compromise

We arrived at Goat Rocks Wilderness and then separated off into smaller groups to hunt. Jasper and Alice went one way while Emmett and Rosalie went another.

"I want to join Carlisle and Esme in their hunting," Edward murmured.

I smiled. "Go. I can hunt by myself."

He flashed me a grateful smile before he took off after them.

Closing my eyes, I listened to my surroundings. Aside from the quiet movement of my family as they headed off to hunt, the forest was relatively quiet, with nothing seriously sticking out. There was the occasional chirp of birds and the softer scurrying of small animals, but nothing large nearby.

Sighing, I took off in the general direction that Jasper and Alice went as I figured they'd have the best luck hunting since Alice would know where the animals to hunt would be.

After a couple minutes of running, I caught a slightly repugnant scent that told me there were deer nearby, and so I veered off in that direction.

I knew most of the others intended to find more flavorful hunts, and truthfully, I had no real desire to hunt deer either, but unlike the rest, I wasn't going to be part of the fight. I had no reason to kill the more flavorful game.

I still wasn't certain asking Edward to sit out, as well as sitting out myself, was the right choice. And yet... it was the choice I made.

The thing was, I couldn't imagine making the other choice, the one where Edward and I fought alongside everyone else. It simply wasn't a choice I was comfortable accepting, not since Edward was insistent that if I fought, so would he. I didn't want that, didn't want to be responsible for the potential guilt it might cause.

And, no matter what anyone else said, everything happening was my fault. Victoria wouldn't have created those newborns, wouldn't have destroyed Collin's and Brady's lives, wouldn't have changed Angela, and wouldn't be stalking Forks if I wasn't here... if I hadn't survived.

I sighed, stopping briefly.

The deer, repulsive scent and all, were only a few yards away, but I needed to clear my head before I continued on.

Closing my eyes, I took a deep – completely unnecessary – breath and let it out slowly, counting to ten as I did so. Then continuing my count to one hundred in the next second when the first ten didn't do the trick.

Finally, my eyes snapped back open, and I made my way forward, moving silently on the balls of my feet as I headed in the direction of the deer. Though why I bothered to be silent when my scent would alert them to the predator that I was, was a mystery in and of itself – probably some inborn instinct given that my nature was to hunt humans and not animals. However, as humans rarely understood the danger they were in until it was far too late, it still made very little sense.

As soon as the deer came into view, I darted forward and pounced, knocking one to the ground before leaning down and biting into its throat.

The taste of the blood was no better than the smell, and ever since I'd come back after killing those humans, it was extremely difficult to not gag and spit it out. The only redeeming factor of the blood was that it was warm and did, ever so slightly, cure the constant burning pain that I normally chose to ignore.

I finished off the deer and pushed away before racing after the herd and attacking a second.

…

Once I was done feeding, I started heading down the path back to the vehicles, walking slowly.

There was no point in rushing as I doubted any of the others would be back to them yet.

As I walked, I couldn't help but note the forest was deathly quiet, which was more concerning than I wanted to admit. I didn't sense any reason for the stillness, but it was unlike the creatures of the forest; the birds and the rodents – and even the bugs which made so much more noise than humans would ever be aware of – to be so silent.

Now that I thought about it, the pack of deer that I'd found had all been quite close together, closer than was natural for deer who were simply grazing.

Just a couple hours prior, there had been at least some basic activity, but now all was quiet.

Frowning, I came to a stop and closed my eyes as I tried to pinpoint the reasoning for the oblique stillness.

The first thing I noticed was the chill in the air.

"There's a storm coming," Edward said.

My eyes snapped open just as he threw a large backpack my way. I grabbed it out of the air as it reached me before focusing on him. "Is everyone already done?"

"No, I just decided I wanted to catch up with you. There's no point in waiting on them."

"You sure, what if..." I trailed off, unwilling to finish the thought.

"If something happens to them?"

I nodded silently.

"It won't, and I mean that about more than just our family. I mean it about the wolves too. If there was even the slightest chance that I believed something would go wrong, I'd be with them fighting, but they're thirteen strong ones, and none of them are pushovers."

I chose to ignore the fact that he said I instead of we. "Esme?"

"Of our family, Esme is definitely the softest, but she does know how to fight and is more than capable of doing so. Just because she tends to come off as weak doesn't mean she is. She's as much a vampire as you or me. And in a battle, the natural instincts of our nature will help her."

"And Alice?"

"Didn't she prove her capabilities over the last two nights of practice?" he replied with a slight smile, suggesting I was being naive.

