Chapter 2 - My Dad, Buggy The Clown

Chapter Two - My Dad, Buggy the Clown

"Teach me how to use a sword, senpai!" I yelled, standing up to rock the boat as we 'sailed' (cough, cough, wondered hopelessly) the ocean blue.

"You don't have a sword," Zoro pointed out, face darkening as I eyed up the three swords at his waist before rolling my eyes.

Cue ex-machina of a sword, accompanied by lightsaber noises as I waved it around.

Meanwhile, a newly freed Marine from the hand of a ruthless Lieutenant went to pull out his sword, blinking in shock as he clasped the handle of what appeared to be a frying pan.

"If we practise with those you're gonna get skewered," Zoro chuckled darkly.

Cue ex-machina of two planks of wood. Na, I'm just kidding I got them from the boat.

"Don't destroy the thing keeping you afloat!" Zoro scolded me, teeth sharp as he whacked me around the head.

"Come on, senpai, teach me," I grinned, looking up to him with puppy dog eyes. "Please!"

"Yeah, yeah, Zoro. Teach me too!" Luffy jumped up from where he was sitting on the small boat's mast.

"No fair! You have a devil fruit. Don't get all hax and add swords too!" I whined, letting out a breath to blow a strand of golden blonde hair from my face.

"Na, it's better this way," Zoro stated as he laid back his head onto his hands and closed his eyes.

"You just want to nap!" I raged, waving a fist at him.

I thought it seemed quite threatening. Zoro didn't even twitch.

"Well I was worried I might go overboard and break bones, but…" Zoro began before I sweat dropped and handed Luffy the other piece of wood. "Alright, the aim is to hit and dodge. Go."

I yelped as Luffy whacked me with the piece of wood.

"I wasn't ready!" I barked, clenching my jaw as I lifted my piece of wood, concentrating on Luffy's movement.

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

I had three more bruises and lost my shit. Lifting my piece of wood I attempted three hits on Luffy, my face going redder and redder as he dodged the first, jumped the second, and stretched his head out of the way of the last.

"No fair! Senpai, Luffy's cheating!"

"Am not," Luffy lied, sucking in his cheeks to make a fishy face.

"Even you think it's cheating!" I exclaimed, jaw hitting the ground.

"If you can't beat Luffy, then you'll never be able to face me," Zoro grinned darkly.

"So are you saying that if I beat Luffy, then you'll teach me properly, senpai?" I inquired with a tilt of my head and a devilish grin.

"Yeah," Zoro confirmed, narrowing his eyes at me.

Digging around in my cloth bag, I pulled out a single apple. Luffy zipped up to me with wide eyes, having told me about five million times that he was hungry (like he always was).

"Play dead," I commanded, holding out the apple in the palm of my hand.

CHOMP.

"Sonofabitch!" I cursed, waving my arm around furiously as Luffy chomped the apple and my entire hand in the process.

Swinging the rubber man around like a ball on a chain, I stood, clutching my throbbing hand as Luffy shot off out to sea.

"Ow, ow, ow," I groaned, holding it up and inspecting it before I noticed Luffy's hand sinking into the sea. "Shit!"

I dove into the water with a light splash, speeding across the sea to dive and retrieve Luffy before pulling him back onto the boat.

Zoro cracked open a single eye, watching as the girl zipped across the ocean with impressive speed before pulling their Captain back on deck. Evidently, she was a good swimmer. Not that he would tell her that.

I slapped a fist on Luffy's chest to earn myself a spurt of sea water into the face.

"That was fun! Let's do it again!" Luffy grinned, sitting up at lightning speeds as if nothing of significance had happened at all.

Currently, I was trying not to wet myself as Luffy was carried away in a bird's mouth while Zoro rowed at the speed of light. I only managed to come to my senses when we picked up three hitchhikers, each of them diving into the boat before sporting menacing grins.

"Heh! Your climbing skills aren't bad," Zoro grinned, eyes focused on Luffy's screaming form in the sky.

