Chapter 6

I slept really well as I hadn't in a long time and it was Sofia who woke me up when the sun had already risen.

We got dressed and went to the kitchen to have breakfast, it was already very hot even though it was only the beginning of the day.

<<You didn't wake up last night, have your nightmares abandoned you?>> he asked putting a cup of milk in my hands;

<< Apparently remembering the past is therapeutic, after a long time I managed not to have nightmares of any kind >>.

Since the doctors informed me of the illness, I had no longer been able to sleep for more than five hours at a time.

At first I was even afraid to close my eyes because I feared that if I did, I would be transported into my subconscious which resembled Dante's Inferno.

<< Do you have any plans today? >> I asked Sofia;

<< I have to go to town to talk to Don Andrea but it won't take long >>;

Her behavior seemed quite strange to me because she knew that I couldn't live without her, if I had some urgent need like going to the bathroom, who would help me?

The doorbell rang loudly a couple of times, whoever it was must have been something very urgent given the insistence with which he persisted in letting us know of his presence at the door of our house.

<< Are we waiting for someone? >> I asked without receiving an answer.

My wife went to open the door but I couldn't hear the conversation, she closed the door gently and slowly walked back towards me.

<< Who was at the door? >> I asked once again I didn't get an answer.

<< Sofia, are you there? >> I insisted but nothing.

Maybe she had already left, probably Don Andrea had come to pick her up in Franco's place with his white point to take her to town.

I remained silent for a few seconds, trying to pick up even the most insignificant sound around me, however, it seemed, I was alone in the house.

<< My friend, how long has it been since we saw each other? >> suddenly began a voice that I knew all too well;

<< I can't believe it, you here? >> I asked amazed.

I would have recognized that deep tone even in a crowd of a million people, how long have I wanted to see it again.

<< In flesh and blood >> the man replied patting me on the shoulder;

<< I can't believe it, how did you manage to..? I didn't know anything about your arrival, Sofia didn't warn me otherwise I would have come to meet you >> I added with my voice breaking with emotion;

"I wanted to surprise you, silly. Yesterday Gerd called me, asking me if he could come and see you and since I had a commitment with Don Andrea I thought you would like to stay in his company until I returned >> Sofia explained to me;

<<If you don't mind>> added Gerd;

<<I'm really very happy about it>> I replied on the verge of bursting into tears.

I was over the moon, ever since I started traveling to the past I had wanted to see him one last time.

He had been one of the first to whom I had revealed that I was ill. After the death of my parents and the move to Giglio Campese we had never seen each other again, above all because I was ashamed of being seen blind and in a wheelchair.

I heard one of the chairs move on the floor, perhaps Gerd had just sat down and judging by the direction the sound was coming from, he was to my left.

<< How long has it been? >> he asked me;

<<I'm sorry that you have to see me in this pitiful state>>;

<< Don't worry about it, I'm sorry that you avoided me all this time, I wanted to come and see you much sooner >>;

<< I made a mistake but try to understand me, I have never fully accepted my illness, now I am blind and in a wheelchair, I am not self-sufficient even to go to the bathroom.

Dear me, you will understand the shame in showing me to a dear friend >>;

<< Don't worry, know that before coming here I was in Vienna where I went to visit my parents >> and so he told me how much my Vienna had modernized;

<< Of course you won't have had time to… >> I was about to say when he interrupted me instantly;

<< The answer is yes, I remembered the promise I made to you some time ago and when I went to the cemetery I placed some flowers on your parents' grave.

Now I live in Italy but it doesn't mean I can't honor the word given to a friend >> he retorted, taking my hands;

<<Thank you for everything>>.

We spent hours talking during which Gerd told me that he had married, had children but then separated.

<< I'm sorry, why? >>;

<< We were both too busy with work, unfortunately I wasn't as lucky as you. Sofia is a wonderful woman but above all she has always been faithful to you >> he replied;

"You're absolutely right about that."

I sensed a hint of envy in his voice and it made me smile. Who would ever be jealous of a blind man in a wheelchair? Gerd, it seemed.

Time passed so quickly that I didn't realize the hours that passed inexorably, when Sofia returned home it was late evening.

<<Did you have a nice day?>> he asked placing some envelopes on the table;

<<It was magnificent but I have to leave, my son's birthday is tomorrow and can't miss his party>> Gerd replied;

<< I was hoping you'd stop for dinner >> said Sofia;

<< I'm sorry but I can't, there is a boat about to leave from the marina with which I will return to the continent so I have to escape. It was a real pleasure to see you again, my friend >> said Gerd, hugging me.

