Our lives may not fit together

When they tell you they don't deserve you, believe them and let go, when they show you they don't deserve you, believe them to stay and let it go. Never beg for love the moment you do that person will always have a hold on you. They will always find ways to manipulate you and to make you feel less of a human they will break you time and time again instead of building you.

The person for you a person who loves you will consistently proclaim your magnificence and will never let you feel less of a human. You won't feel physically and emotionally drained their love for you will flow endlessly even if they are not around. Love should not feel like it is being forced rather one such feel incomplete without their partner. Love is beautiful and blossoms endlessly who it is not one sided. A person who loves you will always set your standards high and will understand your boundaries. Never for a moment will you feel like you are competing or pleaded for them to love you in a particular way.

They will not expect you to bend over while they just stand and watch drowned in your emotions, rather they will meet you half way in everything you do. When you finally know your worth, there is no amount of money and gifts that can ever buy your loyalty, your truth, and your love.

You will know that the person who would come and steals your heart will be rich in loyalty in truth and love because you waited patiently and stayed true to yourself and did not settle for less. You will be a limited edition something many people pray to have but only a few are blessed enough to get.

I have finally found my man but the real question is does he feel the same way? I wish I could read his mind sometimes but I can't so one can only hope for the best it's just Gran and I, I have been trying to deal with everything on my own but everything is beyond me now. So I know I have to talk about it to someone my Gran already made breakfast so this would be the best moment to talk with her.

"Good morning?" I said

"Good morning my angel." Said, gran

I did not want to beat around the bush so I just broke the ice.

"Grandma, how do you cope with pain?" I said she smiled and looked deep into my eyes.

"Dear you have been blessed with something that only a few tend to appreciate, which is right in front of you." said Gran

"What is that?" I asked still every confused

"Search deep within most of us women tend to cook clean or even bake when we are hurt or depressed, our hands are somehow connected to our soul. If numb your pain by overthinking and stressing instead stressing using your hands your negative thoughts will only toughen even harder like a rope, you will feel worthless and fall deep into a hole that will feel like it's almost hard to escape." said Gran

"How does keeping busy make the pain disappear, you could try avoid it for a while but that does not make everything fall into place?" I said I still did not understand what she meant I starred at my hands still very confused

"Yes, think about it this way our hands are the reflection of our soul. If you move them by writing or doing something you love that pain turns into a beautiful masterpiece, or when you build a house the builder has no guarantees the house will be the way it is drawn on a design but with hard work and determination it might, when painting you take your time with it because you want your masterpiece to be perfect, or sinking your seeds into the ground when you are planting you hoping it will grow there are no guarantees but you have faith in it and you keep watering it, you send care signs to the deepest part of it and your soul lights up when it grows because you know how long and what it took for it to grow. The moment you keep yourself busy with something you love the amount of pain and hard work you put for that masterpiece to what it is will no longer be necessary." said Gran with a smile on her face

"Hands have the ability to set my soul free," I said I neglect something so delicate I thought to myself

"Yes, my daughter they do, think of them as precious gifts you were blessed with that assist you to release your pain. Everything that is done by hand is said to be done with the heart everything we create by hand we give it our all whether it cooking that fine dish or painting a masterpiece so on and so on. Our hands and heart have the strongest connection, they have the strongest connection because they are the number source that numbs pain this connection heals pain they are the only parts of our body that helps us be whole within." Said Gran

"My hands' grandma and how long I haven't used them like this for so many years I seeked help in all the wrong places not taking time to appreciate this wonderful gift these tools the Lord blessed me with," I said as I looked at them with so much confusion

"Move them my love not many are privileged with the gift of hands from today deal with pain differently deal with it with your hands rather than dwelling on your failures and overthinking begin to create with them unlock a new chapter in your life. And instead dwelling on things beyond you begin to create it will become the most beautiful masterpiece and the pain won't hurt anymore because you have been able to transform the pain into something beautiful," said Gran

Her words hit home and I knew there was something I had to do to fix my home life would be meaningless without them, I loved my family with my whole heart and soul the problem is where do I even begin? I called Zakes and he told me that Ezile was okay he just needed space to breath but it has been months now and all this waiting and stressing has put my body under a lot of strain I have lost so much weight and I have these bags under my eyes I do not know when was the last time I had proper sleep. So I decided to write a letter to my mom the queen that helped paved a way for me when she could.

Dear Mom

I hope you are well there is so much I didn't understand back then, but now I do I never understood why sometimes you would look at me for the longest time. And not utter a word but now I know, you knew how bitter the world was and wondered if I would have the strength to overcome it. I never understood why you gave me so many kisses at once but now I do, you knew that we would grow apart someday and you would eventually leave me behind and wondered if I would be able to face this world without you. 

I never understood why sometimes you would sit with your head in your hands and weep endlessly for no reason. And why you would lock yourself up in the bedroom for hours. But now I understand, this world can be so overwhelming and everything may seem to be caving in no cannot help but cry.

The world gets beyond me at times but your words kept me going I never understood why you always told me I could do anything if I put my mind to it but now I understand, because you were the first person who believed in me. It is your love that kept me going. Your faith in me made me the woman I have become today. I never understood why when I was hurt your heart hurt too it was a connection that was deeper than what reaches the eye I only wanted you to be in your arms because I knew there is no place in the world that was safer than you, you're the safest place I've ever known and I know you are the only person who has always hope for the best for me.

I never understood why you always wore the same clothes over and over again but now I do, because ours were always different our needs always came first. There are so many things that I never understood then but now I do I cannot turn back the hands of time but I can give the love you gave to me to my children. And for that, I truly appreciate you.

Our time was cut so short I wish I had told you how much you meant to me when I had the time so that I would not have to live my life with so many regrets. I could have all the money in the world but it would be meaningless because there are so many words left unsaid.

I now see that the only thing you ever did was protect me, you only wanted what was best for me, I never understood why sometimes your hugs lasted that little bit longer. But now I do you just needed one more than me and it was the safest place I could ever be in your arms that is there's so much I didn't understand so much back then, but now I do. I love you and I understand everything now I understand it all.

I hate that our journey was cut short and that I can't share my grief with you but I now get it I now understand why you left us back home I don't blame you for all the difficulties I went through for I now know that you truly gave me all the love you could ever give. I miss you my angel I have learned to take each day as it comes and to love more and hate less I won't let these bitter individuals change the woman you groomed me to become.

Yours sincerely

Mbalenhle Khoza.