FORTY THREE: I Never Asked

"This is a secret," the errand boy whispered, motioning all three women to draw closer.

As the small group clustered around the barrel where Kel sat, the boy began a dramatic retelling of the ferocious storm on Serin's underworld.

Apparently, in the wee hours of the morning, an army of masked assassins appeared out of thin air, conveniently at all the underworld's major holds. Silently, they slit unsuspecting throats for an undetermined amount of time until someone managed to alert everyone else.

Once their gory mission was exposed, the assassins began burning any sort of contraband they could find including drugs, blackmail records and forged documents. All the surviving members of the underworld were forced out of their hiding place and into the custody of the officers that had gathered due to the fires.

"How many people died?" Kel asked in a low voice while the two maids gasped in horror.

"Well of course there's no way to tell!" One of the maids exclaimed. "Those kinds of people only have fake identities."

"That is if they are registered at all," the other piped in.

"Besides," the boy added grimly, "not many of the bodies were recovered."

The other two women gasped again and began wildy fanning themselves, while Kel remained unmoved.

She'd heard of and even seen far worse situations than what the boy had described. Despite her experience, however, something still bothered her. Soren's words rolled around her head, repeating themselves over and over.

'It's a gift for you.'

The thought that all of those brutal deaths and horrific burnings were ultimately her fault made her sick to her stomach.

"I never asked for it," she mumbled to herself, trudging away from the kitchen.

The gossiping group had been dispersed by the head chef, who started barking orders to the three lollygaggers soon after the boy finished his tale. Kel took the hint and quickly got out of the way of the busy staff while the others resumed their duties.

As she walked through the palace halls without any particular aim, she tried to make herself feel better.

"It's not your fault," she whispered, squeezing one of her arms. "Just because he says it's for you doesn't mean you wanted it."

"Wanted what?" a soothing voice interrupted Kel's mumbles.

"Lila!" Kel called out in surprise, looking up from the ground. While she'd been zoning out, her feet had led her near the library.

"Is something bothering you, Dear?" the woman asked, opening the library door.

"You could say that," Kel confessed, following Lila into the room.

Lila smiled softly at her and beckoned to a chair. "Why don't you try telling me about it?"

Kel nodded obediently and sat down. Up until today, she'd kept an organized list of questions stored away in a corner of her brain, just in case she ran into the librarian again. Now that she was here, however, her newfound worries overshadowed all her trivial-seeming curiosity.

"Well," Kel began, staring at her clenched hands in her lap, "somebody did something awful."

"Did they do something awful to you?" Lila questioned, tilting her head.

Kel shook her head.

"Ah! It must have been to one of your friends then," the woman concluded.

"No. Not exactly." Kel replied, shaking her head again.

"Forgive me, but I just don't understand why you'd have to worry about it then," Lila responded, rubbing her chin.

Kel let out a slow breath before explaining. "The thing is they said they did it for me. So in a way, it's still connected to me, right?"

"I don't know about that," Lila shrugged. "It seems to me that whoever it was acted of their own accord. No matter what they say now, they can't magically make it become your fault."

"That's true, I guess," Kel sighed.

"But that's not the only thing bothering you, is it?" The librarian guessed, raising an eyebrow.

"How could you tell?" Kel gave her a half-hearted smile.

"You don't have to tell me everything," Lila soothed, grasping Kel's hand, "but I think I have a way for you to feel better."

Kel perked up a little. "What's that?"

"Close your eyes and I'll tell you," the woman grinned.

Kel rolled her eyes, but still followed Lila's instructions. Just being in the woman's presence had already begun to make her heavy worries a little more bearable.

"Now," Lila instructed, "think about just one thing you're worried about. It should be something you can have a direct effect on and something you can actively work to fix right now."

"Hmm ok," Kel mused, sorting through her thoughts.

Even though she had an unsettling feeling whenever she thought of Soren and Spencer Regan, she knew there was nothing she could do about it. At least not right now.

Forcing herself to move on to the next problem, Barclay instantly came to mind. Her actions did have a direct effect on their relationship, and she could go find him right now.

The only issue was that she didn't know what to say.

She wanted them to be on good terms again. She wanted this silly feud to end. Mostly, she wanted both of them to reach an understanding with one another.

"What if it's something I want to do," she wondered aloud, "but don't quite know where to start?"

"Then it sounds like something you can't do anything about right now," Lila answered bluntly. "Think of something else."

If Kel cut Soren and Barclay out of the picture, then the biggest thing left bothering her was the fact that her fire didn't work.

She wasn't sure if her powers were something she could affect directly, given that she had no idea what was going on, but at least she could try. All she really needed for that was an isolated open space.

"I think I've got something," she announced.

"Wonderful!" Lila cheered. "Now, is it something you have an influence on?"

"I think so," Kel nodded.

"And is it something you can work on right now?"

"Definitely."

"Great!" Lila clapped her hands together before grabbing Kel's arm and yanking her to her feet.

Kel's eyes shot open. "Wait, wha-"

"Don't just sit here," the librarian urged, shoving her toward the door.

"Go fix it!"