※ Chapter 21 ※

⚠ TW: Violence, Torture ⚠

Yifan's POV »☆●

I pause in front the doorframe and silently stand for a moment to embrace the warm, tender feeling that fills my heart at the sight of the woman I'm surviving for.

Mom.

My lips automatically curve into a smile.

Every bit of humanity left in me, every fucking bit of Antares that still lives inside of me is because of her. Whenever I see her, I feel human again. I wanna rest my head on her lap and never get up. But I know I can't. I can't risk hurting her.

The life I live now fucks me up. These intrusive thoughts, these fucking unpleasant and involuntary feeling invades my mind again and again. Every fucking day I feel like I'm getting buried and waking up as a fucking folkloric monster with no chance to be a human once again. I can't even save me and my close ones from myself. I'm under my own fucking wicked scheme.

I roam the streets at night, wrapping myself up in my soiled heavy clothes, shaking from hunger. I try to pray for salvation, but I can't have faith in any fucking belief or enter any temple. I promise mom I'll do whatever it takes not to hurt anyone, but when I see a little child jumping out of a carriage into the arms of its mother, a fit soldier walking out of the camp, a woman in her thirties yawning in her window, I see red.

I see blood.

Pictures go in flashes in my head: torn skin, nails driven into the flesh, blood splashing on the ceiling, my face buried into the oozing, squishy depths smelling with slaughterhouse..fucked up thoughts invade my head, they're so fucking intense they even make me shake.

I can run faster than the wind, jump on the walls, climb the rooftops, soar like a ghost, but no matter how fucking fast I run, I can't escape myself, or these moving pictures in my head.

Finally, her eyes dart towards me and they brighten up, "My sweet boy.." she mutters slowly, not before she starts to cough. I walk toward her and sit on the corner of her bed.

"Did you sleep well?" I lightly cup her face and wonder how lucky am I to have her. I changed completely but her love didn't. I notice her eyes glistening with tears. She nods and reaches out to touch my hand and slightly shivers in its coldness. She still keeps forgetting how cold I am. A drop of tear leaks down the corner of her eyes.

She blames herself for my condition. I tell her everyday it's not her fault and try to convince her it's not that bad. It really isn't all bad because I'm more than capable enough to protect my mom and live with her forever. That's enough for me to live.

"I'm sorry I couldn't meet you last night," I wipe the teardrop from her cheek with my thumb, "I sent dinner, did you have it?"

She nods, unable to say anything. She holds my hand firmly, "Must you go there, son?"

I know what she's talking about. It's bugging her as much as it bugs me to think about that fucking realm..

Mingluan.

The place that ruined my life for eternity.

I put my hand over hers and nod, "I'm only doing my job. I'll be back in no time. I promise."

Her lips twitch, so does the muscle around her eyes, "Those things.. they're dangerous!" Her hold tightens around my hand, "I don't wanna lose you, my sweet boy."

"No one can take me away from you," I kiss her forehead, "Rest."

I walk out of the room, heading directly towards my house. I live in a separate house so that I don't end up hurting anyone close to me. Gaius gave me the house himself. The bedroom has a locking system which only Tao and I have access to. If things get too bad, he'd lock me inside. The front room has a large bay window, offering a vivid view of the sunset.

Every sunset is an opportunity for me to reset. It's my escape from what I should be scared of, because even if a single ray of sun reaches under my skin protection, it'll hurt me like hell. But do I hate the sun? No. Do I hate the sunset? Now, that could be a discussion.

It's not fear that bothers me. What bothers me is the emptiness. I won't feel my heart racing when I jump off a cliff. The lack of that heartbeat though, that will fuck me up. Rather than being distracted by the heart racing, I get distracted by its fucking absence.

These feelings are so fucking foreign to me, I can't relate to the Antares I knew all my life, at all.

Except that Antares and I, we both are oddly intrigued by a human girl. A damn lost princess.

I'd think after all these drastic changes in my life, she'd be the last of my concerns, won't even remember her existence. And yet, I still remember her scent, too strong to resist. It was calling me, fucking compelling me. That time, I didn't have any reason for what I did. I just followed my instincts. The instinct was too powerful. Deep. Intense. Strong enough to make me wanna do anything like I'm fucking hypnotized. I could feel it in my bones as something shifted somewhere inside me. I wanted to protect her, to keep her safe. Somehow, that desire still lives in me. So till the date, I'm searching for her.

