166. Chapter 166

Chapter 166

Kate sighed as she put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. Jo was fed and had drifted off to sleep soon after, and Jamie was playing in the study. Castle handed her the last couple of dishes from the table, and she broached the subject on her mind. "As much as I hate to think about it, it's November, and we need to start considering things we need or want to take care of before I go back to work. We have two big family holidays coming up soon, and putting it off doesn't make sense."

"You're right, but I hate to think about it, too. I'd say that the most important thing is having Jamie prepared for it. He's probably almost forgotten that you used to go to work every morning, and he's going to miss you."

"I know. We should start mentioning it now and then," she answered. "Jo probably won't miss me. She's too young. But I think she'll know when I come home."

"Yeah, she will. You'll be the one kissing all over her little face."

She grinned at him and admitted, "Guilty as charged. I loved doing that with Jamie. She might still be too little for that kind of onslaught, but it won't be long before I can do it again."

"And she's going to love it as much as Jamie did." He paused for a moment. "I kind of thought we would have done this by now, probably part time; but we should think about finding a pre-school for Jamie. The book tours took it out of consideration for the time right after you left the fifteenth and then I didn't want to send him while you could be at home with us. Right after Jo joined the family didn't seem like good timing, either. It might be time to look at some schools and decide on one…get the application process over now. I'd like you to help decide, and it would be easier while you aren't working."

"Then we'd better put that at the top of the list. It's probably going to take some time. I hope you didn't have your heart set on one of those schools where you have to apply on the day they're born to get your child in. I think we've already pretty well that boat for Jamie."

"Nope. I looked into a couple of those for Alexis when Meredith was pregnant, and there were a lot of snooty overtones. I didn't want her to learn to be snooty. Seems to me I remember through her school years, Alexis always talked about students moving or new students coming in around the winter break. There's the vague possibility that we might find a second semester opening…try a half day program. That would be just before his fourth birthday. If nothing is open, we can still apply for fall."

"You must have been thinking about this a lot. Why haven't you mentioned it to me?"

"I guess I wanted to enjoy having my whole family around me as long as I could. But we don't have that much longer for you to be at home full time, and you're right. It's time to face it."

"Academically, Jamie is already ahead of the game," she said. "He's already identifying the sounds of the letters, and making sense of using numbers. I'm pretty sure he's right at the edge of starting to read. You've done a good job, Mr. Mom."

"Don't leave yourself out of the equation, Kate. You do the same things…sneak learning opportunities into playtime, ask leading questions to make him think, take time to help him figure things out rather than always just telling him. He may not need to be in school to learn to read or be introduced to basic math, or to get along with other children; but he needs a little introduction to the structure that goes with the school day. I think he'd enjoy pre-school. He loves learning new things."

"Do you have ideas about which school?"

"I thought we might start with the one Alexis went to. I have no idea if it's the same or if it's changed hands and operates differently, but I was impressed with it when she was this age. They did a phenomenal job, and Alexis loved it there. No matter where you go there are a few stuffy parents; but the staff was very down to earth, and they treated all the students equally…paid or scholarship. That's important to me. If they're accepted, no matter what age or what income, they, as well as their parents, should be given the same respect as everyone around them. And there's that new pre-school we saw when we were out for a walk last week. It just opened last year, and it looks good online. I did a search for schools close to us and printed a list."

Did you check parent comments or look into the owners and required teacher vetting and credentials…curriculum…"

"Look at you going all Mommy on me. No, not yet; but that's why I printed the list. Want to check them out this afternoon while both our babies are asleep?"

"Might as well."

Then Jamie came to them with one of his trucks and looked upset. "It broke," he said sadly. "And I wasn't being bad with it. Can you fix it, Daddy?"

"Let me see." Castle looked at the toy and said, "Maybe. Come here." He sat Jamie in his lap and took the part that fell off. Turning the truck upside down, he said, "See those little open places right there? This metal rod pops into those spaces. He popped it back into place and Jamie looked much happier, spinning the reattached wheels.

"The wheels work again!" Castle got a big hug for that, and his son scrambled off his lap to try the truck out on the floor.

