Se-Hui | Chapter 1

As soon as one decides to let go, it's all blurry. Like the light stopped shining on their face, like the blood in their body stopped flowing, like the memories of the past faded away. Did it always feel like someone is taking my life when I let go of something? Feeling born again every time I tried to start away, I put a small smile on my face and pulled my long hair back to greet them. Those people who stole all of my potential to create memories. As if they'd want me to have any, I kept expecting them to make me feel good about myself. My soul, my body, my thoughts, weren't they mine? I guess, it wasn't meant to be that way at all.

I was taking a break from the voices.

I was holding my mother's hand.

She was breathing heavily. She clutched onto my sleeves and prayed to God.

I don't understand it when she does that. She prays to someone she has never seen. She puts her faith on someone who she has never been able to trust before. Still, it's God and not the judges. I sometimes feel like shutting her up, but then again, I don't really have the courage to do that. My whole body is stiff after I hear the countdown. It's like, my mother is not holding me anymore, she's slicing through my skin. I never knew she could be so nervous for a remove like this. I never expected her to even understand any of it. But she's still here, beside me, holding on to her last hopes for me. Her smile is all I want. 

The hall has been lit and it seems so surreal to sit within the audience and feel the vibes of the stage, the burning await and the cold expectations. The lights from above hang loose and I wonder if the people sitting beneath ever get intimidated. The cameras shoot every moment of the show and since it's the final round today, we have been waiting eagerly to know who the winner is.

"Five!" The male announcer screams. "Yes, we are really excited to know who our winner is!" the crowd yells, and my ears go deaf. My mother's eyes are closed tightly and she won't open them even if I call her. Now, I am starting to become tense and my muscles are weak with curiosity.

"Four!" The female announcer screams.

"You'll never get there" my mind screams back.

"Three!" I am paranoid.

"Two!" My mother isn't human anymore, she's a mosquito, whining prayers all along.

"And the winner is..." The presenter takes out the card in which the name of the winner is written, "Joo Se-hui from Gang-seo District!"

My mother's eyes finally open and they shoot at me. "Se-hui!" Her hands intend to pat on my arms to let me go get the trophy, but instead they are beating through me. "Go! Yah, get up and and go take the trophy! What are you looking at?" I look at her eyes, glossed and dark and beautiful. In the moment, I can only see her. All that matters in the world is just her smile, although I wouldn't consider the tears, she looks like the prettiest human on earth. I let out a breath and turn towards the stage after looking at her thumbs up, saying 'fighting.' I don't even know if I deserve this, but I've come so far, it must be for good.

When I am handed the trophy, I truly see all the lights pointing at me. Not even two months ago I would be treated like this, and now? I have a prize that I earned. Were my words so powerful that people had to make me the winner? How could just a little school girl influence so many people? I guess, this world isn't so bad after all.

I get the trophy, a money cheque, and lots of cheers. I am not happy because I was given them. I am happy because the person who trusted me, now gets her trust back. Mother is happy, so am I.

I don't pay attention what happens next. I get carried away like a in daze. I feel drunk, but I haven't had a sip of alcohol. The ground beneath me seems like it's breathing and I live for a moment. Seeing people looking at me, liking me, praising me, it all feels unreal, but then, what isn't? Is this a dream that I hope comes true someday? No, I can tell by grabbing the trophy tight enough that it squishes my palm. I can feel the pain in spite of the joy. I am real.

"Joo Se-hui, do you want to say something to the crowd?" The male announcer asks me, and for a while I just stand there staring at him, smiling.

"Yes." He hands me the mic and I glance at the crowd, cheering. My competitors are standing back with their friends and family and here I am, with the lights and the people listening to me. "I am thankful for all of you to have voted for me. I couldn't have won if it wasn't for you..." I trail off and the male announcer looks at me, wide-eyed, giving me a sign to continue. I just shrug and turn to look at my mom. I want to say thanks to her on the stage and make her spill those happy tears. I want people to know her as the mother who raised her daughter with her heart and soul. But I don't. I can never take her part on what she has done for me. 'Thanks' would just be a small word. Smaller than small.

So, I leave all my trophies and cheque and leave the stage to run to her and hug her.

"Joo Se-hui! Joo Se-hui! Joo Se-hui!" The crowd cheers and the female announcer says something from the mic that I don't listen to. This day couldn't be the best day ever. This could just be day, so I would not expect much from it. But now that it has given me so much, I don't think I can stop expecting things from life. The run towards my mother seems tedious because of all the people I have to cross, but finally when I go to her, she has her arms for me and I embrace her.

"I am nothing without you."

"You are my daughter. Even without me." That's when I cry.