"Senpai's praise," I breathed, blue eyes wide before I turned around to cause three grown men to cower before my demonic aura.

"S-stop the boat," the one in the pom-pom hat attempted to intimidate us, lifting up his sword.

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

"I took care of them, senpai!" I chirped, looking at Zoro, eyes wide and expectant, as I hugged my plank of wood.

"Took you long enough," Zoro tutted, making me crouch in the corner of the boat all depressed, while he gave the trio a piercing stare. "Now you three, get over here and row."

Cue the sounds of protests before Zoro slapped them silly, putting them in their rightful place as our eternal slaves. After they explained how Nami robbed them blind, I approached them, smiling gleefully as I loomed over them like a shinigami. Three grown men cowered before me. I could literally hear their knees knocking together. I reached out a hand, moving slowly to bask in their mounting fear. The man scrunched up his eyes, waiting for his end as I plucked his black pom-pom hat from his head and placed it on my own, my golden blonde strands protruding from it. I was only a little disappointed when he didn't faint, but at least now I had a nice new hat.

"God dammit, senpai," I muttered.

Zoro, having mastered the art of dramatic entrances, had just launched himself onto the roof of the bar in Orange Town where the Buggy Pirates were currently hanging out with their new recruit - the thief Nami. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out where the goddamn stairs were in this place. Ahhh, where are the signposts! I need direction!

"Excuse me, how do I get on the roof?" I asked a tiny lady with graying hair.

She was kind of cute actually, even at five foot three, she only came to my waist.

"Hmm, the roof you say?" the old lady rasped, looking like she was about to keel over.

"Yes, the roof please!" I demanded, probably sounding rude, but I hoped she would forgive me considering I was potentially missing a brawl.

Old ladies like brawls, right?

"Well calm down youngster, the roof is just up there."

The old lady pointed up at the ceiling. I resisted the urge to smack a senior citizen.

"Finally!" I screamed, smashing a pair of doors off their hinges as I burst onto the roof.

I looked left. I looked right. No Luffy. No Zoro. Hell, even Nami would be a welcome sight right now. Unfortunately, all I got was...

"You there!" Buggy screamed at me, shoving his big red nose in my face. "Did you think I wouldn't notice you hiding? Get in line with the rest of the crew!"

I blinked twice, letting out a 'meep' as the clown picked me up by my yellow T-shirt and plonked me in line. Why the hell did he think I was part of his crew? Plus, he had put me in a line. I'm British. Lines are my weakness!

"Those impudent fools! They dare to steal and toy with me, huh?" Buggy raged, the whites of his eyes disappearing in anger as he turned to his crew. "Who am I?"

Shit. Better role with it.

"The pirate 'Buggy the Clown', Captain!"

"Bug- pirate, Buggy! Thee Capt- Clown C-Captain!"

I sweat-dropped as the crew members next to me gave me side glances, Buggy himself whirling on me as I finished waayyyy after everyone else.

"You, I don't recognise you. In fact, there were no girls on this crew except that thief!" he screamed at me.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Err… that's 'cus while I was in the bathroom…" Where was I going with this? "Puberty!" I exclaimed, lifting a single finger. For the only thing men would not question in any world was most definitely the topic of puberty. "Yeah, I looked all boyish, but then puberty hit real hard and I err… developed some feminine charms and now you don't recognise me."

"O-oh. You mean you… err, okay."

I sucked in my lips, trying not to laugh over the fact that Buggy the Clown was growing rosy cheeked in pure embarrassment. Meanwhile, his crew were staring at me as if I was an alien creature from the planet Gazorpazorp.

"Now men…" Buggy screamed, freezing as he looked at me.

I snorted. Oh, this was pure gold, and I was going to abuse it to no end. Cue my maniacal laughter as an entire pirate crew sweat-dropped at the insanity that was the female species.

The guy who had spent the afternoon entertaining me as he commanded his lion to do tricks had come back from his mission to destroy Zoro looking quite pitiful. I just watched the scene, intent on finishing my sundae as I shoved another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth as I looked out into Orange Town.

