Chapter 14: Past recollection

Beatrice POV

'Mom is finally awake' I thought, I was currently in the park, I took a fresh air after that heartwarming event that just happened.

Though I still questioned myself that is it really my fault that mom got in a coma? and I know for sure that my parents will threat me differently when they will found out that I worked in the Mafia for so long now, because I killed lots of people, right?

"Why does it always have to be me?" I keep questioning myself that in the past years.

I just want to disappear from this world, but I can't, because my life is God's gift to me so I need to treasure it with all of my might, and if I won't treasure it, I might not be given a second chance anymore, I also don't want my loved ones to be hurt. But will they really be hurt when I'm gone?

I was afraid that if one day, I woke up and find out that I was all alone.

I keep questioning... "Why does it always have to come this way? Why can't it be fixed with a simple word? Why does it have to come into violence?"

For quite some time, I only hear the inner voice in me saying that "it is life, it meant to be hard so you could survive, it'll be unfair, and you couldn't change that."

And then, at this point, I questioned why? Why can't be life be fair? All the violence, the fight, and the family problems! Why can't it be fixed with just a simple word?! Just why?!

I don't get it!! It makes me frustrated!! And it makes my heart ache everytime I see violence and someone suffering!

I wanna help them so badly! But how?.....

I asked myself again, how can I help them if I... I myself am a coward...

I don't know what's the problem in me dammit!!

When I talk to the teachers, why does my tears always keep threatening to fall?! They are a human just like me!

What is it that I was afraid of?

Why am I always breaking down when someone talk to me if I was okay?

Am I afraid that if I did something wrong?

Or is it that... I didn't accept of who I am?

Why can't anyone see that I'm broken in the inside?

Why would they always think that I was lucky?

I have a lot of questions that aren't answered, even though when I was four, I understand all of the adults topic about life.

About the money problem, job, and the family fights.

And once again, I thought "why can't they think clearly that it will be solved if they really look at the bright side?"

Why can't they just say a simple sorry? or ask some help from the others?

And when in school I keep questioning.

Why are most of my classmates afraid of me?

Are they just shy? Or am I that ugly?

Why are the teachers always hates me?

What did I do wrong?

Is it the way I walk? Talk? Or answered?

I once talk to one of my past classmates and said hello, how are you?

And they just said, their fine so I asked about the others and they said that they are spreading rumors about me being a overacting, dramatic, a back stabber, and feeling rich.

I was shocked when I heard it, I questioned myself again.

Am I really that selfish?

Why am I here again?

But eventually, I smiled and didn't show that I was hurting, and just said, you can believe them if you like, I'm not the one who will decide if you like me or not.

I keep forgiving every person that did bad things even though they didn't apologize.

Is that bad?

Someone said to me that learn to forgive than to forget.

Is my forgiveness is just too much?

"I want to change myself, I wanna be like them." I said to myself, while I was having a mental breakdown.

The year when I'm finally in preschool, I was so excited to go to school because I will meet some new classmates. The incident of my mom got put into a coma still hadn't happened.

So when I arrived in my classroom with my mom who is escorting me, my excitement dead down when I saw my classmates. Most of them comes from a rich family and I feel left out, I cried that time my mom tried to go home, so I clutched at her tightly.

Mom didn't have a choice but to stay so she stayed, but when the class was over, I realized that she left me. She go back at the house without me, I cried that time thinking of how should I go home now.

It took me awhile to calm down and after an hour or so, my parents arrived to get me, so I run and hug them for dear life.

After a month or so, I got comfortable in class, I started to play with them, but one day, one of the boys in other class accidentally poked my left eye.

I thought I was going to be blind, so I cried, I'm such a cry baby.

Then all of a sudden my Dad arrived and saw that my eyes are puffy, he asked that is there any children that hurted me. But since I didn't know how to lie properly that time, I told him the truth and said to him that some kid accidentally poke my left eye.

My Dad was concerned and got close near the kid, he scolded the kid while I'm just watching at the sideline.

I'm both afraid and amaze, I'm afraid of what he will do to the kid because father had a bad temper sometimes. And I was amaze because his bravery was just so admiring.

I wanna be like Dad! Strong and brave! Everyone might think that girls are weak, I'll prove them all wrong that girls can be strong too.

Just you wait world! I'm going to be a strong girl you'll ever seen!

That was the start of my goal, but it all changed when that accident happened.