Waking up from a Dream

"Karina?? Karina??"

Nung binuksan ko ang mata ko, mukha kaagad ni Lester ang bumungad. Magang maga ang mata nya at mukhang walang tulog. Hawak nya ko sa magkabilang braso.

"Thanks God! nagising ka na…"

"panong hindi ako magigising, inalog mo na 'ko nang inalog?!" bumangon ako sa pagkakahiga sa kama nya. Hindi ko namalayan, nakabalik ulit ako sa condo.

"anong nangyari?"

"pinuntahan ako ng guard dito, hinimatay ka daw"

ahhhh...f*ck! Kailangan ko nang umalis. Agad akong tumayo at kinuha ang bag, kailangn ko nang umalis bago pa sya makahalata..

"Don't go!"

Hindi ko alam. Pero sa tono nang boses nya. Napahinto ako sa pagmamadali.

"I called a doctor earlier, since nagaalala ako kung bakit ka hinimatay..."

Naramdaman ko ang footsteps nya habang papalapit sakin,

"bakit hindi mo sinabi?"

"s-sinabi na?" nauutal kong sagot sa kanya,

"nilalagnat ka pala" hinila nya ko pabalik saka hinipo ang noo.

Hinawakan ko naman yon at agad na inalis.

"ahhh oo, pero mawawala din naman yan, iinom nalang ako ng gamot"

Hindi na nya ko pinilit na mag explain at nag offer nalang na ihatid ako sa apartment. Hindi ko napansin na umuulan pala sa labas.

As I enter my room, napahiga nalang ako sa kama. Thinking what might happen if nalaman nya yung totoo. Natawa nalang ako sa thought na baka itali nya ko sa upuan kung nagkataon.

"I'm sorry but I'm already married" he showed me his ring. At ang ganda ng moonstone sa gitna.

*sigh* too late! Last week lang daw sila kinasal, bakit hindi nya pa inuupdate FB account nya? Napaka misleading nya ah!

.....

....

*sigh* I'me becoming desperate. Isa na lang kaya!

Lumabas ako ng restaurant. I'm starting to think na wala na talagang pag-asang maikasal ako like what I have in mind.

"anong sabi?" lumabas si Lester sa sasakyan.

"ayon! Kasal na pala ang buwiset!" napakamot ako sa ulo.

"wala na. I resign na!" mamamatay talaga kong dalaga neto.

"teka!teka! may isa pa naman, at least you've tried diba? Tsaka malapit na oh! Ngayon ka pa aayaw?"

hindi ko alam sa mukha ni Lester, pero mukhang mas motivated pa sya sakin. Nakokonsensya tuloy ako sa ginagawa ko sa kanya, well, sya naman may gusto at malinaw naman from the start, na wala akong gusto sa kanya.

"okay! Alright! Sinong sunod?" pinakita nya sakin yung pic sa phone.

"this is his most recent image, nag conduct na ko ng thorough background check, and I assure you! Single sya, no hidden strings attached!"

Woah! Parang wala pa ring pinagbago sa mukha nya ah!

"siguro....kailangan muna nating mas makilala ang isa't isa? What do you think?"

WAIT?!! DID HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT??

TALAGA?!!! Yung last minute talaga yung maganda ang kinakalabasan eh!

By the way, he is Dan Oliver Gomez, my professor in college. He is just 5 years older than me. Naging crush ko sya when I first saw him jogging around the oval while I was waiting for my friend to meet me at the University. Stay-in kasi kami, at yung dorm, nasa loob lang ng campus.

A day before start ng classes yon. At dahil sa kanya, kaya natiis ko maghintay ng halos 2 hours sa bleachers.

We exchange numbers and added each other on SNS. We decided to meet next weekend for a get-together.

Hindi ko sya masasabi na date since kasama ko si Lester. Yes! That Lester was beside me the whole time.

Ang awkward nga eh, hindi nya ba na feel na hindi sya needed sa pagkakataon na yon? Naiilang tuloy si Sir Oliver.

"Lester? Pwede hindi ka na sumama sa Friday? Para naman maging date yung meet up namin ni Sir Oliver?" natigil sya sa ginagawa nya tapos biglang napatingin sakin.

"ok!"

Yun yung sinabi nya sakin nung Monday, but whatever! Ano pa bang inaasahan ko?

"don't worry, naka disguise naman ako" at proud na proud sya sa sunglass nyang yan ah.

"ewan ko sayo! basta wag kang eepal mamaya ah!"

"well, it depends?"

Lumabas na ko ng sasakyan nya para pumunta sa meeting place namin. I was so mesmerized when I saw him walking towards my direction.

He's wearing a white long sleeved shirt that outlines his pumped body, which really suits his slicked back hair. Para syang Hollywood actor, kaya naman napapatingin yung mga tao sa kanya. That makes me want to scream.

"kanina ka pa?"

