Chapter 11: I’ll Take Degeneracy for 500  

Paula: I play "En Passant."

Xavier: What. You can't do that! I'm pretty sure that move's not legal.

Fiona: Google it

Xavier: Holy hell! We used this joke already last time!

Paula: The entire world of chess only has about 5 jokes.

Xavier: New response just dropped. Yeah, that's probably true. The chess world is definitely for nerds. I don't know why Ned gave us this set as a mini-prize. This is so boring.

Ned: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW "X"AIVE"R" THAT I HAVE BEEN REFERENCING CHESS JOKES SINCE YOU WERE DOING PIPI IN YOUR PAMPERS.

Fiona: New response just dropped.

Xavier: Wait, are we going to address how Melanie is still unconsciousssssssssssssssssss.

My voice trailed off as the 4 of us began going down a hole that spontaneously appeared on the ground underneath us.

-1 free fall later-

Ned: WELCOME EVERYONE TO THE PENULTIMATE ROUND OF "SILLY HUMANS". ONLY 3 TEAMS REMAIN. THE DIPSHITS, THE MOBIUS SIBLINGS, AND THE PLANET WITH ONLY MEN. FOR TODAY'S CHALLENGE, WE WILL BE DOING A TRIVIA CHALLENGE. THERE WILL BE 10 TRIVIA QUESTIONS ASKED TO THE 3 TEAMS. ONLY 1 PERSON FROM EACH TEAM CAN ANSWER EACH QUESTION AT A TIME. THE MEMBER EACH TEAM ELECTS TO ANSWER THE NEXT QUESTION WILL GO TO THE 3 PODIUMS WE HAVE SET UP ON CENTER STAGE WITH BUZZERS ON THEM. KIND OF LIKE JEOPARDY OR ANY OTHER SIMILAR COPYCAT GAME SHOW. EACH TEAM MEMBER MUST PARTICIPATE IN AT LEAST 2 QUESTIONS. GETTING A QUESTION RIGHT GIVES YOU 1 POINT. IF YOU BUZZ IN AND GET THE QUESTION WRONG HOWEVER, YOU LOSE 1 POINT. THE TEAM WITH THE LEAST POINTS AT THE END OF THE 10 QUESTIONS WILL HAVE THEIR PLANET DESTROYED. UNDERSTAND?

Xavier: What the... wait this one's pretty normal. Just one question though, as you can see Ned, Melanie here is still unconscious, will she still be required to go to the podium?

Ned: YES.

Xavier: Damn.

Ned: ALRIGHT SO ANYWAYS, EVERYONE PLEASE FOLLOW THE TIKI MASK GUIDES TO CENTER STAGE AND PICK YOUR FIRST REPRESENTATIVE. WHILE THAT HAPPENS A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS. HAVE YOU EVER FELT YOUR PRIVACY IS AT RISK? HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO BE SNEAKY ABOUT SOME THINGS LIKE BEING ABLE TO WATCH YOUR FAVORITE SHOWS ON STREAMING WEBSITES EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE REGION LOCKED? SNEAKY LIKE... A CAT? THEN YOU NEED CATVPN. CATVPN IS THE FIRST VPN THAT...

While Ned gave a mildly reasonable ad on the usefulness of CATVPN, I made my way to center stage with my teammates.

Xavier: Alright so... if Melanie only goes the minimum of 2 times, 2 of us have to go 3 times and one of us 2 times. Does anyone want to go first?

Fiona: I'm good.

Paula: All yours.

Xavier: What? I don't know guys I'm a bit scared. Can't one of you 2 go?

Fiona: Send Melanie.

Xavier: Oh true. We have to use her turns anyways, might as well get it over with early and feel out the competition.

And with that, I dragged Melanie onto our assigned podium.

Ned: ALRIGHT SO IT APPEARS OUR REPRESENTATIVES FOR QUESTION ONE WILL BE MELANIE, BILLY'S SISTER 1, AND MAN12415.

Billy's Sister 1: My name's Mary. And why are you not giving this guy next to me a real name?

