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This Quest is Bullshit! (This Trilogy is Broken) : A Comedy LitRPG

Life Quest assigned: Head to the next town over and pick up a loaf of bread. At first glance, the absurd life quest seemed almost fitting for a Level-1 Messenger Girl, but Evelia Greene could hardly hide her disappointment. She'd never count herself among the number of brave adventurers defending Leshk from terrifying monsters. She'd never explore lost ruins and uncover ancient magics. She'd never earn a speeding ticket for running at superhuman speeds in a human-speed zone. Okay, maybe that last one wasn't quite as disappointing. But when bakers go on strike, goblins attack, and bakeries spontaneously combust as Eve enters town, bit by bit this bullshit quest might just earn its Legendary difficulty and the sweet, sweet exp that comes with it. Things just might get a bit silly along the way. This book contains game elements, good jokes, bad jokes, worse jokes, and language strong enough to lift weights.

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5 Chs

The Second Tier

𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐋 𝐔𝐏!

𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐋 𝐔𝐩!

𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥 𝐔𝐩!

"Bandir's Balls!" Eve swore. Thirteen levels for that? I just ran around in circles!

𝐂𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬 𝐔𝐩𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐀𝐯𝐚𝐢𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞: 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐫

𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐨𝐧 𝐓𝐢𝐞𝐫 𝟐 𝐂𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬

𝐑𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬: 𝘋𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘎𝘪𝘳𝘭, 𝘌𝘳𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘎𝘪𝘳𝘭, 𝘔𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘎𝘪𝘳𝘭, 𝘰𝘳 𝘗𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘔𝘶𝘭𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘤𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘴.

𝘍𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘦𝘭𝘴, 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘦𝘭𝘥. 𝘈 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯.

+10 𝘌𝘯𝘥𝘶𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦

+2 𝘌𝘯𝘥𝘶𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦/𝘓𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭

There were no other options. Though a bit disappointed to not receive a Wolf Slayer or Thief class for her escapades so far, Eve wasn't exactly surprised. Her mother had only seen one option forher advancement to Seamstress all those years ago; why should Eve be any different?

Maybe tier 3 would provide something more interesting. Hells, she was already past halfway there; she'd have to make sure to do something worth an Uncommon class of her own.

With a sigh, Eve accepted the promotion.

She noted with glee that the difference in Endurance growth seemed to retroactively apply to all of her levels after unlocking the class change. Considering she'd pushed seven past the evolution threshold, the difference meant that many additional points of Endurance.

She was pleased to not be penalized for rapid growth, unfair or otherwise.

The new class and levels set her Endurance at a staggering 44. Forty bloody four. What am I gonna do with all this Endurance? Thus far her abilities were only good for running away, and while more Stamina was certainly useful, it would never actually increase the power of her skills, just how often she could use them.

Holding out whatever hope she had left, Eve opened up her skill list. There was only one new entry.

𝐀𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐀𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 - 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞

4 𝘚𝘵𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘢/𝘚𝘦𝘤

𝘐𝘵 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘺 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘴, 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘷𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳.

𝘋𝘰𝘶𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘹𝘪𝘮𝘶𝘮 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘢𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘴 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦.

The sheer volume and vigor of Eve's sigh attracted Wes's attention.

"Seriously, what is it? Are you alright? Did someth—" His eyes went wide. "Your class changed."

"My class changed."

"So you got a milestone too?"

She nodded.

"But I only got a hundred exp for an Epic milestone. To get level ten you would've needed…"

"More than that." Eve saved him the effort of doing the math. "I got a thousand."

"A thousand?! Eve, what the hells?"

She shrugged. "Good question. Maybe escaping Fidsworth is a bigger part of my quest than of yours?"

"Or," he leveled with her, "there's something you're not telling me."

"Bloody mage Intelligence," she swore, knowing full well that wasn't how Intelligence worked. She sighed. "I got more experience than you because I didn't hit an Epic milestone. I hit a Legendary one."

By some miracle, Wes's eyebrows raised yet more than they already had. "You what?"

"It's…" She breathed. "My quest. It's rated as Legendary. For some reason."

"For some reason?"

"I don't fucking know. All it says is 'go to the next town over to fetch a loaf of bread' and that it's apparently super difficult."

"Bullshit."

"My thoughts exactly. It is bullshit. It's complete bullshit. Yet here we are."

"So you just get massive windfalls of exp whenever you make progress? That doesn't seem fair."

"Is it fair that you're a Flame Initiate and I'm a bloody Courier? For fuck's sake, my abilities are to run away and to carry heavy shit."

Wes opened his mouth, closed it, and deflated somewhat. "No, no, you're right. You get to level up insanely faster than I do—at least for now—but I get more stats and two fire spells."

"Exactly! It actually seems pre—wait. Two fire spells?"

The man's eyes lit up. "You aren't the only one who hit a milestone."