"What should you say to Daddy for fixing your truck?" Kate asked.

"Thank you, Daddy." There was another hug before he went back to the study to take up where he had left off before the wheel problem.

"I thought his vehicles were sturdier than pop-on axels," Kate observed.

"Most of them are, but this was one of our impulse buys because he deserved a reward. He enjoys it. That's what counts.

She nodded as she watched him scamper out of the room and said, "If only we could solve our kids' problems that easily for the rest of their lives."

"Sometimes all we can do is be here when they need us. There were times I knew my mother couldn't fix the problem, but I always felt better after a good hug and some attention that let me know she loved me."

She smiled. "I felt that way about my parents, too. Both our babies will know that we would fix it if we could."

"Always," he agreed.

Later in the afternoon when the house was blessed with the quiet of sleeping children, Kate asked, "Are we ready to look at pre-schools?"

"Be right back." Castle went to get his laptop, sat down beside her, and propped his sock feet on the coffee table. She leaned against him where she could see, and they started down the list.

"Start with the one Alexis went to," Kate insisted. "I want to see."

When they found it and looked through it, Castle said it looked like most of the staff had changed.

"I guess that's to be expected, though," Kate observed. "That was around fifteen years ago."

"Suddenly, I feel so old," Castle complained.

"If your wife isn't complaining, it can't be too bad," she answered flirtatiously. "So what's next on your list?"

There were five that looked promising within a six block radius of the loft. If none of these work, we'll venture farther from home. I want something academically sound, secure, and where the children are happy to be there. But I'd also like to find something within walking distance. It would give Jo a little outing during the day and give me a little exercise. I used to enjoy walking Alexis to school."

"Keep in mind that when you were walking Alexis to school you didn't have an infant's feeding schedule to consider…and the infant and a stroller and a diaper bag to take along with you."

"Hmmm… Good point. Could we walk when we go to look at these places and see how it goes?"

"That's a good plan. I'm sure you can handle it, but it wouldn't hurt to be sure you want to on a daily basis."

They spent some time looking at the other schools before Jamie came downstairs holding Bear by one paw and sleepily climbing up on the sofa to lean against Kate. She gathered him into her lap and let him snuggle in while he finished waking up. "We should talk to him about it when he's more awake," she told Castle softly, and he nodded, rubbing his son's arm lovingly.

Before long, Jamie was ready to play, and Jo was announcing her desire for attention, and the discussion about schools was tabled for a later time.

xxxxx

The next morning, Castle woke up to find Kate's side of the bed cool and deserted, and Jo's bassinet equally empty. After shuffling into the bathroom, he took care of his early morning necessities and wandered out into the open part of the loft. Kate was sitting on the sofa feeding Jo as tears rolled down her face.

He walked up behind her and kissed his wife on the head; and when she inhaled in surprise and it turned into a sniffle, he paid more attention. "Kate what's wrong? Did something happen? Are both of you okay?" He moved around the sofa to sit down beside her and wrap his arm around her shoulders.

We're both okay," she assured him. "It's just…" She paused and then said, "The surgery is next week. The tubal."

"You don't have to have it if you don't want to. Do you think you want another baby?"

"No," she stated firmly. "Crying over this feels so stupid. You and I are both old enough that we should stop with the two we have. I want us to be young enough to be able to enjoy them, be involved in whatever their interests turn out to be. We agreed on it. It's what I intended to do."

"Then I don't understand."

"Neither do I," she answered with a sniffly huff. "Probably some of those damned leftover hormones. But sometimes when I hold Jo and kiss her little head, I want to cry."

"You're doing a pretty good job of it right now," he said, sympathetically kissing her temple.

"I'll be okay in a little while."

"Has this happened before?" When she nodded and sniffled again, he asked, "How often? And why didn't you tell me?"

"About once a day since I made the appointment for the surgery…and because I didn't know what to tell you. It makes no sense."

"Sweetheart, whether you want another baby or not, if it upsets you this much, don't feel obligated to go through with it. If you're not sure, you can postpone it. Or maybe your body is telling you it's too soon. And I'm pretty sure you aren't the first of your doctor's patients who has had doubts."