"In a controlled environment against her mate, who would never – not in a million years – harm her."

His smile widened slightly. "Alice's short, and she may seem like a weak link because of that, but she's quite capable of taking care of herself. In fact, it might be argued that, even without her gift, she's the second-best fighter in our family. She is Jasper's mate, after all. Do you honestly believe that Jasper would ever allow his mate to not be capable of defending herself? And they did spend time with Peter and Charlotte before they found us. I assure you that they weren't just sipping lemonade and gossiping when they were together."

The image his words conjured made me grin briefly, before dropping it. "But Peter and Charlotte didn't enjoy fighting."

"Nor does Jasper, not to the death, anyway. But it is a skill all three have vital knowledge of. All of them lived in a war zone and fought for their lives regularly. I assure you that it is a skill that has been passed on to Alice. Now, let me answer the question that you are going to dance around for the next few minutes as you ask about everyone but him. While Jake may not have Jasper's skills, he's a very good fighter, as is Sam. And through them, the rest of their packs shares their skill-set. In fact, though I would never admit it aloud to Jake, I suspect that he'd be able to beat me without my gift."

I arched an eyebrow. "But I beat him a number of times."

"He held back, Beau. The instant he realized he could harm you – that he could potentially kill you – he adjusted his fighting to be more manageable for you. He wanted to give you purpose, to show you there was more to life than just surviving. I suspect, someday, he will make quite an amazing chief."

I stored away the fact that Jake had been holding back with me in the back of my mind, intending to yell at him later for it – though I supposed that some part of me had always known that. "Awfully high praise coming from you."

He scowled, but there was a teasing glint in his eyes. "Don't get me wrong, I still hate him. He kissed you, after all."

I couldn't help it, I chuckled.

As he reached me, he stuck his tongue out at me. "Okay, fine, I don't completely hate him... but I'd like him a hell of a lot more if he didn't have a thing for you."

"As has been pointed out to me oh so poignantly – at least once by you, I might add – if it wasn't for that thing he has for me, I probably wouldn't be here now." In truth, there was no probably about it.

"I can have conflicting feelings about him and his emotional state when it comes to you if I like." He paused briefly before switching topics, "And it looks like that's another shirt for the trash."

I sighed, "Yeah, it looks like I'm doomed to always be at least a semi-messy eater. At least I planned enough ahead to wear black this time." Though I'd been told plenty of times that it took years – decades even – to perfect splatterless feedings.

"Don't," he said suddenly.

I frowned at him slightly. "Don't what?"

"Don't ever change. You're perfect the way you are, messy eater and all."

I tilted my head to the side slightly, unsure what to say to his strange remark.

"Come on, let's head to the spot Jake suggested."

I nodded, signaling my agreement.

He took my hand, tensing just enough to let me know we'd be running before we both took off.

We ran side by side for several minutes before Edward spoke, "Can I ask you something and get a completely honest answer?"

His words caught me off guard, but I answered immediately, "Of course."

"Why did you back out after asking me to marry you?"

The question caught me off guard, and I pulled my hand from his. "I didn't really back out."

"Oh? You could have fooled me."

"You do realize I was only seventeen when I d... was turned, right? Maybe in the teens of the nineteen hundreds getting married at seventeen was commonplace, but it's pretty much unheard of in today's age." I took a deep breath. "When I sort of asked you –" I honestly still didn't think I'd truly asked him. "– it was with this assumption that we'd do it someday. We live forever, after all, but suddenly it was being pushed on me by Alice and you. Before I met you, I'd never thought of being with someone for a lifetime – never even really thought about sex, at least not any more than in an obscure health class sort of way. And I didn't have anyone to talk to about anything; no father to tell me I was making the right choice or give me a pep talk, no best friends to ask about past experiences, and no clue what I was doing. The truth is, if I hadn't met you, I doubt I ever would have married. So with the pushing, I simply... wasn't ready."

He came to a stop, so I did as well.

"Are you saying that, what? You were worried you wouldn't know how to have sex with me?"

I was sort of surprised he'd actually understood what I was getting at with my rambling, but I scowled and looked away. "I know there's a hell of a lot more to it than the insert tab a into slot b that is taught in health class as it would be gay sex and not straight. Who was I supposed to talk to about my concerns? Certainly not Rosalie, and completely forget about Alice – even imagining the conversation if I went to Alice is terrifying. That leaves Esme, and I simply... can't"

"There is Carlisle he's been around alot longer he would know how it works." Edward pointed out.

