5.6

When Subaru awoke, his brows furrowed as he stared up at an unfamiliar ceiling.

To Subaru, who usually woke up more quickly than he liked, the brief period of mental vagueness between sleep and fully waking was precious time. For several seconds, Subaru immersed himself in this boundless, nebulous state as his mind groped for its memories, such as what he'd done before sleeping, what that place was…

Subaru felt his temple throb painfully. That ache brought everything rushing back.

"I…remember…"

He remembered the disgrace he had endured before he ended up where he slept.

He raised a hand to his forehead, but his eyes were drawn in by the discovery of a serious scar near his wrist that he didn't remember. He immediately realized it bore the traces of healing magic.

And that he could feel the traces of wounds on his body meant—

"—I didn't…die."

Touching his presumably cracked forehead and most likely fractured wrist, he let out a sigh, lamenting that the healing had removed all physical pain. If not for the smoldering feeling of humiliation in his chest, he'd almost think the whole thing had never happened. No—

Now that Subaru had regained consciousness, the betrayed look she gave him was something no spell could heal.

"—Subaru."

Emilia sat on the side of the bed, her violet eyes full of melancholy. For no reason he could discern, she'd folded the white robe she'd been wearing over her lap while watching over Subaru.

The rays of the western sun filtering through the open window made Subaru guess it was several hours later on the same day.

The first thing on his lips was harmless and inoffensive enough.

"—The royal candidate discussion's over already?"

Emilia apparently waited for him to make some kind of excuse before she opened her eyes a little wider, caught off guard by how he tried to pretend nothing had happened.

"Yeah, it's finished… Most of what everyone wanted to say came out in the throne room, so the rest was mainly working out the minute details about the royal selection. Most things were settled by Roswaal approving them."

Emilia shook her head, a subtle lament in her voice at her own powerlessness. Subaru realized he took comfort in that—Emilia, regretful she couldn't do anything in the royal selection, was somehow sharing in his misery.

Subaru tried to hide it from himself by making an attempt at being glib.

"That so. Then you probably wasted a lot of time waiting for me while I overslept. Anyway, let's get straight back to the inn. Gotta pick up Rem and work out plans for the royal selection, right?"

"Subaru."

"Here in the castle you don't know who's watching or listening, so best to save the deep talk till we're back at the mansion, right? Or do you have to talk with high-ups in the capital here first?"

"Subaru…"

"Errrr, maybe it's best to make non-aggression pacts with some of the candidates here instead? It's tough when you don't know who's coming at you and when…"

"—Subaru!"

Emilia sharply shouted Subaru down amid his rambling, cutting off his excuses. He turned his averted gaze back toward her.

She spoke to him quietly, but gravely, not be swayed.

"—Let's…talk."

Emilia rose from her seat, her arms tightly hugging the fabric of her folded robe. The stiffness of her cheeks conveyed better than any words that the coming conversation was not about anything good.

"There are things that I want to ask you… Truly, many things."

Her lips quivered, as if in hesitation, groping for exactly what subject she should broach.

"…Yeah, I, suppose so."

Subaru had a pretty good idea why she was hesitant. Everything Subaru had done until then had been completely unexpected.—Therefore, Emilia was seeking the right way to ask about Subaru's true intent behind his actions that day.

He had only a single, unabashed reason to give. But the question on Emilia's lips was not what he wanted.

"Err, then… Why did you…come to fight with Julius?"

This answer was much harder to come by. What significance did that battle have—?

"You had a reason for it, didn't you? It's you, so I'm sure you had an important…"

Already beaten down, Subaru had been waiting in the corridor when Julius appeared before him. When Julius invited him to the parade square, Subaru immediately deemed it would be payback for the rudeness he had shown in the throne room.

He certainly tried to appreciate the difference in the power Julius wielded compared to him.

He knew from the start he had no chanceof victory. And yet, Subaru had taken the wooden sword, challenged him to the hopeless battle, and had been pounded into the dirt.

Why did he do all that? The answer was—

"I wanted…payback."

"…Ah?"

Subaru lifted his face. Looking up at the bewilderment in the silver-haired beauty's eyes, he continued, "I wanted to show him that…I'm not something to throw away on the side of the road. I thought I could pay him back, and show him I could…stand by guys like him even if only a little."

