Chapter 16

* Harper *

I hadn't seen Gabriel since our last class together, and he had left me with a lot on my plate. He did deserve an answer, it had been a month. He was just as entitled to answers and support from me as I was from him. And I felt my mind race, and it was honestly a battle between my head and my heart. I needed to figure out which one would win. My heart wanted to accept him back. I needed him and he needed me, there was no getting around that. We were connected there was something between us that we had not fully explored. Killing it now would alter our lives.

For better?

For worse?

Did I really want to find out? I paced in my room, dinner was ready I could smell the food but my stomach was so tied in knots that I couldn't even think about eating. A knock on the door brought me out of my thoughts of the future and I opened the door and it was the blonde girl. She forced her way in, and I felt angry at her interruption did she now know that my life was in the middle of a balancing act? Walking into my room she looked around and she didn't seem too impressed. Her icy blue eyes landed on me, and while they looked pissed, I didn't couldn't find it in me to care. I had bigger fish to fry. Her pretty mouth turned into a sneer as she regarded me.

"You will ruin him. Let him go. He deserves better than you could ever give him." She tracked over my body I could feel her judgment. I was taken back by the sudden hostility and then the shock wore away and I wanted to hit this girl. I could beat her seven ways to Sunday and there would be zero things that she would be able to do about it. I took a step forward and then stopped. It wouldn't change anything, it wouldn't make my stress go away, it would not help the fact that Gabriel and I were in limbo, the worse part was that I was the jailer holding the keys to getting us out.

"You don't know the first thing about him." I walked to the door and opened it inviting her to leave, I didn't even want her to come inside in the first place. But she wasn't wrong.

"And you are right, he does deserve better. Better than me and sure as hell better than you." She walked out and I shut the door before anything else she could say anything else.

Was I ruining him?

Was that even possible?

I turned away from the door getting my clothes out for bed I slid into my old flannel pants and the shirt that I still had from Gabe. I brushed out my hair and let it hang down over my shoulder. I sat at my desk tucking into my homework. I shut the book after 15 minutes of forcing myself to focus. Sleeping on matters always helped, everything would seem less serious after a good long sleep if I could get a good long sleep that is. Nightmares have made that almost impossible now. Making sure my hair was pulled up into a messy bun on top of my head and I felt emotionally worn, and physically tired as well. There wasn't a knock on the door, but there was someone at my door. I knew it was Gabe, he wanted to talk. He just didn't know how to knock because he wasn't sure he wanted to know my answer. Truthfully I didn't have one for him, but I knew it was him because his mind would forever reach to mine when he wasn't consciously minding it. I could leave him out there, to let him think it over and make sure this is what he really wanted. I wasn't sure the answer I would give him. I opened the door and his hand was in the middle of knocking and he blinked at me and cleared his throat. He was trying so hard to lock down his emotion so they wouldn't show on his face or in his eyes.

"We still need to talk." I looked at him and I felt a wave of affection roll through my heart and brain. I moved aside and he walked into my room. I shut the door and laid back against it and he shoved his hands deep in his pockets.

"Have you given it any thought Harper?" I felt my own heart clench at the nervousness and awkwardness between us. There has been a time when we would move together. Unconsciously we would react to a threat in time together, but something had thrown us offbeat, the break and the beast the hid inside of me.

I walked over to him and put a hand on his chest. His heartbeat like mine did, fluttering like a hummingbird tapping the petal of a flower. It was also just an excuse to be able to touch him again in case this discussion went south. I searched for the words that would express every emotion that sang through my veins.

"Gabe...I know that we belong together. And I really do appreciate your willingness to give me space." Yea that was a good start, I wanted to let him know that I acknowledged our relationship and our bond.

"And I have been selfish, I'm sorry. That was cruel and unfair of me, you deserve more than that." He waited and I wasn't even sure what I wanted to tell him, there were too many emotions. I just needed to express...my mouth opened and closed a couple of times and I looked away shallowing. Trying to clear the lump in my throat, and the tears that stung behind my eyes. This wasn't going to solve anything!

"Harper you don't have to cry, I didn't mean to upset you." His arms came up around my waist and pulled me to him. His fawn-colored wings circled around me and here was the place in the world that I was able to relax, nothing would take me here. His cheek rested on top of my head, and I let my walls fall down and just feel for him. The love that I had fought to hide, the affection that hit me almost every time I looked at him. The way I cuddled into his shirt and almost bawled my eyes out when it didn't smell like him anymore. His arms tightened around me as this information settled into his mind. I felt him dig in a little bit and I rushed to cover the reason we had taken a break in the first place.

