Chapter 4

I tightened my legs around a large, inhabited man's neck, his arm pinned against me, "Stop fighting! I don't want to hurt you, but I will!"

We finally made it to the Gosei plant in Iwagakure. At first it appeared completely abandoned and we split up to search for samples we could snag to bring along to Suna, but the moment I was far enough away from everyone else that I couldn't see or hear them, this guy tackled me to the ground and we've been wrestling ever since.

"I am not here alone, human. Even if you disable this body, my brothers will come and you will become a host as well."

Stupid, unemotional, inhuman jerk! I'm strong and capable. What really pisses me off is that I'm purposely holding back so I don't accidentally injure the likely innocent human being taken advantage of and that damn squid looking thing wants to mouth off and make my blood boil.

I tried to reason with it as it continued to struggle against my firm hold, "The plants here aren't Dengen! I know they look and smell like it, but it's not! You're looking for something that doesn't exist here."

The man's body stopped fighting then, much to my surprise, "How do you know that is true?"

Not wanting to push my luck, I quickly answered, arching my neck to try and look at his face without relenting my hold in case he was trying to trick me, "My friend's family is the one who created the plants here. They're synthetic."

My brow furrowed when I realized these things might not know what some of these words mean. Madara's notes said they come from very deep in the oceans, so they likely don't know what a factory is, much less the definition of the word synthetic.

"You humans lie to save yourselves. I do not believe you." Then we were struggling again.

Left with little choice, I cringed as I flexed my grip on his arm and heard the bones snap under my fingers. Of course, he didn't react to the pain in the slightest.

After skillfully debilitating one of his legs next, I tied him to one of the thick pipes that ran from the floor to the ceiling in the industrial-style room we were in before healing his injuries enough that they wouldn't have lasting effects.

"You will never escape this place uninhabited, woman."

Irritated, I knocked him out before cutting out the awful thing in his neck, crushing it under my boot, and then untied the unconscious man so he could escape when he comes to. Then I shot him one last glance before returning to my search for Gosei samples. Once across the room, I heard sounds of fighting nearby and took off in that direction with ice in my veins.

Turning through hall after hall, I finally came upon Kiba and Sasuke, back to back and surrounded by five men. Without missing a beat, I helped them disable the attackers before we all shared a look as we tried to catch our breath.

I never thought I'd admit this, but it was becoming kind of satisfying to fight and win. Don't get me wrong, I'd still rather not resort to violence, but it makes my previous weakness seem less shameful.

Kiba's head sharply turned and he muttered just loud enough for us to hear, "Ino and Sai are in trouble."

I complained as we took off running yet again, "Why can't any of these trips go smoothly?" Sasuke scoffed, but didn't say anything.

Soon we passed through large double doors to enter what appeared to be the main manufacturing room of the factory. It was massive. Gunshots rang through the air and I saw Sai backing away from a large group of men with his pistol in one hand and Ino slumped over his other shoulder, unmoving.

Anger and fear set my body in motion and the other two followed soon after. It's been pretty easy for us to overpower these things, but there are over a dozen of these things this time so it was a bit more of a challenge. I took a few hits here and there, but ultimately did pretty well holding my own until I saw Sasuke take a hit to the face and get thrown to the ground in my peripheral vision.

A red pulsed through me not unlike the one that made me lose control and kill that man at the asylum. Then I was tackling the man that'd hurt him to the ground.

My body froze when I automatically went to throw a hit with all my power, only to stop myself mere centimeters from blowing this man's head into pieces. Eyes wide, a ragged gasp shook me and flashes of that bloody torso, that security guard's unresponsive face as I tried to bring him back to life distorted the picture before my eyes.

"Move, Sakura!"

I was shoved off of the man and to the ground, turning in time to see Sasuke expertly land a sharp hit to his neck to knock him out before grabbing my arm and yanking me to my feet with absolute rage on his features.

His voice was menacing as he brought his face closer to mine, "Are you trying to get yourself fucking killed?" I didn't have a chance to respond because we both had to return to fighting, but my anger had dissipated in full.

I thought I'd successfully shoved that awful memory, those unbearable feelings of guilt and regret, to the back of my mind to remain buried until our mission's complete, but I almost repeated my actions just then.

What in the actual hell is wrong with me?! Yes, these people are attacking us and we don't have any choice but to defend ourselves, but there's no reason to kill them, especially when we know for a fact that these humans aren't acting on their own free will.

My eyes darted over to the unconscious man I nearly killed and tears rose up, forcing me to look back at the one I was facing so as to not be overpowered. Does he have a family at home, too? What if he has children that depend on him?