"You got a new spell just for level three?"

Wes gave a sly grin. Without speaking, he raised his right hand. It came alight. Orange flames licked at his fingers, casting their flickering glow across his face. "Burning Hand at level one," he explained, "and more damage at level two."

He closed his hand, pulling it back as if winding up for a punch. Instead he opened his fist as he surged forward, throwing a thin bolt of bright inferno into the night. "Fire Dart at level three."

Eve watched the twinkling projectile fly through the dark sky, its gentle arc leading it towards the ground. "You know what, forget the thing I said about mage Intelligence." She took off.

"What did I—"

She called back over her shoulder, "You're gonna start a brush fire!" With a deep breath, Eve activated Run Away. She charged forth, speeding through the dry grass at her inhuman pace. The cool evening air blew through her hair and across her face, eliciting a smile despite the urgency of the situation.

Wes's dart wasn't difficult to find. Although the spell itself had long dissipated, Eve's haste meant only a cluster of the greenery had a chance to catch fire before she stamped it out.

Upon her return, the man greeted her with a sheepish look.

"I'd think with a two-year age gap that you'd be the responsible one," she said.

"Sorry." He hung his head. "I saw the new skill and wanted to try it. You know how it is."

Eve sighed, "It's okay. Just… maybe not in the middle of summer. That could've wiped out someone's harvest."

Wes nodded.

"Look," Eve said, "it's late. We're both too tired to really be thinking straight, especially after the day we've had. I'm sure we're far enough from Fidsworth that we can call it a night. We can talk about new skills and classes and where we're actually going in the morning, alright?"

"I can agree to that," came the reply.

Under Eve's direction, the two companions stepped away from the dirt road to find what comfort they could upon beds of grass.

Legendary quests, level gains, and new abilities aside, they'd had more than enough adventuring for one day.

* * *

Eve squinted, groaning as she raised an arm to shield her eyes from the morning sun.

"Good morning!"

She rolled over, doing her darnedest to return to the soft embrace of sleep instead of replying to Wes's greeting. His next words changed her mind.

"Do you want some breakfast?"

Eve sat straight up, throwing her hands in the air to stretch away the night's stiffness. She let out a wide yawn. "What do you have?"

"Meat and cheese, mostly, but Mrs. Yir gave me a few of her scones the morning I left."

Eve's eyes widened. "Scones. Now."

"Yes, ma'am," Wes chuckled, handing her one. "Consider it a thanks for saving my ass."

"Twice," Eve replied through a mouth full of sugary, strawberry-y goodness. "Sounds like you owe me two scones."

Wes wrapped a defensive arm around his pack. "I'd rather take my chances with the wolves."

Eve laughed, shaking her head. "Fair's fair. If I don't see that scone tomorrow morning, there'll be hell to pay."

"What are you gonna do, run away from me?"

"No. I'll run away from you very quickly."

Wes guffawed. "Welp, you got me there. How am I, a measly level three, supposed to compete with your glorious level seventeen?"

"Exactly."

As the pair finished the meal, Eve attributed her high spirits to both the mirthful banter and the pure divinity of the pastry. She'd take Mrs. Yir's scones over some ancient family heirloom any day.

"So," Wes began as they pushed to their feet to continue their journey, "where are you going?"

"Ponsted's the next town over, right? Don't want to risk going back to Fidsworth, and my quest doesn't specify which town I need to get the bread from."

"And then?"

Eve shrugged. "Maybe I'll stay with you a bit? If I got a thousand exp for a milestone, imagine how strong I'll be once I finish this damn thing. I always wanted to travel, and based on the last twenty-four hours, you need as much help as you can get."

Wes ignored the dig. "Isn't that too easy? I'd think a Legendary quest would take more than a few days. If Fidsworth fell through, what makes you think Ponsted won't? Or the next town?"

"Then I'll keep going. It's just bread; there's no rush. It's not like my loaf of bread is killing people or destroying livelihoods every day I don't buy it. I could go anywhere, really. Name a town that doesn't have bread in it. The real question is where you're going."

"East, I guess. I've been thinking over what you said about a mage's college, and I kinda agree. I'm no more ready to fight a dragon than you are. I think Lynthia is the closest city; maybe I can join the adventurer's guild there to earn enough money for tuition."

"Okay, Lynthia it is."

The two walked on in silence, squinting their eyes against the blinding sun ahead of them as it blanketed them in its comforting warmth. Birds chirped as they flew overhead, and the grass on either side quivered with motion as hares and field mice went about their day.

"So—um…" Eve said, "where exactly is Lynthia?"

Wes shrugged, humming the 'I don't know' more so than saying it. "East. I'm sure we'll find it if we follow the road long enough."

Eve snorted. "Yep, 'adventure' is definitely the right word."

