12 : UNCERTAINTY

©S A F I E

CHAPTER 12

GABRIEL

I run my hands through my hair and breathe out a sigh. A couple of nurses pass me by, looking at me with a curious gaze. I ignored them, bowing my head in frustration - I felt like I am suffocating in the very oxygen I am breathing in.

I closed my eyes, biting my lip. I never meant for this to happen; I just wanted to talk to her, to make her understand and when she finally gives me the chance, worse things happen.

After what felt like a million years, the door burst open and out came another doctor-which almost made me double over. Well, not because of the very reason that she's pretty but because she looks exactly like Victoria yet this girl has blonde hair and Victoria was a pure brunette.

I didn't know that she has taken an interest in the medical field and dyed her hair blonde.

"Victoria?" I asked, still looking at the doctor as she checks the data on the board. "Victoria, what-?"She cut me off by looking up at me with those striking blue eyes, not like that of Victoria's grey ones. "I'm sorry, but you got my name wrong, I am Cherry Woods. I'm the substitute doctor of your wife and I'm here to tell you the results seeing as Doctor Eric needs to rush off to his patient at the maternity ward." I stared down on the floor, quite embarrassed of myself for mistaking her for someone.

But I swear, she -

"She's now stable," I stared at her as she speaks, the feeling of knowing her face somewhere making me irritated - Victoria and Cherry just look so alike. She scrunched up her face as she sniffles, "But the thing is that-" She focused her eyes on me again before wiping a stray tear that slid on them, "She lost the baby."

"What?" I pulled my hair and bit my lip, "I cannot understand. I mean, I-" I stayed frozen on my place as I tried to put two things together, thinking hard. Is that why Elle's acting out from the past few weeks? Not to mention those sudden urges she has when we were eating - is it all because of it, a baby?

"She was pregnant?”

Cherry nodded at my question and I felt like my spine was removed. I lean back on the wall, running my hands through my hair.

"Was it mine?" I wanted to punch myself for asking such a stupid question but she heard me. Cherry look me in the eye and shakes her head, disgust apparent on her face, “Is that the only thing that is running in your mind? I just told you that she lost the baby and you still doubt her?”

“But it is unlikely. It’s not possible. How could I-You know Doctor Jackson? He's my doctor! He knows my medical history. He knows what happened to me five years ago - The fatal accident that killed my cousin and her unborn child. He's done the operation on me, gave me my diagnosis. He said that I cannot reproduce. You could be mistaken. Look, maybe she--"

"No. Don't accuse her of that, Mr. West. She has done everything for you. Can’t you trust her? Why do you keep on rejecting her - blaming her?” she glared at me and sigh, flipping her hair. “You should blame yourself for everything that has happened! It was not her fault the baby died, it was yours.” She left with her hands shaking on her side as she grabs the door handle, entering the room.

With pure disgust towards myself and confusion to what I feel following such revelation, I marched out of the hospital, got in my car and drove.

*Flashback*

"Why do you hate to have a kid, Gabe? Don't you love me?" she leaned on the table in front of me. I continue to read the paper on my hand, ignoring her attempts on distracting me out of my work so she can lead me to that sore topic again of having a child.

"Damn it, Gabriel West." I know full well that when she states my full name, and I didn't attend to her needs-I'll be damned. I glanced up only to return my gaze to the paper on my hand, shrugging a shoulder. "Listen to me, please!" She snatched the paper off my hand and threw it across the table making me scowl at her.

Both of us were standing now, glowering at each other. Her little fists are trembling as her lips quivered of the effort of trying not to cry. I averted my eyes and muttered, "Damn it, woman."

I continue glaring at her and for a second, having this sudden urge to strangle the life out of this petite imp of a woman. She's way too annoying to have such a pretty face. I shake my head at my thoughts as I snapped, "Elle, I have work to do. I don't-"

"Why can't you just answer me? It's so simple, Gabriel. We've been married for a year now! Why don't we try for a baby? You know I always wanted to have one." I can see the tears trying to escape her eyes but she fought it back, blinking thoroughly as she bit her lips.

Oh, those lips. I've always wanted to taste them, bite them, feel them in between my own. I wonder if they are as soft as they appear. Snap out of the dirty thoughts, mate!