"I don't even recognize it as doubts. It's more like an emotional coup staged by some part of me I can't identify."

"Maybe you should talk to Dr. Holland again."

"I might do that. I'll call after Jo is asleep."

"Have you had breakfast?"

"No. Jo woke up too impatient for hers."

"Let me get you something. Maybe getting some sustenance into you will help."

"Knowing you care and can put up with your crazy wife helps, too."

"You're not crazy." He brought her a bagel with a soft, creamy cheese/vegetable spread and a glass of juice and put it on the table beside her. It was something she could manage with one hand while the other arm was cradling Jo.

"That looks good." She switched Jo to her other side, leaving her free hand on the side that allowed her to eat, and afterward she said she did feel better. "Thanks for listening…and being so sweet about it. You're as good a husband as you are a father, and you know I kind of have you on a pedestal on that father thing."

He opened his mouth to say something but couldn't think of a thing that seemed to be a worthy response; so he just looked supremely pleased, kissed her, and put his arm around her shoulders, encouraging her to lean against him as she finished nursing Jo.

xxxxx

The next day, when Jamie was insisting he was a big boy, his parents seized the moment and told him he was big enough to go to school now; and he sounded excited about it. During the rest of the week, they did some drop in visits at a couple of the pre-schools to pick up information packets and get a feel for the place in general.

Still dealing with the unexpected emotional aspect of the surgery, Kate made an afternoon appointment with Dr. Holland on Friday; so they planned a pre-school visit not far from the doctor's office for that morning, with lunch in between.

At her request, Castle left Kate at her appointment and took the children with him. They stopped at a coffee shop where the family had sometimes stopped on the way home from Kate's OB appointments, and he and Jamie had hot chocolate and muffins while Jo napped in the stroller.

"Where did Mommy go?" Jamie asked as they walked toward the shop.

"She had an appointment with Dr. Holland."

"Are we going to have another baby?"

"No. It's just a checkup to be sure she's okay. Like when you go to see Dr. Barrett, even though you aren't sick. Just a checkup."

"Oh. Are we going to get Mommy hot chocolate, too?"

"Not this time. Mommy is going to get a taxi home and meet us there. I'll make her some then if she wants it."

When Kate got home, Castle met her at the study door. Jamie came to the door to give her a hug and asked about her checkup; and she stooped down to tell him she was fine and kissed the tip of his nose, making him giggle. Then he went back to what he was doing and she stood and picked up the baby seat from where it sat next to Castle's desk and went to talk to Castle in the living room where little ears in the room would be less of a problem. She placed the baby seat and its precious cargo next to the sofa.

"So what did she say?" Castle asked, pulling her in so he could hold her.

"She said it isn't the norm but I'm not the only one who's felt this way. We decided on the most easily reversible method for the surgery in the unlikely case I change my mind later, and she told me she would have no problem with my backing out right up to time to start the surgery. She said she wanted me to be sure."

"Did that help?"

"I think so. It may not help this emotional whatever-it-is; but at least I know she understands, and that I'm not the only crazy person she's met in her practice." There was a little pause before she added quietly, "I have an appointment with Dr. Burke on Monday morning."

"Sweetheart, you're not crazy, and I'll bet Dr. Burke will back me up. You said it happens when you hold Jo, so it probably has something to do with being a new mother. She's only seven weeks old. You could be right about the hormones still acting up. Just don't feel like there's any pressure from me."

"I don't, and I love you for it. But this was my own idea from the beginning, and even I don't understand this reaction. I'm happy with the decision to stop at two. I honestly only want two; but then I hold Jo, and she's so sweet, and…I don't know. Something in me wells up and says, you're about to see to it that your body will never let you have this again, and then the tears start. But it makes no sense. I don't intend to have another baby, but it's there anyway."

He held her close, and she mumbled against his chest, "I love you."

"I love you, too."

She pulled away and sat down on the sofa to pick Jo up. "Hey, Baby Girl. Your crazy mommy is home. Did you miss me?" Jo looked up at her, gurgled, and kicked her feet, her hand reaching toward Kate's face. Kate took the tiny hand and kissed it and held her baby close, her eyes glossing over with unshed tears again.