"You don't have to hide from me," He couldn't see the beast, he wouldn't love her. But it was too late, he was aware of the burning need, the drive that pushed me every day and he moved back not letting go of me, but wanting to see my eyes. I felt myself being afraid to meet his eyes, what if I saw rejection there? How would I handle it?

If he didn't accept me it would change my entire life, everything would be different.

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you." His thumbs stroked my face and I closed my eyes truly feeling comforted for the first time in a while. And tears slipped silently out of the corners of my eyes.

This was Gabriel, of course, he would accept me. No matter what.

"You don't have to isolate yourself. Look at me, please Harper. Let me back in. We can help each other, we can make this work. Give us that second chance, please." His green eyes pleaded with me. I would take over the world for those eyes. All he had to do was ask, and I closed my eyes. It was as simple as saying yes, but why did I hesitate? Just say yes, Harper. It's not that hard, everything doesn't have to be a fight.

I opened my mouth and let the words just find their way out.

"Okay. You were right anyway, earlier today. If the roles had been reversed it would not have been pretty." He chuckled lightly and pressed a kiss to my forehead. He had known this to be a fact.

"I am a jealous kind of guy, it would have most definitely not been pretty." I laughed and felt really relaxed for the first time in weeks, truly happy. It was like clicking the light on after a scary movie and seeing familiar chairs and walls. Knowing you're safe and nothing is going to hurt or take you.

"I thought you preferred the term protective." With a shrug of a single shoulder, he smiled warmly at me.

"Protective...jealous...I really don't see a difference. Tomorrow I'll run with you. We can leave the weights. I would like to just see how you push yourself and see if we can improve it. If you feel that is something you would like to do." He was offering help and companionship. And the love that I needed. But not pushing it on me, he was willing to give me the space I thought I needed. But the longer I was in his arms the less space I wanted.

"Are you waiting still? Do you need time Harper?" I shook my head and stepped away from him. Being so close would skew my judgment. I needed to be honest with myself. DID I still need time? Space? No. My world was off-balance, it was getting more and more noticeable with every passing day. And I would burn myself out if I continued down the path I was on right now. I needed to find balance, and that is what Gabriel was. Balance. He helped me to achieve that.

"I want us to be together, I want to go with you on the weekends and see your family. I want you to be there in my mind. But there is the need—" I didn't know how to explain it. I wanted to be at his side for the rest of my life. I didn't care who told me not to. But then again they had used me to hurt him once and I didn't know if I could make it through that again. Knowing he would be a weak spot for me was what cause me to pause. It is what caused me to hesitate. He was vulnerable, but in another way, he wasn't. He was in training just like I was, he was going to become a guardian too, he wasn't a weak spot in my armor.

"We will get better—together. We will train, both be ready for whatever comes at us next. Ready as a team, you can't do everything alone Harper. Every Guardian stationed has a partner. Please let me be there for you." I looked back at him and I could feel the urgency on him, see it in his eyes. He wanted me to say yes, to allow him to help me. But did I want the help was the question? There was something else, I couldn't put my finger on. He wanted me back, anyway, he could have me. It didn't matter if the parameters around our relationship had changed. Any relationship was better than nothing, but I wouldn't allow him to settle like that.

"Gabe—" I started but didn't know how to make the words come out. He almost instantly thought I was going to deny him, he rushed to cut me off.

"Harper please I can help." His eyes pleaded with me trying to get me to understand we were better together. I already knew that there was nothing I couldn't do with him by my side.

"Gabe--you have to understand...I don't know if things can be the way they were before." He shook his head. Rolling his eyes in a way that was reminded me so much of his little sister.

"I am not naive, nothing stays the same forever. I know that everything grows, changes. Evolves, it has to. Nothing can survive in the same state forever and this is no different. We are no different. There are going to be times when we fight like cats and dogs when we hurt each other feelings, but never for a second do I want you to think that I don't want you." The small smile on his face was full of hope. My brain thought back to the girl in my room, and before I could lock down the image and memory, he saw it.

I know he did because the brief haziness in his eyes was unmistakable.

"Tell me you don't believe that to be true?" His eyes looked at me questioning and on the edge of angry. But honestly, I didn't think he had a right to be angry, he had a right to stay out of my mind unless invited.

"First of all, boundaries you aren't just allowed all access to my mind at all times. Secondly which part? About her not being good enough for you? I almost 10,000,00% believe that." He gave me an exasperated smile.

