Chapter Fifteen

"Are you stupid or something? Did you really think I'd allow that!?" Tairen yelled, his voice seething with anger. Dallas sighed, his head tilted down and Cedric looked worried but neither of them looked like they wanted to stop him. "After all you've been through...you...why?" His voice lowered but then he shook his head as if to snap himself out of it. He sent me a fiery glare which made me think it was best to keep quiet. "We don't know how long you have. You could die any second and you want to go out there where we can't do anything about it? You could die, don't you get that?"

"Of course!" I yelled, crossing my arms and looking down. So much for keeping quiet. "Of course, I get that. I know it's dangerous in my condition and I don't want to be dead weight but—" I bit my lip, squeezing my eyes shut. Why was Tairen so angry? I thought he didn't care. "Look, I'm gonna die either way and I don't want to die having done nothing. This is the least I could do just—please, Tairen, let me find a purpose before I can't."

The room went dead silent as Tairen stood still. His eyes were blazing but I could see that he was conflicted. I just wanted to contribute to the castle—thank them in some way. Why couldn't he understand that? Did he just expect me to sit around and wait for my death?

"Permission to speak?" Dallas asked.

"Yes, you may speak freely in here," Cedric said, glancing at Tairen as he fell back in his seat. He glared down at his hands, sprawled out on the table.

"Okay—" he cleared his throat awkwardly "—well, I think that Ryker is prepared to go. I doubt we'll encounter any issues if it's just information-gathering and if we do, I'm confident he can defend himself, if not counterattack. However, I propose we launch this mission two weeks from now so we have proper time to prepare and so I can teach him the basics of weapon combat."

"I don't think you understand," Tairen said, turning his anger on Dallas. "The danger isn't whatever's out there because I doubt you'll have to engage in combat. The issue is that magic is eating Ryker up and he could die leaving the castle or he could die on his way back. The fact is, we don't know but with him outside of the kingdom, we can't do anything!"

"You can't do anything either way!" I snapped, pinching the bridge of my nose, looking down at the table. I could feel their eyes on me, like rays of heat. "I'm going to die no matter what you do, you can't prevent it or prolong it."

I felt my eyes tearing up. I'd promised Blake I'd live but he didn't accept my promise so did it matter? Zeke said I wouldn't die, Blake told me to make the promise to myself. But I don't understand how Zeke could think I could win this battle. And how would promising to myself be better than promising to someone else? What was the point in going through with it if it was just me holding me to it?

"I will let you go under some conditions," Cedric said.

"What?" Tairen hissed, glaring at him.

"One, I will personally monitor you through the next two weeks during your training and if I deem you unfit in any way, you will be taken off the mission," he said. "And second, you will check in with the doctor at least once a day so we can accurately monitor your magic levels. If you agree to this, then I will allow you to go."

I nodded immediately. "Of course. I accept the terms." All I had to do was prove that I was fit to go. That wouldn't be too hard.

"You're letting him go!?" Tairen snapped. "But—what if—"

"He made some good points. Whatever might happen to him cannot be prevented nor prolonged by us. It would do no harm to let him accompany Dallas if he is fit. He is a knight after all," Cedric said.

Tairen scoffed, crossing his arms and turning his head away. Why was he letting this get to him so much? He said he didn't care, why was he suddenly changing now? I almost wanted to say that to him because it made me angry. He didn't care until I was making decisions for myself. He didn't care until he lost control.

I mentally shook my head. I shouldn't be thinking that way, Tairen isn't like that.

"Well, let's go over where I'll have you guys investigate. From there, depending on your information, you will decide whether you go anywhere else and where you'll go if that's what you decide," Cedric said. Tairen stood up, leaving the room without a word. Cedric sighed. He looked tired. "Well, let's get started."

The briefing took only about twenty minutes but even then, I realized it was pretty late. I was exhausted. Was this the effect of the magic? I'd never been so tired before, especially after having slept for so long—not that I'd gotten that much sleep for years.

Dallas followed me back to my room. He acted the same as always; enthusiastic and joyful, teasing and joking around. It was almost as if nothing had happened. I started to wonder if anything did.

I was having a hard time keeping up with him, though and he was bound to notice. He may not be a genius but when it came to his friends, I'd consider it impossible to hide anything from him. He may not confront it but I could tell he caught the slightest offset in the moods of the people around him and I just didn't have the energy to fake it right now.

My mind inevitably drifted back to Tairen, almost as if thoughts of him were a default now. I gave up fighting them. I just wasn't in the mood.

As I tuned out Dallas, I began to slip back into the darkness, allowing it to consume me delicately with thoughts of those green eyes. I wondered about Tairen's past. His father was a king person, as I'd heard, and his mother was a respectable woman, although I hadn't heard much about her. Tairen considered his father weak because of that kindness, to such an intense point that he'd used his father's somehow misplaced kindness as an excuse for his kindness.

Or maybe it wasn't an excuse. Maybe he was really just that afraid of being kind to people. I doubt it was just because of his father. He must have been through something himself in order to be so against it.

Whatever the reason, he was a closed-off person, even to someone close to him, like Cedric. I believed I was good at reading people but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get a read on him. He was a completely blank slate. Even now, I didn't quite understand his anger. He was confusing.