The travelers actually went quiet at that, continuing on through the plains in comfortable companionship. Eve's thoughts drifted as they journeyed, first to the events of the previous night, and then to her future.

Already she was only eight levels away from the next class evolution at level twenty-five, and if she wanted something good, she'd need to earn it.

Eight levels—especially in a common class—wasn't long. Not for her.

The hours ticked on as Eve's mind wandered through the different types of skills or spells she might one day unlock. If she was to complete a Legendary quest, why shouldn't she find a Legendary class in the process?

Images and daydreams of great powers and incredible feats flicked through her thoughts, each more impressive than the last.

She was just amidst an imaginary encounter with a deadly leviathan when the hissing shattered her reverie.

"Um… Eve? Is that a field hydra?"

The reptilian form stood just over eight feet tall, its musclebound body carried by four thick legs. Its claws scored the dirt beneath its feet. Most intimidating, however, were the eight heads that sprouted from its thick torso, each held several feet into the air by a thin scaly neck.

The thing hissed again in a dissonant chorus of threatening tones.

Wes set his hand alight.

"I wouldn't," Eve warned him. "These things are crazy venomous. One bite and you're dead."

"So what do you recommend?"

"What do I always recommend?"

He smiled. "Right."

They ran.

The field hydra charged, its array of heads gnashing their teeth at the air ahead of it. Were she not otherwise concerned with running for her life, Eve might've laughed at the way the thing's thick legs seemed to waddle after them. That is, she might've until it started catching up.

The creature drew closer. Eve ran faster. Wes didn't.

"It's too fast! We have to fight it!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it!"

Eve slowed, turning around to prepare herself. The hydra gained ground. Wes approached. Eve exhaled.

The moment Wes reached her, Eve wrapped her arms around his waist and activated Heave. With a grunt, she lifted. Pivoting back around, she took off, dumping the twenty Stamina to use her other skill as well.

The plains raced by. Her heart pounded. Her Stamina drained. Her breathing quickened.

And Eve smiled.

She smiled for the joy of the wind in her face and the sun on her back. She smiled for the thrill of the chase and the sheer ridiculousness of a five-foot-nothing stick of a girl running off with a two hundred fifty pound mage slung over her shoulder. She laughed, not at some whispered joke or comedic line, but because the world itself was funny.

From his backwards-facing vantage, Wes threw Fire Darts at the waddling beast. Pained hisses alerted Eve to the man's progress as dart after dart singed the creature's hide. Whenever Wes missed, Eve took care to lead the chase into a circle so she could stamp out any brush fires before they could develop into a second problem.

Minutes passed as they whittled the hydra down, every step and every spell bringing them closer to that coveted victory message.

Even when it finally came, Eve didn't stop running. It was only once every budding wildfire in its wake had been summarily extinguished that the companions finally collapsed.

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥 𝟏𝟓 𝐅𝐢𝐞𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐲𝐝𝐫𝐚: +𝟏𝟑𝟎 𝐞𝐱𝐩!

"Ayla's tits," Wes swore. "I got two levels from that!"

"Seriously? I only got one," Eve replied as she watched her Endurance tick up yet again. "Did you get extra experience for doing all the damage?"

He shrugged. "Either that or because I'm so much lower level than it."

"Oh yeah, it's probably that. Perks of being a level three."

"Level five now," he laughed. "And hey, I got an upgrade to both my Burning Hand and my passive."

Eve cocked an eyebrow.

"It's just more damage. Nothing exciting, but definitely nice."

"You and your Uncommon class." Eve scoffed. "With your insane stat growth and your new or upgraded abilities every level."

"Hey, keep doing adventurer shit and you'll get one too."

"At the low, low price of almost dying every day."

"To be fair," Wes said, "I'm the one who almost died. No way that thing would've caught you on your own."

Eve smirked. "You know what that means."

"Oh no."

"Sounds to me like I saved your ass again."

Wes shook his head. "Not happening."

"I'm adding this to your scone debt."

"Gods damnit." Wes held his face in his hands.

"Hey, you said it."

"At this rate we'll have to go back to Nowherested just to get more scones."

Eve laughed, lying back on the soft grass. "I'm sure there are other towns that have scones."

Wes lay beside her, the mirth in his voice matching her own. "Just like there are other towns that have bread?"

"Exactly."

The conversation fell silent as the travelers reclined in the grassy plains, their eyes fixed on the azure sky and the few pearly clouds which drifted through it. Another day, another brush with death slipped past.

Alone, neither the slim Courier nor the bulky Flame Initiate could've dreamt of felling a hydra, but together they'd not only won but lived to reap the rewards.

There was more world to see, more adventuring to be done, and Eve loved every minute of it. They had a plan, they had a destination, and, ridiculous as it was, they had a working strategy for the battles ahead.

What more could a pair of young heroes want?