Ned: NO... THAT IS LITERALLY WHO THIS MAN IS. ON THIS PLANET NAMES CAN'T BE REPEATED SO THEY END UP LOOKING LIKE ONLINE USERNAMES. MAN12415 IS HIS ACTUAL NAME.

MAN12415: Indeed and I found that very offensive. How would you feel if no one accepted your real name?

Billy's Sister 1: Sorry.

Ned: ANYWAY, THE FIRST QUESTION IS... WHAT 2012 FILM STARRING SELANIE GOMEZ TAKING PLACE IN MIAMI FLORIDA WAS A CONTROVERSIAL FILM DUE TO ITS UNCOMFORTABLE PORTRAYAL OF SPRINGTIME ACTIVITIES AMONG THE YOUTH?

Xavier: Fuck!

I swore knowing exactly what the film was.

MAN12415: I believe that film is, "Spring Breakers"

Ned: YOU ARE CORRECT. ONE POINT FOR TEAM 6.

Xavier: How does an all-guys planet have a Selena Gomez film?

Ned: ALRIGHT WHO'S NEXT, COME ON WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.

I looked at Fiona and Paula who both looked like they didn't want to go. To be honest I didn't either so we gave another round to Melanie. The other teams didn't seem like they wanted to send new representatives either.

Ned: OKAY NEXT QUESTION: WHAT POPULAR CRIME SHOW HAD ONE OF ITS MOST POPULAR SEASONS IN MIAMI?

Xavier: ...

I face palmed after another question I knew the answer to dropped.

Billy's Sister 1: What is CSI?

Ned: THAT IS CORRECT.

Crap, already in a hole. No choice I guess. It was up to me to step up now. The fate of the universe was on the line. And although my name wasn't Jordan, or LeBron, or Andre Iguodala, I still felt like I could come up clutch. So bravely I stood up and...

Paula: Alright let's do this!

And I was swiftly cut off as Paula ran to the podium instead. The other teams switched answering members too.

Ned: ALRIGHT SO, PAULA, BILLY'S SISTER 2, AND DARKFIREBLADEHERO23. YOUR QUESTION IS, IS THE OXFORD COMMA USEFUL?

Xavier: What? That's not a question with a right answer. That's more of an opinion if anything.

Paula: No, it is not useful.

Ned: CORRECT.

Xavier: Hold on, I'd like to argue that...

Ned: OH, BUT BECAUSE XAVSHIT IS STUBBORN, YOU LOSE A POINT AS WELL PLANET 4.

Xavier: But...

Fiona: Shut up.

Xavier: ...

None of the teams switched out podium members.

Ned: OKAY THE NEXT QUESTION, WHO IS THE GREATEST CHESS PLAYER OF ALL TIME?

Xavier: Okay once again, not a factual question.

Paula: Kasparov.

Ned: CORRECT.

Xavier: ...

The podium members remained the same.

Ned: NEXT QUESTION WHAT IS 100 x 100

DARKFIREBLADEHERO23: ... uhhhhhhhh 10,000.

Ned: CORRECT.

It appeared there was some sort of silent agreement between the teams as all 3 of the members at the podium decided to exit and switch to a different member at the same time. Finally, it was my turn to shine, my turn to be the hero that...

Fiona: I got next.

Ned: ALRIGHT, SO THE SCORES SO FAR ARE TEAM 6 2 POINTS, TEAM 24 1 POINT, TEAM 4 1 POINT. FIONA, BILLY'S BROTHER, LAWRENCE YOU'RE UP. AND YOUR FIRST QUESTION IS... WHO WAS THE GREATEST FEMALE POP STAR OF THE 2000s?

Xavier: Okay... I know I said the others were subjective, but music is literally a subjective topic without a true correct answer.

Fiona: Avril Lavigne.

Ned: CORRECT.

Xavier: No one thinks that. Not even Avril herself.

Fiona: Canada does.

Xavier: Honestly probably not. They'd vote for Drake.

