Chapter 3-The Genial Test

Hmm... Ok, Kakashi... All ya have to do is not look in his eyes. Treat them like every other team you've gotten, and make it through tomorrow. It's all you can do...'

Kakashi sat on the roof of the Academy building, waiting for his genin to join him. He had shunshined up to the top, and had promptly turned around.

Which was the only thing that had saved him from being Tsukiyomi'd when Naruto shunshined up after him. Naruto took the fact that Kakashi's back was turned that he hadn't noticed Naruto shunshining, so Naruto immediately teleported back to the class room, and walked to the roof behind the girls.

'Yes, just have to avoid looking him in the eyes...'

"Uh, Kakashi-sensei? Why are you staring over there?"

"... No reason. First, let's introduce ourselves."

Before Sakura could speak up, and ask how exactly they were supposed to do it, Kakashi spoke again.

"Naruto... You go first."

"I am Uzumaki Naruto. I like ramen. I dislike the three minute time period it takes for ramen to be fully cooked. I desire to become the Hokage. Dattebayo."

More hesitantly, the two girls followed the same pattern that Naruto used. As they finished up, Kakashi began to initiate his plan to pass the team without actually having to fight Naruto.

"... And I want to be a strong Kunoichi!"

"That's nice... My name is Hatake Kakashi, and I'll be your jounin-sensei. Now, there's something you three should know. Just passing the academy exam does not automatically make you a genin. You also have to pass a test given by your assigned Jounin.

"Meet me at the hero's monument, tomorrow morning at 8:30. I highly recommend you not to eat anything... wouldn't want you to throw it up."

With that, Kakashi shunshined away.

Ino looked over at Sakura and Naruto.

"You have any idea why he never turned and looked at us?"

'On a team with Naruto-kun! On a team with Naruto-kun! Yes! I'll show you, Ino-pig! The power of love will prevail!'

Sakura was skipping along behind Naruto. Normally, Naruto would disappear after classes. He would go train, or eat ramen, or continue his mission.

Today, though, was different. With the 'revelation' of what his new mission was, he could no longer afford to avoid his fan girls.

And god DAMN did he regret it.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just Sakura skipping along behind him.

No, Ino was also walking with him, babbling something about flowers, or some other nonsense.

Naruto just grunted every so often... He figured that was safer then his usual way of dealing with annoying people.

But he was REALLY close to just Tsukiyomi-ing one of them.

So he walked over to the training ground, with Sakura and Ino alternating between rambling, giggling, and fighting each other. And they had yet to notice that Naruto was ignoring them.

'That new bloodline of Haruno's had better be worth this...'

"Ok, guys... We have a new member this week.

"I hope you'll all welcome him, just as everyone else welcomed you."

A number of adults were sitting around a few tables, in somebody's living room.

The front door opened, and in walked Asuma, being led by Iruka.

Patting Asuma on the shoulder, Iruka walked over to an empty seat.

Awkwardly, Asuma stood in front of the assembled group, before speaking.

"Hi... My name is Asuma... and I've been tortured by the Kyuubi."

"Hi Asuma."

Naruto began to train, as he usually did.

'What... What the hell is he doing?'

Ino and Sakura could only really stare in awe.

'Why does he keep on staring at those poor birds? And why do they keep on falling out of the trees?'

Or maybe it was confusion.

The two are sometimes mistaken.

'What the hell? Did he just make a bunshin? How did it pick up the bird... He knows a solid bunshin? OH MY GOD, THAT POOR BIRD! HOW COULD HE BLOW THE CLONE UP LIKE THAT? TO KILL THE BIRD?'

Perhaps disgust. There was probably a little bit of disgust thrown in there.

Naruto looked up.

"Yamanaka, Haruno. Why do you continue to stare? I'm attempting to train here... do you two not train?"

Sakura and Ino looked at each other, not sure how to respond. Ino spoke first.

"Well, uh... I usually don't blow up small forest animals as I train, Naruto-kun."

"Ah. I see. Dattebayo."

"Yeah, Naruto-kun. I normally train against Ino here, or somebody else from the class."

"Hmm... I will consider your advice. Perhaps I should continue training later. I have to attend to some... private business, now. I will escort you two home."

