selfish

Can we go for a drive?" I asked Edward as soon as we got back home from the baseball field.

He gave me a suspicious look before finally agreeing. "Sure."

I supposed we could talk at home – I was sure that Alice had already seen what I was planning to talk to Edward about – but I wanted the privacy. Even though I'd been a vampire for more than a year, I was still less than comfortable with the lack of solitude, as well as the incapability of having a conversation with Edward without having everyone in the family hearing it.

Though I didn't want it bothering me, I wasn't really sure how long it was going to take for me to get used to it.

Once we got to the truck, Edward got in on the driver's side. My lips twitched slightly.

"I thought this was supposed to be my truck."

"It is."

"Then why are you the one always driving?" So far, I hadn't managed to get behind the wheel even once.

"I'm better at driving."

"Says who? I have the same reflexes as you do."

"Really? I wasn't the one that lost my vehicle in the ocean." He grinned.

I snorted. I hadn't lost anything, and he knew it.

He pulled out, taking the long drive to get to the road. "Which way am I heading, anyway?"

"I don't care, but given that I'm dead and all, I'd suggest that we head away from Forks."

He turned on the highway, heading east before he finally spoke again, "What are you going to do when Charlie discovers that you aren't dead?"

"What do you mean? Why would he ever find out?"

Edward glanced at me, the look clearly stating I was being stupid. "He is going to ask Billy to marry him, and he will say yes. You can't pretend that fact away. And since the tribe is matriarchal in nature, he will become part of the tribe. Once that happens, the fact that you are still alive will come out. It is inevitable."

"There's no proof he's going to ask him anything besides I never knew my dad was bisexual anyway," I muttered, crossing my arms stubbornly over my chest.

"Really, even if I hadn't been near your dad recently, I've seen the ring he has hidden in his car in Jacob's mind. It's obvious he has something planned, don't even try to deny it."

I looked out the side window without replying.

"Why are you pouting? This is a huge chance for you – to potentially get to have him back in your life again."

"He... deserves happiness. I'm not sure him finding out the son that killed himself is actually alive and well will do that. Especially when he discovers his new groom knew all along. And then there's the fact about how much of a life could we really have together – it's already past time we moved on. To top that off, I'm literally not the same person I was before I was changed, both physically and mentally."

"We all change, Beau, even those of us who are living stones. And it's not like he won't know what you are. They may dress it up and call our kind cold ones instead of vampires, but he will know. And once he gets over the initial shock, that'll make everything a lot easier."

"Really? Didn't him finding out about vampires get him killed in one of Alice's visions?"

"Yes, when Alice, a vampire, made the decision to tell him about you in an effort to change that January wedding, which we are thankfully more than six months past, it turned out he would get curious and try to learn more. There are several differences between then and now, though. For one, Alice won't be the one telling Charlie. Second, with him being able to get all the info he likely won't even want to know from the Quileutes he won't need to go searching. In fact, if anything, he'll probably end up wishing he didn't know so much. And third, he'll have the Quileutes to protect him. It's a completely different ballgame."

"He's still my dad. Still stubborn."

"Yes, stubborn enough to still love you."

I glanced behind us, verifying we'd driven far enough that we were no longer near enough to the house with all the vamp ears. "Speaking of a ballgame, or at least the ball field, we need to talk."

"About?"

"I don't want you to fight."

Edward looked at me. "No."

"I'm serious, I don't want you fighting in this upcoming battle."

Edward faced forward, continuing his drive down the highway silently, his hands tightening on the wheel. My eyes glanced at the speedometer as the meter passed one-hundred miles-per-hour.

Even though I was now a vampire and no longer had to fear for my life if he wrecked us, it made it no less frightening.

I gripped the seat – almost ripping it before remembering my strength – as Edward took a sudden turn down a dirt side road, pulling to a stop a few seconds later.

"I'm fighting, Beau."

"Please don't."

"Why not?" he demanded.

I got out of the truck, walking away from my whole world. How could I possibly make him understand my desire? It made more sense to fight side by side, but I couldn't allow him to get even more blood on his hands – figurative or not... not for the upcoming war that was all my fault.