"What did he say?"

"Something about a ru… man?"

The crew whispered amongst themselves, trying to decipher the man's muttering while I quickly made my way over to the vice-captain, my fur collared cape flowing in the wind.

"Rubber man," he managed to croak out, his body sprawled out over the floor as I shoved my foot into his face.

Lion-guy K.O.

"What did you do?" Buggy yelled at me, a vein popping from his head as his mouth hung open in shock.

"I'm so sorry, Captain Buggy," I exclaimed, teary eyed, "but I couldn't stand to see the vice-captain in so much pain!"

"That's our girl!"

"Always looking out for us!"

I gave them a shy smile, tucking my chin into my chest as the crew cried buckets and clutched onto each other at their 'sweet crew member who was finally growing up'.

"Well if that's the case," Buggy smiled, slapping me on the back. "I'll let you fire the Buggy Cannonball!"

Well, shit.

"I couldn't, Captain!" I squeaked, waving my hands in the air for the universal signal for 'no-way-Jose-with-a-cherry-on-top'.

There was no way I was firing that thing when I knew it could destroy an entire village!

"Why not?" Buggy growled, causing me to fidget with my fingers as I tried to come up with a decent excuse.

"Well. I've just fired so many cannonballs around this morning. To do another would be..."

I cut off, sweat-dropping as Buggy the Clown tackled me into an embrace and began to cry over 'the daughter he never had'. I just patted him on the back trying to figure out how someone had managed to outdo me on the weird-o-meter. Between his ragged cries, he shouted out endearment. Unfortunately, that meant I hadn't expected his next order to come from his mouth.

"Fire the Buggy-special cannonball!"

My eye twitched as I watched the entire row of houses collapse to rubble, Buggy releasing me with a slap on the back as my body grew rigid. That was when Mister Poodle Head came to challenge Captain Buggy, his words pissing him off even more than usual. I probably should have been paying more attention, but I was too distracted by a guy shoving a sword down his gullet to follow the story before said man cracked out a unicycle ex-machina to balance on the railing.

"I'm gonna have to ramp up the weirdness to compete with this guy," I sighed, picking up my now empty sundae glass.

I lurched out, slamming the glass to the ground and smiling gleefully when I realised I had captured Buggy's detached hand and most likely prevented an attack on the Poodle Man.

"What are you doing?" Buggy screamed at me.

"Welcome to fatherhood, Captain. These are called the rebellious years," I grinned, yelling when the hand jumped against the glass and sent me sliding across the ground. "Aah… aah, aah."

I yelped, sliding across the rooftop in all the directions that the hand pulled me in before my face hit the railings and it managed to escape back to Buggy's wrist. I blinked, smiling gleefully as I jumped up and waved like a maniac, two-and-a-half loveable idiots coming into view down below.

"Luffy! Senpai! Hey!"

"You!" Buggy growled, eyes narrowing at my crewmates. "So you're the reason my dear daughter is going through her rebellious years! YOU'RE ALL DEAD!"

"Huh," Luffy said blank-faced, cupping his hands over his mouth to shout over to me, "is this guy your dad?"

"He looks nothing like me!" I exclaimed, mouth wide and teeth razor sharp as I stared at the man who looked like a freaking clown for Roger's sake!

"Fire the Buggy-special cannonball! Fire!" Buggy screamed, anger reaching the vein-popping-out-of-your-head stage.

Now I honestly wish I could say I heroically threw myself against the cannon and diverted it from Luffy. However…

I am not strong (yet), so even when I attempted to push the cannon the only thing that moved were my legs against the ground as if I was on a treadmill.

Luffy is made of rubber so the damn thing wouldn't hurt him anyway.

My actions were completely selfish because I knew said cannonball was going to come straight back for me - and it sure as hell was going to hurt!

Hence, I ended up throwing myself off the building screaming "SAVE ME, SENPAI!" before Zoro just let me crash into the ground about two feet from his position, the golden crown that had been resting on top of my pom-pom hat rolling away.