When the two girls began to argue who should be escorted home first, and who should be saved for last, Naruto could not take it, and proceeded to knock the two out again, and just carried the two home.

If they knew what had happened, they'd have probably squealed at being held by their 'Naruto-kun'.

Most others who knew Naruto would merely think 'Lucky', seeing how Naruto subdued them without using the Kyuubi.

"And he wouldn't let me stop, no matter how impossible it was to get the stupid things out of the stupid craters!"

"Yes, the Kyuubi is truly evil. You aren't alone, though. Everyone here has been tortured by the Kyuubi in some manner, and lived to tell us about it.

"For example, being one of Naruto's primary teachers, he's had me doing his taxes, and every form of paperwork imaginable that have to do with his finances. Up to and including buying his son porn with his credit cards, and keeping the info off his credit card bills, so his wife can't see it. And as far as I know, the Kyuubi doesn't HAVE a wife or son."

"Yeah, as Naruto's other main teacher, I've also dealt with him regularly. At first, it wasn't so bad, as he just had me reading these cool little booklets he called 'Comic Books'."

At this, Mizuki shuddered, and wiped his face.

"But then... then the Kyuubi started pointing out plot holes. And had me start reading comics that contradict the ones I had already read."

'Is he... is he crying?'

"And then he made me start resolving all those plot holes! And whenever I managed to resolve one... he'd point out another problem! Or more contradictory info! And I always had to resolve it for him, in a logical manner! IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH!"

Some random civilian that Asuma didn't know (it was one of the grocers that took too long in supplying the Ramen Pocky) helped Mizuki to his feet, and walked him over to a bathroom.

"Yes, Iruka and Mizuki are true heroes of Konoha, dealing with the Kyuubi for years as well as they did. I couldn't last as long as they did, that's for sure. The Kyuubi... The Kyuubi had me watch this terrible TV show, with four evil little creatures called 'teletubbies'. I... I nearly gouged out my own eyes."

"Hokage-sama... I have terrible news."

An ANBU had arrived in the Hokage office, trembling in fear.

"What is it, ANBU-san?"

The Hokage turned around from where he had been staring out the window, and saw the mask of the ANBU who was addressing him.

It was the mask of the ANBU he had assigned to watching Naruto.

"Naruto's new teammates followed him to his training grounds."

Naruto knew he was being watched by ANBU... When he asked the Hokage, the Hokage merely told him that the ANBU was his backup, in case of any possible problem.

Naruto bought it.

"So they saw him train? They had to know that he's far above them, skill wise."

"Worse, Hokage-sama... They saw WHAT he trained on."

"... Good god, no. Don't tell me they objected to Naruto training on the animals, did they? It took me 2 whole weeks to convince him it was ok NOT to train on humans all the time!"

"I'm sorry, Hokage-sama... that is exactly what happened."

"Oh, no... Today is the weekly therapy meeting, isn't it? SOMEONE ALERT THEM AT ONCE! The people that Naruto always used to train on are there!"

"And then... He had me read these gay stories, that used people that I KNEW for everything... I still can't look at Kakashi the same way..."

"Alright, guys... it looks like its dinner time. I ordered some pizza, so we just have to wait for the delivery person to get here."

The doorbell rang. Iruka went to get it.

He opened the door, gasped, and fell to the floor with a thump.

Because in the doorway, wearing a blood covered pizza boy hat, holding a few boxes of pizza, was Naruto. With his eyes glowing red.

It was pandemonium, filled with people screaming and running, only to get sucked into the seal, one at a time.

Eventually, it was only Asuma left. Asuma had been using the old "If I can't see him, he can't see me" strategy, covering his eyes, and trying to hide in a corner.

After a few minutes of silence, he felt it was safe to open his eyes.

Boy, was he wrong.

"Well, well, well... Look at everyone who decided to come for a visit."

Asuma could only scream.

"No! I'm too late!"

Sarutobi had arrived at Iruka's house, the place where the Kyuubi's Therapy Group regularly met.

All he found were signs of the carnage that Naruto had caused. Which, oddly enough, did not actually involve any blood, guts, or other things usually associated with 'carnage'. Instead, there were merely bodies strewn everywhere, all unconscious. And a bunch of slices of pizza.

