5. Hell is Personal

Ellie

One of the things that I've always loved about the night sky are the stars. Anywhere else, you know that the stars are there but you can't see them. Their presence is constant, but you'd have to search for that lucky spot to get the view. Here in the sanctuary of the trees, not a single star is outshined by the lights of buildings or streets. They all shine unapologetically, dotting the canvas and telling stories in their collective shapes. As a child, we all find wonders in the sky. As adults, it becomes easy to forget what's right in front of you.

Koga and I sit on the porch; I keep pointing out the shape of bunnies in the stars and the details of faces in the clouds. Koga looks in every direction I point to.

The sound of a howl perks up Koga's ears as well as my own. It's no ordinary howl. It's a call and we are instantly drawn to it. Koga's tail wags and he stands, looking in the direction of the howl. We hear it again and I stand with Koga. This sound – the emotions I hear in it align with the emotions it makes me feel. There's longing, a deep sadness, but there's also … love. I can't explain it, but it's there. Before I realize what I'm doing, I tip my nose to the moon and release a howl of my own. The sound echoes into the night and I can't help but hope that it travels to the wolf singing to us this evening.

Within seconds, the wolf howls back to us. A small tear falls down my cheek as I giggle. My heart flutters frantically and my smile strains my cheeks, but I couldn't care less. It's the same feeling I had when I was mindlessly chasing that scent the other day. I feel like I'm greeting an old friend as I howl.

Koga runs down the porch steps and starts a beeline towards the trees. I shout for him, and he just barks at me in return. He stops to look at me, nodding his snout towards the trees before resuming his chase. I think that was his way of telling me to follow him – so I do. I run after him without a care that I'm not wearing shoes or that my clothes are less than accommodating for the night chill.

I can see Koga's black fur but it's faint in the dark of the night. I pick up my pace, pushing my legs faster than I ever have trying to keep up with the beast. Normally when we run together, he stays close. But now he's running as if he's searching for something. Something important.

He's dodging tree roots, rocks, and high branches with ease but I am not having such luck. I wince as the earth stabs into the bottoms of my feet and thin branches whip my face. I can still hear his paws pounding into the dirt but the further I chase him into the forest, the harder it is to see him. My legs burn, my feet bleed and my lungs are catching fire. But still, I push.

A lifted tree root catches my foot before I could see it. I crash hard into the ground, cracking my skull against a large boulder. Every thing is fuzzy and I could still hear Koga running, but the sound is getting further and further away. He doesn't realize I've fallen behind. I want to call for him, but I can't. I can't move and I can't speak. I lay with the moon shining over me as everything turns black.

I'm floating in empty space. I ask if anybody can hear me, but no sound makes it past my lips. I look all around me and see nothing. A limbo, a place of nothing, stuck between time and space. How did I get here? What am I doing here?

"Please don't hurt me!"

A terrified shriek shocks me out of my confused state.

"Please!"

I look around me and I can't find the woman speaking.

"Stop it!"

I can feel her fear, her panic as if it were my own. I need to find her; I need to help her! I'm thrashing about, but I'm not moving. I'm stuck in this void, forced to listen to this woman's pleas and unable to help.

She screams and tears flood my eyes.

'Leave her alone!' I want to scream. I want to scream so loud that it scares away whatever is trying to hurt her. I keep thrashing, I need to fight this hold on my body. But the grip is tightening. It's like a boa constricting around my limbs. The hold growing tighter and tighter until it's painful to breathe.

A blast of pain hits me in the gut. All the air in my lungs rushes out and I grow dizzy. Another blast hits me in the face and my cheek throbs at the sensation. The woman keeps screaming as the hits keep coming, piercing me in different parts of my body and the pain becoming too intense. It blinds me and I'm hit again before I have a chance to regain composure.

"Don't hurt my pup!"

The woman shrieks, but I'm too weak to understand.

"No, no! Please!"

She cries as I'm hit once again, and again, and again. All strikes aimed for my belly. It hurts. And I can't stop it.

"You filthy whore!"

Another voice shouts. This one belonged to a man. It's full of rage, hate and disgust.

"You dare open your legs for that mutt! And even worse! You carry this abomination!"

"HE IS NOT AN AMBONIATION!"

"IT'S A MONSTROSITY! It is a disgrace to your name! A pathetic excuse for offspring! It is a stain on your reputation!"

I weep as the words cut deep into my flesh. Everything hurts. I feel so weak, my eyes can barely open. Not like I could see anything even if they could. Another strike to the face makes my ears ring.

"Stop it!" The woman cries out before I feel another strike to my belly.

Her voice is echoing in my mind. I can hear it clearly even as the pain steals what little breath is in my lungs. I recognize it. It's … my voice.

I don't have a moment to dwell on this realization. The hits multiply in numbers, cracking against every inch of my body. I'm being pushed from the brute force of the assaults. Fire burns under my cheeks, my ribs, and back.

'Please, stop this.'

A horrifying scream is unleashed, and it takes me a second to realize it's coming from my own lips. I cry out, begging someone to get me out of this hell. Pull me out of the abyss before I disappear forever.

"Koga! Somebody! Anybody! Help me, please!"