my dreams when I heard knocking at the door. I wasn't even answer the damn drunk who did it. I was fed up with that bunch of excentric musicians.

I covered with my pillow and let the knocking sounding if they felt like doing it. They didn't respect anything, everything had to spin around their glittering orbit. Well Elideth stuck to her decision.

Miraculously the knocking stopped, I checked it up when I sat up and took apart my pillow from my head.

Then I noticed a little piece of paper which they passed through the door. I ran intrigued to read it. In a hotel post it I read the unmistakingly Freddie's handwriting: "Sometime you'll have to open the door and face your demons". What did it mean that weird note? A shivering ran through my back. What the hell was he talking about?

I wasn't to open the damn door. I ran to my bed and covered till my head with the sheets. I was cold all of a sudden and my light nightgown wasn't enough cover. I needed three polar blankets.

I tossed and turned helplessly. The precious sleep that I've caught it vanished like a rebel bird not ready to get back its cage. I was warm now and felt restlessness, intrigued.

I came out of the bed to head towards the door and after two hesitation seconds, I opened up. This mission was getting out things in me that I've never imagined I had. Sometimes, as well as Freddie, I turned into someone dangerously intuitive. And he was from the very beginning a monstruous power which I tried control and in the attempt he was always controlling me. In that little fight we had I've developed a sixth sense to his reactions. As long as he didn't become whimsical or unpredictable, but it was the case most of the time. I guess that nexus which bound and drawn me to him made me open up the door with no explanation. Obeying his note like a good girl, open up your door and face your demons.

And there he was my particular demon. Sitting on the red carpet. Barefoot and wearing his tight black pants with the waist button coming off. He looked up with those unbearable beautiful eyes and I swallowed hard.

- How long have you been here?

- I could break down the door, did you know?

- Really?

- But I'm the kind of person who makes things always with style. Don't you think, mousy?

- A few hours ago when you pounded at my door I didn't see any style at all.

- I'm not pounding, I'm calling.

- You've managed I can get no sleep, stylish but thoughtless man.

- Good, here it is your sleeping pill -he pointed out himself, vain.

And Freddie sneaked elegantly in the room like a quiet panther and the wheel of my existence was going to pick up the pace downhill till it would shift on its axis.

- Are you angry with me?

- Not just with you. I get angry with whoever who presume he could try to control me, master me and talking in my name.

- You have Roger with ethyl coma trying to forget that you have ever existed.

- It's not my problem.

- Roger drives me out of my mind and sometimes I'd slap his beautiful face but I think he's right.

- Right in what?

- Before the show you were about to hook up in front all of us and he didn't even start first.

- I just hugged and kissed him.

- You don't have any idea of what you do, do you? Because if you mean it, you are the very devil, lovey.

- What are you talking about?

- You've been driving me crazy since you turn up at Rainbow. I can understand Roger's madness. Having something so beautiful and deprived yourself of it suddenly.

- Suddenly? Let's see...

Freddie pressed his long index finger over my lips, pointing me out shutting up.

- I'm talking first, wait for your turn. Roger is my friend and I don't want him to suffer but today I was about to punch him. And not just because we were fighting in something trascendental for the band but you were again there conditioning all. Why do I have the feeling that you have an invisible thread whereby you're using us at your will?

I felt myself an amazing frenzy in the pit of my stomach when Freddie said that. He was capable not only staring but also through his sharp sensitivity perceiving everything.

- May I talk now? -I asked ironic. Freddie nodded very serious-. I can't even manage myself. How could I manage the band with the most complex members of the star system?

- Is that the only thing you have to plead in your self-defense? Are you a poor inoccent girl who is fighting tooth and nail against our perversions?

- Can't you see? You are doing your own reading about me. You don't know me at all, goddamit!

- So did you finish? Then you don't say later I interrupt you.

Freddie was firmly in command, he knew it. He perceived everything. My heart starting to pound in my temples and the goosebumps all over. I just wanted to push him out. I wanted to save me to save him. But not even that body with more nervous tracts that the rest of the human beings, could guess my fight.

His arm with a portentous power pushed my waist against his belly. All my complaints wasted away in a never ending spiral through his tongue and mine in a collision comparable to two tectonic plates. My nightgown fabric fell softly till my feet. But as far as I'm concerned my wrinkled nightgown could resemble to a tornado tearing apart the wood at our feet.

I stood there completely vulnerable in front of that 1974 Freddie Mercury, just with my ridiculously sexy panties on as only protective shield.

I wanted him so badly even with that unfair unbalance. I wore just one inch of fabric and he was totally dressed. "Don't go on", couldn't be in my vocabulary at the moment.

