Not Wanting To Sleep

Tears run down my face as I sit, curled in the corner, at the head of my bed. The sun has long been gone from the sky, but I don't dare move to turn off the light. Creaks and groans break the silence as the house settles. My roommates have long gone to sleep. My eyes dart around the room to help keep me awake. Two bookshelves and my dresser line the far wall, everything organized and straight. The floor is spotless; cream colored carpeting covering every bit of visible flooring.

My eyes threaten to close, but I force them open again. I can't fall asleep again. I don't dare fall asleep again. I had to do something. Anything to keep from giving in to my fatigue. My eyes darted around the room once more before settling on my phone. Scrambling off my bed, I stumble towards the dresser and pick it up. I take it back to bed and furtively watch my room. I listened to my phone ring. Once. Twice. Thrice.

"N'Lea, it's three in the morning," Dorian answered.

"IknowI'msorry," I said.

"What's wrong?" You sound like you've been crying."

I had to cover my mouth as more tears slid down my face and my throat constricted.

"N'Lea?"

"Yes?" I whimpered.

"What's happened?"

"I don't dare fall asleep."

"What time do your appointments start today?"

"Eleven o'clock."

"Are you awake enough to drive to the office?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I'll meet you out there in a little while."

"Thanks, Dorian."

"See ya soon, N'Lea."

I hung up, slipped on my shoes, and left the house. The streets were empty as I drove to the office. Dorian was waiting for me when I pulled into the parking lot. The dark circles under his eyes grew as he straightened. He pulled me into an embrace as soon as my car door was closed. His embrace was warm and I felt safe.

"Have you gotten any sleep?" he asked, pulling away.

"I don't dare."

"Why not?"

I shook my head, unable to speak about the horrors I saw and felt.

"Okay."

We entered the office and went into my office. I slipped off my shoes and lay on the table while Dorian used my sanitation liquid to clean his hands. Lifting my left forearm, he checked the brachioradialis muscle to see if it was working correctly. He performed the pre-checks—hydration, switching, and permission to test—before taking my hand in his. He made a claw with his other hand for continuous record mode.

"Think about the stress," he prompted.

Images from my dreams flashed through my head and the muscle locked tight. I could feel myself start to drift as Dorian's cool fingers tested different support points—which would allow him to have a working muscle in order to pursue the information contributing to the stress I was experiencing. The tap of his feet was soft as he maintained the information he gathered about the stress in the proprioceptors of his hips and jaw while moving to hold points on my feet.

Kidney 1 and Gallbladder 44 were the points he held—the physical/etheric interface in the SIPS modality. My eyes closed and I took a deep breath, but then forced them open again as Dorian checked the muscle once more. It was working again and he started checking the various finger modes for all the techniques he and I had learned through several years of classes. I watched his fingers intently, naming each one in my mind as he quickly challenged each one. I didn't want to fall asleep.

"Chakra hologram," he said, before opening his jaw and putting his feet together. He set his feet shoulder width apart before closing his jaw. With two fingers he ran through the alarm points, light touch first, to find the object.

"Triple Heater," Dorian said softly.

"Brow chakra," I replied.

He nodded. "And the first reference." He ran through the alarm points again. "Pericardium—Monadic plane."

Dorian stacked in the muscle change and went through the alarm points a third time. Lightly touching the points while pressing lightly on my arm, monitoring for a muscle state change.

"Kidneys."

"Liquid," I said, rubbing my eyes with my free hand to keep myself awake.

Dorian checked more finger modes. "Yin-yang. So… Pericardium, Pericardium, Kidneys," he said, stacking in each alarm point. "Which means we also have a Quark."

Then he clicked his tongue—staking the information in a different way so he could pull out the chakra hologram book for the metaphors and other related information. Holding scan mode, Dorian scanned the metaphors, but my muscle didn't unlock. He checked the muscle and found it jammed. Checking for the various methods to diffuse the stress, Dorian went into MOPs—Modes of Processing. The muscle change came when he challenged the Kidney 27 points on either side of my sternum. Then he held Governing Vessel 20 and 24.5.

My heart twisted and tears flowed from my eyes. Fear—that is what these points represented—and I felt terrified. I covered my mouth with my hand as I gasped and wept. The salt in my tears burned my sleep deprived eyes as Dorian continued to pulse the points. He took a deep breath before turning his head away and letting it out. Then he turned back to me and continued to hold the points until the pulse between all four points was beating together.

I took a shuddering deep breath and Dorian let go, stacking in the stabilizing points GB 1 on the left and right and GV 24 before checking once more to see if he had a working muscle. I wasn't gasping anymore as I cried, but the tears continued to fall. Dorian pulled a couple tissues from the tissue box and put them in my hand. I had to blow my nose because I couldn't breathe. I felt a slight hair tug as I wiped the tears out of my ears.

Dorian tongue stacked the information once more before handing me my water bottle. I sat up enough to drink some before he set it back on my desk. I threw the tissues away before laying back on the table. Dorian picked up my wrist once more and checked for a working muscle. He scanned the metaphors once more and my arm unlocked this time.

"Say," he started, "I am over focusing."

