115

He falls silent. There are no new tears falling now—just a little redness in his eyes.

"I don't think I've ever really told you, but…when I was in middle school, I had a few really close friends. We used to hang out all the time, pretty much inseparable. I'd never had a lot of friends before that, and I guess I was…pretty insecure. I assumed they were all gonna decide they didn't actually like me. So I tried to be, like, wild and funny all the time. I would get into trouble at school sometimes because I was trying to make them laugh or whatever, and it wasn't ever anything huge, but I felt like I had to keep impressing them. So, like…one time, I kind of dared myself to steal something. I don't even know what it was—but when I did it, they all seemed so blown away by it. I thought it was so cool that they thought I was this person that would do anything, so I kept doing it."

He takes a moment to swallow and clear his throat.

"I stole little stuff for them at first, just as gifts. But then I wanted to see if I could get away with stealing bigger stuff. I had to keep impressing them. And I got away with that, too. But…then I started trying to get them to steal stuff. I guess I thought they must want to be like me if they like me so much. But none of them ever really wanted to. And after that, it seemed like they were kind of getting tired of me stealing stuff all the time, so suddenly I was terrified again that they didn't want to be my friends. We were almost finishing middle school by then, so I basically thought I was gonna be alone after that. So…we were over at my one friend's house one time when I was fourteen, and I decided—we should try and steal my friend's dad's car."

There's a moment of silence. Tobias's eyes are practically invisible under his hair.

"We barely even got out of the driveway before he caught us. I was in the driver's seat, so it was obviously my idea, but all my friends got in trouble as well. The guy whose house we were at was banned from ever seeing me again—not that my parents would have let me see him, either. I tried to see the other ones a couple of times in secret, but they didn't even want to be around me anymore. They basically thought I was just an asshole that wanted to get them into trouble, and everything I did to try and impress them was just obnoxious. It wasn't just what I did, it was that I tried to get them involved, too. I tried to, like, bring them down with me—like maybe they wouldn't be too good for me if I got them to do this stuff too. And my parents…they knew I got in trouble sometimes at school, but they never knew anything about the stealing. When they found out, it was like they were suddenly looking at a totally different person that they didn't know anymore. They were devastated—like they'd had this idea of who I could be and then I killed it. And ever since then it's like I've been trying to rebuild it, but…I don't know if it's really me they want. They want a kid with good friends and good grades and—a future. A kid that goes to art class instead of just drawing in my room. But I'm not like that. And sometimes it's like they think I'm doing it on purpose—like I'm being lazy—when really I'm just tired, and I just want to do something that makes me happy. I don't want to have to worry about failing at art as well."

All you hear for a while is the clinking of chains, and Tobias fidgeting with his hands. As you try to take in what he's just told you—as you try to absorb all the words and emotions that seem to have been piling on top of each other for years—you think back to your first night in Silvertree, and the reserved, apprehensive Tobias who met you in front of your house. You realize that a lot of what he's said just now sounds very much like some of the things he told you then. "My parents are always talking about me" comes to mind.

One thing is clear: all of this has been in his head for a long time. It just seems like it's only now that it's starting to come out.

Eventually, he sniffs again and turns his red eyes onto yours.

"I know it's not like there's no reason they don't trust me. But like…I've tried so hard just to be better. Shouldn't they see that by now?"