the first

⋯

1/06/1996

They are watching me, I want it to stop.

Please please please please... Make it stop. The eyes are everywhere, they peer through my very soul, they judge me, they tell me to do things, horrible things. The voice of a dying man, the voice that knows my name, it rings out in my ears, like a gunshot, or a scream. They want me to kill, torture, to see.

3/06/1996

I'm starting to feel his gaze more and more. It pains me to say it but I might start listening. I am starting to see things, whenever I look into the mirror I see not myself, but a dark silhouette, that looks as though made of ink. He smiles at me, but it isn't a nice smile; in fact, I don't know what kind of smile it is, but it disgusts me, to the core, it makes me think of corroding bodies and rotting food. I know this man is not me, he can't be… he is always far away, although he has been getting closer lately.

4/06/1996

sometimes when I take a picture of myself I see something else in the brief flash of the camera; it terrifies me to my core, from what I have made of it it is also smiling, but this one is a happy smile, yet still oh so sinister, as though excited… its eyes are dark, deep abysses, and there is a light somewhere deep within them, which glows an ominous red… it looks so happy.

11/26/1996

I saw the eyes again today, this time I touched one of them, is was odd and slimy, like a normal eye, but much too cold.

12/01/1996

  Today I got fed up with them, I gave in, I listened, but not in the way they hoped, they were my first targets.

  : Today, as I scoop the eyes out of my 4,363rd victim, I look up at the door, and for a second I think I see the glimmer of something dark in the reflection on my mirror. I brush it off as needing to take my schizophrenia meds soon and make an incision in the lower right abdomen, removing the expensive bits, but as I'm looking up, I see a strange shadow over me.

'This is a very well lit room; there should be no shadows… is it my shadow? No, it's… it's… smiling, as though light is passing through my head and into the wall'

I feel a pain in my whole body as the room darkens, all that's left is the smile and the eyes, those eyes.

...my eyes look more empty every time I see myself, which isn't very often anymore, the red deep down is looking more like blood and less like fire; more like death and less like hate. there is less light behind them now...