Grandma's arrival

I felt like a child again later that evening. I was kind of scared of starting over. The thought of waking up early and getting a nine-to-five was scary and draining but I knew it had to be done so I sent my curriculum vitae everywhere my goodness I even applied to be a cashier that's I desperate I was to get a job. My Gran will be arriving in a few days so at least she will be keeping me company throughout this whole ordeal. I had lost a lot of weight so dresses were not an option right now I hated how skinny my legs looked. I wore my boyfriend baggy jeans with a black polo neck and a gold chain. I applied red lipstick and my gold teardrop earrings.

I missed her so much just the thought of being with her and talking to her as a whole made me feel at ease getting to talk to someone without judgment and being open without any fears but I am glad I had time to myself to think about everything to think about where I want to be and the sacrifices I have to take to get to where I need to be. I heard the gate open my heart was pounding I was so nervous yet excited I ran for the door yes 35-year-old woman ran for their gran I missed her so much.

"Mbalenhle baby my baby come here come," said Gran

I melted in her arm I saw her shed a tear too.

"My baby I thought I wouldn't see you again I had nightmares about you being stuck here again so I kept counting days down days I knew it was going to be hard for you to cope alone, baby what have they done to you, you lost so much weight you look so pale don't worry I will put meat on those tiny bones I will make you your favorite dumplings for supper and tell me how you have been holding up I have missed you dearly." Said Gran

"Okay, ma come I will make you a warm cup of tea there's delicious food in the dining room," I said

I was laying out the plates and I could tell by the look on her face that my roommate was listening to our conversation. Not to be mean but I do not like people who listen to my conversations so I greeted her and she smiled and quickly walked away.

"Breakfast is ready mama," I said

I started with my favorite pancakes. They were delicious. I don't know when the last time I had them was.

"When was the last time you spoke to the boys I'm sure they missed you?" said Gran

"I haven't dared to call them I'm hoping Ezile will give me an opportunity to see them," I said

"Don't worry my child, all will be well, we will leave it in God's hands." Said Gran

It was quite an emotional morning I really missed gran and as I was going through the photo album my heart melted I hated how I wasted so much of my time on things that mean nothing to me. It's a wound that forever had pas oozing how could I be so stupid if I was home if only I was there for my family if only I remained strong and wasn't such a crybaby then just maybe my family would still be okay.

I don't know if you can hear me Lord but please help me overcome this battle too I know you never leave my side.

"You have been through a lot of Mbalenhle so stop being hard on yourself. You did what you could and I am proud of you." Said Gran

It's as if she could read my mind

"Trust me mama I know I can get through this but how," I said

"First pray and reduce your frustration. God will guide you onward, remember a tongue is sharper than any two-edged sword, and so try not to say something that will later block you from seeing your children. Remember you are doing this for them, okay stay strong and firm this won't be an easy battle, be careful of a man with a broken heart and that is bitter he has nothing to lose anymore. He knows you will never go back to him so he will use the children to manipulate you and of course, you hurt. Prepare yourself for that." Said Gran

If the devil thinks I'm still that rural clueless village girl he met then clearly he doesn't know me I'm coming for what's mine every bit of it, I'm not as stupid as he thought I will get through this and I don't care how long it takes. It took a lot to get to where I am today and listen I will not fail no matter how long it takes. Many may think that I cannot do it or I will eventually give up but that is a vow I promise to keep watch me with the Lord by my side nothing is impossible. 

"What will stop me?" I said

I got up and headed to my bedroom. I was tempted to drink but I didn't. I called it a night. The beauty of it all is I knew I was stronger than what reached the eye. And I found a way to get up.

I wanted to cry but there were no tears coming out. I knew it was time for me to wear my big-girl jeans. Gran prepared supper for us and we all headed to the fireplace outside and had a little chat

"God bless you, child." Said Gran

"Thank you Gran thank you for being here with me," said

"Don't mention it," she said

I left and gran was in the lounge watching her favorite soapies. I just needed time to myself. I was really tired and my brain was drained. I had been overthinking for so long that I just needed to rest, we all do now and again.

I am glad that I will not be facing this alone and that I don't have to worry about paying rent my main concern is getting a job I sent my CV everywhere but no one was getting back to me. As disappointing as it was I did not give up because I knew that this was the last chance I had to rebuild myself I knew that there was no turning back now I know a door will open for me sooner than later I just need to keep knocking.