COMPLICATED

It was perplexing, despicable, and unthinkable, but it was on the verge of happening. I became restless for the next two days after my encounter with Leniey. I went into the radio sessions and did my thing, but he was still on my mind, and one thing I was worried about was Kelvin's reaction. I realized that my feelings for him would eventually destroy my future, especially my relationship and so I decided to leave him alone and as much ignore him. Despite seeing him around school, I so much ignored him as quickly as he tried to engage in conversation with me. I didn't know what to do, especially since I was falling in love again. Even while laying on Kelvin's chest, I couldn't stop thinking about him. He was always occupying my mind, every time, every day, and every moment, trying to remind me of things I desperately wanted to forget and push as far away from me as possible. It became the norm to elude him. That's all.

So today, after my live session, Kelvin requested that Leniey come and chill at our place since his flight was still in the evening. Of course, we are both nervous, as we always were during our first meetings. I was always nervous around Leniey; I'm not sure why, but something just felt like it always changed my interaction with him. Before, I used to nervously laugh or try to crack a funny joke to just forget or conceal the feeling he gave me. But him being here today after our encounter felt a bit awkward, and furthermore, he was my ex. I don't know how Kelvin would react after realizing all this; he might kill me somehow. One thing Kelvin hated was lies; he was always an honest person in front of me. Even at one point, when some girl tried to violently kiss her in a certain club, he still came and told me and vehemently apologized for the action. He had always been like that—a dude who believes honesty saves people. Even at his deepest wrongs, he will just tell you the truth; he'd rather have you hate him than live in hypocrisy and pretense, and due to this natural character of his, I had to hide one thing I knew would break our bond for life or for some time.

One funny fact about Leniey and Kelvin is that no one knew their real lives outside school, for instance, their family, home, and stuff. Leniey, of course, was not much of a storyteller, and how much would I love to state that even Kelvin hated telling people about his lifestyle and home? "Dude, do you know how to play combat or should we do FIFA?" Kelvin asked Leniey. Leniey just laughed and stated, "I barely have time for games; my job schedule is tight." Hearing this, I decided to dive into the conversation and ask, "What's your job schedule?" Leniey and Kelvin made some eye contact when Kelvin stated, "Modeling is hard; you have to take care of everything as a person, plus he is the face of SportPesa Africa, I guess." I was shocked; I didn't expect Leniey to be the face of something, especially a betting company. Therefore, Leniey just laughed and stated, "It's just a contract. I want to focus more on modeling and starting my own brand, and maybe do some music." For the first time in so long, I listened to Leniey's words seriously, as if adoring his thoughts and efforts. Back on campus, he was a playful young man; he never really focused on books. He was always coming to class late and rarely wrote any notes. He hated presentations, assignments, or anything to do with class work; all he loved was basketball and using his free time with music students, maybe learning how to use guitars or something, but the real truth was that dude was talented; he could rap as well as sing, and above all, was a great dancer, so I patted him on the back for that. I did not know how much I had zoned out when Leniey asked again, "Hey! What about you? What's your plan?" I looked at him, then at Kelvin, and back again at him when I said, "Radio sessions will do for now." He continued, "What about school, you know? It's important." I knew this was not about what I am doing in England; it was about my psychology class. I knew Leniey so well, and this time he was closely watching me, as if waiting eagerly for an answer when I stated, "I have already graduated." I did not have to say anything after that; I just watched Leniey nod with a disappointed face. He knew I knew what he wanted to say, but I would never want Kelvin to have any suspicions, especially given that we have had a lot of differences.

"Bytha Leniey, are you dating?" Kelvin asked out of the blue. Even Leniey seemed astonished with that, when Kelvin continued, "I'd love to know brother, I want to know the girl who has stolen your heart, as for me, she who has stolen is breaking it day by day." This was not about Leniey; honestly, Kelvin was not the type to use parables or to blurt out our secrets to people he did not regard as friends or close. Leniey looked at me and then stated, laughing, "I assume she is the girl." When Leniey scratched the back of his slightly shaved head and continued, "I... eh... haven't yet (laughing) found a girl," Kelvin didn't say anything; he just stared at him as if demanding an answer. "You can hook me up." After saying this, they both laughed at the statement when Kelvin said, "I see. So when are we going to start the modeling sh*t and whatever?" This is work-based and a relief, I told myself, when Leniey then replied, "I came to check your medical bills from the school, so now all that is left is for you guys to appear at the agency, introduce yourselves, and the best three will be chosen with whom to work with all the others." And with that, I decided to ask Leniey, "How did you make it in the modeling agency?" Leniey just made a little smirk and stated, "That was some toss of the coin; I joined for some school contest of the best male and female models back on my campus, and luckily this agency had taken part in sponsoring the requirements for the night and everything. I was lucky to win the best male model. It was quite tough, though. I was given an assistant who forced me to stay on a diet: no alcoholic drinks, no lots of caffeine, a minimum amount of healthy food, fast food was a no. It was terrible, but I have already gotten used to it. I started visiting the gym, taking care of my skin, all that, and some shit I always had the notion of them being girly of sorts. But here I am." Kelvin seemed so eager to listen to Leniey's story that I could see him nod and make some faces about the foods when he asked, "Where's home?" No, this was not supposed to be known. I never wanted Kelvin to know Leniey's background, especially not with me around; therefore, I intervened and stated, "Hey, it's already time to catch a flight." This brought all of them from the world of modeling to the real world, and Kelvin replied by stating, "True, dude, we better take you to the airport." Leniey was not hesitant either; he rose, took his bag, and started walking towards the door as we both followed him closely. Leaving Kelvin to lock the apartment door, we moved with Leniey outside and waited at the car pack for our chauffeurs arrival, who is Kelvin, when Leniey stated, "Are you guys fighting?" I just did not want to answer that. I ignored the question and went inside again to ask Kelvin to hurry, with whom had started talking with some neighbors. I hope they did not hear what happened the previous night between Leniey and me, but nothing happened, not much for neighbours to eaves drop. I therefore called on him, and he hurriedly came, and side by side, we walked outside.