"Elle, I've been very busy these past few months I barely have time to be with you. I need to run the company, travel to different countries, attend meetings." I look at her and back to the table, not having enough courage to stand how pitiful she looks. "I don't have time for a kid. They're just spoiled little things that needed to be taken care of, raised, fed, disciplined, spend time to, sent to school and much more." I bit my lip for the very lousy excuse I gave.

She shakes her head furiously and I gave her a look of disapproval as she leans closer, standing on her tippy toes so that we are face to face. "You don't know how it hurts me every time you mention the fact you hated them. I always envy my cousin, Cassandra, and my friends and all of those women at the park - taking care of their babies and kids, smiling with them, playing with them and protecting them. Why don't you want us to try for one, Gabe? Just ONE..."

I gave her a stern look before making up my decision, clenching my jaw. "No, I said no Elle. We're not gonna have this conversation again for the nth time. Can't you get it? I've told you that I don't want one or any! I can't even fucking spend enough time with you and we barely have time to talk things out and this is what you'll bring up at a weekend? F*ck!" I stand from my seat and grab my coat, "If you wanted to, I'll just ask for Joe to buy you a dog so you won't have to beg me to have a kid with you You are just lonely and a dog will be a good company just like how you insisted. Maybe then, it will knock some sense to you because a dog is easier to take care of, than a--"

"A dog is different from a baby, Gabriel! You know what? I don't know you anymore! You've changed. You're not the same guy I've fallen in love with from the past few months. I hate you! I hate you like, HATE YOU!"

*end of flashback*

I don't know how long I've been driving.

The memories keep flashing back on me as I tried to speed off the town and to the other dimension--trying to avoid reality. The lights blinking, winking as I pass each house, the sky now dark and with a little glow coming from my car odometer, I clench my fist, gripping the wheel as I bit my lip, hard. I halted, cutting off the engine as I pulled at my hair, feeling crazed.

How will I put this?

So, she is pregnant. Well, let me correct that - she was pregnant. It was past. I still can't believe that she was pregnant. She lost the baby because of me.

I scream, my voice contained inside my car. My hands trembled as I grab the steering wheel, bumping my head on it and groaning as the pain settled in my skull, casting a dizzy spell. My chest tightens of the emotion I am feeling that all I want to do is hurt myself. I switched the engine on and planned to drive for another mile. The moon cast a dim glow as the clouds gathered around, thunder rumbling, a bolt of lightning cracking the darkness beyond the canopy of trees. My headlights cast a glow that turned the angel statue glinting as the marble caught the lights.

I know I'm close to where I want to go.

I can see the bronze gates opening into a wide lawn, the willow tree looming over the arched stones as some of the stubborn stars persisted to shine beneath the dark clouds. I put the car on the reverse, parking nearby before getting out. Leaves crumbled as I walked on them, wiping my hands behind my trousers as I stop in front of the marble stone.

It was like how I remembered it, her name elegantly engraved on the white tombstone, surrounded by numerous black and grey tombstones. I touch the top of the stone and sighed, "Hello, Emma."

I sat down and brush away a few tendrils on top of her tombstone. "It's been five long years; so much had happened on that span of years but..." I bit my lip as I struggled to continue, "But I--I haven't forgotten or get past that chapter. What shall I do, Emma?" I brush the tears on the sides of my face and sniffed. "I can't remove the guilt in me. I'm the reason why you are gone. If only I could change the fact that you-" the chill slithering down my spine made me stop. I look around the graveyard, my eyes wide and my stance changing to an alert one.

"Don't be like that, Emma. I know, I shouldn't be blaming myself but I can't help it." I cleared my throat and continued, "You know me, Emma. I can't just forget it that I am the reason why you died-the reason you and your baby died. It shouldn't have had happened in the first place but I pushed you to do it." I sigh, trying not to sob as I cried harder, "Forgive me, please. Remove this guilt I feel and help me."

'You are the only one who could help yourself'

I look behind me to see nothing, "Emma, please don't scare the hell out of me!" I turn around again and found myself staring at the same eyes as Emma's. "Enah, what are you doing here?" I frown at the smaller figure who is wearing a red cloak drape, making her look like an average twelve years old.

"Trying to scare the hell out of you, of course, just the way you said it...." She shrugged a shoulder before walking near so that both of us are looking at Emma's grave. "Five years, huh?" I nodded my head and sigh, "And I still can't forget it."