His words were all jumbled. He resented himself for not being able to put it more clearly. If not for the emotions smoldering in his chest, ramming against his heart, he wouldn't need to endure such conflicted thoughts.

"Subaru…"

"I was…stubborn. I hated him. For saying I'm disgraceful, powerless, how I'm in the way…how I'm not worthy of you, how he tried to push me away from you… So I took him on."

He figured the last one was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Yes, Julius had been sternly rebuking Subaru, telling him he wasn't worthy of Emilia. But he didn't even have to say that. Subaru himself knew that more than anyone. To gloss that over, he had desperately worn a mask, feigning ignorance, but that man had easily called his bluff. So unable to forgive him, Subaru had taken him on, leading to the inevitable result.

The boy's listless reply, spoken with a hung head, made Emilia's breath catch a little.

"That's…why you…?"

No doubt it was not the concrete reply she had been searching for. Whatever lofty ideals she had held onto, the truth behind Subaru's banal stubbornness betrayed them.

Subaru listened to the trace of disappointment slip past her lips.

"…Emilia…tan, you…"

Her quivering words had scolded the powerless-feeling Subaru into a confession.

Emilia hadn't intended to do it. She did not understand how cruel and relentless her act was. That was why, as Subaru spoke with a frail voice, he was unable to even look at her.

"—You just don't understand."

That was what he said.

The moment he said it, Subaru realized he'd been lashing out. To deny that someone understood was the worst kind of excuse, cutting off that person from your heart.

Subaru was unable to keep his face raised when he heard a breathless-sounding voice.

"—You're right."

Her agreement, spoken almost like a sigh, made it sound like she grasped what he had said, that she was agreeing not to push the issue any further.

Her reaction made Subaru's shoulders ease with a sense of relief. That was when she said, "Tomorrow, Roswaal and I will be returning to the mansion. You will remain in the royal capital to focus on medical treatment."

Subaru couldn't make sense of her words

"Huh?"

When he tilted his head in confusion, Emilia strove to hide her heavy emotion as she turned toward him.

"That's what we agreed to in the first place, yes? You came to the royal capital so that your depleted gate can be healed. Ferris agreed, so you will be healed by him, then recuperate."

"W-wait a minute."

Emilia stated the plans for Subaru at a rapid clip. "While staying in the capital, you will be in Ferris's…or rather, Lady Crusch of the House of Karsten's care. Rem will be staying with you, so you won't need to worry about a thing."

Subaru, realizing that his intent had been completely missed, called out to her in a desperate voice.

"I said wait!"

His fingertips immediately reached out, taking hold of her sleeve as if that would stop her from pulling away.

"Why are you…all of a sudden…I…"

In reply to Subaru's frail voice, Emilia looked away as she said, "…You push yourself too far when you're around me. Don't you?"

Subaru held his breath at her words. Emilia's expression was unreadable. He strained, trying to get her to look at him.

"You don't have to…put it like that…"

"I'm not wrong, am I? It was like that when we first met, and like that at the mansion. And it was like that today… All of it's because you were together with me, wasn't it?"

Her way of speaking was thick with discontent.

Faced with negativity and cynicism that was all too out of character for Emilia, Subaru could only shake his head.

"That's not what I was trying to say… I just…"

"Just?"

"I just did those things…because I wanted to give you something…"

"For…me?"

When she echoed his words back, Subaru sent a determined nod back her way.

He had earnestly struggled against destiny for Emilia's sake, and hers alone. It was that feeling, above all others, that he wanted her to understand.

…That was why the next words out of her mouth left Subaru in complete shock.

"—It was all for your own benefit, wasn't it?"

"—"

Beyond the silence, Subaru's brain was a complete blank.

He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he wanted to say.

"I…I just…wanted…to give you…"

Sadness? Suffering? Regret? Anger? Sorrow?

—I want to give you happiness.

—I want to help you get what you desire.

—I want to protect you from everything that makes you sad.

Those were the pure feelings Subaru had for Emilia that formed the foundation of his every deed.

He had acted in the belief that his efforts would convey his feelings stronger than any words.

But that had been his conceited assumption, made without any consideration for other people's feelings.

"—Mff!"