And I had no doubts that facing down two dozen newborns would be a war.

"Do you remember our first time in the meadow?" My voice was quiet, but I knew it would carry to him.

"Better than you," Edward replied, getting out of the truck.

"I'm sure you're right. But remember what you said to me, about how I was the most important thing to you, and that you couldn't imagine a world without me?"

"Of course."

"Well, I can't imagine a world without you, either. On top –"

"There's no reason to believe any of us will die in this fight. We have more skill than the newborns possibly could." Edward broke in, cutting me off.

"Really? Tell me Alice can see a hundred percent of this upcoming battle and can guarantee we will all come out of this unscathed. Promise me she has no blind spots. Assure me that there's no chance of some unforeseen outcome. Do that, and I'll believe you." I crossed my arms over my chest.

"You know such assurances aren't possible with the wolves being involved."

"Exactly. There's no way to know what will happen during this fight, and I know at least two of the wolves would be more than willing to 'accidentally' attack one of us."

"You mean Brady and Collin."

I nodded. "I don't blame either of them for their hatred of our kind, but I know it exists."

"Sam was considering leaving them in La Push to guard the tribe. Like you, he recognizes the potential for disaster if they were directly involved. Also, they are exceedingly young – some of the youngest to ever shift. Of course, that will leave those of us fighting already two short, yet you'd have me sit out as well."

"Fifteen of us should be more than enough to defeat the newborns. The only vampire that may hold an issue will be Victoria, if she herself shows – which I honestly doubt she will as she's already expressed once to me that she's not sure of her odds of survival with the wolves... and, okay, Riley may be problematic too, given that weird bit of info from Alice's note."

"And Angela, you can't forget Angela, Beau. Tell me, if you're the one that has to face her, will you be able to kill her, your friend?"

"If the choice is her or me..." I scowled as I looked off into the trees, wishing the question hadn't even been asked. "It won't be her that wins."

"Sixteen is better than fifteen, Beau. The more of us that fight, the better our odds as a whole."

I sighed. "It's about more than that. I don't know how much you've seen from Alice's memories of when she came back after she thought I'd been killed, but she pointed out to me during that time that you hadn't taken a life since before Rosalie was changed, and it would have ruined you to have accidentally killed me – even before you knew me –"

"She was referring to humans, Beau. You now have personal knowledge to the potential damming effects of killing a human." Edward cut me off mid-explanation once again.

"– And if you'd let me finish one solid thought, then you'd know what I was about to say." I scowled briefly before continuing. "For though these newborns have obviously killed humans, they're still virtually innocent in this all. They were turned against their will, clearly been given next to no training, and are mostly teens and young adults. I don't want this coming fight to cause detrimental damage to your mental state."

"Fine. Then what about you? How will this fight affect you?"

I shrugged.

"It's not a rhetorical question, Beau."

It was just a question that I didn't want to answer. "I doubt it will make me any more of a monster than I already am."

Edward failed to reply for so long that I looked at him, finding his brow furrowed.

"I'll stay out of the fighting if you will. That's my compromise with you."

"Leaving our friends and family even one more short?"

"Fourteen will be plenty for the fight."

"And if it's not?"

"Honestly, if you're the difference between our family succeeding in the fight or not, then we've already lost. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not disparaging you in any way. However, while someday I am certain you will be a force of reckoning, because of your shield if nothing else, you currently aren't. I know you were able to take out the immortal child a few months ago, which many of us would struggle with, including several of the wolves... also what you managed to successfully do in Romania is amazing. But in day to day fighting, you just aren't that good. I've seen the memories of you practicing with Jacob and Embry. I've also seen you practice with Jasper. With time, I think you'll learn to be a true fighter, if it's something you really desire to become, but that's not a skill that's going to happen in the next few days. It takes time, and time is not on our side when it comes to the newborns.

"So, if you want me to sit out because you are scared of what might happen to me for one reason or another, then I will. But only if you sit out with me. You can't ask me to not be there and fight by your side."

I wasn't sure it was the right choice, but even watching him practice with Jasper had been close to impossible for me to do without trying to stop it.

After a moment, I said, "Okay, we'll both sit this out."