"No silly. About you not being good enough, you are. You are so much more than a half-demon deserves." I frowned after learning that he was indeed a true half-breed he hadn't been as keen to admit that he deserved the same attention and affection as a full-blood angel did. It was a sore subject between us. I opened my mouth to make an old argument and he cut me off.

"I know, that's not what we are discussing right now," He waved a hand at the subject and I moved away from him towards my window. I looked out at the leaves, starting to turn and fall from the trees.

"Harper...please--" He sounded so lost, and it was heartbreaking. Who was going to win? My brain or my heart? Which one would shout the loudest?

"Gabe--we can't--" He pulled on his hair and started to pace. Why did he always think the worst? Also, why was he so impatient this was hard to get out, it wasn't going to just roll off my tongue in a fully formed sentence. He was already on a roll now, it was best to just let him talk and get it out of his system, it would do no good to try and talk over him.

"What do you mean we can't? Can't or won't Harper? Because I am standing here with my heart wrapped in a bow for you, waiting for you to take it and it's starting to get a little cold...I understanding time, space. Everyone needs those things, and lord knows you haven't led me on in the slightest with your actions or your words. And I'm not pointing the finger, but your mind calls to me, your hearts yearns for me, as mine does for you. I can hear it singing to me at night, it can feel your need as strongly as I feel my own. Don't stand there and tell me that you can't be with me because you want to protect me!" He was pacing the length of the room making angry emotions with his hands. He was on a roll now, it was good to just let him get it all out in the open.

"Or that don't want me to see the darker side of you. News flash baby I've seen it. I've seen it when we spar in class, or when you feel cornered. I've seen it in your eyes and it hurts my heart that it's there. That I wasn't able to protect you from that man, or what they did to you. I've seen the abuse they did. I've lived through it in your memories." I held my tongue waiting for him to be finished with his rant. As utterly heartbreaking as it was to watch him sink into this rant it just helped my heart to scream louder than my brain.

"Gabriel! Stop, don't cut me off. Please, this is hard enough to get out as it is without you going on a tangent about something that isn't coming to be." He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. The mask that he had put on when he first came had crumbled when he went on his rant and he fumbled to try and pick up the pieces. To make his face conceal his pain. He turned to ask me a single question.

"Is it to remain friends?" I looked at his eyes and as much as he tried to conceal his hurt and disappointment, it made my heart hurt with how much he tried to hide his pain.

"There is something between us Gabe. Something stronger I don't know what it is, and we are still young." Although it sounded strange to say. Being just freshly turned 19 I didn't know everything about life. But a part of me could feel that the connection and knew it was meant for something more than just a young adult fling.

"This is something in time that is just going to get stronger," He waited, I could tell he wanted to interrupt me but he didn't dare.

"If you agree to this--whatever it is between us. I don't believe I will be able to let you go again." He took a step towards me and opened his arms without a moment's hesitation.

"I am not a child Harper. I am ready..." I stepped into his arms and tipped my face up to look at him and his green eyes set the butterflies into flight in my stomach. And his lips closed over mine, and my arms came up over his shoulders and my fingers tangled into his hair.

"We are supposed to be here...together." He whispered against my lips and I smiled. Feeling truly whole since Christmas break.

"Do you think your mom would let me come home with you this weekend?" I looked sheepishly at my feet and he chuckled.

"I think if I told her we ended our break and I didn't bring you home, I would be in more trouble than if I had robbed a bank." I smiled and he pulled out his phone and called his mom.

"Hey sweetie--is something wrong? Is Harper okay?" The worry in her voice made my heart feel so full. Like a second family.

"Nothing is wrong mom, yes she is just fine." I heard his mom give a sigh of relief and waited for her son to get to the point.

"Okay, then what's up?"

"We have decided to end our break--she would like to spend the weekend--" A loud squeal sounded from the other side of the phone. One I am pretty sure the whales in the ocean could hear.

"You bring her home! She is probably in need of a good homecooked meal--skin and bones last time I had the chance to see her--I have so much to get done-" She didn't even say good-bye she just hung up the phone and Gabe smiled at his phone.

"I told you. My mother loves you more than she loves me. You don't have to ask, you could just show up and she would kick me out to make room for you." I felt like his family was more my family than mine was. Everything was right for a moment, my world wasn't off its axis anymore and the beast inside was tamed in his arms. Content to just let me be and enjoy this moment.