I didn't answer but some tears of nostalgia came out of my eyes, I would have liked to tell him many other things and remember the past together but, once again, time slipped from my grasp.

Gerd represented the healthy, strong, still healthy me holding the sick, weak, fragile me.

<< Goodbye my friend >> I managed to say to him.

I stretched out my hand towards him to feel it one last time and when he grabbed it I realized that we would most likely never see each other again.

Sofia accompanied him to the door then came back to me, despite the final farewell it had been a wonderful day during which I felt alive once again.

For a few hours, fate had granted me the illusion of forgetting about the illness and how my body had turned into a death trap.

I was allowed to drink again from the cup of freedom which had not felt the flesh of my lips for too long.

<< You seem sad, did the day with Gerd go badly? >> asked Sofia.

I could lie to anyone but not to her, she understood me instantly, even though she couldn't see my eyes now she could still sense my state of mind.

We were somehow connected by an invisible thread that transmitted thoughts and moods from one to the other.

<<The day was too beautiful, Gerd's visit went well>> I replied without lying;

<<So what's wrong? I was hoping to give you a nice surprise>>;

<< It was but seeing it again I remembered how strong I once was and now look at me >> I made a gesture with my hands instigating her to look me up and down;

<< Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In my opinion you're not that bad >>;

<< Don't make fun of me, please >>;

<< It's not my intention to do this, I love sitting on your lap and cuddling on the terrace knowing that you will have to put up with me every single evening.

If you were healthy you would go left and right, we would still be in the blender of our Viennese life while now we can appreciate every single second of our life to the fullest.

We slowed down and honestly I don't mind at all.

Sooner or later we all have to die so it's better to enjoy life, I willingly leave the stress of work to others >> my wife retorted.

I was taken aback by that response, evidently the meeting with Don Andrea had gone very well because in his tone of voice I perceived a serenity that had been absent in the past.

<< Gerd told me that he went to visit my parents at the cemetery >> I revealed to her;

<< Oh I understand >> Sofia replied.

He knew how much that topic made me suffer and the fire in my childhood home had reopened the wound in me.

We didn't talk about it for the rest of the evening and after spending time on the terrace we went to sleep but I couldn't sleep.

I tossed and turned in bed but there was nothing to do, that night Morpheus had abandoned me so I sat down on the bed, put my head on the wall, took a deep breath and dove back into the past. I was much more comfortable in the memories than in the present.

My consciousness became liquid and, breaking the surface of the temporal pond, I found myself under the street lamp of the " Wiener Stadtpark " hugged Sofia.

After spending the night there we returned home and in the following days I decided to prepare a speech to give to my parents in which I announced my illness to them, in the meantime Sofia scoured the planet looking for a new accommodation.

We had agreed that it was essential to leave Vienna, the city was fantastic but it was no longer suitable for our new needs.

The writing of the speech proceeded slowly, the weeks passed quickly and finally summer arrived with its suffocating heat.

One day Sofia broke through and decided to confront me, we were sitting in the kitchen of our house in Vienna and, seeing me having difficulty writing the speech, she took the papers from under my nose and threw them on the floor.

<< Enough now, either you tell him or I will. I'm sorry but I can't live a lie anymore so you'll have to make up your mind>> he told me.

That attitude caught me off guard, I didn't expect such behavior from him but instead he had pulled out his claws and backed me into a corner.

<<You're right but I can't, don't have the strength>> I replied putting my hands in my hair;

<<But you certainly have it, are a strong and courageous man. The way dealing with your illness is exemplary, I know few people who would behave like but now to take step forward>>;

<<Okay, this evening we will go to dinner with them and I make the big announcement>>.

I had no intention of disappointing her but in that moment I became aware of how difficult it was to carry the burden of my illness.

Not saying it was my way of denying the existence of the disease and sometimes I told myself that it wasn't true, I was in a nightmare and when I woke up I would discover that I was fine and back to full strength.

I was making fun of myself and Sofia but she didn't deserve it so it was time to face reality.

I went to the bathroom to rinse my face and looking in the mirror I saw a young man with green eyes and a pointy nose intent on staring at the reflection of what was and would no longer be.

Soon I would wither like a plant before breathing out its last breaths of life.