A sob tore through my chest as I finally managed to knock out the man I was facing. I have to get away, at least for a moment. The others were finishing up and didn't need my help anymore, so I hurried out of the massive room into a hallway and just kept running and running until my lungs hurt. Then my back hit the wall of the hallway and I slid to the ground with my head in my hands and tears streaming heavily down my face.

This anger, the violence, the heartless attacks, none of it's me and if somehow it is, I don't want it to be. My chest felt tight as I tried to intake a breath and could barely manage it. A panic attack. I recognized that I'm having one and knew what to do to make it stop, but couldn't bring myself to take action.

Sasuke was hurt and that's all I could focus on, so my body acted according to my emotions rather than my reason. It's not wrong to protect someone important to you, but it is wrong to mindlessly take a life when it's unnecessary.

"There she is!"

Loud footsteps approached and then I was being pulled to my feet roughly until I was face to face with a seething Sasuke Uchiha. He had a firm hold on either of my arms.

"What the fuck was that back there!"

Another sob shook my chest and I dipped my head to try and hide my face from him. His fingers were squeezing so tightly that they might even leave marks, but I'm more concerned that he's angry at me than anything else.

"Hey, stop it, man! Let her go!"

Sasuke ignored Kiba's protests and shook me, making me meet his eye, "Answer me, Sakura! What the hell were you thinking?"

My voice was unsteady as I yelled back, "I-I don't know! I saw you go down and then…I…"

His rage slowly faded as he stared at my face until all that was left was a bitter expression that said he's beginning to realize what I'm actually upset about.

"Fuck off for a minute, Kiba."

"But-"

"I said fuck off!"

The Inuzuka man hesitated for another moment before leaving, likely to return to wherever Sai and Ino are waiting.

"Is this about-"

"Y-Yes. Please don't say it."

A sigh left his lips and he pulled me against him to wrap firm arms around my body, pressing his cheek against my hair, "You're such a dumbass."

That was all he said and he didn't expect me to respond. Last time we talked about what happened at the asylum, we ended up in a screaming match that only concluded because I got shot and both of us sincerely came to regret the entire conversation. I know how he feels about all of it and he knows how I feel. We don't agree and might never, but in the long run I don't need him to have the same opinion, I just need him to accept it.

A couple minutes passed and I eventually got my emotions in check and pulled back to grab his jaw and gently turn it to the side so I could see the steadily darkening bruise on the right side of his face. His expression was annoyed, but he didn't stop me.

Hoping to do it so quickly he couldn't stop me, I pressed my palm against his cheekbone and put everything into healing, making myself dizzy for a swift moment. His teeth grit and he snatched my hand away from his face, but I happily noticed that my attempt was successful and the purple hue had disappeared, "Don't do that carelessly!"

My eyes narrowed and I tugged my hand away to rub at any remaining tears under my eyes, "I can't just sit here and let your pretty face stay bruised."

His irritation melted just slightly and he scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief before quickly kissing me. A jolt of surprise shook me, but he pulled away before I could respond, glare back in place within his expression, "If you ever pull something like that again, there's gonna be hell to pay. Do you understand?" He wasn't talking about the healing I just did.

I grumbled, equally annoyed, as we started walking in the direction Kiba had headed off in, "You don't scare me. I can beat you in a fight."

He cocked his head at me with a smirk, "Wanna bet? We've never sparred in real life, you know."

That's true.

When they forced us to fight in M.A.T, I didn't even try to fight back and let him win with ease. At the time, it wasn't because I was scared of him, but because I didn't want to hurt him, or anyone, without reason. There wasn't a point in causing one another trauma like that, but he knew we'd both be in trouble if he didn't finish me off so that's what he did and I let him.

"You're on. Winner chooses the prize?" He nodded in agreement and then we entered the large manufacturing room again.

I came to kneel next to Ino, who was sporting a gash on the side of her head. From the looks of it, and how Sai had been carrying her over his shoulder when we arrived, one of the attackers likely caught her off guard with a blunt object and it'd knocked her out. She was sitting with her head between her knees, likely nauseous, as Sai tried to tend to her and she kept swatting him away.

"I said stop! Get your hands off me!"

The more calm Uchiha brother spoke with subdued annoyance, "You can hate me, but at least let me help when you're hurt."

I could tell just by the look on Ino's face when she met my eye that she's fed up with pretending to still be mad at him, but she's too proud to apologize first. Classic Ino.

"Can you heal me, Saku? My head hurts." Sai just kept his eyes on her face, a look of defeat clear as day.

It took everything in me not to smirk at my best friend as I shook my head. This is payback for making me run while I was sore. "I feel really light-headed. I might faint if I try to heal anyone right now."

Sasuke gave me an odd look and I flipped him off behind my back, making him turn to hide the fact that he was stifling a grin. Kiba came to put an arm around my shoulders, "Should you sit down, too, then?"