…

Unlike last night, when all of the wolves had shown, only Jacob, Embry, and Jared were here tonight.

"Where's the rest of you?" I asked when Jacob came over to stand beside me.

"Realistically, we only need two of us, one from Sam's pack and me. But Embry wanted to come along and try his hand at getting his ass handed to him."

"In other words, realistically, you didn't have to come."

"Of course, I had to come. I need another chance to practice with Jasper. I went easy on him last night."

"Sure, you did."

"And what do you know that I don't, anyway?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Alice texted me that Edward and you aren't going to be fighting. Why aren't you going to be fighting?"

I shrugged. "It's just a choice we made."

"Details, Beau."

"There're no details to really give"

"Then explain to me why."

"I don't think I can make you understand, Jake."

"HA! Try me."

"The reason I'm not sure how to make you understand is because, even if we were currently in a relationship, I could never get you to agree to do this. You would fight, no matter how much I begged of you not to. The thing is, I need Edward to survive and to be whole at the end of this."

"So what? You think we're going to lose?"

"No, but I don't think I would have fully understood before I took a life how potentially damaging such an action can be. The thing is, I do know now, and I don't think I could handle watching Edward go through the same hell that I've been through in these last few months."

Jake didn't say anything for several seconds before he finally snorted. "I can't believe you got him to agree to sit this fight out. I wouldn't do that."

I smiled slightly. "I know."

"Which doesn't mean anything as far as my feelings for you," he said, backtracking fast.

"But you wouldn't sit out even if I begged. For that matter, would you have even thought to ask me to sit out?"

"Umm, can I plead the fifth? I mean, I can plead the fifth. So, yeah... that."

I chuckled. "It's alright, Jake."

"So, what are Edward and you going to be doing while the rest of us are doing the dirty work?"

"I don't know, we haven't figured that out yet, but we're probably going to go camping. I'm just going to call it an educated hunch."

"And how will you get there without alerting the newborns where you've gone?"

Edward came over. "We're going to drive to a more deserted area to hunt after this practice session is over, and while everyone else comes back, Beau and I will just stay out there. We'll probably find an easily defensible place to stay, just in case one of the vampires comes after Beau and me specifically, and wait it out there."

Jacob frowned. "Okay... how will you know when the fighting is over?"

"We'll have our phones," I muttered.

"Like those things work in most of the wilderness."

I shrugged.

"Tell Beau what you're thinking, Jake."

"I don't want Seth fighting as he's too young, but he refuses to stay in La Push with Collin and Brady. He can stay with you two in his wolf form. It'll allow him to feel useful... hopefully without me having to order him to do it."

I flinched. "That means there will be only thirteen of ours fighting."

"Alice can't see everything, but from what she can see, the fight will go without a hitch," Edward said softly.

"With Seth there in his wolf form, Edward will be able to see everything. On the off chance the fight starts to look like it's going in a negative direction, all three of you can come help. I also think I know a great area for you to camp."

Edward tilted his head to the side. "I like it. Though it's not as defensible as you think it is."

"It's a box canyon. One way in. One way out. How much more defensible could you want?" Jacob argued.

"That would be true, if we were dealing with humans, maybe even if we were dealing with shifters, but we're talking about vampires. They could just jump down into the canyon from the top of the rock walls. It's not like a vampire has to worry about breaking a bone. But for the purposes of someplace in the Olympic Forest, it's probably the most defensible that we'll find. Besides, it's mostly going to just be a precaution."

"Okay, I'll send Seth out that way on the day of the fight."

"It sounds like a plan to me."

"Just forget I'm standing right here, why don't you?" I grumbled.

"Sorry, Beau." Jake didn't sound sorry in the least.

"Jasper's ready to take you on again, Jacob." Edward tilted his head to where Emmett was picking himself up off the ground.

"Okay, I better go shift so I can beat him." Jake took off toward the woods.

I shook my head. "Does he actually believe he can beat Jasper?"

Edward's lips twitched slightly. "No."

I moved the last couple of steps over to Edward, wrapping my arms loosely around his waist. "Are we making the right choice?"

"I don't think there's an easy answer to that." He leaned against me.