Already Lost

I have been here for a week. Is it a week? I am almost losing count of the days and nights that my body has been here, I am almost losing count of how many times my body has been roughed up, turned over and over, someone has plowed onto my body and harmed me. I don't know what to do, I am losing it. I don't know if it's fair for me to be here anymore. What dwells there is nothing I can't explain. I don't know who comes in or comes out. I don't understand what is happening to me. One minute, I will be on the bed trying to catch a break the next minute the door will be knocked very hard and I will be awake trying to look for a place to hide only that there is no place to hide.  All I do is cry. 

I have banged the door enough, I have cried enough. I have cried out when someone was is to top of me, when someone is forcing me to take meals when I was forced to do all sorts of things. None of them felt better, none of them was good. I don't like it. I was forced to like it.  Today, what do they have in store for me? I don't even understand who is around me anymore, I don't even get who wants me to suffer like this. Why would someone be making my life this hard? I have tried to stay out of trouble but all I get back is a lot of other trouble that I didn't ask for. 

Lord, is this the reason why I am still alive? Was this episode marked on my life seasons for me because I didn't expect it? This is painful. What happens to my body everybody is new blood gushing through my legs daily. I hate the same smell that I feel here every day. My sheets haven't been changed for the days that I have been here. I decided to turn them the other way around and so did  I do the mattress too, I hope by doing that I will be able to get a clean place to sleep. I listen every day as different people come in and out, I listen every day as my hands are pulled and my legs are parted, I listen every day as my body is being penetrated but I can't see the penetrator.

I don't like anything here, whatever resides here is vengeance. Whom did I do wrong? I just want to know if I wronged anyone. How am I to know that when all my life I have been staying in my office doing my work? I have not fired anybody, I have not done anything to anyone. I am just here. Why should someone want to harm me? 

I wish I could know who my attacker is. I wish I could understand who wants to harm me in any way, does it matter now? I have been harmed in many ways but this is the most painful one. Even before it heals they still hurt me. I am not sure if the same man is the one who gets into my body and forces my head on his dick or if they are different men. 

Every day, I feel the scent of his body is familiar but I don't remember where I have met him or seen him. I think my head is occupied with a lot of things to even remember. I am occupied with making sure my babies are okay and nothing happens to them. I am occupied by making sure that I don't lose myself even for a single day but I am already lost. 

If not for the big hood that I wore and the towel, trust me, I would be done by now, I would have strangled myself and let everyone know that I loved them, I would have just sat quietly in here and been okay with what is happening to me. Am I though?

I am frustrated and the same thing causes stress on the baby. I have lost the taste, I don't like how food tastes anymore, it's disgusting in my mouth and I hate how the water here feels. 

Maybe with Jake, the thing would have made a little bit of sense, maybe his presence here would have spiced things up but do I even remember him anymore? 

I fear anything that is walking right now, I fear anyone that is coming closer. I take time to recognize who I am. The only time that I know who I am is when I place a hand on my belly or when the baby makes a faint kick as I call Jake's name. 

The rest of the time, I am a nobody, I am just a dead body walking on the land. I have to because these three babies keep me going. 

I hold myself every day hoping that my kids will listen to my cross cries and hold onto something. I wish my kids would understand that I love them. They have been good for a while and haven't caused any problems for me ever since I was here. The bleeding can't stop. Sometimes I think it's because of what is happening to me every day. A man forcing himself on me for no reason. Sometimes when you are done fighting, you can't hold onto anything anymore. It's like I have been accustomed to spreading my legs and letting him do what he wants. 

I don't see the sun anymore. I don't even understand if it's wet or dry outside. Is there a bright sun shining to give people hope or is the earth dull?  In here, it's black, twenty-four hours. I have a feeling that I might now have bad eyes sight. My eyes itch every time I touch them. Some things fell on them and I tried to wash them but they are painful. Most of the time I just want to pluck my eyeballs out to make my life easier. How will it be easy anymore?

I don't have anyone to speak to, maybe these three babies here, keep me alive. They ride with me. I don't know how I am going to face Jake. How am I going to love him again after all this?  Is he even going to touch me? Is he even going to say anything to me or he is going to be disgusted with how my body looks like? I hate that feeling. I just want to remember his smile but it's fading away from my eyes. I wish that I can see him every day and hold my hands in my dream. I wish I could have him look at me when I ask him to or at least he could listen to what I am talking about in my dreams. He doesn't. The last time told him to hold my hands, he was crying while looking away. I was lost. This is so hard for me to take. Has he given up on me? He was busy looking for something in my closet, is he throwing away my things? Should I lose hope? 

I can't lose hope and take my life together with the kids that I have. They deserve at least a chance to live and be happy. I know my journey is about to come to an end but that doesn't mean that I should also end theirs. They deserve every chance in life, to live and enjoy life with what it comes with. I am not sitting here and looking at them got hurt and nothing happen to them. They deserve to be alive even if I am not going to be. 