"You're right, he is a doctor, so I suppose for a very clinical explanation I could have gone to him, but that wasn't really what I wanted."

"You do realize a lot of young couples find their way through it their first time without advice, right?"

"And if we were both truly in our teens with no form of experience, maybe it wouldn't have worried me so much, but, Edward, even though you've never had sex, you've heard the thoughts of how many humans? Of our different family members, how many times? I've heard the way Emmett and Rosalie go at it." Alice and Jasper, and Esme and Carlisle had also been together numerous times since I'd been turned, but neither pair were as loud as Emmett and Rosalie. "I can't possibly measure up, I have no practical knowledge."

"You understand that's alright, right?"

I shrugged and started forward without answering.

He caught up to me practically immediately. "I don't know if this will help assuage your fears or not, but as you know, I was turned in 1918, and like you, I was only seventeen. And you are right, it was a different era. We were in a war, and I was a young man who'd been expecting to join that war. I'd been taught from a young age how to be the man of the house basically. I knew my place, and if you think insert tab a into slot b is a bad teaching of sex now, then you need to realize that there was no such class back when I was human, and definitely not for girls. Most parents, and mine were certainly in this group, treated sex as if it was a big surprise, and told their children nothing.

"And while all that you said is true, I have seen, and heard, a lot about sex in the years since I was turned. There was a time when I didn't have a clue. I was supposed to be this perfect gentleman – groomed to be the perfect husband and father – and I had no understanding of how the big night, as many people who spoke about honeymoons in hushed whispers would say, even worked."

"Do you miss it?" He talked so rarely about human life that I couldn't help but be curious.

"Miss what?"

"That era, and being human in general."

"Before I met you, yes, sometimes I missed that life. But if I'd have lived that life – somehow survived the Spanish Influenza which killed my parents and millions of others – I'd have never had the chance to meet you. I can't imagine that world." Not to mention if I realized I liked men back then instead of when I met you. Well you know know one talked about homosexuality in the open back then.

It was such a romantic statement, one of those which tended to end up in lifetime movies, that I wasn't certain how to respond.

"But the same could be asked of you, Beau? Do you miss what your life might have been like had you never met me – had none of this happened?"

"According to Alice, if none of you had moved here, I'd have been turned into a vampire, anyway. I'd have become something truly vile."

"But what if you lived out a human life?"

"I don't know, when I'd been living with my mom, with Renee, I'd wanted to become a teacher, like her. After moving here, though, had I spent my junior and senior year under Charlie's tutelage and eye, would I have decided to follow in his footsteps instead?"

"Both teaching and policing are admirable career paths, though the idea of you carrying a gun, given how clumsy you were as a human, is a terrifying thought."

"I may have outgrown it, or at least outgrown the worst of it. Who knows. And you're right, job-wise... that part of my future is something I could potentially imagine. As for the rest of my life, though, I was seventeen, and until I met you, I'd never had so much as a crush on anyone. As I already said earlier, I never really saw myself ever getting married. I'm sure, had I lived out a human life, it would have been satisfying in it's own way, but I don't think there'd have really been much to it.

"On the other hand, had the future Alice foreseen come to fruition, would my life as a vampire been fulfilling under the thumb of the Volturi? I'm not sure – I simply can't imagine that world."

"I'm glad you can't imagine that world because even if you'd been happy in it, it would have completely destroyed the good in you."

"Quite likely," I agreed as I noticed the cliffs we were coming to. "I think we're almost to the box canyon."

"We are."

There were a few moments of silence as we continued to the canyon – the chill in the air I'd noticed earlier more pronounced than before as clouds started darkening the sky.

"Why does it feel like we might get snow?"

"Because we might."

"Ewww, but it's summer," I complained. I didn't care that I couldn't get cold, I still didn't like snow.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Edward's grin before his face became more serious again. "Beau, will you make me a deal?"

"What sort of deal?"

"When you propose again, let's get married right away, no planning the perfect ceremony and waiting months while fears can fester. The honeymoon, sex, and everything else that comes after can wait and come as it may. No one ever said there was a time limit to that stuff."

"I believe Rosalie would have something to say to that."

"With all due respect to our sisters, both of them, they can mind their own business."

I snorted. "I think this is the wrong family for that."

"I don't care. Beau, we are both virgins, so let us be that way together. We can go about everything at our own pace, forget about our nosy siblings."

"Except for the marriage," I said slowly.

"Only when you're ready to ask me again. Past that, there's no rush. As you pointed out, we have forever."

I thought about it for a moment before replying softly, "Okay."