Chapter 2: Shadows of the Past

My mother went like that. She fell and died in haste, descending the mountain, saying she couldn't leave me alone at home, even as a shower was falling near the summit.

The hunters found my mother and brought her to the village, and the village chief conducted a hasty funeral.

I did nothing. Everyone ignored me. As if it were an adult's affair and a child had no rights.

As if what was in that wretched coffin was not our mother Melia Roba, but something else.

The village adults conducted the funeral on their own, cremated, and put the ashes in a jar. They only put me in the front row to watch it all.

The village chief handed me the urn of ashes, and I didn't understand his words right away because it was so heavy that my knees wobbled.

"Where will you go?"

"...."

"Where will you go, Lorisha?"

I opened my eyes wide and spoke. It seemed like my eyelids wouldn't burn if I put all my strength into my face.

"...Home."

"What?"

"Home...."

I ran home with that heavy urn of ashes.

'Where else would I go! You old fool who would freeze to death.'

An adult's arm grabbed me, but the village chief stopped them. Just let her go.

The setting sun was blazing red. I thought I must not drop this heavy jar, what would happen to our mother if I did, I must not fall, I must go home before night. That was all that was in my head.

I was scared and disliked the hissing, hissing, unfamiliar breathing sound from my throat, but I couldn't stop.

"Mother. Mother. Mom.... Mom!"

Returning to the shack, I lay down in front of the cold fireplace, holding my mother's urn, still warm.

She said she'd definitely come home. That she'd definitely come back to me.... She asked me to believe. And I did....

I believed my mom, only my mom.

Damn it. Now I don't believe Mom. I don't believe anyone.

I was ten years old then.

(This is a time separator.)

I must have been near death in front of that fireplace. A vague memory remains of someone lifting me up and moving me, the sensation of my body shaking in a carriage.

When I recovered my strength, nursed by a grandmother's maid in some mansion, a blonde, dignified middle aged nobleman visited me.

He just looked at me with moist, soaked eyes. Seeing the large signet ring on his middle finger, he was a high ranking nobleman. But what did he want with me?

I spoke first, feeling awkward.

"I'm Lorisha. Lorisha Roba."

He coughed as if choked and then said.

"You are Lorisha Roard."

"...."

"I am Heliden Roard, Earl, your father."

I barely gathered my wits and responded.

"No, I'm not."

This time his pupils wavered.

"Do you have another father..., from your mother?"

"No."

I answered firmly. I didn't want to let this man talk about my mother in this strange way, even if he was a nobleman.

"I don't have anything like a father. My mother doesn't have anything like a husband. If there had been, we wouldn't have lived like this."

I thought then that the man's face looked as if he had been stabbed with a knife.

"I'll take care of you now."

Why did that make me so angry?

My mother is already dead, and he appears only now!

I burst into tears. It was the first time I had completely lost control.

When I came to, I was sobbing in his arms.

Nobles only speak in elegant terms and don't listen to vulgar things.

So, I thought if I swore at him, I could drive this nobleman away. Whether he was frightened or disgusted, I thought he'd leave, waving his hand.

But he hugged me so tightly that I couldn't breathe, and maybe he was crying a little too, so I thought maybe he really was my father.

That didn't change anything, though.

He only let go of me after my breathing had calmed.

"Lorisha flower. That's my favorite flower, you know."

I was incredulous.

This person named me after his favorite flower? Mother. If you're listening, let's talk about this.

I stared at him, realizing that his bright blond hair, green eyes, eye shape, and facial contours were quite similar to mine.

Even at that young age, I vaguely knew how cruel this was.

What did our mother think every day, seeing me, who resembled that man, after giving birth to a noble's child and having to live in hiding?

He named me after his favorite flower, and he must have said I was beautiful, looking at my face, resembling his.

Wasn't that so? So did he lie? Saying he would come back and then not coming, did he abandon me? Because I resemble my father?

As I thought that, it felt like a lump of fire was gathering in my chest.

"Why did you abandon my mother?"

What did the hateful question of a ten year old girl feel like to him?

"You don't need to say it. Butcher Colin is also a child born from his mother being seduced by a nobleman when she was young. She was a maid back then."

When I spoke mockingly, the Earl's eyes trembled with shock. I was pleased that my attack had worked then, but now I know that wasn't the case.

He must have been disappointed and horrified by how Melria had raised her daughter.

"Watch your mouth, Lorisha."