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

I blinked quickly, directing my attention back to Dallas. He was looking ahead, his eyes fogged as if he were dazed. His hands were lazily folded behind his head.

"Go ahead," I said. Whatever it was, he definitely didn't seem like he had been just a few minutes ago. Something had changed. Maybe I should have been listening.

He smiled softly. "Well, I wanna know what you think of the King. I was just joking about what I said earlier, I know you guys aren't like that, but I am curious about how you think of him."

My eyes widened and I chuckled, looking down. Somehow, he'd hit the nail on the head, figuring out exactly what I was thinking. Maybe he was a lot more perceptive than I gave him credit for. I'm surprised he was able to decipher what my thought process was. Or maybe it was just a coincidence.

"Well, I respect Tairen. He did make it possible for me to come here in the first place," I said, looking back up. He'd given me a chance to start over. "But I also don't like the idea of royalty anyway and I just can't imagine ever treating him as such. Not to an excessive point, like bowing." I shrugged. "Truthfully, I think he's narcissistic and spoiled but I can't say that with confidence 'cause I just don't really know him." I frowned. And I guess I'd never really know him now. Wow, you really fucked up.

"Well, personally, I'm okay with treating him as royalty and I'd never dare to call him narcissistic but I do think you're good for him," he said, smiling wider. "I think he needs someone who wants to know him more than just the King. He needs a friend more than anything—someone to relate to and from what I've seen, you're doing a pretty good job at that. I just hope you won't—" he broke off, dropping his arms and clearing his throat. His eyes fell solemnly. "Just—don't regret anything, okay?"

I nodded regardless of my confusion. I didn't regret anything or, at least, I tried not to. Everything I've done was working towards something bigger. I wanted to be something more than a meaningless tool for someone else and every step I've taken was for that ideal. However, I wanted to regret many things.

I wanted to regret leaving because I knew Kenny would worry about me and even though it was hard to believe, my father would too. I wanted to regret going through the magic-injecting process because now I was doomed to die. I didn't want to die—I can't imagine ever wanting that—but I wasn't afraid of it. I was just disappointed it cut down my time to reach my goal. And I wanted to regret causing some sort of issue with Tairen, whatever it was. Although I should have been drowning in regret, I just couldn't grasp it.

I couldn't regret it.

But I think if I were to end up lying on a cot in that doctor's house, hooked up to tubes and technology, knowing they were the only things keeping me from death, I think I'd regret a lot of things. It was surprising to find the first thing that came to mind was Tairen.

I didn't want to regret anything about him, yet whatever was going on between us was the only thing that I think I'd truly regret were I in a situation like that.

"I wonder how this'll end up. How will it all fall into place?" I wondered aloud. But I guess puzzle pieces don't just fall into place, do they? Dallas turned to me curiously. I smiled at him. "I have plenty of time to fix things. Don't worry, I won't regret a thing."

We made it back to my room and Dallas immediately gathered extra blankets and threw them on the floor. It didn't make sense since he ended up in my bed by the end of the night anyway.

He collapsed on the ground, burying his face in the pillow with a groan. "I'm so tired!" he whined, rolling over and looking up at the ceiling. "You should turn off the lights."

"In a sec," I said as I walked to the closet and quickly grabbed some clothes for me and Dallas. He'd fall asleep in training clothes sometimes. "Here." I tossed him the clothes but he just grunted when they landed on his face, remaining still. "You'll regret falling asleep in your boots."

"I know," he said, rolling over and hugging the clothes.

"So change," I said, walking to the bathroom.

I heard a faint "I will" as I closed the door. I changed as quickly as possible so that I wasn't leaving Dallas bored for too long. He'd fall asleep any second and I wasn't going to let him climb into my bed with dirty boots on. As soon as I was finished, I left the bathroom, only to find Dallas still on the floor, his boots remaining on, his shirt halfway off.

"Dallas," I nudged him with my foot. "Dallas, dude, c'mon you—"

"I don't want you to die," he said. I stilled. He covered his face with his arm. "I don't want you to leave me."

I knelt down, tugging at his shirt and handing him a new one. He slowly pulled it on, his eyes down the entire time.

"My mom had a brain tumor," he said, his face solemn. "It was the only thing that got my dad to stop hitting her—hitting us. I was somehow grateful even though I knew I shouldn't have been. When she died, my dad stayed in his room and never came out. And soon enough, he left me, too. But he chose to. He chose to leave me behind." He hunched over, tears dripping down his cheeks. "I wasn't enough to make him want to live."

"Dallas, it's not—"

"My fault?" He pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his head. "It's not my fault but before they had me, they were perfect. There was no violence. He never would've thought of raising a hand to her. It's not my fault but if I would have given him some reason to live, he wouldn't have taken his own life." He sobbed. "I just—I don't understand. Why can't I keep anyone?"

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, hugging him tightly. My nerves eased as I rested my cheek against the top of his head. Gentle sobs shook his body as his finger clung to me so hard, they were white, burrowing himself in my embrace.

"I won't die. I won't leave you, alright?" I said. Why are you doing that? You know it's a lie. That's out of your control. Why do you keep doing that? "You make me want to live. You're enough. I don't need anything more than you. So stop crying." I hugged him tighter. "I won't be like them. I won't leave. You can keep me."