<<Why me? What did I do wrong?>> I repeated to myself desperately.

At that moment the phone rang but I was too lost in myself to answer it so it was Sofia's turn to take the call.

"Okay, I understand. Thank you very much agent, we'll be right there >> I heard her say.

When I came out of the bathroom I found her sitting in the kitchen with her face in her hands and crying profusely, she was in the grip of an unprecedented panic attack.

<< Are you okay? What happened? >> I asked her.

At first she didn't answer, making me worry, the phone call had shocked her but I couldn't think of what could reduce such a strong woman to that state.

<< My love, speak to me please. Who was on the phone? >> I asked her insistently.

Sofia slowly took her hands off her face filled with tears, looked at me with her beautiful eyes transfigured by pain and signaled me to sit down.

I obeyed without a word, I didn't have the courage to contradict his order in such a delicate moment and yet I had a strange feeling, a bad omen was about to fall on me with all the violence that fate was capable of.

<< It was the police on the phone, they told me... >> she started to say but couldn't complete the sentence, she was so shocked that she burst into tears again;

<< My love, be strong and tell me what happened, please >> I replied with the most candid and calm voice I was capable of.

I took her face in my hands, kissed her on the lips then held her close to console her, I never would have imagined what was about to happen.

Sofia calmed down and began to breathe slowly, she regained control of herself and moved away from my chest and then looked me straight in the eyes.

<< It was the police on the phone, they called to tell us that your parents died this morning in a car accident. A hit-and-run driver did not stop at a stop sign and the two cars collided. They died instantly >>.

When he finished speaking I remained silent, my mouth went dry, my lips seemed glued together and I remember that my head started to hurt as if someone had given me a violent hammer on the skull.

At first I didn't say anything because I hadn't yet digested the news but soon this awareness reached my conscience and then there were pains.

My first reaction was to slap myself because I was probably dreaming, not even in the worst of nightmares had I experienced something similar.

Whoever was the architect of my fate must have changed his mind about me, perhaps I had done him some wrong for which he was now asking me to account.

First he had given me the most beautiful joy of my life by giving me Sofia, then, once he had led me to the Garden of Eden, he had decided to throw me into the underworld of despair.

<< It can't be, there's definitely a mistake >> I replied as the first tears started to come out of my eyes;

<< Unfortunately it's them, they identified them from the fingerprints and documents found at the crash site. We have to go to the morgue for confirmation even if it's just a formality >> said Sofia.

I remained still for a while, I couldn't say for sure how long but at least a couple of hours passed before I came back to reality.

Sofia got up and went to lie down on the sofa, leaving me sitting at the table alone as if I were a statue, the blow had been terrible for her too.

As the minutes passed I began to internalize the news and the more I did so the more I felt like I was dying inside, I was short of air and could barely breathe.

I was suffocating and yet I didn't have the courage to move even a muscle, I was paralyzed by pain and fear.

What else was supposed to happen to me? When I received the news of the illness the world fell on me, however I thought it couldn't get any worse, I was sure I had hit rock bottom but I was very wrong.

I remained motionless staring at the white wall of the house as if it were a canvas on which to paint something but I didn't know what.

Finally Sofia came back to me, she was clutching the jackets in her hands and I knew exactly what she was about to ask me but how could she do it? I wasn't ready for that, I never would be.

<<Now we have to go the morgue, sooner do it remove this tooth>> he said stroking my hair.

I wanted to say no, I wanted to beg her to spare me that pain but instead I didn't have the strength so I obeyed like a faithful little dog does.

I got up from the table and without any human emotion, I put on my jacket and then we left and reached the morgue on foot.

I followed her, remaining silent for the entire journey, there was no more life inside me and the few grains left after the news of the illness had been swept away by the hurricane of destiny.

My Thuja had withered forever.

When we arrived at the morgue we were greeted by a very tall and thin young man, a young boy in his twenties with blond crew cut hair and blue eyes protected by a pair of glasses with thick black frames.

<< Good morning gentlemen, are you here to…? >> he asked;

<<We have to identify two corpses>> Sofia replied sobbing;

<< Very good, this way. I'll lead the way >>.

We were escorted into the room where the dead were kept and when we arrived we saw them, lying in the center of the room on the central steel table, covered with a white sheet.

It seemed that they wanted to exchange one last kiss even though their heads were covered with a white cloth that prevented them from seeing and speaking to each other.