I never heard such a stern command in my life.

Only then did I realize that I was dealing with someone completely different from myself.

But I had already ranted enough, and I thought all that remained was to be dragged away by his servant and beaten.

But then he firmly said,

"I never abandoned Melria. She ran away, and though I set people to find her, they couldn't. I didn't know you existed."

He showed me mother's silk ribbon. He said that the bouquet of Lorisha flowers tied with that ribbon was delivered, and he tracked the sender to find me here.

That ribbon, the only luxury item my mother owned, was a gift he had given her.

He said,

"Melria wanted me to take you in."

(This is a time separator.)

The Earl took me to his villa. He said a girl's room with pink furniture against white walls was mine. I was just stunned.

A few days later, a home tutor came. An unmarried middle aged woman with a lot of brown hair skillfully tied up.

"I'm Julia."

I asked quite haughtily to appear unimpressed on our first meeting.

"You're a home tutor?"

"Yes. You seem to know exactly what that is, Roar ma'am."

"What's a home tutor?"

She looked at me with a subtle expression, then spoke in surprise.

"That's a good question! What kind of person do you want a home tutor to be, Roar ma'am? Is there something you want to learn?"

"Urazil. I asked first."

As I mumbled, her eyes hardened. But she strived to keep a calm face and asked,

"Ura... zil? What does that mean?"

I opened my eyes wide.

"Urazil is Urazil, what does it mean? Come to think of it, that's strange. What kind of teacher doesn't know Urazil? Then you probably don't know plague either?"

"...."

She quietly closed the door and left, and I laughed in triumph.

She was utterly defeated by such a mild word.

I found out through her that I didn't know the true meaning of many vulgar words I used, but I didn't care.

Swearing is a way to show how bad I am. 'I can't stand her!' is the reaction swearing aims for. Just as Teacher Julia did just now.

So, words like 'Urazil' or 'plague' have no real meaning.

Shortly after, Teacher Julia returned with a large book. She slammed it down on the desk and said,

"This is the imperial language dictionary compiled by the Tagar Royal Family. Shall we look up 'Urazil' here?"

What is she talking about?

"A dictionary is a book that collects the precise meanings of words. Can you read?"

"Of course."

My mother did not leave me that ignorant. I must know how to read so as not to be cheated when settling accounts at the pharmacy.

"But did His Majesty the Emperor write all this?"

"He didn't do it himself. Scholars from the Imperial household wrote it. They are in the academy. Do you know the Imperial Academy?"

As I shook my head vigorously, she spoke nonchalantly, flipping through the dictionary.

"Let's look up 'Urazil' first."

I unwittingly followed where her fingertips pointed, bowing my head.

She explained that the words in the dictionary were listed in a specific order.

"Here it is. Urazil. Hmm, a light curse wishing something terrible on someone, like being dragged off to prison. Did Lord Roar wish me to go to prison?"

I shook my head vigorously in surprise.

"No, I just wished you would leave the room, not go to prison for no reason. That's really wrong!"

Julia, the teacher, opened her eyes wide at my bewildered self and said,

"So, Lord Roar disagrees with the scholars of the Imperial Academy?"

"Yes, it's different!"

I affirmed vigorously at first. I didn't want Julia, the teacher, to believe something I didn't do.

"They just say anything..."

"Hmm. The academy wouldn't be such a strange place... Do you want to look here?"

She brought another book and spread out a large organizational chart.

"Here at the top is His Majesty, and below is the Empress's palace, then the princes and princesses' palaces... The academy is under the direct control of the administrative body here."

She also explained about the Count. The Count was a great man called 'the Empire's third lion.'

That title meant the protector of the Tagar royal family, symbolized by the lion crest, meaning that His Majesty trusted him absolutely.

The first lion was a duke who controlled several powerful knight orders, and the second lion had died long ago, but His Majesty cherished him and left his place empty.

Ten year old Lorisha Roar was simply fooled.

(This is a time separator.)

Perhaps the few months I spent at the Count's villa were the most peaceful time in my life.

But that was as much happiness as a bastard could enjoy.

One afternoon, playing in the garden with Julia, a carriage arrived.

But what alighted from the carriage was not the Count but a beautiful red haired lady.

"Countess!"

Julia's surprised voice seemed not to reach her.

She asked me with cold eyes,

"Are you the flower?"

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This novel has been translated up to chapter 100.

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