90. Recoil

(1) For anyone who missed it, I posted another outtake chapter in Sweetest Words last week. And (2) for the sake of this fic, we're going to pretend Bracken has been taken down by early 2014

Recoil

"Keep going?" Castle murmured.

Kate shrugged. She had the day off. She had nowhere to be. And she really had no desire to change out of her pajamas, unless it involved climbing into the shower with Castle. Or back into bed with him.

"Kate."

She startled, cheeks flushing as she realized she'd been more than a little caught up in reliving last night. And this morning, technically, considering that round three happened somewhere around five a.m.

"Hmmm?" she asked.

"I lost you for a second there."

She bit her lip, smirked to herself. If only he knew how much time her mind spent picturing the two of them naked.

"Sorry, just... thinking," she offered, giving nothing away.

"Anything I can help with?"

Kate shook her head. He'd helped plenty with that last night.

From the way Castle's arms tightened around her, fingers dancing dangerously close to the underside of her bra, she had a feeling he knew exactly where her mind had gone.

"Come on," Kate spoke softly, covered her hand with his on her ribs, squeezing gently. "Let's read some more."

He lifted his other hand to cover hers, sandwiching it between his, and she nudged his temple with her own, sighed contentedly. There was just something about lazy days with Castle and his words that she could never get enough of.

With her free hand she reached down to flip the page, smoothed down the edges as her eyes began tracing the neatly-scrawled patterns of black ink.

Dear Kate,

I don't even know what to think anymore. This whole situation has gotten so complicated, in more ways than one. At this point, I don't know where I stand. This case is wrapped up in so many secrets and lies and it's only a matter of time before it all unravels. I already had to lie to Gates yesterday when she overheard your interrogation with McManus. She asked if what you said to him was true and I told her no, because what else could I say, really? But I think she has her suspicions. I think she knows there's more to this than she understands, and I have a feeling she's going to find out eventually. Then what happens?

I know there's a lot that's been said between you and Bracken about which I have no idea. Considering that you're both still alive and there are no new injuries, I can only assume that things were handled in a civil manner. Which is good, because I'm really not a fan of your life being in any more danger than it already is. But that doesn't mean I like it.

I know you struggled during this case. I know you were waging an internal battle about which road to take. I'm proud of you for handling it the way you did, for doing the right thing instead of the thing that you and I both wanted to do. So damn proud. Personally, I'm not sure I'd have been able to make the same decisions. I'm not sure what that says about me. Maybe I'm not as morally straight as I like to think I am. Maybe that's why I'm just a writer and not a cop, because in my books I can end things the way I want and not actually be dubbed a murderer.

"Castle," Kate whispered, lifting her eyes momentarily.

He hummed his acknowledgement.

"You're not 'just a writer,'" she assured him. "You could never be just a writer."

"But I am," he protested. "It's what I've spent my life doing."

"I know," she agreed, nodding slowly. "I know. But you make it sound so insignificant and it's not. Not when your words have reached millions of people. Not when they change lives. Or save lives."

He shrugged complacently. "I guess."

She swiveled around on the bar stool again, gently touched his chin to guide his eyes to hers. "I don't just guess, Castle. I know. I know what power your words can have."

He smiled, touched by her reassurance, but it did nothing to assuage the underlying struggle he'd faced in the aftermath of this case as he fought with the reality of how passionately he wanted Bracken dead. How he wrestled with the realization that in Kate's position, he probably wouldn't have been able to make the right decision.

It was all moot at this point but it still haunted him at times, how willing he'd been to sit back and let the bomb go off, let the real murderer get away because Bracken would have been dead.

"Come on," he urged, slipped his chin off her finger and dropped his eyes back to the page. He really just did not want to think about this right now.

Kate hesitated, debated saying more, but Castle's eyes were already flitting back and forth across the page again and it was evident he was done discussing the matter for now.

She turned back around, rested one elbow on the counter, chin in her hand, and picked up where she left off.

Either way, I do know that I wish the bomb had gone off sooner or that we hadn't figured it out so quickly because Bracken doesn't deserve to live to see another day. He's killed numerous people and he deserves to pay.

I know your quick thinking yesterday saved thousands of innocent lives. I just wish he hadn't been one of them.

We're getting closer to getting him. I know we are. With every little thing that comes up, I can feel us getting closer and closer. It's like you said; if we're patient enough, he's bound to slip up and when he does, we'll be ready. I just wish we'd been able to put this all to rest yesterday. I know I sound hypocritical because I was the one telling you to walk away from this case last year. But even when you did, it came right back to us with a vengeance and now we can't get away from it even if we try.

I know you, Kate. I know that no matter how much distance you attempt to put between yourself and this case it's still going to be there. It's still going to be hanging over your head, a constant reminder of all that you've lost and all that you've never been able to find.

I know that bringing him to justice won't bring back what you've lost, but hopefully it will bring you some sort of peace. Which is why we need to bring him down, once and for all.

I hope someday soon you trust me enough to tell me exactly what was said and done between the two of you. I hope you're willing to tell me everything you know, because I want to help you. I want to be by your side every step of the way.

I said it the other night and I'll say it again; you're remarkable, Kate. I constantly admire the voracity with which you fight for what's good and right. The way your faith in what you do is so unwavering. Even the way you struggled through this one, because it means that even though you very easily could have taken Bracken down or sat back and watched him get blown up, you still felt that underlying concern for the victims of this case. You put that above your own need for justice.

I don't know many people who would have made that decision.

You're extraordinary, Kate, and I'm going to keep telling you that until you believe it.

Love,

Rick

Kate released a long, slow breath as she finished reading, dropped her head into both hands.

"How do I always manage to mess things up so badly?" she asked in a low voice.

"You didn't," he answered firmly. "You did the right thing."

She breathed out a heavy sigh, and Castle stepped around to her side, slipped one arm around her waist while the other guided her to his chest. She lifted her head from her hands, freeing her arms to wrap around him as she rested her head against the soft muscles below his collarbone. He dipped his chin to rest his cheek against the top of her head, brushed a soft kiss against her forehead.

Kate smiled against him, held him that much tighter.

Thoughts?