The type of food helps me know which day it is. It is like having a strict timetable on what to eat and what not to eat.  They dont offer me any special meals, I don't get any special treatment. It's like a boarding school where you've got no option but to eat what they offer you. 

Today is Wednesday. Yeah, the day I take rice and some hastily cooked meat. I hate the way that meat tastes, who knows, it might be someone's meat. I don't take it nowadays, I tried it once and it didn't sit well with my belly. Another thing that helped me know which day it is, is when they come to pick my feces from the bucket and bring in a new bucket. I haven't showered. I am stinking. The bucket is picked after two days. So if it's not picked today, I know that it's tomorrow but it has already been picked and a new one was thrown beside me. I have to rely on my hands and my hearing instinct to know where am going. I make sure I don't fall when I walk out of the bed. That is what I am doing. 

Done with my food, they pour water for me in a cup but I am afraid to take it, I fear taking anything here. The water from Jake's bottle is just a little amount and I might be forced to take water from their cup. I hate that I don't know what their cup looks like. So it's hard to trust it. I use the water to wipe myself and my panty. At least having clean pants, makes me feel a bit comfortable. 

The door is banged after some time, I know what time it is. Another time for my legs to be spread, another time for my body to endure the same pain. Again and again. 

Instead, this time round they come in with something else,  a tablet. The tablet is shoved on my face and for once in a while, I can see the face of my husband, Jake, he is standing there looking at the press. I want to cry but I use my hands to mask the cry, I want to jump but I can't jump. 

He is pleading with everyone to help find me. He wants to make sure that I am back and safe. I hate it when he cries, he looks like a baby who can't suck her mother's titties. He is not in his shoes, he is just in his big T-shirt, the ones I love, and some sweatpants. I feel peace, I feel relief for once, and I am happy. I am happy that he is still searching for me. He is out there mobilizing people to search for me. How will they find me though? How will they know that I am somewhere that I also don't know about?

"Your man thinks that he can outsmart us. Trust me, you are not going anywhere until that baby is born. That isn't the only way you are getting out. Plus I won't allow you to get out, I will make sure I blast your head out and you will die."

"Please, please don't do that, please, I beg of you, don't do that to me or my babies. What did I do to you to deserve such treatment? I am sorry for what I did."

This is begging the same people who crucified Jesus to have mercy on you. They knew he was innocent but still, they criticized him, even after Plato said he doesn't see anything wrong with him they didn't hesitate, they went ahead and nailed him on the cross. 

He lets out a big sarcastic laugh. I have heard that laugh. Maybe I have or it's a hallucination. My body is pushed to the bed, and my dress is pushed upwards, I try to resist but the two men are forced to hold my hands to make sure that I am okay. They are stronger and they do that in seconds, leaving me all tired and without help. 

"You, sit there and watch her, we are going to send this video to her husband, and let's see what he will think of it."

"Please, I don't want my husband to see what you are doing to me, I don't want him to be frustrated."

That is the song that I am singing. That is the song that I won't get through his thick head but he doesn't. One of them is left behind. I can't see his face because it is dark. 

"What did you do to him? He is so furious every time he comes in here."

The man wants to speak, maybe he is my Hail Mary. Maybe he is the savior I have been waiting for. 

"I wish I knew, I wish I had a clue of what is happening. This wouldn't have happened if I knew someone wanted me dead. I have been working very hard my life but look at where I am now."

He clears his throat and whispers again. 

"Your husband looks loaded, do you think I will get someone meter If I help you?"

Lord thank you, thank you for this chance, I think I have just received my freedom. I was happy, I was happy that this guard here was thinking of that. He wanted to make sure that I was all out of here free and safe. 

"He will give you even more than that, do you have your phone with you? I can call him or you can call him or text him. That is the only way he is going to help us."

"First, tell him that I want the meter wired to my bank account. Tell him to wire it to this number, you are going to read this number out softly to him the way you do when moaning his name in bed, then tell him."

I was nodding very quickly because wanted this, I wanted to have this chance and run out of this place,  wanted to jump out and down of this room. I wished that they could even open the windows and allow me to see what was outside but they can't.  it's still closed and there is nothing I can do. 

The man removes a notebook from his pocket, he turns on the light from his phone but it's not as good as the natural light. He writes something down and holds the phone out for me to say Jake's number. 

My hands are shaking, how would I know that this man is saying the truth or lying? What if Jake sends money and he runs away with it? What if he doesn't know about his location? I look at his phone mad ask him to turn on the location. That is the only way I will be safe here. He won't lie to me, I will be able to know that Jake will find the address very easily and without any problem. He asked me to wait for a minute, there was a knock on the door, the door was opened but again closed. I thought someone else had taken over but he assured me that it was his still. He held the phone out and I called Jake.  

The number didn't go through, I don't know why? So I decided to call Claire's phone which was picked with the first ring. 

                      "Claire, Claire!"

The next thing I  heard was a shot and my face was wet. The phone was grabbed from my hand and my body was roughed up!