"I am over focusing."

My muscle locked and shivers ran down my spine. Dorian ran through the powers of stress methods and got the muscle change when he challenged the kidneys. He set my hands on my torso then leaned over me. His hands slid beneath me on either side as he gave energetic support to my kidneys. His hands felt cold against my hot back and I had to keep shifting where I looked to stay awake. I took a deep breath and Dorian rechecked the muscle. Turning a few pages in the book, he looked up the plane metaphor.

"Revelation of the way," he said, as my arm unlocked.

He stacked in the change and my arm could be relocked.

"Manifestation of the great white light." He stacked in the change. "Concrete knowledge."

My muscle locked and wouldn't unlock. Checking the powers of stress, Dorian returned to the Kidney 1 and Gallbladder 44 points on my feet. Again he needed to take a deep breath, turning his head before letting it out.

"How are you doing N'Lea?" he asked, tongue stacking the circuit before checking for a working muscle again.

"Doing okay."

"Alright."

Dorian checked for a Quark since the first reference had been Pericardium. Then because Kidney had been the second reference, he stacked in the Bottom Quark. There was no stress on it. Turning back to the brow chakra pages, he continued to scan for more information.

"Insight." Stack. "Dreams." Stack. "Psychic perception." Stack. "Getting information from beyond self." Stack.

My arm fell to the table and my body suddenly felt heavy. I could barely feel Dorian's touch as he worked through powers of stress. He held the Kidney 1 and Gallbladder 44 points on my feet before he needed to flow the Triple Heater meridian since he still didn't have a working muscle. Pieces of my dreams came and left. Now I couldn't feel his touch at all, but I could still sense his energy. Lightly his hand covered my forehead and I closed my eyes. The other hand covered the back of my neck. His touch was warm and peace filled my body. I wasn't back completely when he returned to scanning.

"Say, 'I can be used'," he began.

"I, N'Lea, can be used," I repeated. My words sounded disembodied, and my mouth felt numb and swollen.

"As a channel."

"As a channel."

Dorian stacked in the muscle change before returning to Kidney 1 and Gallbladder 44. Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes again and Dorian kept holding the points. My eyes didn't burn so much anymore, but I felt my tiredness even more. Dorian's tongue clicked as he returned to check for a working indicator muscle. He checked a few more finger modes before re-stacking in the second set of Chakra hologram points so my system knew that was what we were gathering information for.

"Can't take in new experiences," Dorian intoned.

My muscle locked. Powers of stress lead him back to the Fear MOPs points.

My dreams were the new experiences. Never before had I had dreams as vivid as these so many nights in a row. Nor did I know how much longer I could take them. I saw and felt everything as clearly as if I had the experience while awake. My chest shuddered as I inhaled deeply for the release.

Dorian went back to scanning.

"Vision." Stack. "Accurate interpretation." Stack. "Clear seeing." Stack.

My eyes opened wider and I felt as if someone was pouring hot wax on my forehead. My breath caught in my throat and I whimpered. Tears filled my eyes, but I dared not move anything that would shift the muscles in my forehead because I felt the skin would tear if I did. Dorian put a hand on my chest and the other under my shoulders. I gasped then coughed.

Rolling to my side and curling, Dorian's hands shifted with me. The intense pain left and only a dull ache remained as I cried. The hand on my back gently moved back and forth across my shoulders, distracting my mind from the pain. My cries softened and I was soon able to lie on my back again. As Dorian rechecked the muscle, I could see a questioning look on his face. But it was gone when he turned to scan for more information.

"So what else is going on?" he asked, lightly tapping my head, when nothing else was coming up.

"My dreams," I said, my muscle unlocking.

"What about them?" he asked, as he checked for powers of stress.

"I remember them as if I have experienced them while awake. Any pain there is in the dream, I feel upon waking."

Dorian held the points on my feet. "How long does the pain last?" He tongue stacked the information then checked the muscle again.

"Several minutes," I replied.

He nodded then touched Spleen 21 on the left for Tibetan eights. The muscle changed. He ran through the alarm points. Lung showed.

"How long have you been having dreams like this?" he asked, as he picked up the Lung and Spleen tuning forks.

"Two weeks."

"And why haven't you said anything?"

"Not appropriate to work on yet."

Dorian nodded.

He hit the tuning forks together and ran the figure eight. His expression was serious as he worked. He hit the tuning forks together once more before running the eight a little longer. Then he put the tuning forks away. He checked the muscle once more and challenged Spleen 21 on the left. There was no more stress on the point. He quickly checked the other modes to see if there was anything else. Nothing else showed.

"Access: 100% safe to close the circuit on all levels and dimensions."

My arm unlocked, but he was able to lock it again with no stress showing. He put his feet together, completely dropping all the information he had just gathered and balanced. Then he held my hand in his.

"Think about the stress again," he said. "How does it feel now?"

"It's a little better. I think I need to integrate the work before I'll know for sure."

"Okay. Then I'll let you rest."

"Thank you, Dorian."

"Anytime, N'Lea."

I sat up long enough to give him a hug before lying down again. I was asleep as soon as I closed my eyes.