Mai

Alone I sit within this empty room. What is here besides me? Nothing. Just like my heart. Just like my soul. Completely empty. The walls are white the floor and ceiling too. There is but one door whose outline is only known by feel. There is no door handle on my side of the door, only blank white walls. The door never opens; the room I sit in never gets dark. How long it has been since I had experienced anything with, or even without, people I do not know. How long I have been without sleep, I do not know. I don't even remember my own name. Still I do not question. I have become the empty room in which I sit. is enough. There is nothing else I need.

But then the door opens and a new color enters the room. It is the same color as I am, but what was the color called? The color elongates until it is followed by another color, much darker than the first. This one is not as tight as the first either. Then yet one more color enters the room, lighter than the second, but darker than the first. Soon these three colors take up the door way and the door is pushed open wider to reveal a body like mine... and a face.

"Mai," I hear.

The sound is so loud I cringe and try to move from the sound. I don't like it.

"Mai," the face says again.

I press myself into a corner of this empty room and try to blend in with the color of the walls. I do not like the noise that the face makes. Other noises are made as the colors move towards me. Each sound gets closer to me and I cringe and try to hide where I am sitting. Still the noises move forward. When they stop, I feel the air press upon me. These colors that carry a face have moved right next to me. The air moves slightly as they move even closer.

"Mai," the deep voice says softly.

I glance towards the room and am greeted by the face. The lightest color of this thing reaches towards me and touches me. The color feels warm and moves across my face.

"Mai, do you remember me?"

I hear these words, but cannot make the same sounds. I have become as blank as the walls around me and as silent as the empty room is.

"Mai, Please," the sound says, as the face shows a different face. "Please, speak."

My mouth opens, but nothing comes out. The lightest color moves closer to what I use to see and traces the things below. Crystals moved down the face before me and fall on my arms. It's cold and makes me jump. The colors vibrate and more crystals move down the face. What do these faced colors want? Slowly I reach out to the face and feel it. It is smooth, though made cold as the crystals fall. The dark center in the middle of the white, from which the crystals have been falling, move slightly watching me.

I trace this face as I felt mine traced, running my thumb over the darker color which made the sounds that I cannot. My head moves up slightly as if a different angle might change the expression. The crystals have stopped falling and the colors moved closer to me, pressing down upon me. The face moves closer as well and the dark color, over which I had just run my thumb, presses softly against my face. The white color with the dark center leaves my sight as the first light color which I saw when the door opened returned as the pressure remains against my face. But as the pressure moves away the white with the dark center returns.

"Do you remember now, Mai?" the deep sounds ask.

Trying again to make the sounds, I let out a small sound. It echoes around the empty room and I bury my face. Weight is felt upon my head and runs down my body. What do the colors want? Why won't they leave? They move even closer and I can feel myself come off the floor. I don't want to be in the air and I move. The colors let go and I land hard on the white floor. I don't like this feeling.

"Mai, are you okay? What's wrong?" The weight and pressures are back as the faced colors move me. "Mai?"

"What?" I am able to ask. It is softer than my earlier sound, but the face above me changes again.

"What are you trying to say?"

"What?" I repeated, my face becoming smaller as I watch the face. What was I feeling? I didn't understand. What did the colors want? What were they asking? What was this feeling I had?

"What am I? What am I doing? What are you trying to ask?"

I turned from the colors and closed my eyes.

"Mai?... Mai!"

I curled and hid my face. I did not like these sounds. They made my head hurt. The colors picked me up again and I moved, but they held on and moved me. I continued to move. I didn't want to be off the floor. I didn't like not feeling something solid beneath me. The colors held me tighter and moved towards the door that had no handle. The colors turned and I could see the empty room. The white walls, the white floor, the white ceiling. I felt the colors stop as if leaning against the wall, then watched as the room became smaller until it disappeared into a very dark color. I liked this even less. Why wouldn't the colors let me go?

Sharper sounds were heard and the colors sat down, but refused to let go. Then, though the colors with the face held still, there was still movement. The walls of this room were a lot closer.

"Why?" I asked.

But the colors didn't respond.

I pushed against the colors, but they pressed even tighter against me and refused to loosen. "Why?" I tried again.

Again, the colors didn't respond.

In the darkness, the face moved closer. "I wish you would remember, Mai. It has been too long. Please, remember."