The ride was quiet, with some Lil Taylor music playing. Kelvin was not a fan of any type of music; he sometimes loved the Kanye song, sometimes he would vibe with country music, other times, UK drill. I never seemed to understand him, but when he was sad, I knew him; he was used to rolling almost fifty blunts and would smoke them the whole night. That's why I hated making him feel unworthy or unloved, for I knew how much it broke him. His mother has never been available, and his father has never claimed him as his son. He always told me that his father never loved him for reasons unknown. He always added with a sigh, I have always done everything to prove my worth to him, but he just can't stand my face. Or maybe it's because I am a photocopy of him. Just the face, never the character.'

We arrived at the airport, and Leniey took his bag to opt to leave. This part reminded me of how I left him back home and for the first time I felt a tear drop in my eye. I would miss him. It felt like saying forever and goodbye without even a hug when he requested, "Hey, Kelv, can I hug her?" Kelvin just laughed, saying, "She's my girl, bro. but I trust you." Well, trust never stopped Eve from eating the forbidden fruit, anyway; Leniey decided to hug me. The hug, in as much as we did not want to show it, felt like it would last forever, but it was a very fast hug, a simple goodbye and see you later, little sister. I watched Leniey leave, and one thing I hadn't noticed was that he had changed his walking style. He now walked upright, like a rich man pushing his well-built chest or some Korean main actors. Back home, he was used to sagging, and a little bounce could be seen from his right leg. Maybe people change. His legs were now straight, one foot after another, shoulders upright, and the face straight—how elegant!—and with that, we walked in the car and left for home.

"Just because Leniey was here doesn't mean you've forgotten?" Kelvin stated. We had already arrived, and Kelvin had already started another dramatic conversation. I wasn't ready for this; no one was; it was late at night, and I wished to sleep. Kelvin was not the type to leave a conversation hanging; it usually seemed to haunt him throughout the night, and I knew he would force the conversation until I had my attention on him and his words. Looking at him, I felt a tenseness and a cold chill run through my veins. Kelvin's face had turned, and his nose was shiny red, like a dead ass with light skin, so I stated, "I was drunk, Kelv." He laughed, and for the first time his laugh was not genuine; he seemed hurt, and he stated, "And that's the point. You were drunk, Angel. You were drunk. What part of that don't you understand? What if I was drunk and called out some random female? Angel, I am not an idiot. Just tell me who this boy is. Is he a past lover, or is he your brother? Your best friend Just tell me. This has haunted me since that day. Angel, I, and the nights have become sleepless. If I lose you, I don't know. I can't love again. You were my last trial. My last ship It's my last fuel, and it seems to walk away every time I think of it. I have never treated a girl as I have done with you." Hearing this from Kelvin made me feel remorse, hurt, and pain. He was just gazing at me with pitiful eyes, as if waiting for an answer. I did not want to lose him, nor did I want to break his heart. I did not want to be his last shot; I never wanted anything bad to happen to him, and the truth was that what he said was true: he would never love again; love would become a transaction, and women would be the fees. I searched for words, but I had nothing to say. I was tired of lying to him, and this time the fact remains that I was drunk. You know, nothing makes it worse than that. I was drunk, and I act as if it is not a big deal. I wanted to save myself, maybe tell him it just slipped off my tongue and I didn't mean it, but no words came out. My throat was dry. Kelvin just looked at me with eyes of disappointment and hurt and stated, "Maybe I am the problem. Have always been." And with that, he just left—no word, no sign—and the crazy part was that I just watched him leave. I did not know what to say—entice him to sex, tell him I love him? Kelvin was hurt, I know, and this time I was the reason—I was always the reason for his pains. He adored me, he loved me, he saw a future in me, and the worst mistake was that he had invested his feelings in me. But the truth was that I was not available; I was not, I don't know, can I say that I was not ready? I knew he was the one I needed, but my heart never flattered like it did with someone else. I knew I wanted to be loved and missed, but my heart never missed me like it did with someone else. He was never a mistake in my life; I was the mistake, but I would never let this slide, and he would never slide; his love was my rock. I don't care; he was enough, and other feelings meant nothing; as long as I was treated better, that's all I asked for, and with that, I texted him, "Hey babe, where you at? Can we talk? You are not a mistake in my life. Never will, never have." And with that, Kelvin replied, "Just enjoying some drink; will reach out later."