Castle sat beside them wordlessly and wrapped his arms around both of them, and Kate leaned willingly against him.

After Jo was fed again, they talked about the pre-schools they had seen. Jamie had been excited to visit the various schools. In spite of the change of staff since Alexis was there, they were both impressed with the school she had attended, as well as the second one…the one they had visited that morning before Kate's appointment, though, not so much. Jamie's comment that he didn't like it there automatically removed that one from the possibilities list. All three required interviews with both parents and children, and all three had seemed impressed with Jamie. There were two more on Castle's list to visit, and they intended to see those the following week. Both Castles were rather pleased with their take-charge-of-what-needs-to-be-done-before-Kate-goes-back-to-work efforts. Visits at the other two schools were planned for early in the week.

At her visit with Dr. Burke on Monday morning, she explained the situation. He made no effort to influence her decision, just helped her through a discussion of what was happening. Her decision in the end was to go ahead with the tubal ligation because it was what she actually wanted. And with the consideration of their ages, her return to a full time job looming at the beginning of the year, and Castle having both children to deal with while he tried to do his own job from home, it was also what they needed. It was what she and Castle had agreed would best fit this stage of their lives…in spite of the emotional episodes that had crept up on her around the decision. It made sense, as it had when they had planned it in a hormone neutral state a year before she was pregnant with Jo.

It was outpatient surgery and scheduled for early morning, so she was back at home before dinner. She must have looked a bit less than normal because she had to assure Jamie that she was fine, just sleepy. After the anesthesia, she wasn't supposed to feed Jo for twelve hours, which left her free to go to bed and sleep…and shed some tears.

It also left Castle to feed Jo with expressed milk they kept in the freezer. He had put several bottles in the refrigerator that morning. Jamie wanted to help, so he warmed the bottle, sat him in his lap so he could help him hold Jo, and let him give her a bottle. The little boy all but glowed with pride. They repeated the feeding the next morning, and Kate had a chance to see, praising her son for being such a good big brother.

xxxxx

The weekend before Thanksgiving saw the launch of both of Castle's new books, the new Nikki Heat book as well as the first of The Girl With Red Hair Mysteries for children. Black Pawn had insisted that Castle do some promotion for the books, some signings to promote the Heat books, and some radio and TV spots to introduce the The Girl With Red Hair Mysteries. Castle countered that he would do local signings and locally broadcast national shows, but he refused to leave his family any time soon. The publishers and Paula arranged to have reporters at the launch party to get the word out. and Kate pushed herself to get to the launch party just a few days after her surgery. She was a little bit sore, but it wasn't too bad, and it gave Castle a chance to say she wasn't feeling well and he needed to take her home. They stayed for a very reasonable time and then slipped out.

xxxxx

Thanksgiving with the entire family at the loft was the standard, easygoing Castle family gathering. When what they were thankful for was mentioned before the Thanksgiving feast, Jo's name came up several times, and there were several mentions of Martha and John's marriage and happiness. Jo and Jamie got their fair share of attention from the adults, and the family confirmed their plans for the annual trip to the tree farm the next day. Between Castle's SUV and John's, they could all get there in just two vehicles.

The trip to the tree farm had now developed into a full family tradition, even Martha. No matter how much Kate and Meagan, and probably Alexis, wanted to each grab the end of a crosscut saw and take down a tree, they didn't. They left it to the males to man the saw in different pairings (always under the watchful eye of Orin, their favorite tree farm employee), show their manly prowess, fell enough trees for the four separate households, and exchange slaps on the back. It was worth it to see each of their men bask in the pride of showing off for their spouses. Jamie was doing his part in the cheering section…and asking before it was over when he would be big enough to help saw.

The visit to Santa's village that year provided Santa with four Castle children. Jamie insisted that both sisters and his brother should be in the picture, and the picture with Santa was an unusually good one of all five of its subjects. Their ornament purchases included one for Jo's first Christmas and a wide variety of others. At intervals, the shoppers would break up into smaller groups and then regather at for coffee or hot chocolate stops and meals. And when they finally reached home, they were all tired but happy.