That scene was decidedly disturbing, it spoke of death and the impossibility of communicating, it aroused in me a violent restlessness that cloaked my heart in a shadow of anguish.

The young man discovered the sheets and at that point there was no longer any doubt, it was them and they were still wearing the clothes from the accident.

My father wore his suit with a dark jacket, white shirt and tie, simple and tidy, which was not striking to the eye.

Hidden behind their shrouds, my parents exchanged a silent love incapable of any language other than that of the body, lying on the table they expressed a strong passion despite the lack of dialogue.

Deprived of sight and touch, of sensitive experience, they were no longer granted the divine privilege of knowing themselves.

I looked into Sofia's eyes, is this how we would end up too? Would we have stopped recognizing each other? A horrendous fate awaited me, that was undoubtedly a warning.

Sofia could not bear the impact of this vision and had to leave the room, however I suffered a much worse fate, being their only child I had to face the via crucis of bureaucracy.

The boy kept me for a good half hour in his office where he made me fill out a bunch of paperwork.

<<We're done, now you can go>> he finally told me, dismissing me.

He had such a detached and impersonal attitude that it gave me chills, now that I think about it it is not normal for a person to be so cold in the face of death.

When we returned home we sat on the sofa, next to each other in religious silence, where we remained contemplating the absolute emptiness.

The evening arrived quickly and with it the phone calls from the few relatives who, having heard the news, wanted to express their condolences and find out when the funeral would take place, which took place two days later.

My parents were buried in the Hietzing Cemetery in Vienna where they still rest in peace. After the funeral, for a long time I didn't have the courage to go and visit them.

I felt terribly guilty for not telling him about my illness, there were so many things I would have liked to tell him and do together but instead all my dreams had disappeared with the accident.

The shame I felt for my cowardice was so severe that it drove me as far away from the cemetery as possible, something I bitterly regret today.

To make things even worse came the news that we couldn't have children, probably due to my genetic disease which had made me sterile.

It was a really hard double blow, too difficult for anyone to bear, in fact soon the dark companion that lived in my body began to become more cumbersome.

I was so stressed that I often blacked out both at home and at work, those situations became more and more frequent and at their peak I fainted more than once a day.

The pain of my parents' death and the shame of not being able to conceive children to give to Sofia were killing me.

I couldn't go on like that and the checks I carried out in hospital showed a rapid progression of the disease.

<< You are too stressed, Mr. Wolfgang. If she doesn't take immediate action she won't live much longer, at this rate she only has a few months left to live>> the doctor told me after reading the test report.

When I got home I told Sofia everything, I couldn't keep that secret inside too otherwise I would have died instantly.

I remember that evening as the most traumatic of our marriage, it was one of the rare times we argued seriously.

We had finished dinner when I decided to talk to her, she was sitting on the sofa watching television and suddenly I stood before her eyes.

<< I have decided to leave you >> I announced;

<<Are you by any chance crazy? The illness is making delirious>>;

<<Not at all, tomorrow morning we will start the divorce proceedings>>;

<< May I know why you would like to do this? >>;

<< You can't stay married to a walking dead man who can't even give you children, you're wasting your life and I won't let you. You deserve better>> I added, looking her straight in the eyes;

<<What makes you think that things are as say, dumbass? If I'm still married to it's because I want be your wife!>>;

<< You can't do something like that to yourself, do you understand? You are a wonderful woman, you are just wasting time with me, you have a life ahead of you and I don't want you to throw it away with a sterile dying man >> I replied, raising my voice;

<< I decide who to spend my life with and that's you so get over it, idiot! >> she shouted furiously, getting up from the sofa, locking herself in our bedroom.

I couldn't continue that discussion, on the one hand I was happy to hear her say those words on the other I didn't know what to do.

In the end I decided to go and apologize for my wicked behavior, once I came to my senses I realized I had screwed up badly.

I knocked on the bedroom door and when she let me in I found her in tears so I sat next to her and hugged her.

<< I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have >>;

<< Do you think it's easy for me? It's not but I still have to move forward, we have to do it for the good of both of us >> he replied with his eyes full of tears;

<<You're right, we need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves. The time has come start facing reality>>;

<<What do you mean?>>;

<< You were right from the beginning, we have to leave Vienna. This place is no longer for us so you choose the place where you would like to live and I will follow you everywhere, even to the ends of the world >>;

<<Are you really saying this?>>;

<< I'm more serious than ever, until now I haven't wanted to leave Vienna because it reminded me of a happy part of my childhood but the time has come to cut the umbilical cord with the past >>.

