The next step

I wonder if they will like me I do not know when was the last time I had to attend an interview. The weather is looking great so I woke up early and prepared myself for the day

"How do I look?" I said

"You look beautiful my angel don't worry this job is yours okay, hey look listen do not worry yourself today will be perfect just pray and ask for guidance all will be fine okay," Said Gran

"Okay I guess you are right," I said as I left the house

I suddenly felt some reassurance that everything would be okay I kept preparing this speech in my head stupid I know but I was nervous it's been 5 years 5 long years without having to do this looking job and starting over it was just too much.

I got the job but it wasn't paying me much I could hardly maintain my everyday needs I couldn't even afford to buy myself a meal and I knew that I had to start looking for another job again. This felt like the story of my life depressing and miserable. How does one get herself out of this?

I remember when walking in the blazing heat and leaving my CV everywhere because no one was getting back to me and I was hardly making any money at the call center job I got I felt like screaming at the top of my voice just to release all my frustration. How does one continue when everything is falling apart I hit rock bottom but I had to fake a smile.

I did not want my Gran to see how bad things were getting so I did not return back to the shelter till later in the evening. I did not have the strength to act strong anymore I avoided her so that she would not have to ask me about how my day was because it was frustrating saying the same thing over and over again. I knew her heart was in the right place but people feeling pity for me was something I did not want I do not need that energy anymore.

It wasn't easy not one bit but I couldn't even cry because that would make me seem weak I still do not know how I get through this. Regret was my best friend for so many years all for what? All for what failing over and over again how one does one stay strong when everything around her is falling apart it is as if everything I touch falls apart. 

Do I hate my life? Well, hate is a bit too strong I have no space in my heart for that negative energy in my life. I just hate the fact that we had to get to this I hate the fact that whenever things finally get together something always comes up to take my happiness anyway today is one of those days everything was set fresh muffins were baking in the oven so there was this welcoming aroma.

I guess this is one of the ways our counselors were trying to cheer us up. But I couldn't eat my body was under so much stress I started losing weight drastically I could not even fake a smile any more but I have to stay strong there's no giving up now I have come too far and this too shall pass.