I shook my head again, doing everything in my power not to break character, "I actually need some air, I think. Can you guys come with me in case I pass out or something?" Without waiting for a response, I grabbed one of each of their hands and pulled them with me toward the exit, looking back at Ino's stunned face to shoot her a wink. The look of realization was just too priceless and I turned away just as the panic started to arise.

Once we were outside, Kiba tried to help me sit down and I shook my head at him with a grin, "I'm fine. I'm just tired of their bickering."

He let out an annoyed groan and flopped down at my side, Sasuke silently sitting on the other one. The three of us took a few minutes to rest before heading back inside to search for Gosei everywhere except where the struggling couple was hopefully making amends. To my utter shock, we actually found two samples sealed away in small test tubes. I took one and then Kiba took the other, thinking it safer for separate people to hold them just in case something happens.

We continued searching for a bit before Ino and Sai finally came out of the big central room. They were holding hands and both seemed a million times happier. I let out an exhausted sigh, "About damn time!"

We returned to the motel early, before the sun had even set. After searching the rest of the factory for more samples, we still hadn't managed to find any others so the two small tubes we found are going to have to do the job. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, we'll head out to join the Subakus, Shikamaru, and Matsuri. It should only take us three or four days to reach the center of town since we're already close to the border between Suna and Iwa.

After freshening up a bit, I stepped out of the bathroom to see Sasuke fingering through one of the magazines that'd been left on the bedside table by the hotel, a candle burning nearby to provide light in the slowly darkening room. With a grin, I jumped onto his back and wrestled his arms down when he tried to fight.

Once he was successfully pinned, I leaned forward to whisper in his ear from behind, "What was that earlier about being able to beat me?"

He snickered with a smug tone, "I can."

I released his wrists and laughed before relenting and gently running my hands up and down his back, "Let's wait until all this is over, okay?"

Sasuke slid his hands under the pillows, after tossing the magazine back onto the nightstand, and let his arms fall heavily to the mattress as I began massaging the tight muscles around his shoulders.

"You're just scared."

I scoffed, but didn't say anything else and let the room fall into a comfortable silence. After last night, it didn't bring me quite as much joy to annoy him when we're alone together and I know he feels the same way. It's as though some sort of peace had come over us.

"Do you wanna talk about earlier?"

Or so I thought.

My fingers froze against his back and I held back a sigh of defeat, worried he'd misunderstand it as my being irritated with him. "Not particularly."

His arms crossed under the pillows and he rested his head atop them with closed eyes, turning it to the side so his neck wouldn't be uncomfortable, "You know you're gonna have to eventually, at least with me if no one else. You're sensitive ass can't keep it to yourself or it'll eat you alive."

I dug my fingers a bit more deeply into his skin, making him tense up, before returning to the massage I'd been giving him and forcing myself to be completely honest for a moment, "I don't want to talk about it because then I'll have to think about it and then I'll start to feel how I did before." My tone was off even to my ears. It had to be just as obvious to him as it was to me that I was trying to mask how bothered I really was by it all.

Sasuke remained silent for a long time and I couldn't decide if I was grateful or more anxious than before. It had to be close to five minutes before he finally spoke and his voice was much quieter than before, "I want to ask why you're so affected by it, but last time…"

My thoughts earlier in the day, about how we understand one another enough not to talk about it, were completely and totally wrong.

I gave up on the massage because it takes too much focus and my mind's racing and simply ran my fingers over his back in slow, random patterns as I tried to figure out how to put my feelings into words. He waited so patiently that I'd almost believe he's asleep, but I know he's not.

"It's been my dream since I was a kid to be a doctor and up until that day I hadn't done anything that went directly against The Hippocratic Oath."

Tears were starting to water up in my eyes, but I continued because he's ultimately right. The longer I wait to get it out, the harder it's going to be to deal with. Not only that, but I might be so unhinged by the time this is all over that I won't be able to be around him, or anyone for that matter.

"My grandma was my favorite person growing up and I wanted to be just like her. She was a nurse and took me to work with her one day when my mom couldn't find a babysitter. I think I was four or five at the time. I fell in love with her passion for helping others."

A small laugh slid past my lips and I reached up to wipe at my tears with one hand as I reminisced, "When I told her I wanted to be a nurse like her when I grow up, she scolded me and said I should set my sights higher and become a doctor because I was special and she knew I was going to do great things."

"She had a big fall when I was ten and had to retire. Over the next year she just kind of…wore down until she died. I was completely heartbroken, but it became my goal to make her glamorized vision of my future come true, no matter how hard I had to work."