The sounds were different and though I couldn't see them, I could the feel the crystals as they fell upon my arms. I touched the colors, where was the face? I searched until pressure bound my fingers together. My arm was pulled up, before it was pressed against the soft light color with the cold crystals. Again, I traced it as the color had traced mine. My thumb moved over the softness of the darker color and I could sense the face drop again towards mine. The light pressure upon my face returns and crystals fall upon my face.

"I love you, Mai. Please, remember."

"What?" I asked. "Why?"

"What and why, what?" he whispered.

"White room. Why?"

"Why were you in the white room?" The face moved under my hand as the sounds were made. "I don't know," the sounds continued. "You've been in there for several days."

"Day. What?"

"What is a day? It is a measurement of time. Day starts when the sun rises and light appears then it ends with night when the light goes away."

"Always day."

"No, right now it is night."

"Dark? Night?"

"That's right."

"White room. Always day."

"It's always day time in the white room?" The face brushed ever closer to mine. "Why did you go in there? Why have you changed?"

"White room. Safe."

"No! The white room is not safe. We've been taught that since we were little!" I cringed, the sounds were even louder than they had been in the white room. "Please, Mai. Tell me that you remember who I am."

"Who?"

"Can you say my name?"

The soft skin on the face, bushed against my own and I had to drop my hand. My body was pressed even more fully against the colors. Then the movement around us stopped and more loud sounds shattered the silence as the colors moved once again. The room was dark save for a bit of light. But the light only was in patches and did not fill the whole room.

"Day?"

"No. Those are lights. It's night, now."

"Day," I said.

"It won't be day for several hours. We should get some sleep, Mai."

Another door was opened to more light. But this room had colors and all sort of things in it. The colors with the face set me on my feet, but didn't let go. Slowly we moved down the hall. I found myself fascinated by everything. What were they called? What were they used for? Why didn't the white room have all this? We walked by a few other doors to one that was already open. This room was dark until the lightest color touched something just inside the doorway. Then a light came on and this room too had various colored objects in it.

I stepped away from the colors and wandered into the room. I hadn't taken more than a few steps when my brain became cloudy and my sight blurred. The cold crystals that had fallen down the color's face slid down my own face. I didn't like this feeling. It was worse than falling from the color's grip. A small whine escaped my lips and I knelt on the floor. The crystals fell faster and I curled into a ball.

"Mai, what's wrong?" The lightest color clamped down on my arms as the face moved to look at my own.

I shook my head and moved away. Getting back to my feet I moved back to the door. I wanted the white room. I didn't like this place. The colors grabbed me and I screamed, wanting to be released.

"Mai, don't! Stop!"

I still pulled against the color, until the color wrapped around me and sat on the floor so I couldn't go anywhere. Crystals continued to fall and sound kept coming from my mouth. Sounds from the face where spoken in my ear and I felt my body become quiet and turn into the color. It was the color's fault that I was here and that I couldn't enjoy what I saw. Why was my body acting this way?

"It's all right, Mai. You're just tired."

My brain became even more cloudy until night took over.

When I opened my eyes again, I found myself being held by the faced colors, thought the face's white with the dark centers were missing. Moving, the colors fell away and the face turned away from me. I got off this movable colored thing and left the room. Walking down the hall I explored the various rooms. Where was the white room? After looking into several rooms, I found a room where I felt comfortable. It was odd since the room was very different from the white room. There were all sorts of different things about waist height and dark boxes that were lifted above my head.

My mind clouded again and my body moved on its own. It opened the tall black rectangle and pulled out several cold items. Then it pulled out something noisy from a lighter colored box, and a hard oddly shaped circle. These were placed next to, or on top of the white box with the four black circles on top. The noisy thing was open and the insides pulled out. These were put in a very small white box and a small section was lowered until the insides couldn't be seen anymore. Two different colored items were put in the odd circle and occasionally a stick was used to flip them over or stir them. Two more circles were pulled out of the boxes above my head and the insides and stuff from the odd circle were placed on these then moved to the odd looking thing in the center of the room. It was then that the colors with the face appeared again.

"Looks like you still remember how to cook," the face said.

The colors opened part of the wall and pulled out a few more sticks. One of them looked like the stick my body had used to make whatever it was that now sat on the circles.