"Well... At least he's done now. I'll send some ANBU out to find him and to ask him to report in for a briefing, or something. That usually works."

"Well, you've all gone over the slip and slide... What can we do next?"

"Oh god, the pain! There were like 100 rocks under that thing!"

"Oh, were there? I suppose that I'll have to do something about all your injuries, then.

"Now, where did I put all the rubbing alcohol?"

"Oh, Naruto-kun, just a little lower... yeah..."

"Is she dreaming about that crazy Kyuubi kid again?"

"Yes, dear... He dropped her off in the doorway like this."

Sakura's parents were standing over the girl, who had been moved to her bed.

They, at first, had objected to her lusting over that darn Kyuubi kid. Not being ninjas, they weren't in the know about some of Naruto's... changes. So her dad tried to march on over to the kid and tell him to stay away from his daughter.

When Sakura's dad woke up 2 hours later, he decided that any decision Naruto wanted to make about anything was fine by him, as long as he never used THAT technique on him again.

So now, they just put up with it. There wasn't anything they could do to stop their daughter from liking Naruto, especially now that he was on her team and everything.

"Might as well let her sleep it off... she had a note pinned to her shirt saying she needed to be at the training grounds tomorrow morning."

'Now that my training is complete, it is time to eat. But what should I get?'

Naruto stood in a grocery aisle, which had an odd assortment of goods on it.

All it had was instant ramen, Pocky, Pocky flavored Ramen, and Ramen flavored Pocky. And milk.

That was it.

The grocers decided it was easier just to keep Naruto in one place in their store, to keep him from wandering around and causing a panic.

Fortunately, that plan worked.

However, it only really mattered when the store was open. Which it wasn't right now.

Because the owner and his assistant were both lying unconscious on Iruka's floor.

It really didn't make much of a difference... They rarely asked for payment from Naruto. Either he gave it, or he didn't. Or he decided that they knew too much about his eating habits, and decided to wipe that info from their memory, lest they help some assassin poison him.

'I think I shall go with the Miso Ramen flavored Pocky tonight...'

"Oh the pain! MY ARMS BURN! WHY DID YOU POOR RUBBING ALCOHOL ON MY OPEN WOUNDS?"

"Hmm... It burns, does it? Well, I just happen to have this stuff here called 'Icy Hot'. "Maybe that'll help with the burning?"

Just as Naruto left the grocer, an ANBU intercepted him.

"Naruto-san, the Hokage would like to speak with you."

Naruto nodded, and quickly made his way over to the Hokage tower, all the while wondering if perhaps the Hokage would tell him what Haruno's blood limit was.

He arrived at the tower, and made his way to the top. He found the Hokage sitting at his desk, waiting for him.

"Now, Naruto... What have I told you about training on humans?"

"You stated that it was unnecessary, and that forest animals could substitute just as well."

"So why did you... Do what you did over at Iruka's house?"

"Because Yamanaka and Haruno told me that killing forest creatures was unusual, and anything that causes me to stand out hurts the mission."

"... Well, Naruto, you have to stop abusing- I mean training on those people. They can't handle it!"

"Yes, Hokage-sama. I'll be on my way."

With that, Naruto shunshined away.

"Wait a second... he only agreed to not train on those people anymore... What about everyone else in Konoha?"

"WHY, GOD? WHY MUST YOU HAVE ME ENDURE THIS TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE PAIN?"

"So the massages didn't help you soothe your aching muscles, I take it? Or maybe it was just the fact that they were done with large meat tenderizers?

"Hmm... what to do next? Some of you have started to disappear, so it looks like our time is short.

"How about a nice game of Russian Roulette?"

One by one, people began awakening within the confines of Konoha General Hospital.

Each of them awoke, sobbing, yet relieved to be safe.

And sadly, this is a regular scene at the hospital.

It was bright and early that Yamanaka Ino awoke, ready to take on the day.

After being told that "That Ky- err, Naruto kid carried you home," Ino could hardly contain her glee.

Of course, being told that Naruto was also carrying Sakura at the same time killed her mood a little.