"Hindi po sir, kadadating ko lang..."

aminin ko, awkward talaga!! Professor ko kasi sya and I can't act casual towards him.

He chuckled.

"I know it's awkward to both of us, pero wag mo naman akong tawaging sir or mag 'po', mas tumatanda ako eh"

but in my head, it's just 'shet! Ang pogi talaga!'

We went to his car, medyo malayo din yung byinahe namin, medyo inantok nga din ako since hindi parin maalis yung awkwardness saming dalawa.

Nahihiya naman akong mag start ng convo since hindi ako sure kung anong interests nya. But to my surprise, we stopped at a high-end restaurant, hindi pa ko naniwala na doon kami pupunta until buksan nya yung pintuan ng sasakyan.

Well, hindi naman ako yung babae na naglalagi sa ganitong side ng lifestyle. He went to the front desk, at na shock ako since he made reservations.

OO na! kinikilig AKO! It means seryoso talaga sya to know me.

He pulled the chair and let me sit, like a true gentleman. Para kaming couple sa isang movie. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sakin, pero wala akong marinig na ibang boses kundi ang boses nya…

"Karina? Karina? 'you okay?" subconsciously… nakatulala na pala ako.

Ang gwapo nya kapag worried. Yung kilay nya na nagiging 60 degree angle habang tinitignan ako, ang cute din ng medyo curly nyang hair, pero yung broad shoulders talaga nya yung agaw pansin eh, ano kayang biceps ang nakatago sa suit nya?

Haaayy…. Sana sya na talaga, ang perfect nya kung nagkatao----eh?

Nakita ko sya, biglang nagtago sa menu,

Aba! Ang sabi nya hindi sya eepal sa date ko? Anong ginagawa nya dito?

"Gusto mo lumipat tayo sa ibang lugar? You look uncomfortable?" I see his hand placing above mine. Nako! Mukha ba kong iritable? Tsk! Kasalanan 'to nung stalker na yung eh.

I held his hand, assuring that everything's okay. Ngumit naman sya and he started to light things up, kaya medyo nawala na yung invisible line samin.

I found out that I was his favorite student back in college. Kaya pala palagi nyang kong tinatawag kapag walang gusto sumagot sa questions nya, I thought galit sya sakin since binabagsak nya sakin yung mahihirap na tanong.

He lives in BGC and lately, gusto nya daw lumipat sa province, napaka lonely daw kasi mag-isa sa manila.

And yup! He IS SINGLE!

His most recent girlfriend was 2 years ago. Yung babae daw ang nakipag break for the reason na nawawalan daw sya ng time dito.

Aminado naman sya, since he thought that she's the one and is working hard for their future, pero hindi nya namalayan na napapabayaan na nya yung taong reason why he's working hard.

I got hold a bit of his personality, knowing him, sya yung tipo ng lalaki na mukhang timid pero compassionate and sensitive, and he's also a bit of a pessimist, but tends to work hard para maiwasan yung worst case scenario.

The night ended, and hinatid nya ko sa apartment.

I was hoping na sa bahay nya ko dalhin kaso, he's too gentleman to do that.

"Palaka!!!! Wag mo nga kong ginugulat!!!"

lumabas yung tipaklong sa bushes sa gilid ko.

"How's the date?" umaarte syang hindi nya alam at dahil sa inis ko, binatukan ko nalang sya

"wala ka bang ibang ginagawa? Honestly? I am uncomfortable with you around! And in the first place? okay na naman diba? You did your job and it's a job well done so….I think it's time to leave me alone?!!"

Nag-iba yung itsura nya, Yeah…I get it, ako nang masama, ang sama ko kasi pinapabayaan ko lang syang masaktan because of me.

I know that, and he ALSO knows that!

"look…thankful ako sa ginawa mo, pero don't you think that staying with me will give you any merit? We're adults, thanks for the concern but I don't practically need it and baka nakakaistorbo narin ako sayo?"

Ano? Nakayuko lang sya?

Wala ba syang sasabihin?

Kahit magalit sya or sabihan nya kong ungrateful? Wala? Ready na ko ah? And I'm not gonna stop him if magalit sya sakin, since deserve ko naman din yon.

My phone rang. And to my surprise, it's her.

Hindi ko na nagwang tignan kung sinong tumawag because of the situation, but this is really stressing me out.

"I told you, I'm not going home!!"

Ilang beses ko bang dapat sabihin na malaki na ko? I know what I'm doing! And I'll be responsible for anything that happens?!! Ilang beses ba??!!

It hurts.

My chest felt like it's burning.

"K-Karina? Hui! Karina? Anong nangyayari sayo?"

"Can you stop?"

"No. Especially now that your asking me to!"

Nagising ako sa ingay, and to my surprise, si Lester at si Oliver ang nakita ko.

Nagaaway ba sila?

Napatingin sila sakin when they noticed that I'm already awake. Bigla namang lumapit si Lester to ask if I feel fine.

