You are a coward

"Haaahhh!"

Jun woke up with a jump, gasping hard. He looked down and saw his whole body was shaking very badly. It was still dark outside. The winter chill made him shudder. He clutched his throat, feeling as if somebody was strangling him.

He rushed to the washroom and switched on the tap. He splashed cold water on his face again and again, but it didn't seem to work. He didn't realize when the tears slid down his cheeks.

"Jin…" he whispered.

Ever since he had been reborn, this was the first time that he dreamt of his past life. It shook him hard.

Jin's death and then his own…

He felt as if he could still feel the pain in his body after his car crashed.

"Why did I suddenly dream of that time tonight?"

Life was going normal after he left the Liu villa. But…

He laughed. "This is fine too, I guess. Fate doesn't want me to live a happy life this time either. So what if I am reborn? It won't…It won't wash away the mistakes of my past life. I am destined to live a guilt-ridden life. Ah…I understand now. I didn't pay for my sins because I killed myself. So, this is a second chance to feel that guilt and burden till I die. I am reborn to suffer. Hahaha…suffer, suffer, suffer…That's why I am alive once again."

He kept laughing as his eyes grew wetter.

"Ah…I wish I just die already…"

—

Jun walked a little slower than usual today. The distance from the bus stop to the library was only three minutes, but it took him forever.

His eyes were tired. After that dream, he couldn't get any decent sleep last night. His legs felt heavy as if his feet were chained to something, preventing him from going any further.

Jun stopped in front of the huge library. He recalled the day when he had left the Liu villa.

He was wandering aimlessly that day in the light drizzle of rain, not knowing what to do with his life anymore.

"Ah, young lad. Will you help me a bit?"

Jun turned and saw an elderly woman under an umbrella, carrying a big banner.

"I want to hang this above. Can you help me? My knees are a little weak."

Jun's gaze was empty. He wanted to ignore her and walk away, but something inside him didn't let him.

He took the banner and asked in a cold voice, "Where?"

"Up there. It's a banner for hiring. So, I want to display where more people can see."

On the banner, he read that they were hiring for an assistant librarian and a few other positions. Jun stared at it.

He hung the banner above the main entrance as she wanted. The elderly woman was satisfied. She smiled. "Thank you so much, son. Aish, don't get wet. You will catch a cold. Here. Take my umbrella."

"...Can I apply for the assistant librarian position?"

She was surprised. "Do you know about books?"

He nodded slightly. "I read a lot. I have a degree in Library Science too."

Books were a place where Jun always found his joy. He hadn't figured out what to do ahead in his life. Actually, there was a thing, but for now, he thought he could at least be somewhere where he would be at peace.

She was delighted. "Oh my! That's wonderful. Sure, if you are interested, I am more than happy to welcome you. I will take a short interview if you don't mind."

"Hm."

"Thank you so much. It has been really difficult these days. Your generation doesn't seem to be much interested in books anymore. But I am so glad to meet you. My name is Quan Su. I am the head librarian here."

"I am Li-" He stiffened.

I am not a part of the family anymore.

"Jun. My name is Jun."

She warmly nodded. "En. Oh. Come inside quickly. It's raining even harder now."

Jun broke out of his trance at present as he heard a loud honk of a car.

"Hey! Stand aside," A furious driver yelled. "You are almost in the middle of the road. Do you want to die?"

Jun didn't move. He looked at the man, who suddenly felt a chill run down his spine.

"H-Hmph. I am just telling you to be careful…" he quickly drove away.

Jun looked fixedly at the road. The cars passed by him from one side to the other. Feeling numb for some reason, he took a step ahead.

'Do you want to die?'

Ah yes…It would be so good if I just died…

I am not needed. I am not loved. Then why am I even alive?

A car was continuously honking as Jun was steadily reaching the middle of the road.

"Oi! Step aside!!!"

Jun turned his head and saw a car coming dangerously closer to hit him. A smile grew on his lips.

Finally…

But he was suddenly pulled back as somebody grabbed his arm. The car drove past him, and he was safe.

Jun was in a daze for a while.

What just happened?

He looked down and saw a delicate hand holding onto his elbow. His gaze traveled up, and he recognized Zhou Ai.

"You."

Looking into her eyes, the scene of his car crash and his death flashed in his mind again. His brows slightly crinkled as he felt a dull pain in his head.

Jun coldly shook her off. "You-"

*SLAP*

He didn't see her slap coming at all. Before he knew it, he felt his cheek stinging. He rapidly blinked his eyes in shock.

Did she just…

"You are a coward," Ai stated.

Her tone wasn't particularly sharp or cold or pointing, but it carried a pressure of its own.

"You are insensitive too. You must have a lot of things going on in your life. I don't know what things and what pain you are going through. But ending your life like this is never an option."

He stiffened.

"I wasn't-"

"Don't try to fool me. You wanted that car to hit you. Your eyes said everything. You were smiling too."

He clenched his fists.

"Do your parents love you?"

He thought about Jinhai and Nana.

"...Yes."

"Then you should be ashamed of yourself," Ai said nothing more and left towards the library.