Pretty Boys and Panic

I know I'm awake. I can hear chattering around me and there's light behind my eyelids, but I can't seem to muster the energy to open them. I lay there and listen to the steady beep of a machine, I quickly realize I'm in a hospital. The only time I had been to one before was when... I cut off my train of thought, I didn't want to freak out in a hospital bed.

I concentrate for a moment and force my eyes open. The light made my eyes hurt and I squinted, waiting for them to adjust. I cough a little and feel a horrible burning in my throat.

"Hey, sleepyhead," A nurse with curly brown hair says with a kind smile, "I'm Nurse Hardy but you can call me Sandy," she says. She seemed nice. I nod a little.

"What happened?" I ask, instantly regretting talking as the burning in my throat gets worse.

"Drink this water honey, you were yelling in your sleep," She explains. I take the cup and gulp down some of the water gratefully. It soothes my throat a little and I say a quiet thank you, "Do you remember what happened yesterday?" She asks.

"I was in a big fight, boy stabbed me and I passed out," I say, flipping through fuzzy memories of the night before.

"Yes, a police officer found you and brought you here," She says, filling in the gaps. I nod, remembering a little more.

"Yes, Liam," I say, she nods.

"He wanted to wait in here but without consent, we can't let anyone who isn't family into your room outside visiting hours," she explains.

"Can he come in now?" I ask, I don't know why but I wanted to see him. She nods and leaves the room. A minute later Liam walks in, smiling worriedly.

"Hey kid, how you feeling?" He asks.

"Okay," I mutter, sitting up a little, wincing at the stinging feeling in my side. He rushes over and helps me, shifting my pillows a little until I was comfortable, "Thank you,"

"No problem," he smiles and ruffles my hair, I'm surprised he would actually touch my hair, to be honest, I rarely washed it at my mom's and it was physically impossible for me to shower for a year so I knew I was a mess.

"What time?" I ask, I knew there was a clock in here but I couldn't read them.

"Three o'clock,"

"I've been sleeping for a while?" He nods, "Sorry if I was trouble," I mutter, he gives me a worried look and sits down.

"No, you weren't any trouble, you got stabbed Livia, I couldn't just leave you there," He explains, placing a hand on my arm.

"Yes but... should have seen it coming. It was cheap move," I mutter, a little annoyed at myself.

"No one blames you, and we are looking for those kids," He says, "By the way, do you know any of their names?" He asks.

"Was Jason Reed, then Zach, don't know his last name, I'm sorry, and don't know girl's name," He nods and writes what I assume is the names on a notebook.

"Okay, the nurse needs to run some tests and I need to find these kids but my son is in the waiting room if you want he can come in here and stay with you," He says, tilting his head. I nod a little, it would be nice to have someone around my age around.

Liam leaves the room and a few minutes later there is a knock at the door.

"You can come in," I yell as loud I can, which isn't very loud at all. The person seems to hear me though because the door cracks open and they step inside.

He was a tall, lean boy with brown hair that just brushes his ears and pretty grey eyes.

Very pretty.

"Hi! I'm Aidan," He says, smiling brightly.

"Hey," I say, coughing a little, and then a lot.

"Oh crap," he says, rushing to my side and rubbing my back as I lean forward.

"I-I'm gonna-" I throw my head over the side of the bed and throw up into a bin that was magically there. I finally sit up and he smiles softly, "Sorry," I mutter.

"It's fine, you looked a little green so I picked up the bin just in case," he says.

"T-thank you," I say, looking away.

"My dad didn't tell me much about you, wanna catch me up?" he asks. I shuffle awkwardly, wincing a little at the stretch on my cut, but then I nod.

"My name's Livia," I say, looking back up at him, "I got in fight, I got stabbed," I say, quickly.

"Wow, that was quick," he says, "Why were you in a fight. I mean, if you want to tell me, you don't have to," he says.

"no it's okay," I say, taking a deep breath, I probably wasn't going to know this guy for long, I don't really care if I spill my guts to him, "Stuff was bad when I was little. My mom is mean and tried to sell me, kicked me out of my house, been homeless for year. A boy in the building doesn't like me, he tried to hit me but I got him first, but a friend used a distraction to stab me, he is coward," I say, still mad that Zach didn't give me a fair fight.