Napaka paranoid talaga neto!

Tinabig ko yung mukha nya "I'm okay, baka yung lagnat ko lang to."

Lumingon sya kay Oliver, then hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari kasi umalis nalang sya pagkatapos non.

"I'm sorry, naabala pa kita" he touches my forehead.

Napaka gentle talaga ng kamay nya, it can calm any nerves in your body with just his touch and smile.

How unfortunate,

It's the same doctor who diagnosed me few years ago. I told him na gawing confidential ang lahat if anything happens. But seeing those eyes, I think that it's about time for people to know the truth.

Wala namang lihim na natatago.

Sayang lang,

Kung kelan naman nakita ko na yung future husband ko, saka naman nagdesisyon si God na singilin ako ng utang.

Day passess by, the doctor kept his promise, since I think, yung dalawa lang yung nakakaalam.

They take turns taking care of me, nakikita ko na lang minsan si Oliver na natutulog sa sofa, he looks so tired kaya kahit gusto kong tumawag ng nurse, pinipili ko nalang na wag,

Okay na saking makita yung mukha nya habang tulog.

...

...

"Hey! Thank you ah, for taking care of me…"

We're at a restaurant. Kahit hindi pumayag yung doctor ko nung una, nakumbinsi naman sya ni Oliver. And now we're having a date.

We talk and talk for hours. Cliched as it is, pero kung kaya ko lang pahintuin ang oras, ginawa ko na sana.

Ganito yung mga pagkakataon where I can truly feel that I'm alive.

Yung mabilis na pagtibok ng puso mo.

Yung pagtagaktak ng pawis mo dahil sa kaba.

At yung pag init ng mukha mo sa hiya.

Kaya siguro yung mga tao. Kahit ilang beses masaktan dahil dito, hindi parin sila tumitigil na hanapin yon.

Yung pagmamahal na bubuo sayo.

Yung pagmamahal na magpaparamdam sayo na masayang mabuhay.

Siguro kung titignan? yung sakin eh parang chewing gum lang na dinikit sa pader.

Wala sa lugar at mukhang pinilit lang.

Pero sa sitwasyong ganito, fullfiling na din siguro na maramdaman yon kahit pilit lang at out of place.

At least, may madadala akong baon when I cross the line.

I can say that I felt that greatest feeling that every human being long for.

...

Being inlove.

...

Being loved.

...

...

...

"Will you marry me?"

Hindi sya nakapag salita.

"Will you marry me? Oliver?"

Alam ko yung mukha nang gulat o hindi makapaniwala, but his face was neither. He just looked at me, with his eyes, worried and scared.

"I….I can't"

"Bakit? Siguro naman we know each other enough to get married?"

Do I sound desparate?

"I'm sorry.....but I can't"

I can hear his deep breath.

"no….It's okay, but..... After naman ng marriage natin, siguro mga ilang weeks? Pwede ka nang mag-asawa ulit kasi------"

"Karina! Please stop talking like that.."

Please…..

don't feel sorry,

don't feel sorry…

Nabigla nalang ako, may mga tubig na pumapatak sa table. Hinawakan ko ang mukha ko at saka narealize kung saan nangagaling ang mga iyon.

He hugged me.

It's so warm that makes my feelings at ease.

He told me that his girlfriend 2 years ago was his fiancé that time. They still have contact on each other, nahirapan din syang mag move one on that two years since magkaibigan din sila nung babae eversince childhood.

And seeing me like this.

Triggered some emotions in him.

Hindi nya daw maintindihan, pero ang alam nya lang, gusto nyang makita ulit yung babae.

Maybe that was him realizing that he can't still let go of her hand.

At ako yung naging reason non. Narealize nya na hindi habang buhay laging may bukas sa isang tao.

Welp!. Good for him.

Hindi na nya hihintayin na mamatay yung isa sa kanila bago pa nya lunukin yung pride nya para makipagbalikan.

Kasalanan naman talaga nya eh, mukhang nagtampo lang yung babae hindi naman nya sinuyo agad, diba hard working sya? Bakit hindi sya naging hard working suyuin yung babae?

Hindi naman ako nagalit.

Kasi ano namang laban ko don?

Nalungkot siguro? Kaya nga ko umiyak eh.

Minahal ko rin sya, kahit sabihin nating ang bilis ng mga pangyayari.

A woman's heart is a deep ocean nga sabi nila, unpredictable kaya kahit yung may-ari mismo, hindi rin minsan maexplain kung paano nangyari.

Weeks had passed.

I was bedridden.

Binibisita parin ako at binabantay ni Oliver, masaya naman ako, minsan, patago nalang akong kinikilig, nakakahiya eh, baka sabihin nya masyado ko syang mahal. >.<

and just as I heard,

My time's gonna come soon...

Sana hindi ganon kasakit,

....