Damn her.

Three months. Thirteen weeks. Ninety-one days.

It has been this long. I searched for her everywhere I can but there was no clue, not even a single fucking whisper about her. It hurts like hells to think she's already dead. I know it's almost confirmed, I know that's logically the most realistic, but I can't be fucking logical. My mind can't register it. I'm not gonna believe it. I'm not gonna give up trying to figure out, not so soon. Everytime I think she might be dead, everytime this thought crosses my mind, a strange ache intensifies in my chest.

And worst part is, I don't have a fucking clue why. Why does it hurt so fucking bad? Why do I care so much? Why am I searching for her like a maniac? Have I lost my fucking mind? Does she have something to do with it?

I need to find her, if only to get these answers, and to get rid of this fucking pain.

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"Yifan!"

I don't respond. I heard her voice, but her words didn't register in my mind. I'm really not aware of anything besides my own inner turmoil. My eyes are fixated on the parchment scroll sent by a soldier who, like me, was transformed during the attack. Xiao Zhan.

"We need you. There is shocking news. Arrive urgently!"

The latest thing I know about Mingluan is that the King-regent has ascended to the throne. What this shocking news could be about? Did Gaius come in some terms with the new monarchy?

"Yifan!"

Annoyed, I take a deep breath and turn my head to Sulli, just to confirm I heard her. She's standing at the door, crossing her arms and frowning at me.

After one gaze, I ignore her and turn my head back, staring at the sky through my bay window to see the orange glow on the horizon, which signals the end of the day. It's one of those sunsets that are so fucking beautiful that I think it might be my very last one.

"Are you okay?" Her concerned voice makes me snap out of my thoughts. I shrug, not bothering to reply because I'm not okay. I've never been. And that's a story I keep only to myself.

"Anyways, I've already packed your weapons and all the necessities. You're going," my back still on her, I sense her footsteps coming closer. It doesn't surprise me that she knows. Since the last couple of days, she's been seeing me going back to a place I've been avoiding.

"It's time," she sighs with relief in her voice, "She needs you."

She?

My head snaps towards her and I glare at her, she only fucking grins in response.

"There's no she, Sulli. It's them. My soldiers sent letter," I toss the scroll to her.

She catches it and takes a careless look at the parchment, "Everything happens for a reason. I believe there's a solid reason here as well, maybe your search will end in Mingluan."

Alarm shots through me. She clearly knows something that I don't.

"What search? What have you seen, Sulli?" I ask with a cold stare that makes her aware I'm damn serious. But the more questions she answers, the more confused I become.

She shifts from one foot to another a few times. With one last hesitant breath, she finally says..

"You're going to meet someone special."

I frown, searching her eyes for clarification, "Special? What kind of special? You know I don't have a-"

Before I can finish, she grins and walks away, leaving a hundred fucking questions unanswered behind her. I let out a frustrated groan and punch the wall in front of me.

Whatever she meant, one thing for sure is that I don't wanna get involved with any she's in my life in any special way, and I ain't gonna change my mind. Everyone around me knows about my situation. I wonder why it's still so fucking hard for them to grasp. I'd rather spend the rest of my life pretending to be Nikita's husband than actually fall in love.

I'm still standing by the window, gazing up at the sky, looking at the moon, surrounded by thousands of stars, still lonely between them, so close yet so far from them. Just like me, surrounded by many yet I feel alone and incomplete like something is missing but what?

"Don't fucking touch me," I snarl before Nikita's hands can reach me. Her hand stops in mid-air as she slightly shakes at my snarl but she brushes it off with a smile. I don't like getting touched without consent, especially when I'm hungry. And I'm somewhat low in blood right now. I need to go hunt soon.

She moves her hands away, "But why-"

That two seconds of her speaking was my fucking undoing. She's speaking to me at a time I don't wanna hear a fucking thing. I don't bother letting her finish. I grab her chin and pin her against the wall, "I said don't touch me so you fucking won't. Why are you asking questions? Don't you ever, dare repeat that again."

