CHAPTER 9 (NOW)

I sat on the empty house's floor, with nothing but the background music playing. They had already left; the girl was Elvis's sister, I learned... her name... Aaliyah. A beautiful name, right? Yeah.

Yes, the floor was cold, but I just felt damned, as all the thoughts revolved around my mind, and the only thing that appeared, scolding me, was her eyes looking at me—her fearful eyes. And I was scared. Not scared of something, but scared that this would blossom something in me, something that I had chosen to lock down and freeze into the untouchable icy mountains of this earth.

I thought of her, over and over. It had been years since a woman really embraced my brain. The problem was then, it was just a thought and a want. Now, it is a thought that was making my heart ache. It was something of 'don't dare,' but I had no idea... no idea... of this... no idea... Anyway, meeting again would never be between us two. I barely went to Elvis' place anyway, unless soon he was leaving and it meant saying goodbye.

And then another thought, of the damned, of the person that damned me into this, and I found myself punching the damn floor, until my knuckles turned a shade of redness. It felt hard. Like, why would someone really do such a thing? And then I dragged myself to the balcony. Sometimes when these matters of the heart embraced me, I found myself doing nothing but letting them win because, either way, they would win. They really would.

So, on the balcony, I watched everything and everyone... each person. My house was a little far up, so it was easy to denote what everyone was drinking. And I was holding the drink... I had drunk quite some; this was the last part of it. My interest was barely in any of this—the drink, somehow, but the people, barely, the rooftops, barely... my thoughts were on that girl, Aaliyah. I stated the name again—the second girl whose name I had not forgotten after meeting up. I always forgot the names of the girls whom I hooked up with... they always hit me up with... 

'it's the girl from the bar'... 

'it's the girl from Texas'... 

'it's the blonde whose hair you liked'.

Anyway.., then I... I admit my wrongs and truce, for everything I did to all of these. 

It was like now..at the moment, I was coming to my senses and seeing through the lens again—everything I was doing, every person I was bleeding on, who dared not leave on my demand... and now Aaliyah... and then the statement, her statement came back again, haunting me, 'it is my first time.' Damn, Hayzen, I told myself. I knew I stated I would take things slow, I stated that... Well, one thing was sure, words uttered were one thing, and my actions were another. It just was like that. For real, it just was like that, and I liked it as that. I really did like it as that. I really did… because then I would have created the idea 'no strings attached,' but they all got attached in one way or another. They all did, they just got attached.

Anyway, I was here thinking of Aaliyah... she was pretty, yeah, she was gorgeous, but I felt maybe at one point I had met an Aaliyah, with whom I destroyed by being selfish and alone, and thinking about myself. But I needed to stop tormenting myself with this, or I would end up calling her to ask if she was fine. Wait... do I have her number? No. I found myself sitting, better off, I stated, I did not want to spark feelings that I intended, or rather I would barely be available to embrace and garden them. I don't think I really had the time for that...

The house was cleaned.., it had been an hour of torment in the balcony,.. and now I was inside the house,... Aaliyah... was a hard worker, I guess... I appreciated anyway. And this is when I realized I barely had anything in the fridge to eat. Most times I ate at work or in some random hotel with some random woman. I then thought of her, the other one, and I imagined my little one. Hell, how has he grown? Who is he in resemblance to? I found myself questioning, but his coming had crowned my judgments. I wanted to do biological tests with him to prove, at one point in life, because... anyway... because...

Knock, knock... my door. It was almost eight at night. Today had been a hell of a day. Anyway, who would it be? So, I just went and opened the door without checking who it was. Not a thief, I believed.

"Whoa... Dude!" I found myself stating... It was Luke, guys. Damn, he did not text he was visiting.

"Yeah, man, I just had some gig around, thought of passing by," he stated as I welcomed him.

"I'll order some meat, man, and hefty drinks... we got a lot," I stated, laughing. I knew he knew I was hella lazy when it came to kitchen duties. I hated that kind of work, I really did. So I ordered the food, and we sat on the couch. And for the first time, I opened that screen. I never did, I really never did. It had a lot of 'my past,' which unfolding would be one hell of a problem.

"Moved on?" Luke asked, eyeing me now. He was already wearing glasses. Anyway, I had not been asked about relationships by anyone.

"What do you mean?" I questioned.