But even then, Ino went to sleep in preparation of her big test the next day.

One she was sure she'd pass because Naruto was there.

The fact that she was correct does not excuse the fact that she was right for the wrong reason.

'Hmm.. I can't always stand with my back to Naruto... I need some kind of protection. Sunglasses probably won't work well, as they don't fit over my forehead protector...

'Hmm... maybe a mask? I can't go around wearing an ANBU mask anymore.

As Kakashi perused the masks at the local costume shop, one particularly struck his eye.

'I don't quite know why... but that orange one over there reminds me of Obito...'

'Alright... I've got enough face and eye protection here to last me a lifetime... Or maybe a few weeks. And I also got that mask that reminds me of Obito so much...

'Now all I have to do is avoid looking Naruto in his eyes...'

11:00 A.M. rolled around, and Naruto was getting frustrated. Kakashi had yet to show up... that was expected. Kakashi was well known for being late, so Naruto knew that this was normal.

No, what was annoying was how the two girls kept on glaring at each other.

It had started when Ino had declared to Sakura that "It doesn't matter that Naruto-kun took you home last... He still likes me more!"

Sakura, having no clue that Naruto had taken her home last, immediately started to victory dance.

Ino took offense to that.

Naruto let them roll around fighting... Until they accidentally crushed one of his boxes of Pocky.

It took all of Naruto's will-power not to kill Sakura... Though the massive hole that Naruto's punch created next to her head freaked her out a little.

Naruto apologized for his reaction, and politely asked the two to stop fighting.

But it looked like they were dangerously close to starting again...

Before the girls could really incite Naruto's wrath, Kakashi appeared.

"Sorry I'm late... I had an appointment with my fortune teller, and she told me that I should sleep in late today."

Kakashi waved away the girls loud protestations, and turned to look at the monument. Which, coincidentally, was in the opposite direction of his genin team. Pure coincidence, that.

"I hope you all remembered not to eat..."

Both girls immediately looked over to where the crushed box of Pocky sat, and then at Naruto. Naruto just continued staring at Kakashi.

"Well, the test is..."

As Kakashi described the bell test, and the statistics behind the genin tests in general, Naruto nodded.

'Yes, this is what is standard. Kakashi's bell test is about teamwork, I believe. I'll just take the bells, and give them to the girls... Kakashi must also know about the mission, so he'll understand that I must beat his test.'

Still facing away from the team, Kakashi attached the bells to his belt, and slipped something onto his face.

The second he said go, both girls disappeared into the brush.

Kakashi turned around, to face Naruto.

"Kakashi... You're eye is no match for mine. Perhaps that is why you wear those sunglasses?"

Yup... While he was turned away, Kakashi had slipped on a pair of sunglasses.

Naruto, deciding to end this quickly, quickly utilized his Tsukiyomi, and when Kakashi slumped to the floor, he walked over, and took the bells.

Naruto then went off to look for where the girls managed to get themselves off to.

The second Naruto was out of sight, Kakashi sat up.

"Whew... Thank god he couldn't tell that I wasn't looking in his eyes."

Unfortunately, Kakashi had slumped to the ground the wrong way, and the part of the glasses that went over his Hitei-ate had snapped when he hit the ground.

"Lousy cheap sunglasses..."

"Yamanaka, Haruno... I have recovered the bells."

Sakura and Ino had made their way away quickly from Kakashi, and had, by luck, met up soon after. They had been in the process of trying to find Naruto, when he appeared in front of them.

"Alright, Naruto-kun! You're amazing!"

"Yeah! Awesome!"

"But... Kakashi said only two of us will pass... What's going to happen to Sakura when you give me that bell?"

"What? No way, Ino! He's gonna give ME the bell!"

Seeing the situation rapidly spiral out of control, Naruto swiftly gave each of them a bell.

"This is how one passes this test. Teamwork is the purpose. Now, let us return to the Monument."

Kakashi, on the lookout for the team's return, had resumed his previous position on the ground, with the broken sunglasses back on his face.

He waited a few minutes, with the kids just staring at him (Frankly, Ino and Sakura were used to this kind of thing), before getting back up.

