CHAPTER 25 (NOW)

"The young man who abandoned little Shane...," The words still echoed from Miller toward me. I hated the word "abandon"; I really did. I never abandoned him, I never did. It was just a spur of moment, I just took a minute away to fully focus on my work and my own personal mental health.

"I have some goodies to give the children," I stated, changing the topic. If he remembered me, I did not care. As a matter of fact, it seemed he had something not of good label about me. With my statement, he just nodded, as my phone started to ring. 'Buzz, buzz' on check, it was Aaliyah. I did not have time to answer her. No, that's rude. I would have answered her, even if I was in the hospital busy with my job, but I just could not get myself to answer her, not because I hated her, but because I needed her to realize that I am not the man, I am not the person she deserves. I sometimes wish that day, that kiss never happened, because maybe that's what caused all this, and the fact that I said I would take it slow. 'Take it slow,' the word repeated in my head, as my phone went off her call, and I arrived at my car to open the boot.

The children were called all together after a short while, and I was introduced to them by one of their matrons. I stated my name as Levin, that is my second name, and then just started unpacking the things.

As I started giving out, the little boy, with whom my eyes seemed to really like, came next to me and started smiling around, and I wondered why the older ones, or rather the adults responsible, were not asking him to go back to the line where the rest were being given. Maybe he was a good one and held no issues.

"Hi buddy," I stated, as I gave him one of the big chocolates, and he ran towards the reception area. Maybe, I assumed, he belonged to one of the managers in here.

After the whole activity, I watched the students as they were happy for a little bit, as I saw my watch turn to three past midday, so I knew I needed to leave, have some lunch, and then go to the job, as I wait for my night shift.

"Who is the little boy?" I asked Miller as I entered the car.

"He belongs to the manager," he stated, and I knew with Miller here, he wanted a little tip from me, he always did that.., follow a person till he enters his car. So I took my wallet, removed some cash, and gave it to him. "She loves the boy so much," he added, and I just assumed because if it were the manager's son, then it means the boy would never be adopted. Maybe she had no one to leave the boy with and saw an opportunity to let the little one interact with other boys. "Drive safe," Miller added, as I started the engine and left.

In the car, I played some soothing country music. Sometimes I liked the vibe of the music. It would just remind you how beautiful life was via the writers' experience, so I just enjoyed listening to the music. As I listened, the thoughts of the boy occupied my mind, and I suddenly wondered how old would be the other one. Would mine be the same age? Sure, he would. I have been sending a lot of money lately, according to Luke. I did something really captivating after the mother and I became separated. I just decided to open an all-child bank, where a part of my salary would just go there. But I hate thinking about all that. Hell, I do. And I found myself holding the wheel tightly, and my veins started popping up. I was starting to feel everything I missed, and wondering, what will... what is this.., what's this did I bring to myself.

I hated the feeling because it reminded me of everything that could have been.

I hated the feeling because it reminded me of everything I failed myself.

I hated the feeling because I knew it would be hard to ever move on.

And everything became worse when the music in the car tuned to "Whiskey Lullaby," a song of pain about an army officer who came home after long days in the office to find his wife cheating on him.

Fuck, and now everything came flowing—the past, 'Kate.' I sighed as I called her name, and I realized again., I was really thinking about her, again, her, again.

Now it is not as tough; all I think of is how perfect of a family we would have been, how beautiful. Maybe now she is a designer somewhere... And then the buzzing of my phone started again. It was Aaliyah. It was Aaliyah... So this time I just decided to answer, despite how many monologues were in my brain. It would be solemnly rude not to.

"Aaliyah," I started after answering.

"God, Hayzen, where have you been?" she asked.

"I have been out a little bit. Do you need something?" I asked.

"'Do you need something?'" she mimicked... and after a short pause, continued, "I have been over here all worried about you, and all you ask is if I need something? What did my brother tell you?" I hated making a girl feel like this—desperate, vulnerable, and in pain because of me. And one thing I would never tell her is to leave me alone at least, or something like "let me work on myself first." I just could not do it. Because the truth is, I wanted her. I wanted Aaliyah here. I liked that she called now, and she called before. I liked that she texted to know how I was, despite me just taking a step back. Hell, I did like that. I just felt at least important to someone, I did.

"Hayzen," Aaliyah stated, and I realized I had zoned out. "Are you drunk?" she asked again. It was the first time she spoke more than a thousand words toward me. I just needed her to stop talking, but how would I even... what would I say anyway...

"Aaliyah, I... I went to Lady Mercy's orphanage," I truthfully stated. I hated lying sometimes—the only thing I lied about was my past and before lying, I would evade it for a long time.

"What? And you didn't tell me? Or am I just someone you can't hang around with?" she asked. I found myself questioning my own self. Why was she being extra though? Sometimes, why... God, I couldn't find a perfect answer to her questions.

"Aaliyah, I... eehh... I just needed to buy them some things and give them. It did not cross my mind that you would have been down to coming," I lamely stated. It didn't even cross my mind for her to come. Actually, all this was me escaping from her. I didn't want her feeling anything concerning me.., so I felt taking time away from her would just make her forget me. I didn't want...

"It's okay, Hayzen. I just wanted you to at least tell me what Elvis told you. You haven't replied to any of my text messages since yesterday. If you need me not in your life, just tell me, and I won't bother you. I just met you at a party anyway, and we just clicked..."

"Aaliyah... Aaliyah... This has to be in no concern with you. Aaliyah, it's me. Hey, it's me... Right now, I just want to have a little food, then head for the hospital for my night shift. Tomorrow, I have a day shift, but I might squeeze in my time... or maybe now, I can squeeze in my time... Where are you at?" I asked after a lengthy unrealistic speech. Girls' cries were always my weakness, especially hearing her cry because I was the one causing her to feel this. I needed to see her and at least clear my name. And now the loop started again, the loop of running round and round to the same place. Maybe if I should have told her, dead eye, not to think of me, it would have been easier for her to just leave me. But hell, I would miss her. The house would be lonely again, like yesterday. I couldn't enter my room. It would be dark and annoyingly quiet, leading me to thoughts of pains and aches, those which I keep buried away.

"I was just leaving from class," she stated, and I remembered she was still a student. She needed to stop really thinking of me. She needed to focus on her education.

"Have you had lunch?" I questioned, but she hated hotel food. She was more of a homemade food person. I just didn't know why. "Go to my place. The keys are still there. I will send you some amount of money. Prepare anything you want and enjoy the night there. I am sorry, I am sorry for making you feel this way. I will see you tomorrow after my shift, tomorrow morning," I added. After a little whimper, I assumed she understood everything I said and hung up. I had already packed my car somewhere when conversing with Aaliyah. I needed my focus to be on her, so I started the car and headed to the nearest hotel as thoughts of Aaliyah occupied my mind. If I am to date her, will she really accept me, my past, everything? Her brother is going to kill me. She is so innocent; she's a student, as I once was. I was engraving myself in the world of questioning I alone had none to answer. But whatever was happening in my mind was very paradoxical to what was happening in my real life. Now I told Aaliyah to head into my house so that I feel less alone, and now what... and now what... I asked as I entered the hotel. And later on, my shift, and then tomorrow.

 I took Doctor Clarke's morning shift and then my evening shift, so I will see Aaliyah in quite limited time.

I needed not to see her.

 You need not to see her, I told myself, over and over again.