The First Night

The first night for the three of us was odd as fuck.

I cooked instant ramen for the three of us and we sat at the dining table eating them without saying anything. I knew it was because Sayna was here. I was terrified with guilt every time I saw her that I could not even make a passing attempt at a little chit-chat.

Shu looked in a surprisingly good mood and in much better health than I feared, but he still wasn't saying anything, which was a big contrast from how we reacted when we first saw each other again by the door. I didn't think that Shu was unhappy with Sayna being here, but more like there was a big cloud of gloom over our table and Shu was a kid at the table who didn't know what to say in front of two parents that were not talking to each other.

I had to say something. Well, this has to happen at some point.

"Right-. We need to think about room arrangement"

Neither of them spoke.

"Shu, you keep your room, and … Sayna will take my room"

"What about you?", Shu asked.

"I'll sleep on the couch for now. I have been doing that for the past weeks anyway"

"You can stay in my room. We have some extra futon"

"No. It's okay. Both of you need good rest. Don't mind me and make yourselves at home - again, for you Shu"

"Alright. If you say so", Shu just shrugged his shoulder but Sayna kept quiet.

I then got up and moved Sayna's luggage by the door to my room and just took out some underwear, home clothes, and a towel from my room to the living room so I can later take a shower and get changed and stuff. Man, I haven't washed for two weeks.

"Sayna…? The room's ready for you"

She just got up quietly without acknowledging me and walked into her room

After she closed the door I asked Shu,

"Psst-, what's going on here, Shu?"

"Beats me. I only found out today that she's coming to us"

"She looks like she hates us"

"More like she hates you"

"Fuck, man. That hurts. This is bad"

"Detective's right though. You can't just shut the door on her and abandon her"

"No, I could never do that to her"

"Well…. If I may say so, give her some time. Just leave her alone and give her some time"

"You are right, but how long?"

"Just cheer up, Boh. If you are down here then everyone's feeling down"

:sigh:

"Hey", I called Shu.

"What now?"

"Welcome home"

I extended my arm with a fist held towards him. He gave me a chuckle and tapped his fist on mine.

Sayna didn't come out of her room after dinner, to the extent I was starting to worry if she was alright. But I thought better of it and decided not to go over and check on her.

I guess we were all knackered, and although it was great to see Shu again it was emotionally draining. We took turns to take a shower and said good night. Shu walked into his room and I lay on the couch. It was the first time in ages that I could fall asleep without a lengthy struggle.

I was woken up in the middle of the night as I felt like something brushed against my face, and I did well to hold myself back from making a big noise when I realized that Sayna was laying right next to me on the couch. She wasn't holding me or anything, but she just laid next to me with her body pressed against mine, and from what I could tell she was sound asleep.

When did she get here? Then when I thought about it, I realized maybe Sayna too has been lonely and scared the whole time since the incident. She may have been safe at the hospital, but those long sleepless nights must have been unbearable for her, worse than it was for me. I felt a pang in my heart, as I thought that she must hate me so much now, yet she is so desperately in need of human comfort that she comes to lay next to me in the middle of the night.

I just closed my eyes and pretended I didn't notice, and surprisingly, I fell asleep again soon too.

The same thing happened the next night, and then the night after. I woke up three nights in a row to find Sayna sleeping next to me on the cramped couch. The couch could be extended to form a small bed, but it was still small even for one person. Should I tell her to stop? But I couldn't bear to push her away. It was a deadly mixture of sympathy and guilt.

On the fourth night though, I actually woke up to a rustling sound and saw Sayna approaching me on the couch again. Although we were in the dark, Sayna realized I saw her and I realized she saw me too. She stopped dead on her spot for a few seconds and then walked over to me. She lay next to me again, without saying a word, and closed her eyes.

I guess my lack of objection was a tacit permission given to her. Since then, she always came out of her room and came to me sometime after Shu goes to bed. We did this every night. Just laying side by side. Not saying anything. Not touching each other. Just feeling the comforting warmth of a human that was not hostile. Shu never saw us as he tended to go to sleep early and come out of his room late the next day, and the couch in the living room was situated in a way that was not visible on the way to the toilet on the other end of the house. But it was never going to stay secret like that forever though when people are living together.

"Hey, Boh"

"Whassup"

"I saw you two last night"

Er… so he did.

"Right"

"What the hell are you guys doing?"

"Look, it's not like that"

"Well, anybody would be skeptical about that but I get it"

"So you get it?"

"Yeah… she must feel frightened"

":Sigh: that's what I think it is"

Shu then took a sip of his milk tea.

"You guys, just get a room"

"What the hell are you saying now? And there I was thinking you are taking this surprisingly maturely"

"I mean it. It's okay. I know it now. You guys just sleep in your room together. It's cramped on the living room sofa"

It's not that I never gave it a thought, but it always felt like a line I should not cross.

"It's a bit weird though… sleeping on the couch is one thing, but getting into bed together is a bit… you know.."

"It's only weird if you think about it that way. Seriously, I don't mind. Just use your room together"

"Is it… really okay?"

"Why would it not be okay with me?"

"Well… I guess it's okay. I'll talk to her"

All this time, Sayna didn't actually speak at all to us. She came to the table to eat when I called her to come. She came over at night to lay next to me without saying a word. And at some point before the morning, she went back to her room without saying a word. Any other time in between, she stayed in her room and did not come out.

So it was extra awkward to suggest this to her when we were not even on speaking terms, although we were on sleeping terms. But when I told Sayna about what me and Shu talked about earlier, she didn't say yes or no, so I took that for a yes, and from that night on we slept together on my bigger bed in my room.

It was a few nights after that I woke up in the middle of the night feeling something on my body. Sayna…?

We laid next to each other, but I've never laid hands on her - how could I - and she never did either - why would she -.

But now I could definitely feel a soft hand resting on my chest, rubbing gently.

SHIT. What's gotten into her?

I pretended to be asleep hoping that my lack of reaction will stop her, but it did not stop and now the touch was heading towards my stomach.

No, this is gonna be bad if she moves it any further down.

I quickly grabbed the hand and opened my eyes to say something - although I wasn't sure what I should say, but then realized Sayna was sleeping with her back towards me facing the other way.

What the fuck?

Then I turned to my left and realized it was Shu, sound asleep with his body pressed against me and rubbing me like I was his stuffed toy or something.

Jesus, that frightened me for a second there.

"Hey, Shu-, Wake up. What are you doing-. Go back to your room-"

I spoke quietly so as not to wake up Sayna, but Shu was deep in sleep too.

I gave up and just gently turned Shu to face the other way, at which point he did not turn around again.

:sigh:

I guess the boy has been lonely as well.