The dazed Subaru yelped in surprise at the sudden impact of soft fabric on his face. When he immediately pulled the material away, he realized it was the white robe with an embroidered hawk that Emilia had been holding in her hands and that she had struck him with it.

But he couldn't associate Emilia with such a violent action. Even if he accepted that, logically, Emilia had thrown it at him, he could not emotionally accept it.

After all, the Emilia Subaru knew was always kind, filled with motherly affection, and, though she was not consciously aware of her own stubborn streak, she was a soft-hearted girl who couldn't stop helping others if she tried.

Why, then?

Emilia's violet gaze quivered with a wave of emotions. Her face was tense as she bit her lip, which seemed to tremble from fierce emotion. He'd never seen either before.

Neither her expression nor her gaze fit the girl he knew whatsoever. Yet, both were aimed at him, of all people.

He understood how out of place the sentiment was, but he thought that she was…beautiful, like this.

The wave of emotions turned to tears that filled her purple eyes.

"Stop lying about doing all these things for my sake—!"

With a small shake of her head, she seemed to be venting about every last thing eating at her.

"Coming to the castle, fighting with Julius, using magic… You're saying it was all for me? I didn't ask you for any of those things!"

"—!"

"All I wanted was for you to do the things I asked you to do!"

"━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━"

"Hey, do you remember? What I asked?"

"I-I…"

Hearing her reject his actions so clearly froze Subaru's mind with terror. That was why he couldn't produce an answer to her question from within his jumbled head.

With Subaru unable to answer, Emilia firmly closed her eyes.

"I asked you to stay at the inn with Rem and wait."

"━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━"

"Using any more magic would be very bad for you, so I asked you not to use magic."

He remembered that she'd used the word please for both.

Both times, Emilia had strongly urged him to behave out of concern for his health. But Subaru had trampled on her words each time based on his own selfish delusions. Somewhere deep down inside, he had thought of things so frivolously, as if good results would always let him smooth over his broken promises. But as a result, Subaru had not only disregarded her pleas, but didn't have a single proper thing to show for it; indeed, he'd only disgraced himself and held her back.

But even so, he at least wanted her to understand that the underlying motivations were genuine.

"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I'm really, really sorry. But! But you're wrong, I, I didn't do them for my sake…"

But Subaru's tongue cramped like it had gone numb, rejecting his efforts to put feelings into words. As he flailed for words, Emilia stared at him with sadness.

His words were unforgivably selfish. He never should have said them.

"Emilia, don't you…believe me?"

Someone who had just denied that she could understand him had no right to say any of it.

"I want to believe you… I want to believe you, Subaru."

She sounded like she wanted to cry. She might have already been crying. But Subaru didn't have the courage to find out. He couldn't bring himself to look at her, even though she might be in tears; even though he might have been the reason why she was in such a state. Subaru had continued running forward trying to avoid that, but at the most critical moment, Subaru Natsuki just—

Her emotions exploded.

"I wanted to believe you…but you're the one who stopped me, Subaru!"

Though she had sometimes lost her calm and logical demeanor to anger before, this was the first time he had seen her cast them aside, like shackles on her emotions. Freed of those restraints, Emilia poured her overflowing feelings into words.

"You didn't uphold a single promise, did you, Subaru? You…promised, but you broke them all like they were nothing and ended up here, didn't you?!"

He'd trampled on the promises they made together—in other words, her trust.

His claim, that he had done it all for her, was moral justification that only held meaning for Subaru himself.

Emilia carried on, saying, "You haven't kept your word, but then say you want me to trust you…? However you ask, I can't do that. I can't…"

No!, he wanted to cry out in a loud voice. But in reality, Subaru's trembling throat made no sound; his head felt as heavy as lead, too heavy to lift from its lowered, face-down position.

In front of the crying girl, whose emotions he had toyed with, who sought an honest answer from him—Subaru chose to turn his back to her, and thus, continue to betray her.

She asked him, "…Hey, Subaru. Why do you want to help me so much?"

It was surely the doubt nestled in Emilia's mind that kept her from asking many times before. Seeing Subaru running around covered with injuries, forcing himself to smile all the while, or watching him endure great pain and leap into the jaws of death, she must have entertained those doubts for some time. Thus, it was inevitable she would press the issue now.

