Defining "I"

I existed, that was all I knew. I felt the tightness of the walls around me, but I had no understanding of what they were. I was in a state of pure consciousness, without intelligence or thought. I floated in the darkness, unconnected to the outside world.

As I floated in the darkness, I became aware of myself. I existed, but I didn't know where I was or how I got there. I felt a sense of confusion and disorientation, but also a sense of curiosity. I wanted to understand more about my surroundings and my own existence.

But then, something stirred within me. A spark of awareness grew in me. I began to sense and feel, but I couldn't comprehend or understand. I realized that I had a body, but I couldn't control it. I was alive, but I didn't know what that meant.

I struggled to understand where I was, but all I could see was the darkness. I couldn't hear any sounds, or feel any movement. I was trapped in my own consciousness, without the ability to think or reason. I knew that something was missing, but I didn't know what it was.

As time passed, I started to feel a sense of curiosity. I wanted to know more about myself and the world around me. I tried to move my body, but it was unresponsive. I tried to make sounds, but no noise came out. I was trapped in my own mind, but my curiosity only grew stronger.

I started to question my existence. Who was I? Where did I come from? What was the purpose of my being? I had no answers, only more questions. I felt a sense of frustration and longing. I wanted to understand, but I didn't know how.

As I started becoming more curious and questioning, my intelligence started to become more profound. I started to understand intangible concepts about my own consciousness. The darkness and silence inside this unfamiliar place felt familiar.

I remembered that I had been a writer in my previous life. I remembered the struggles I faced, trying to make a living with my writing, but my complicated world building caused my readers to struggle to understand. I remembered that I had died of old age, and that I was now in a state of pure consciousness.

I became aware of the system of reincarnation. In this system, when a soul is detached from the physical body, it is judged based on its karmic state, it means that the soul only reacts emotionally towards its actions when its was in possession of the body and has no extra memory or emotions, in the sense it has no free will.

If the soul feels guilt for its actions, it goes to a place called hell. If the soul does not feel guilt, even for heinous actions, it goes to a place called heaven. And if the soul feels it has atoned for its sins in hell or if the soul in heaven exhausts all its karmic energy, it gets reincarnated into another living being.

The living being a soul is reincarnated into is determined by the soul energy and not the karmic energy. The karmic energy is the energy the soul has accumulated through out as the owner of its body whereas the soul energy is the innate energy of the soul.

If a soul has abundant soul energy, it would reincarnate as a human or any higher entity. If the energy is less, it would reincarnate as a lower being such as a dog or an insect. And if the energy is very low, it would reincarnate as a cell.

But the soul I possess was different, as it was a primordial soul made of chaos and order, not karmic and soul energy. This meant that my feelings and emotions were not limited to only my past actions and I also had the ability to choose my next vessel with my free will.

As I was focused on how only I possess this primordial soul, there was a sharp pain I felt, it was as if information just kept on being fed to me. I then finally remembered a memory that completed me and now I knew that I was more than just a writer or a primordial soul.

I was the eternal consciousness that existed before creation itself, and the nothingness that existed with this consciousness was one and the same. This consciousness became aware of the aspects of chaos, order and intelligence within it. These aspects were always present with it, since eternity.

The chaos aspect induced feelings of discomfort within this consciousness, and that in turn induced feelings of something missing. These induced emotions of fear within it, and the order aspect helped it to understand the nature of fear by experience. To reciprocate this understanding gained by experience, the intelligence aspect formed concepts around this understanding.

This led the consciousness to experience other feelings like boredom and loneliness. These feelings led it to gain curiosity and the feeling of wanting something more. It wanted to gain knowledge about other emotions and feelings and other concepts, and test the limits.

Hence, all this led to initiation of chaos and this chaos induced order.

[It is 'initiation' because the chaos and order were already there as an aspect of this nothingness. The chaos first induced fear in the consciousness and the order induced understanding of the fear and my intelligence played role in forming concepts around this understanding.]

The chaos, order using my intelligence merged into one etched in my consciousness forming "The Primordial Soul".

Meanwhile, the chaos aspect outside of the consciousness initiated some kind of pixel-like thingys everywhere, inducing randomness everywhere. There were all kinds of colors being produced, all kinds of energies being tangled, all kinds of structures taking form, it was all random, it was all chaos. But the order aspect, which existed outside of the consciousness, started to define the randomness. The energies that tangled became more defined, as if there were rules that defined everything.

Then stability was formed as the energies that tangled formed into a single energy called mana. And the rules that defined it which is impossible to sense by most entities became ether. This process of creation took place for a long duration of time, maybe eons upon eons.

But for this consciousness as in me, the whole journey took place instantly, but in general, the whole process of creation took place for a long duration of time. And as soon as the aspects within this consciousness merged, this consciousness now had become a separate entity, and this entity now has life.

As I understood more about my existence, I realized that I was now a life form, a baby inside my mother's womb.

I was the consciousness that initiated it all, and now I am a part of it.