Withering Sleep

Sleep lost, time starts to decay.

Everything melds together like it's one moment of the day.

Silver, metallic lights in the sky outside. Or are they around my head?

Still breathing so I can't be dead.

Silver light turned golden.

Someone's hand I want to hold, keeping the feeling hidden.

Can't comprehend emotion so sudden.

Can't see any light anymore; it's all too loud; I need to strengthen.

I look around and nothing is what it seems:

all these faces and thoughts plague my dreams -

dreams turn dark, can't wake up.

Seems like I need a jolt or a spark to get a letup.

I look outside, in the light, in the trees.

My eyes follow the honeybees.

Patterns of their day I think are reaffirming;

beauty overwhelming.

Structure starts forming in small steps; something creeps.

Anxiety takes me before I can sleep.

Find a grip and hold; keep going.

Why aren't any results showing?

Symphonic sirens of fear tempt my ears with a venomous melody.

While screaming through tenacious tears, I'm getting drawn into stormy, hysterical waves before I'm ready.

Everything's spinning, my legs feel unsteady.

Drowning in the icy waters of depression.

No one hears my muffled transmission.

Moments later, I suddenly arise;

predictable surprise.

The dream disappears, but a salty aura ropes in my head.

No choice, but to move on again, feel like I'm going to drop-dead.

Walk on, shadows of danger, worries of not knowing follow.

Fright, alarm, dismay, subconscious terror overflowing; only clue - my eyes; hollow.

Another day; barely survived but done.

No time for fun.

Hide the reality, if you must, run.

They're happy, they've moved on, you need to keep going...

but this pit in my stomach keeps growing!

I need to keep going but I can't!

An organized orchestra of mistresses sing over and over disconsolate facts that wreak havoc - mercilessly rant.

On and on they gamble with my heart,

bits and pieces getting torn apart

from a once wholesome home:

they're not here now; I'm alone.

No one sees the pain though, my emotions don't show.

What would they say if I let them know?

If they don't accept me, where would I go?

If they do accept me- no!

Who would?

This monster of me is unlovable, no one should.

Good-bye cruel world, this me would stay if they could.