That Reawakened Light

"That Zweihander." I couldn't help but frown in despair, sarcastically, if I hadn't removed this smile. "Did every Doppelsoldner have that kind of power?"

"Only if their body could take it." Hans answered with a wide grin.

After that, we clashed and clashed for twenty minutes.

It was only a third of an hour. A third of a twenty four pieces that makes up a single day. It couldn't even be compared to the life that I had been living.

Yet it felt like Ad Infinitum.

My body wanted to give up, but my pride was too big.

I usually wouldn't give more unnecessary problems to myself.

But the fire within my ferocious pulse in my veins gave me the warmth that I'm not accustomed to.

And it wasn't like I didn't like it. In fact, it was slowly thawing the barrier near my frozen heart.

That moment I realized.

I don't want to lose.

And yet, my backbone was calling me to the backseat once again.

Everything felt different.

The sensation that I had long lost.

As if the ego within me had just reawakened.

Haaah.

Hahaha, right.

Most of my ribs were broken. Taking control of my breathing to prevent pneumonia is a pain.

My left index finger was broken, let alone the pinky of my right hand that was fully detached, and kinda hanging from there.

And at that last moment, I have no choice but to guard against his attack.

That attempt dislocated my left shoulder, and probably rendered it useless for a long time.

Both of my knees were on the floor. Yet my right hand was pointing my weapon forward.

I didn't know how much blood I lost, the amount that I smelled, the amount that was mixed with my saliva, the amount that was streaming down from my nose.

It was so pathetic. The pain did jack shit to my ego, but the realization that I couldn't do anything except take my loss was what made me want to scream and scratch my nails against the floor.

Not to mention, Hans didn't even use his full power. Not a single blood from his veins have been dropped.

But it was nothing but a smile that I showed.

"I lost this one, ahahah…"

Why did I care about the result of this spar? Since when did winning become important to my cravingness?

"You feel it now, don't you?"

Hans looked at me with pity. He knew what I dealt with at that moment. He knew that I had been wasting my life, roaming without a goal within this maze of life.

"Indeed, I feel it now, very vividly…"

It only took one day for everything to be ruined.

The hypocrisy that I built to protect myself.

The lies, the ignorance, the lack of motivation to pursue things.

Haah. Why did such a bitter loss remind me of the right?

Yet.

That sorrow of mine, had been still kept in my place since then.

Sinking at the bitter crevice, the bookshelf of my prewritten personas.

For a long time, it made me stay away from what makes living a thing. I chose a wacky job instead of what I wanted, presuming that everything was meaningless until the bitter end.

I thought that there was no reason for me to be outside of my comfort bubble, as every flame that I put on the candles had dissipated, along with my will to live.

Because of that, the only path that I took was a descending nihilism.

Years and days were wasted. My eyes were above, higher in the sky, yet my body was living off mortal foods.

Opportunist? I'm not the opportunist I'm supposed to be. Not anymore.

I'm just a bird, trying to live within a doorless cage.

Disillusioned, nothing but a husk of my prime self.

"At first, I wanted to let what was supposed to happen pass by." Hans furrowed his eyebrows, accompanied by a judging eyes. "But after seeing your state, it saddened my soul, more so than everything that we both had lost in order to stay breathing.

"Faust, my friend. You have lied too much, and you're starting to lie to yourself."

"... Is it because I said that I could take down one or two Doppelsoldners?"

"It is because you said that you could take down 'one or two' Doppelsoldners." His eyes were full of pity, but not even a sigh of disappointment went out of his throat. "The Faust I knew would never say that.

"Instead, he would stay silent." Hans put on a melancholic smile. "And then after a few seconds, he would spout something like, 'Who knows? I know of the result, I know everything. But how about them? But do they know of the Man who dealt with the Devil?'."

"... Just because of that single unsaid, bastardized catchphrase of mine, you managed to uncover everything?"

"Hah, just because of that single line."

I ended up laughing, not because of the fact that this bastard of a friend did all of this because I didn't say what I was supposed to, but because I realized how vulnerable I was, even though I have put a lot of effort into hiding it all.

"You made this up, aren't ya?" I mustered myself to sit back and carefully put Adust on her sheath. "You just want to spar with me, for the good old time sake, even though your buddy of the past has gained nothing but a peculiar palate of street food for the past years."

"Ey, that's one of those too." He grinned, crossing his arms. "I'm just afraid that, if I don't do this now, you will be far gone into the deep pit, where nothing would ever reach.

"You know, the more fear of being hurt lies beneath, the more they want to be loved without loving."

"It would only be a matter of time..." I paused for a while. "Until they sank into a place where nobody, not even sorrow wanted to be at their side. You know that I'm the one who said that back then. You're just repeating everything back to me."

"Want to hear more things that you said in the past?"

"Blast it away, my friend~"

"Karma is nowhere to be found, even until this very moment—the future is ever uncertain. They said that heaven is watching, but all the things truly evil remain evil still." Hans darted his eyes upon the sky. "Hahaha. Letting things be in their state, hoping that something will change, is not really my thing."

"Well, I lost an eye and an arm today, guess that changed something."

"Wait, since when did you lose an eye?"

"I closed it all the time, and you didn't notice?"

"A closed box doesn't mean that there won't be any cat inside."

"While I agree on that, not everything is a Schrodinger. Dumbass."

We used our last minutes throwing stupid banters and laughing with one another. Eventually, the time was running out.