"You know what? Don't ever blame yourself. You already know that Emma has forgiven you a long time ago. She's the kindest person we've ever known and you know that she would never, ever hold a grudge." I felt her hand on my cheek as she wipes my tears away. "Don't blame yourself, Gabby..."

I cannot help but smile at the nickname they have given me when we were children but the guilt I am feeling, made me frown, “I felt like I am being punished, Enah. I shouldn’t have done such a dangerous, trying to be the hero and all. I should’ve brought her to the hospital by calling an ambulance...and now. Oh! I feel so guilty, Enah.”

"But why do you feel guilty? It's done, Gabby. It's been five years; can't you get it? Five years! We can’t do anything about it.” She pleaded; her eyes wild.

I wipe my tears and cried harder, sobbing in my arms, “I’ve done something terribly wrong to make me feel this guilty, Enah. It causes my child’s life. We lost our baby, Enah. I don’t even know if the baby is really mine because they told me that I cannot reproduce.” I look at Enah and lean close as she pats my back gently. “I do not know if Elle would accept me back. She will hate me; she will blame me because I failed to protect both of them. I did not know about the baby because I choose to ignore her. It made me feel so guilty. I'm a murderer. " She pulled at my arms but I shake her off and made my way to my car. I was surprised to feel Enah's arms around me, holding me back.

"Aw, Gabe..." I felt the tears soaking my shirt as she hugged me closer. “I’m so sorry. I know how all these things scarred you. It made you so cold but don't be so hard on Elle. Don't be like this. She needed you there on her side right now. She needs you to be strong. You have to go back and stay next to her."

"I don't know if I should. I can't show myself to her knowing that it is my fault the baby died." I push her and return inside the car, turning the engine on. "Gabby, please go back to her!"

I shake my head at her faint voice, pulling out of the driveway and out of the graveyard. "Forgive yourself, Gabby. Forget the past!"

But I can't Enah, I can't...

*

I don't know how I have come to arrive in this town or how I got inside this café. I have even ordered myself some chocolate frap before falling asleep with a pumpkin cheesecake unconsumed without having no idea. The lovely little girl was the one who woke me up. Grudgingly, I raise from my seat and walk out, laying a very desirable amount on the table for what I had ordered last night.

My car was park awkwardly beside a stall. I settled in and took a pen and a paper, finally dawning in a decision that will leave both of us in peace. I began to write,

My dearest Elle,

I am sorry for what I have done. I know that all I brought you is pain and misery. I hope that me, leaving you, will bring you a good life but I hope, it won’t be for long. I know that I deserved your hate and angst but I ask for forgiveness. I want you in my life, so we can find happiness together in achieving our dreams. To you, I leave the memories of our good times and those cherished moments. Be safe and happy. Know that you always belong in my heart as I had once belonged to yours.

I will be at the place where we have met the first time, right by the bridge at sunset before the autumn leaves fall. Only then will I know that if you wanted me back, you will go.

Even when I left you on your own, I will always be here for you...

Forever, GABE

I put it inside the bracelet I brought for her that is nesting inside my breast pocket ever since I have arrived from Italy, praying that someday she will find the letter. I hope it won't take her that long.

I switched the engine on and drove, pocketing the bracelet inside my trousers. The road seems to go on forever and I arrived at the hospital, parking in a space next to the doors. I entered the hospital and wearily look around, not knowing where I shall go. I was about to call my lawyer for the contract details when the door to my right opened, "Mr. West, I'm glad you're back." The doctor who looks a lot like Victoria smiled at me yet I can almost see the way she struggled not to sneer. "You're here to check on her, are you?" I nodded at her, trying to arrange my thoughts as I follow her inside the room.

"Please, take a seat." She waved to a chair and I hesitated, "Is there something you want to tell me because seriously, you look like someone who wanted to confess." She stated, scribbling some notes on her board and muttering something about an appointment tomorrow.