I don't think he expected such a reaction from me, after all, until then I had limited myself to feeling sorry for myself but that evening something had triggered inside me, it was as if the fight with Sofia had opened my eyes.

I had to stop complaining about what I didn't have, on the contrary I had to start appreciating what life had given me, it was time to behave like an adult.

<< If you are really determined to do it, know that my father has just finished building a magnificent house in Giglio Campese on the Giglio Island, in Tuscany.

I was thinking of going to live there for a while and, if we get on well, we could stay there and we would be in Tuscany, a wonderful region >> Sofia proposed;

<< That's fine with me, let's start packing >> I replied, opening the wardrobe from which I took out some black suitcases.

The following days were quite hectic, we both resigned from the museum and I opened my parents' will where I was designated sole heir.

I decided to transform their house into a free museum open to all so as to make my mother's dream come true: to see her works exhibited to the public.

We packed our bags and put the house in Vienna up for sale which we managed to sell easily, it was located in one of the best neighborhoods of the city so we quickly found a buyer. We earned a decent sum thanks to which, together with our savings, we could have peacefully retired to private life.

Before leaving I called Gerd to tell him about my illness, I hadn't told him yet and when he came to my parents' funeral we had barely spoken.

He was devastated by the news however he was happy at the idea of our move to Tuscany, after all we would be closer to him.

This also made Sofia's parents happy, who had long wanted to have their daughter closer to home, hence her father's offer to make the house in Giglio Campese available to us.

Once the last things were sorted out in Vienna, the day of departure arrived so the evening before I took the plunge and went to visit my parents at the cemetery.

Sofia wanted to come with me however I rejected her offer, it was time to face my demons so I asked her not to follow me because I needed to be alone with my parents one last time.

Arriving at the cemetery I reached their marble tomb on which I placed a beautiful bouquet of hyacinths and then stood in silence contemplating their names engraved in the marble.

With the bundle of destiny in my hands, I was intent on leaving shortly thereafter on my way but not before paying a final homage to the person who had become light in my memory.

Dressed in black, I looked at a tombstone in front of me with a lowered gaze, where my missing loved ones were buried.

I was just passing through that place where sooner or later I would have to return as permanent residents, however that moment had not yet come.

<< How many things I would have liked to do with you but above all I have to tell you one, up until now I haven't had the courage to do it and I will regret it for the rest of my life.

I'm sick and I won't be able to get better, I can only keep the illness under control but sooner or later it will come to claim me and I won't be able to do anything to prevent it.

Now you know, therefore I ask you for forgiveness both for not having revealed it to you when you were still with me and for not having come to visit you sooner. I miss you so much, you don't know how much, without you I feel lost in the stormy sea of life >> I thought, placing my hand on the tombstone.

I knelt down to better arrange the flowers and I couldn't stop myself from bursting into tears, I crouched my head on the tombstone and some tears wet the cold stone.

I couldn't believe I had lost them and yet it had happened, I had to get over it but how unfair life was, it could be truly cruel.

I would have to live with that awareness, only in this way could I appreciate the beauty of life, its extraordinary nature that escapes man until the day he dies.

Only then do we realize that we have had a fortune far greater than any lottery, life is the greatest gift that God can give to man who becomes part of a constant process of creative destruction from which nothing escapes, for to live you must die and to die you must live.

I had these words engraved on the marble:

"Death is the bend in the road,

to die is just not to be seen.

If I listen, I hear your footsteps

exist as I exist.

The earth is made of sky.

Lies have no nest.

No one has ever gotten lost.

Everything is truth and passage"

I remained still for an indefinite time, after which I dried my face with a handkerchief, kissed them goodbye and went home.

During the journey I walked through the city park which I wanted to see one last time before hugging Sofia again.

<< Here you are finally, I was starting to worry >> he told me as he saw me come back;

<< You know what? I was right to go. I took a big weight off my shoulders, maybe I should have done it a long time ago >>.

The following day we took our bags, closing the door of the apartment behind us, the next day the new owners would arrive to take possession.

We went to the train station from where we left towards Florence and once we arrived in the Tuscan capital we reached Giglio Island where we still live.

The present suddenly returned to my mind, when I returned to reality I was still sitting on the bed with my head leaning against the wall and my face covered in tears.