Quite unnoticed, a slender hand grabbed it, stuffing the golden crown away for her cause.

"Why, senpai?" I choked, my body twitching.

"It'll toughen you up. You'll thank me later," was all Zoro said in explanation.

"Any normal person would have died!" Nami yelled, mouth wide with her fists clenched at her side.

"Nami said I wasn't normal! I'm so happy," I cried, eyes sparkling as I shot right back up, clutching my palms against my rosy cheeks.

That was when I noticed the lion-guy flying towards us.

"Batter up," I grinned, bringing out the plank of wood that was currently my weapon from the back pocket of my black shorts.

I took my position, tongue hung out in concentration before bringing my hand to my shoulder and swinging with full force so that the lion-guy went flying into the distance. I was right next to Zoro in an instant as he watched the guy fly with a tilt of his head.

"You coulda got a couple more feet if you'd twisted into the swing," Zoro informed me, causing me to sit in a corner, head hung in shame of my senpai's displeasure.

"You guys are all idiots!" Nami screamed.

Fight notes:

- The ability to breath fire is awesome. Learn for next fight.

- Cutting one's self is badass.

"No it's not. Don't write that down!" Nami yelled, whacking the pen from my hand.

- Zoro is really cute when he sleeps but definitely knows the difference between someone bandaging his wounds and someone trying to draw a moustache on his face.

- Thank Luffy for not getting angry when I stole his hat that one time - scary.

- Kicking in the nuts is a legitimate fighting technique.

- Luffy has a foot fetish.

- Nami's into bondage.

I looked up, sweat dropping as Nami hovered over me like a shinigami came to claim my life. Three head injuries and one snapped pen later, I decided to stop taking notes.

"Alright, Nami! Meet my crew!" Luffy grinned, pointing to Zoro and then me respectively as we sat side by side within the two small ships, having now set sail from Orange Town. "This is Roronoa Zoro, my swordsman, and this is… this is… what's your name?"

Luffy tilted his head, giving me a puzzled look as he crouched before me.

"You're telling me you have a crew of two and you don't even remember one of their names!" Nami yelled, smacking Luffy on the head.

"I haven't really decided yet either," I shrugged, shoulders twitching to shift my yellow T-shirt slightly.

"What do you mean, you haven't decided yet? Don't you have a name?" Nami inquired, lifting an eyebrow at me as she crossed her arms.

"Let's call her Steve!" Luffy grinned, planting a clenched fist against his palm like a judge's ruling.

"You can't call a girl Steve, you idiot!" Nami hissed.

"I like it!" I chirped, causing Nami's frightful face to turn on me as I waved my palms at her to convey peace. "Err, I mean I like the end part, call me Eve! Savage T. Eve!"

"Well, I guess that's a little…" Nami sighed before his eye twitched slightly. "That's still S-T-Eve!"

"I wonder why that clown guy never gave his daughter a name," Luffy asked, poking a finger into his ear and twisting it about.

"THAT GUY IS NOT MY FATHER!" I screamed for what felt like the hundredth time.

"Why were you even with him in the first place?" Zoro asked, cracking open an eyelid from his slumber.

"He thought I was part of his crew. It was so strange, but he did buy me ice cream, so," I shrugged.

"Your kidding, right?" Nami dead-panned, pointing to my forehead.

"What? Do I have a bug in my hair?" I panicked, shaking my head like a dog whilst screaming: "get it off, get it off, get it off!"

"No, you idiot, your hat has his Jolly Roger on it," Nami revealed, face-palming.

"Ooooohhh, that makes so much sense!" I said, enlightened as I pulled the pom-pom hat from my golden locks and pouted at it. "Damn, I really liked this hat."

"Idiots," Nami breathed, shaking her head. "I'm surrounded by idiots."

A/N: And so the insanity continues! Also shout-out to Moresi who read this madness and actually liked it! *presses palms to my cheeks whilst covered in a pink-hue*