"I think I should wait for her to wake up – Me and Elle, we need to sort things out; discuss important things." I answered, my emotions overflowing as I wrung my hands together, the words tumbling out of my mouth made my eyes widen in shock. Her brows furrowed as she glared at me. Her sudden change of appearance made me think how she closely resembles Victoria, adding to my suspicion of who this girl is. "I have to tell her what I really feel. My fears and-"

"You think that's wise?" Her words made me stop and look at her as she continues, "You think, she would want to see your face after what you've done? She would hate you for doing it. She would hate you for ruining the life she was imagining for her baby. It is better if you leave now."

My jaw tightened but I try not to be affected so much of her words. I know she is right but how dare she decides for the both of us? Because I wasn’t sure of her ulterior motive, I tightened my hands on the bracelet inside my pocket and said. “I don't know; I needed to see her. I wanted to be beside her...even if it will be the last time."

"But does she need you? She will hate you for staying by her side – she won’t stomach the sight of you face when she wakes. You are always the reason for her unhappiness. You should stay away from her and give her the chance to achieve her dreams." She concluded that I couldn't help but want to pull her head off. The more she says the words, the more I suspect her. It is true, she has a point - I am the reason for Elle's misery but then, I have a better life when I am with her. I will be willing to risk staying here. As for now, I will devise a plan to catch Victoria and investigate this filthy doctor in front of me.

I nodded my head and simply say, “Let me say goodbye. I will see her one last time before I go back to Italy and let her have her normal life back. I will book her a flight to France. I shall do this for her, to give her the happiness she desires." I waited for Cherry to say something but she didn't. She looks so satisfied that I have this strong urge to punch her face. "Okay then. You may go in and see her. Are there some request you want me to tell her as soon as she wakes?"

I clench my jaw, pocketing my hands so to keep them from trembling in anger, "Tell her that I’ve bought her an apartment. Half of the company will also be transferred to her name as soon as I arrive in Italy. Please inform her too that the divorce papers will be sent to her after a week. Good day, Ms.--" I look down on her ID and realize that she looks more and more familiar to me. Why does she have to smile as Victoria does? It can all be accidental, right? I look back on her ID again as I take my eyes off her face, "Ms. Cherry Woods."

I left her office only to find myself walking down the hall that leads into the recovery room, doubting myself of the decision that I made. I found her, lying down. I brush my hand on Elle's hand as I listened to the machine that is beeping beside her bed, the only sign that she's well and fighting.

"Hello, Elle."

She has a bandage on her forehead; a bruise on the side of her beautiful face, and the base of her neck. I pulled my hand away, heaving a sigh "I'm so sorry for what happened. I didn't mean for the baby to die; I do not want that at all." I look at her and kiss each finger on her hand, saying, "I have doubts. I am bitter because I was told that I cannot reproduce and that made me lose it. How could a man lose the ability to provide an heir? I have everything in the world yet I am incapable to have a child. This embarrassed me so much that it still hurts when I say it out loud; that made me hate them - babies and kids."

“I've been so afraid when you kept on bleeding. It brought memories back," I whispered, caressing her cheek." I don't want you to die as Emma did and my mom. I don't want you to leave me. You are my sanity, my anchor. You are the one who keeps me on the ground or else I'm long gone to the clouds, carried by the wind..."

"You have to understand why I am doing this. I am sorry if I keep on asking you a favour, I am such a petty guy but know that I am doing this for you.” I wipe my tears, hating the fact that I have cried for so many times in just two days rather than I did in my last twenty-seven years of existence. "I love you, Elle, but I do not want to be the reason for your pain and sadness, so I'm letting you go...even though I don't want to-It must be done. Cherry has a point; We just keep on destroying each other, playing with both of our feelings. You will just suffer if I don't let you go now. So here I am, saying my final goodbye's..." I gave her the bracelet and whispered to her ear, “Inside this, is a letter. You will find it in time and understand the reason why I am doing this. I will be waiting and if you do not come and find out about the reason why I left, I will let you go.”

I settled a kiss on her forehead and was about to lean for another kiss on her lips but I realize that I can't - I might not be able to leave her if I did, so I settle with her cheeks instead, my lips lingering. "I'd rather watch you from afar than see you suffer. I'd rather get a glimpse of your pale cheeks and your green orbs than never see it again.” I lean down again for another kiss before I whispered on her ear, "Goodbye, Elleana Cassidy West. I love you, forever...

That was the first and maybe the last time I will confess my love to her. With that, I closed the door and faced the possibility that there will be no chances for us to be together again...

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