If Emilia didn't let it all out there, if she kept her misgivings forever deep inside, not understanding why Subaru kept doing his utmost for her, it would only bring her more pain.

The question was Emilia's final offer of salvation to Subaru. He had thought that, having so lightly treated his promises, there was nothing he could say that could reach her, but even so, she was asking him to honestly tell her.

—Why did Subaru work himself to the bone for Emilia?

—Why had he tenaciously clung to her since arriving in that world?

"I want to do everything I can to help you because you saved me…"

"I…saved you…?"

"That's right."

When he had been suddenly invited into another world, he was at a complete loss, not knowing right from left, with unavoidable violence threatening him; for all he knew, that world would have been the end of him.

He continued, "I don't think you understand how…much you helped me. But that…saved me, more than words can express."

What Emilia had saved back then was not his life, but Subaru himself.

It didn't start with Subaru. The first time, it was Emilia who did the saving. Everything he'd done since was nothing more than repaying her for what she had given him.

"Subaru, I don't understand…"

"That can't be…helped. But it's true. You saved me. That's why I tried to…pay back the favor…but now, it's…"

It's not just that, were the words that should have followed. But Emilia exploded in emotion, her silver hair violently swaying as she shook her head, so the words never arrived.

"—I told you, I don't understand!! I saved you? I did no such thing. The first time I met you was at the loot cellar. I'd never seen you before in my life!"

"No, listen to—"

"If I'd met you before that, if that was true, I'd… I'd…!"

Burying her face in her hands, Emilia rejected Subaru. She would listen to him no longer. His words did not have the strength to stop her from fully retreating into her shell.

He had no idea what kind of sore spot of hers he'd brushed up against. He didn't know, but he had to keep talking. That's why Subaru quickly pulled himself together and said, "Maybe you don't understand, but listen to me anyway. It's the truth! The first time we met when I came to this world—"

Instantly, the scene ground to a halt, and Subaru realized he had brushed against the forbidden. This was the world where time was frozen and everything stopped.

He could no longer hear even the furious beating of his heart. Emilia's voice, which he had heard until that very moment, grew distant. Even the high-pitched ringing sounds vanished without a trace as the world of silence beckoned.

Subaru could not contain his anger, both at himself, and at the enforcing shadow with no respect for the mood—the shadow that inflicted unending pain upon Subaru when he spoke about his peculiar trait.

After the warning from the halted world that he had nearly violated the taboo, time began to tick once more.

—With a thump, Subaru realized his entire body had broken out in a cold sweat.

By the whim of the shadow, he had not received a painful penalty. He remembered that. If he kept talking like he had just been about to, the shadow would mercilessly torture his heart in the frozen world.

The words he would have spoken tumbled back down his throat. The sincere thoughts he wanted to share had no place to go, a millstone Subaru's shoulders had no choice but to bear.

Emilia said, "…Once again, you're not saying anything."

Her cold, hard voice battered his eardrums. It sounded like despair—like she'd given up. The uncharacteristic anger, the surge of sadness within her chest that had no outlet—what could he do about them? Even if he tried to tell her how he really felt, she wasn't listening to him anymore. And if he tried to tell her everything, that accursed shadow would get in his way to stop him.

He asked, "Why…don't you understand…?"

"…Subaru."

"I thought, you… You of all people would understand…"

"The me inside your head is really something, isn't she?"

That one sentence was filled with enough distance and isolation to make him cry.

When Subaru lifted his face, astounded, Emilia averted her eyes and faced away from him.

He wondered whom the lonely smile that came over her lips was meant for…him, or her?

She continued, "She understands it, all of it, without even having to ask. Your pain, your sadness, your anger—she feels all of them as her own."

"...Huh?"

"—If you don't say it, I can't understand, Subaru."

He'd been rejected. He'd been smashed to bits. His illusion crumbled into dust.

The one thing he truly thought he could believe in since falling into that world vanished.

"I…"

He'd risked his life, endured the pain of being bitten all over, wiped away his tears and surpassed them, all to continue to protect the idol he had erected in his mind.

And so, his arbitrary utopia, one that had never existed, crumbled without a sound.