"Aren't you going to eat?" the face asked.

My head tipped to the side. I still had no idea what the face was said. I had started recognizing some of the words it used, but I still didn't understand a lot of what my body was doing or what the face expected me to know. I stayed standing by the wall until the colors moved to my side and guided to sit at the odd looking structure and handed me a stick. With its own stick, the colors picked up the stuff from the circle and placed it in the face's mouth. After a few bites, the face spoke again.

"Are you going to eat, Mai? Or have you forgotten how?"

I looked at the circle and picked up the stick and tried to use it to pick it what was on the circle. Slowly, I lifted it to my mouth and put it in. My mouth opened and the stuff fell back onto the circle.

"Too hot?" the face asked.

Whatever it was I had just put in my mouth tasted weird and it hurt. If that's what it meant to put something in my mouth, I didn't want to put anything in my mouth.

"You need to cool it down first," the face said.

My head tipped slightly to the side and the colors demonstrated. I could hear something coming from the face's mouth and the white wisps coming from the stuff disappear.

"Try it."

I looked at the stuff on the circle then back at the face. They repeated what they had done before and did it slowly as if wanting me to mimic what they were doing. Very slowly, I copied what the colors and face were doing. I watched the wisps leave then come back. After several exhales, I tried to put the stuff in my mouth again. This time there was no pain and it was an odd feeling in my mouth. I chewed it and felt muscles move to swallow what I was chewing. My thoughts clouded once more and took over. The stuff was never too hot again and everything was moved around in my mouth before the muscles moved it out of my mouth. What I put in never came back out.

"It tasted great, Mai. Thank you."

The colors and the face moved very close to me then the face moved to the side slightly and the mouth was pressed against my mouth. I held still like a statue while my thoughts were clear, but when the mouth of this face pressed against my mouth again, they clouded and responded. For some reason, my arms lifted and moved around the colors. I liked how the face's mouth felt against my own. The face moved away a little and the mouth curled up before my arms were removed.

"I have to go to work now, Mai. Will you be all right?"

"Right?" I asked.

"Yes," the face said.

"Yes," I repeated.

"Okay. See you after work."

The mouth was pressed against my own once more before the colors with the face walked out of the room. Once the colors were out of sight. My thoughts clouded and my body moved on its own again. It was like watching someone move me around the various rooms to perform specific tasks, but I had no idea what my body was doing. I only wanted to go back to the white room. Everything was simple there. Later on my body moved back to the room with all the odd colored boxes and made something different. This was not as warm nor did it cause pain as the first thing had. Then I lifted it my mouth and the movement and muscle movements occurred again.

Finally my thoughts cleared once more and I was left to explore the rooms. Some doors wouldn't open and others always had the same things behind them. After some time I felt cloudy headed as I had the night before and moved back to the room with the soft colored thing. Lying on top of it, night took over. I became aware of pressure on my shoulder when I woke again. The face was back with a different expression.

"Are you all right, Mai? Are you getting sick?"

"What? Why?"

"You need to tell me more than that, Mai. I don't understand what you are asking."

I turned away from the colors and the face and let night come again. It was a safe place since I couldn't find the white room again. In the night, I found the white room again. The silence was wonderful and everything made sense again. Why had the colors brought me to this complicated place? I remember my eyes opening and night filling the room where I was lying. Slowly I got up and checked all the doors.

One of them that I had tried earlier was now unlocked and I opened it. There was a little bit of day in the night. Several other pieces of day could be seen and I felt a pull to run out into the night. Moving my body, I followed the pull. Down the lighted path I moved, passing all the pieces of day hanging in the night. Finally the day stopped showing up and only the night remained. Still I followed the pull until at last I found another door.

I had only started to open it when the colors grabbed me.

"Mai, don't! Leave the room alone. You lose yourself when you go in there!"

I fought the colors and eventually got them to let go. Then I hurried into the white room. This was home. This was all I needed. Here is where my life was. There was food to eat, and my loving husband. Everything was simple. Though the room was white in color, I could see all of my memories on the walls; in its simplicity. This room was home. I watched the walls shift as I sat in the center again.

Surrounding me were four white walls, a white floor, and a white ceiling. There were no more doors to this room. Now that I had come back, the door that there had been was now sealed closed and made a complete wall for my life to be displayed on. This is where I belonged and was to stay.