"Oh my God," he says, huffing, "I'm... so sorry,"

"Don't, I'll panic like with mom and don't want you to think I'm too crazy," I say, laughing dryly, "But, this hasn't gone well. I'm not good about talking to people, you probably can tell, but know I'm not supposed to say all about my personal stuff, Tessa told that to me," I say. He stands awkwardly for a moment, mouth hanging open. I sigh, "Sorry, not good at this," I say, my eyes involuntarily fill with tears and I quickly wipe them away, "Much easier to be mad than sad,"

"Hey, no, it's fine. I'm just a little shocked is all, you can deal with your baggage any way you want," he says, but he sounds far away.

Panic seeps into my system and I try my absolute hardest to push it away, I don't like doing this in front of others, but it bubbles up quickly. I basically fold myself in half, pressing my forehead into the sheets, ignoring the pain in my side. My breathing gets faster, my heart pounds uncontrollably. I know for a fact that I'm freaking out and I need to calm down but I can't help it.

"Livia?" I hear a worried voice but I can't focus on it. Thoughts rush through my head, not staying long enough for me to rationalize. I claw at my stomach, scratching deep, trying to distract myself but I just feel numb.

"Livia, oh my God," I hear him again but can't hold onto his voice, it drifts in and out.

I try so hard to focus, on any noise, but all I hear is blood rushing to my ears.

"Sweetheart, Livia, I need you to listen to me," I hear a new voice, the nurse from earlier.

"Can't... Breathe," I say, between big gasps.

"I know honey, I just need you to lay back for me," her voice says. I feel a hand guide me back, before feeling pressure on my chest. It helps, I focus on the feeling, the pressure, "Good girl, now take a deep breath in," she says.

"Can't," I choke out, my throat closes every time I try.

"I know, but I need to keep trying, keep focusing, okay?" I do as she says, focusing for a moment on calming down, just a little until I can feel my throat stop closing. I breathe in, taking a gulp of air before breathing out again, "yea, good. Now breathe in time with me okay?" I nod a little. She coaches me through breathing for what feels like a few minutes but is probably more like half an hour.

"I am sorry," I say. She shakes her head and wipes a tear off my face.

"No need honey, it's not your fault," she says, "It was a panic attack, no one is going to blame you," So it has a name, "how is your stomach, did you catch your stitches?" she asks. I pull my shirt up a little, shuddering at the dried blood peeling off.

"Didn't get the stitches, but got blood," I say, looking at my nails and grimacing.

"Hey, it's okay, we'll get you cleaned up and then you can either have dinner in here or we can try and get you walking and you can have dinner in the cafeteria, but I don't want you to feel like you have to okay?" I nod, she gets up and grabs a few things, and sits back down, pressing a wet cloth to my cuts, I wince a little and she gives me a sad smile.

"Once I'm done do you want your friend to come back in here?" she asks. My eyes widen when I remember Aidan, "Hey, it's okay, if you don't want him in here it's fine,"

"No, I do, he is very nice. I'm just... I think I have scared him" I say.

"Hey, I'm sure whatever you said, he'll be okay," she says, I nod slightly.

She keeps cleaning my stomach until it's as clean as she can get it without hurting me before going to get me a clean shirt. She leaves as I put it on and comes back in with Aidan in tow.

"Hi," he says, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Hello," I say, looking at the floor, I hear nurse Sandy leave, "I am really sorry," I mutter.

"Hey, no, I didn't mean to upset you," he says, I look back up at him, my eyes widening. Does he think it's his fault?

"No, I upset myself, you did nothing bad,"

"The nurse wanted me to ask you where you wanted to eat today," he says, sitting down on the edge of my bed. He was changing the subject, thank god, I sigh a little in relief.

"Want to go out," I say, I'm not particularly hungry but I wasn't going to feel better cooped up in here.

"Okay, want me to help you to walk?" he asks. I nod and put my legs over the side of the bed, wincing at the slight pull on my side.

He holds his hand out and I take it, shuffling further to the edge. I put more pressure on his hand before jumping off. There is an awful pain in my side and I yell out, my knees buckling. Instantly there are arms around me, holding me up.

"Crap, you okay?" he asks, one of his hands on my back and the other hooked under my arm and resting on my head. I wait for a second, letting the pain fade before nodding into his chest. He pulls away a little, still taking a lot of the pressure off but now I could actually move. I take a little step forward, wincing slightly before taking a deep breath and going on. Aidan smiles and helps me get out out of the door, "See, it's all going to be okay," he says, letting me go a little more, so I was just clutching his hands.

"Yes," I mutter, "all okay,"

But I knew. I knew it wouldn't be okay, because once this was over, I'd be back where I was. I'd always end up with nothing.