She pouts, "It's so unfair. We've been together for a long time but you never let me touch you."

My grip tightens around her neck as my lips drop near her ears, "We were never together, Nikita. We just fuck," I hiss to make things clear in case she's in any fucking delusion that I'm in love. I'd never be in love with anyone. I move back, picking up the wine goblet in the nearby table and taking a sip, hoping it'd help with my thirst though I know alcohol does nothing to me. It's fucking weak.

"That's what being together means, who actually falls in love?" she crosses her arms. I pause for a moment to let that shrink in, she probably has a point.

A mischievous grin forms across her lips as our eyes meet, "Even that is a huge deal. How many girls fancy sleeping with Adryan Antares.."

My blood boils. Gripping her hair tightly, I jerk her head up, "What did you just say?"

Her eyes widen, "I-"

With her hair on my fist, I toss her across the room. Her back hits the wall and she lands on the floor with a loud thud. I walk towards her, slowly.

"What did you fucking call me?" I ask in a low warning voice, giving her a chance.

With a shaky voice and trembling jaw, she mutters, "Adryan-" and suddenly pauses, going wide-eyed as she notices my eyes, "Your eyes.. they're red."

I punch the table by her side and break it into pieces within a second. I've to constantly remind myself to control my fucking temper. Control. But I can't help it. I'm reckless, fucking lunatic.

After letting out a little of my frustration on the table, I lean down and stare directly in her eyes, "Exactly. This isn't Adryan Antares. He died. He's fucking gone. Vanished. The man you so much admire, he left my body when Adryan Antares died," I lean closer and growl, "Got it?"

She nods, flinching in fear. Her breath picks up as her eyes fill with panic and fear. Good, she should fear me.

"I-I'm sorrv.." her face pales. I can see her having a hard time to breathe. She begins to sob, glancing down at her feet because she doesn't wanna see my red eyes, I know. She's still not fully used to this side of me.

I laugh, kneeling down to her face, running a finger across her cheeks, "Are you afraid, sweetie?"

I can smell the fear in the air, I inhale the fume of her fear deeply. Fucking satisfying.

Yeah, I am a sick bastard.

"You wanna know what I like?" I take a menacing step forward, making her back away, "Or better if I show you...."

Her eyes go wide when realization sinks in her. I grin as my fangs bare out, "You know how much I love hurting you?"

I take another step, "You think I don't know what's in your pretty little head. Huh?"

She looks around desperately but she knows very little about me. No one can escape my hold unless I fucking let them.

"Why can't I move?!" she panics, whimpering in pain. My fangs ache in my mouth at the thought ripping her neck from her fucking body.

With a smirk, I continue, dropping my voice to a whisper, "Nothing happens here without me knowing, don't you know by now? I control everything, everyone.." It's about time she gets a taste of me, what I can do to her without even touching her.

Her eyes go so wide, as if her eyeballs are gonna fall out of socket..and that's all because her own nails are digging inside her neck, tearing her skin apart. The unbearable pain drives her insane as blood drips from her neck, baring her flesh.

"Please make it stop! I beg you! It won't ever happen again!" she tries to scream, but my large cold hands come down quickly on her mouth. With a cruel grin, I sink my fangs into her neck, at the spot where she bruised herself in my control. She winces in pain.

My fangs find her flesh and pierce into it, the soft warmth giving way. She shudders in my hands as I let the warm rich flow in my mouth, reveling in the strength and life that fill my veins, jolt my limbs, grant me my semblance of life. She groans weakly, her body growing limp as my arms support more of her weight.

The human in me felt a small sense of regret. The monster in me simply couldn't care less, not as long as the warm fluid continued to flow into me, pumping me full of stolen life and vitality.

Soon, she loses her strength completely and I drop her to the ground. With a cruel grin, I run a hand through her unconscious body, sealing the bruises with my fingertips before I walk inside the washroom to clean up and shower.

I love it so fucking bad, the scent of fear, the cry for help. It's so fucking addictive. It soothes me to torture them, to see them whimper in pain.

After the shower, I feel exhausted and fall asleep as soon as my body hits the bed. A strange dream welcomes me.

To Be Continued »☆●