"New girl? The house dang clean, man... you got somebody?" He asked again, and now I got him. I thought he was trying to throw shade at me for not moving on from my previous lover. I never literally wanted anyone to talk to me about her... although in the back of my mind, there were a lot of conversations.

"No... no girl," I stated.

"Man, aren't the years fading away?" He asked.

"Does it matter?" I asked, as the knock was heard, indicating the food was delivered.

After thirty minutes of eating in silence, we started watching some Chelsea game, started talking about jobs, his career, and everything. I made sure not to touch on relationships because this meant shifting the arrow onto me, and it would never be pretty. It would be hard to accept... it was always already hard to accept that I had not yet moved on from the pains of my past. I had a situation, and even though the situation would have never been there, I still know that I would still be in this same situation, in this mud.

"It is just hard to think of another man," I stated... I knew the beer was taking control of me. Most times I never really talked about my feelings, and then before he could reply, my phone rang, and a new number appeared on the screen, making both Luke and me wonder. I feared it would be her.., ex issues ; she always called with new damned numbers, like a thief or something of that sort.

"Hey..." I stated with the lowest of voices. I was not too drunk to stutter, trust me.

"Hello, Hayzen?" The voice stated. It was taking me forever to recognize the voice.

"Yes... Hayzen here... how can I help you?" I stated, maybe thinking it was one of the patients who needed help. They always called me anyway... Fact is, it was not her. I would literally get her voice on the first statement, despite how much she would change it. I always knew her... like the back of my hand... or better yet, like the streets of my hometown Chicago, where we used to play street basketball and roam around the streets, in addition to giving neighbors gifts and chocolates during Thanksgiving day... anyway...

"It's me," the voice stated.

"Okay," I stated, still taking my time. The person seemed to know me well.

"It's me, Aaliyah," she stated, and I was taken aback. What the heck... I thought she did not have my number.

"Aaliyah?"

"Yes, Elvis gave me your number. I wanted to tell you thank you for hosting me yesterday," she stated, and I smiled, making an "ooh" sound.

"How are you? Did you all arrive safely?" I asked, now my voice becoming low and steady.

"Yes, we just arrived. Tomorrow I have like a full day of class," she continued speaking, and all I was busy doing was mmhh, yeah, ooh cool, okay, that's nice, sure?, damn... which made Luke eye me with a "who the heck is that" look. But anyway, the girl was a talker, and I really needed her to stop talking, or at least wrap up the conversation. She really seemed to just enjoy talking, so I just listened anyway...

"Is Elvis there?" I asked, trying to shift her focus from lamenting about how the lecturers were making them feel and how reading was hard.

"No, he told me not to entertain you... but you know my brother, he is quite overprotective."

"Oooh..." was what I stated. I knew Elvis knew some things about me, like my hookups with women, so him being overprotective of his sister, especially with men like me, was actually great, and I think this girl should really take the advice of her brother. But she seemed to be a wild one, she really did... but she was entertaining too. I'm sure we spoke for almost fifteen minutes, and Luke was making faces all along... he was one damned dude.

"Aaaliyah... so your class is tomorrow?" I asked.

"Yes, early..."

"I will pick you up," I stated.

"Wow, that would be really cool."

"Okay, have a good night," I stated.

All I wanted was to end the conversation, and in order to end it, one has to make a promise. I was to pick her up; I guess I will have to do it. Anyway, my shift was later on the day, I would take her home after school, and then head to work... but I needed not to let Elvis see me; he would give me a hell of a lecture.

"Girlfriend?" Luke asked.

"No, Elvis's sister," I stated.

"Dude... don't fumble... she's too nice, man," Luke stated, and I was suddenly taken aback by Luke's words.

"You know her?"

"Yeah, I do. She's too nice," Luke stated.

"It's not really something serious. I'm just picking her up, just being nice," I stated.

"Being nice? If you don't want her, just tell her straight up... man, you can't mess with the girl, especially with your current state," Luke stated. Luke was now being melodramatic. It felt like he too had a liking for the girl but could not just say it. He should at least be happy for me; that's all I ask for.

"Okay, man... I won't... man... I'm just being nice... I didn't know she was Elvis's, I swear... I swear, man," I stated, and Luke just nodded.

I understood where Luke was coming from, and I understood every verb and word of his statement. It was always a rule never to hurt nice girls, and I literally would never do that. I would remove myself when it gets tough on my side and avoid hurting her. I really would.