The trees were delivered to their respective homes the next day; and with three of the four Castles at the loft old enough to participate, the loft was gradually transformed into a Christmas wonderland. If it didn't run away, Castle wanted to decorate it. In one case, it did run away, giggling, and Castle decorated it anyway. He chased a laughing Jamie around the living room and draped him with tinsel garland. And Kate took pictures.

In the midst of all the other Christmas reorganization, the Castles decided it was time to move Jo to the crib in her own room. They then had two baby monitors in their bedroom but a lot more space to move around in without the bassinet. Jo was very close to three months old and had been sleeping through the night for a while…a shorter night than the parents would like but a definite improvement in all of their sleep cycles nevertheless. Life was now comfortably readjusting to the needs of an infant daughter.

xxxxx

The first week in December, Deputy Chief Alvarez called to let Kate know that the command she had been promised was still hers if she wanted it. He told her they had waited to call until they had the paperwork for the retiring Deputy Inspector squared away to be sure nothing else fell through. "His wife has already planned a big New Year's Eve party to celebrate. I think we're safe this time," he said. "His replacement will be Victoria Gates, so you would replace her at the twelfth. How does that sound, Captain?"

"I definitely still want it, and the twelfth sounds wonderful."

"Commanding people you used to work side by side with can have its challenges, but I suspect you're capable of handling them."

"I'll do my best. Thank you, Sir."

"My pleasure, Captain Beckett, and my congratulations. My secretary will call later with the change of command information. Enjoy the rest of your time off."

Alvarez ended the call, and Kate excitedly called out, "Castle!"

He was there almost immediately, and she told him, "Gates is being promoted and I'm taking over at the twelfth." He wrapped his arms around her, lifted her, and twirled around in a circle with her, both of them laughing.

"Back to where we started," he said, giving her a kiss. "Will you let me come and visit now and then?"

"Definitely."

"We should probably tone it down so we don't wake the children," he whispered.

"If we're lucky enough that we haven't already," she whispered back mischievously.

Castle was busy during that week. He did a couple of spots on national morning shows as well as the late night shows. The new books were both announced on his Facebook page and raised some Twitter interest as well, and his fan pages were busy. Paula had scheduled three signings leading up to Christmas, and they were all well attended. Stacks of his new children's book were left enticingly close by in the bookstores for the people in line to peruse while they waited, and sales seemed to be going well for those, too. He had been talked into three signings during December, one each week until the week of Christmas to make up for the fact that he refused to go out of the city. One was in the evening, but the others were morning or afternoon so he would be home for dinner.

Alexis and JD stopped by often to visit their new sister, as they had done with Jamie, and lavished attention on their little brother as well; and Castle never tired of seeing them all together.

xxxxx

Kate had been back to easy yoga soon after Jo was born, and Meagan was now coming by a couple of times a week to help Kate ease back into working out in their new gym without overdoing it. She and Kate and Castle all recognized that as a possible problem, and Kate was trying hard to make her workouts both effective and sensible.

In planning their gym, they had included Meagan as well as Castle's "gym guys" to be sure they had covered everything; and Meagan proclaimed it the best home gym she had seen, threatening to claim family privilege and show up often to help use it. There were even mats for when Kate was ready to get back to sparring. There was a safe place for Jo, and Jamie was happy playing in his play area or working out with his toy weights with Castle, and looking just as serious about it as his father. The first time Kate had walked in on one of her men's weight training sessions, she took pictures and video and sent them to the entire family…and Aunt Lanie, and Uncle Kevin and Uncle Javi.

xxxxx

The family was there again for Christmas; and for the Castles, it was bittersweet. They loved that it was a celebration that brought their family together again, but they knew it also signaled Kate's return to work a week later.

When everyone had gone home and the children were asleep for the night, Kate and Castle made love tenderly and afterward snuggled close and softly exchanged special reminiscences of their unencumbered time together...and shared hopes and suggestions for similar time in the future.