"I, as you've learned, rarely did anything except study when I was in school, even at home. I managed to graduate a year early and started college immediately. I would've studied through the summer, too, but the tuition was putting my parents through hell. That's why I applied for The Program. Karin, too."

The air was thick as my mood fell further and I moved my other hand up to my face to wipe at the suddenly heavier falling tears, voice cracking as I finally came clean, "It feels like I've spat right in everyone's face, killing that man like I did. No matter how many lives I save, there's always going to be the one I-"

My shoulders shook and my fingers trembled, "I-I can't stand it. All I've ever wanted to do was help others. Even if that man was a terrible person, it wasn't my right to decide if he lives or not and I'll probably burn in hell for it. I can never be a doctor now, that's all I know for sure. I can't take that oath."

"Move," Sasuke was pushing himself up and I slid off his back, wiping at my wet face more fervently.

He came to sit across from me, legs crossed and a serious expression on his handsome features. To my relief, he didn't stare at my face and instead gently grabbed one of my hands to hold in between his as he appeared to ponder what he wanted to say. I couldn't bring myself to keep my gaze on his face, either, and stared down at his hands as I sniffled.

It was biting, clawing at the inside of my ribcage, the self-hatred that had me considering the coward's way out in the past. The guilt rose in my blood like the last breath of a drowning person rising to the surface, silent to a spectator, but tragic for the person underwater. The memory of that day was replaying over and over and I couldn't help but see a million other ways to disable that officer that wouldn't end his life.

"Would your grandmother be angry if she saw how you didn't try to fight back?"

My eyes shot up to his and narrowed slightly, "What?"

Red and black eyes searched my face and a wordless plea rested on his expression for me to be honest and really think, "I obviously didn't get a chance to meet her, but I get the feeling she'd have killed that man herself if she saw what he'd done to you every day."

My mouth opened slightly, but I froze and tried to imagine what her reaction truly would be, eyes glazing over as I attempted to picture it. Suddenly, I recalled one of the things she'd said the day I'd overheard her talking about a poor stab victim that'd died during surgery after being mugged, surrounded by her coworkers and angry as all get out.

"If that was my child in there on that table, an army wouldn't be able to stop me!"

There was a fire in her eyes, a passion, as she'd said it. I remember so clearly because the powerful, emotional expression arose often while she worked and it's one of the reasons I'd become so smitten with the medical field.

I imagined myself on the table and my mind couldn't even form an image distressed enough that would suit the reaction she would've had. Her face blurred out, but the wild rage would've easily been as strong as what'd coursed through me that fateful day in the asylum, if not more.

I was wrong about her.

Maybe it was the lengthy amount of time it's been since her death, but somehow I'd forgotten how protective and passionate she was. I've been so focused on what she did for a living that I forgot about why she chose that line of work to begin with: for her family and for families like ours.

It's likely I'll never completely forgive myself for what I did, but maybe it's okay to live. Maybe I don't have to turn myself in. Maybe I can finish school and spend the rest of my days doing what I've dreamt of: healing others.

My eyes focused on Sasuke's again and a few more tears rolled down my cheeks. Maybe…it's okay for me to love and be loved.

"I think the fact that you feel so bad about it is proof enough that you shouldn't. If someone so against violence has to resort to it-"

"Do you love me, Sasuke?"

His eyes widened and his mouth clamped shut. The charming pink I've become so used to seeing rose quite swiftly to his cheeks, "Why all of a sudden…?"

I brought the hand he wasn't holding up to softly caress his jaw, voice a bit softer, "Do you?"

Looking completely bewildered, he nodded, "I thought after last night-"

"Last night was absolutely incredible, Baby, but neither of us said the words. If you do, say it now, please."

Soft pink melted into deep red, "I-I love you."

My face matched his in hue and I brought my body up slightly so I could reach his lips and kiss him firmly. When I pulled back, he was staring at me like I've grown a second head, but I ignored it.

"Thank you for making me talk about it. I think you're right…Grandma would've been more angry if I hadn't done what I did. How could you have possibly known that?"

His hands moved up to cup my face and his expression softened as he came to understand, "Well, she's your grandmother so I assumed you got your attitude from somewhere."

I wiped at the few remaining tears in my eyes before cupping his hands, "I-I think I can do this."

He nodded, understanding that I was going to give up on torturing myself about what happened, "Do you love me, though?"

My face warmed and I nodded, "Of course I do."

He mimicked my earlier words, "Well, Baby, if you do, then say it now please."

A humiliated groan passed my lips as I realized I'd unintentionally called him by a pet name for the first time, something he'd jokingly requested but I can tell he actually does like it.

He chuckled, kissing me once before pulling back to stare with an expectant expression.

I rolled my eyes, "Fine. I love you, Jerk!"