"I see Naruto gave you two the bells? Then he explained the importance of teamwork? Teamwork is..."

Kakashi continued his practiced spiel on teamwork, all the while facing the monument.

Naruto was concerned, though. No one had ever recovered that quickly or easily from his Tsukiyomi before.

'It must be because he also has a Sharingan.'

"... We will begin taking missions tomorrow, as the new Team 7. Dismissed."

With that, Kakashi teleported away.

"I wonder why he never wants to look at us... So, uh, you want to go have lunch with me, Naruto-kun?"

"No way, Sakura! He'd rather have lunch with ME!"

"I must go train. Dattebayo. I will see you tomorrow."

Both girls sighed as Naruto teleported away.

'Hokage-sama said I could not train on the same people anymore... Therefore, I must find new people to train on.'

As Naruto walked through the woods, he came upon a different training grounds.

One with a team already at it.

'They will be as good as any, I suppose.'

As Naruto got closer, he recognized the Jounin leading the team training.

'Maito Gai, Taijutsu master. He shall be a good target.'

Naruto walked into the clearing, and Team Gai looked up.

"Oh, ho! Uzumaki Naruto! I understand that you have just been assigned to my Eternal Rival?"

Naruto was taken aback. Most people did not greet him so... boisterously. Actually, most people greeted him with trepidation, as befitting someone as powerful as him.

'Gai must be as strong as he is reputed to be.'

"Yes. And it is time for me to train."

'What the hell is he talking about?'

Neji vaguely remembered the name Uzumaki Naruto from his time at the academy. Most of the teachers refused to talk about him, other then that they were afraid of him.

'Bah... There's no way he could be as strong as meeEE-AHHHHH!'

Tenten didn't even have that vague recognition of Naruto from school. From the way Gai had greeted him, he must have been strong.

Then he attacked Neji, too swiftly for her to follow. So she promptly started to launch a counter attack.

'Hmm... The Hyuuga prodigy is not as strong as people say. One punch and a Tsukiyomi, and he is down. That girl, though, has good aim. She will be next.'

Before Naruto could attack Tenten, though, Lee appeared in his path... And accidentally took the Tsukiyomi meant for Tenten.

'Could this be Naruto's version of the Sharingan I hear so much about? The one that pulls people into the seal? I can't let him do that!'

Gai appeared behind Naruto, swiftly chopping at his neck.

Right before it hit, Naruto exploded.

'Bunshin Daibakuha? Where is he, then?'

Before Gai could check, Naruto appeared in front of him, and swiftly sucked him into the seal, too.

Tenten stood alone, with her teammate's bodies surrounding her.

"Uh... Am I allowed to give up?"

Immediately, Naruto stepped back.

"Of course. This is only training, after all. Perhaps I shall train with your team again, at a later date. Dattebayo."

Naruto shunshined away.

Tenten slumped to her knees.

Somehow, she knew that she narrowly avoided a terrible fate.

'This... This... This cannot be! This cannot be my fate!'

Neji stood within the seal, watching a vision of himself that a disembodied voice told him was his future.

"And if I cannot run 200 laps, I'll do 500 pushups! And if I cannot do 500 pushups, I shall climb the Hokage monument with one hand! I AM BURNING WITH THE FLAMES OF YOUTH!"

'There's no way I'd ever become like Lee! Oh God, but what if this is fate? One can't fight fate...'

"What to do with the two of you... What most people would find torturous, you two would love. Well... I think I have an idea, since you both love to train so much..."

The doctors at the Hospital were stumped at the way Lee and Gai would twitch uncontrollably whenever someone said the word 'Cat'.

Author's Notes: For those of you who didn't get the reference, Lee and Gai underwent the training for the Neko-ken, from Ranma ½. A terrible thing to do to a person, that.

Kakashi and Tenten have both discovered unique ways to avoid being 'Tsukiyomi'd'. Kakashi is doing his best to not look at Naruto, or if he has to, fake him out. Tenten merely gave up.

Won't the people over at the Kyuubi Support Group feel stupid when they hear about that?

Much thanks needs to go out to the good people over at TFF, whom without, the Kyuubi tortures would be much less funny. Several of the ideas (some for now, some I'm saving for later), come from them.