Snail-Man

So you know this thing happened to me...

I dreamed of snails of various sizes, shapes, and colors just following me everywhere. It started the day I walked home from university and accidentally stepped on a snail while texting my great aunt on a very soggy day. I heard this "Fuuuuuuuuummmmmmiiiiieeee" sound under my foot. I looked down and there was this wreckage of what was a shell, bodyparts, and blood. I gulped hard and started crying hysterically. I was traumatized you see...there was this old wives tale about snails I remember from childhood. From the next night into the future I kept seeing snails or actually encountered them in real life. One day as I was running errands I caught onto a snail development of them stalking me. They would move fast to keep up with me, then when others showed up they would stop in their tracks and pretend to act like normal snails. This went on for years...the snails being obsessed with me. One day I tried to boot lick someone I liked then the snails snuck onto the scene. Those blasted snails! The man I was complimenting was a law abiding officer. We ended up dining at a fancy restaurant and I felt something slippery touch my toes. I excused myself and got a napkin. My eyes widened when I saw the most beautiful snails crawl into my bag. I whistled to the waiter and ordered fried lettuce. When it came, we both were very hungry. The three snails left a silver trail crawling up under the table. Eventually the fried lettuce came along with the main dishes. I told my companion of the night about my issues with snails. His eyes grew huge and he laughed so hard. He asked me to prove it to him that night so I did. I took the plate of lettuce and slid it to the edge of the table where the snails literally ran and latched onto the dish. They made very loud noises eating the lettuce and liquid. My companion told me to close my eyes so I did. Next thing I knew I heard this groaning noise and a pop. I opened my eyes and lo and behold there was a gigantic snail the size of a man sitting in the chair wearing a suit jacket. I laughed so hard and kissed it...and instantly it started to glow and he returned to his original form while grinning from ear to ear. "I couldn't help it, the fateful day we first met it was the worst day of my life but looking up at you gave me an opportunity to live again. A helpful gardener happened to pass by and patched me back together. I set in my heart to follow you with my family till death do us part."