Ned: ALRIGHT NEXT QUESTION, WHAT IS THE GREATEST YOUTUBE VIDEO EVER MADE?

Xavier: This is going to be so stupid. What are you going to say, a Mr. Beast video or something dumb like that?

Billy's Brother: Baby shark.

Ned: CORRECT.

Xavier: ... Honestly it's a pretty catchy song.

Ned: LAST QUESTION FOR YOU 3, WHAT IS THE CAPITAL OF ILLINOIS?

Xavier: Fuck she's from Canada... don't say Chicago don't say Chicago, don't say...

Fiona: Chicago.

Ned: INCORRECT.

Billy's brother: Springfield.

Ned: CORRECT.

Fiona shrugged and then exited the stage with the other 2 contestants. Alright, now it really was my time. The score was 3 to 2 to 1 with 2 questions left. Wait what happens if it's a tie for last?

Ned: IF THERE IS A TIE FOR LAST THEN THE WINNER WILL BE DECIDED BY WHO CAN LISTEN TO THE MOST HOURS OF NICKELBACK CONSECUTIVELY WITHOUT SAYING UNCLE.

Alright well, the good news was I was pretty confident in a tiebreaker win. To be honest, I feel Nickelback isn't as bad as the memes on the internet say they are. They certainly had some hits that I go back to once in a while. Still... I didn't want it to come down to that in case a person on the all-guys planet happened to be a bigger fan than I was. I had to lock in. I took a deep breath as I took the podium.

Billy: We meet again Xavier! In a battle of wits no less! Very befitting my eternal rival to once again...

As Billy continued to talk, I tuned him out by humming Nickelback songs in my head.

Ned: AND NOW THEN... THE FINAL 2 QUESTIONS THAT WILL DETERMINE EVERYTHING. DIPSHIT, BILLY, COOLDUDE420 PLEASE GET READY. THE FIRST QUESTION IS... LET'S SAY A TROLLY IS GOING ON A RAIL TOWARDS 5 PEOPLE TIED TO THE RAILWAY. YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF THE LEVER WHICH IF YOU PULL; THE TROLLEY WILL BE REDIRECTED TO KILL 1 PERSON INSTEAD. DO YOU CHOOSE TO PULL THE LEVER?

Xavier: ... god dammit, I thought we weren't doing this bullshit.

Ned: ANY ANSWERS?

Billy: Pull the lever?

Ned: NO.

COOLDUDE420: Don't pull the lever?

Ned: NO... XAVIER YOU HAVE AN ANSWER?

Xavier: Absolutely not.

Ned: ALRIGHT, IN THAT CASE, THE ROUND ENDS. THE CORRECT ANSWER IS YOU KILL EVERYONE ON BOTH RAILINGS BECAUSE THAT'S THE FAIREST SOLUTION.

Xavier: I need a therapist.

Ned: THE SCORE IS NOW PLANET 4 1 POINT, PLANET 24 2 POINTS, PLANET 6 1 POINT. AND NOW FOR YOUR FINAL QUESTION...

A cold sweat ran down my neck in anticipation. Then another, as sweat drops tend to come in multiples.

Ned: RIGHT AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK. HELLO, HAVE YOU EVER WANTED A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN LEARN NEW THINGS ONLINE? HOW ABOUT EVEN A NEW LANGUAGE? THEN TRY CATLEARN. NOW WITH CATLEARN...

I breathed a sigh as Ned continued the ad read. At least this was a breather to allow me to regather myself for the final question. I mean this was it, after all, do or die, the fate of my planet on the line.

-1 ad break later-

Ned: AND THE QUESTION IS... IN THAT AD READ WHERE THEY TALK ABOUT THE JAPANESE COURSE YOU CAN STUDY ON CATLEARN, WHAT IS THE DIRECT TRANSLATION OF THE JAPANESE PHRASE 'NANI'

Xavier: ... What?

Ned: THAT'S CORRECT DIPSHIT. PLANET 4 and PLANET 24 WILL BE YOUR FINAL 2 TEAMS!