I found myself too hot and afraid of that desire. So overwhelmed by emotions that I feared to faint at any moment. His huge and soft lips travelled with no hurry down my neck. Till he rested his incisors on my collar bone. As though the journey was over, as though he would finished off with me.

His huge hand barely touched my left hip. I placed my trembling hand over his. Looking for shelter in my own anxiety or just clinging to something tangible, to know that's really happened to me and it was no dream.

He outlined with his fingers one of my nipples and I didn't even dare to let out a moan which came up between my legs. All my noises was hiding in my contracted throat. Then he outlined it with his tongue and lastly with all his mouth. And his kisses were completely abstracts drawings on my tits. His kisses didn't already show a pattern, they were a mess and an absolute chaos. He seemed to eat my mammary glands for dinner.

When he got tired I felt like a jelly pie, shuddering in each corner of my body. He took my hand delicately as though he guided me to the dance floor. With the same solemnity. I sat on bed, undecided and I thought it was time. Although the leader of Queen's intention would be playing Scrabble naked. It was the time to recover the just good sense that maybe later I could miss.

- Take the condoms from the table -I said with my tremendously trembling voice.

Freddie showed me one of his most mischievously poetic smiles. His eyes were glowing wildly and his lips looked so red like a couple of ripe tomatoes. Bruised and beautiful after so much kisses. He probably would think about telling me it wasn't his intention having sex with me but I guess he respected my trembling arms, legs and even vocal cords.

- Lay down.

It was obvious I wasn't in my gynaecologist's consultation but I was starting to feel like this. Freddie provided everything with almost a dramatic, trascendental, a bit mysterious and even sacred overtone. Although his voice was sweet, relaxed, very sexy.

I did what he commanded me and I stretched my body across the bed. I looked up the ceiling not coming to terms with what it might happen. I didn't believe it yet. That's what happened with me.

And I think Freddie got that feeling and more he delayed the moment. More he exaggerated the expectations.

He took off his shirt, the tinkling of his bracelets sounded now and again. When I sat up over my elbows I saw there was no pants, no underpants. He was stark naked.

A naked Freddie was a real god. His slim and harmonious body. The feminine and masculine quality went together in an unique pairing. His feminine part with his delicate legs, arms and waist, his black varnished finger nails in his left hand, those long and wonderful eyelashes. The masculinity was marked by his plentiful hair body and... yeah... the secret weapon which he could barely hide underneath his tight pants.

It wasn't the same imagining his sex than watching it just a few inches from your face. I remembered how often I told Alex among laughter how fascinated I was with that crotch which in the middle of a concert seemed to have huge erections. Those suits didn't leave anything to imagination and any of the clothes he chose to wear either. Obviously he was very proud of his portentous lenght and he wanted even those who cannot have the privilege to see it, they could stare at it through the thin fabrics of his impossible outfits.

I watched it mesmerized as though I was seeing the Nefertiti bust at Neues Museum. Freddie's erected penis was out of this world. He absorbed with obvious delight how impressed I was. He put the preservative obediently.

With a smile he eased me softly again to lay me down. He kissed loudly my belly and very slowly trailed down with his curled tongue in a straight line till my sex, above my pantie's fabric.

- Darling, won't you stop trembling? -he smiled as slowly lowered my panties till they disappeared behind my ankles.

I shook twice with my head and my eyes closed and my cheeks not only blushed but looked in combustion.

I heard his sinsong laugh against my sex while he caressed it again with his tongue over and over again. I was so aroused that I couldn't stop moving my legs and I curled them in a reflex action because of my crazed nervousness. Freddie took advantage to place them over his shoulders and moved forward.

- Open your eyes -he ordered me with his most dominant voice.

Instantly I opened them up and just then I felt him plunging inside of me. Now my throat did let out all the sounds that before were hiding. It was a little stifled scream, not very shrill but resounding. I felt how my breasts trembled like the leaves get blown by the raindrops. Freddie was rocking in and out of me. Now deeper. My body suffered those extra inches. I contracted all over to this second lunge. My body was getting used very slowly to his lenght. My throat escaped a howl again as I felt how my tears rolled down the corners of my eyes. I opened them up again and saw Freddie's black eyes locking mine, they seemed to absorb all the light in my eyeballs.

He gripped tighter my hips to couple up better and he sped up the rhythm till it was all over. The last thing I recalled was Freddie's perfectly musical moan against my ear and my shudderings stopped. His heavy breathing warmed up my shoulder a few seconds and then my brain just switched off.