His lips quivered. His eyes were hot inside. His tongue was twitching. His heartbeats were so fierce he could hear them.

"Everything…I've done…"

He lifted up his face and met Emilia's violet eyes. They were filled only with sadness. When he saw his own face reflected there, it was truly pitiful and beyond salvation.

He raised up his shrill voice in anger, so much that the room seemed to shake with it.

"—You got this far because of me, didn't you?! Like at the loot cellar when your crest got stolen! I saved you from that uber-dangerous serial killer! I put my body on the line! All because you're important to me!!"

His fingertips trembled as they gripped the sheets. His nails dug into his palm and slowly drew blood. He continued, enumerating every deed to his credit that he could think of as he tried to chase after her shadow, far in the distance.

"Like at the mansion! I barely hung on there! My skull got cracked, my head went flying, but everyone in the village got saved anyway, didn't they?! And things turned out the best way possible with Ram and Rem, I'm sure of it! That's because I was there, right?!"

The fact that he had saved everyone at the loot cellar, and at the mansion—all that had been possible because of him. These were the deeds Subaru ought to be proud of, and rewarded for. He'd come that far. He'd done so much. He added, "You have to owe me something for everything I've done for you—!!"

He shouted because the meaning of all his actions, and the thoughts behind them, had been refuted. Subaru's vainglorious search for praise, his gnawing desire for satisfaction, and his egotistical wish to be wanted, had been the unconscious extremes that had led him down his path.

And all were summed up in a single, defining word.

With a halting, shaky voice, Emilia said to Subaru, who was breathing roughly with sweat on his brow, "…Right."

Her words had a tone of acceptance, of resignation, of resolve—in other words, it was the end.

"Subaru, I owe you a huge, incredible debt for many things you've done, so…"

"Yeah, that's right. That's why I—"

"So I'll repay it all to you. Then we can end this."

Her statement, incredibly clear, raised Subaru's face like he'd been kicked. And when he saw that Emilia's gaze was even hollower than before, he realized that his hasty words should never have been spoken.

In a childish tantrum, he had trampled even his purest thoughts underfoot, throwing it all away.

"—That's enough, Subaru Natsuki."

If the relationship between them was only about repaying favors, that relationship would end as soon as the debt was repaid.

That was the only conclusion the situation could reach, now that he'd tallied up the things he'd done in the hope of giving her something without the slightest thought of a reward.

Ever since their first, intimate encounter, she had called Subaru by his first name. He understood all too late that he could not recover the affection he had lost.

She stated, "Rem will come later. Do as she says. Everything else, I will arrange afterward, so…"

He couldn't even reply. Nor was there anything he could ask of her.

Emilia began to walk, putting distance between them—physical distance, but an emotional distance that was far greater. In that moment, Subaru lacked the courage to reach his fingers toward her back, or even to watch her as she left.

When Emilia reached for the door, she abruptly stopped and murmured.

"I…"

She spoke in a soft voice, like she wanted to say it less to Subaru than to herself.

"…got my hopes up. I thought, just maybe, you…you wouldn't give me special treatment, Subaru. I thought you could look at me like an ordinary person, like an ordinary girl, the same as any other…"

This was the girl that had demanded fair treatment in the chamber at the royal selection.

The fact she was a half-elf must have caused her intense and prolonged suffering for her wish for something so meager. But…

Subaru replied with a faltering, quiet murmur of his own.

"I can't…do that."

Emilia hadn't spoken as though she sought a response. Therefore, Subaru's own murmur was not a reply, but a statement for his own benefit.

Mulling over Emilia's words, Subaru weakly and limply shook his head.

"Even if you tossed out every other person in the whole world, I couldn't do that. I can't look at you the same as everyone else, I just can't."

That, at least, was the unmistakable truth.

He heard the door close. The air became still again.

Left alone in the room, Subaru curled up on top of the blankets, his gaze wandering.

Abruptly, he pulled himself to the corner of the bed. He saw the robe that had fallen on the floor.

He reached out, pulled it close, and embraced it. As he hugged it, he felt like a trace of human warmth remained in it when all others had vanished. Subaru squeezed it against his chest, as if trying to bind that warmth to himself.

—That day, for the first time in that other world, Subaru Natsuki became truly alone.