Darkness and Rebirth

****

Darkness.

That is the only thing he can see, from the moment that he closed his eyes, enlightened with the pain in his chest, as blood flowed from his wound and orifices, as he regained his clarity from his descending madness, and at the moment where he felt the cold blade cut through his neck. 

His mind was not deluded by power, at least not anymore, to believe a lie he would desperately create for himself to save his sanity. He was already one of those mad individuals who lost a few screws on their heads, what can madness do on his already derailed mind?

He died, that is a simple but known fact to himself.

''It's quite similar to astral projection that Rowena uses to prank her brother, but at the same time weird...' he thought as the freezing cold gnawed his nerves, he felt it wrapped tightly on his body, as if being submerged in the depths of shallow waters.

Yet, his body didn't do the instinctual response, like he was completely restricted to move. The cold kept bothering his peace, perhaps it was the reason why he was immobile. There are no movements he could make, not even shifting his eyes on left or right.

Does he even have a 'body'? Why is it dark? This is... certainly a weird phenomenon.

He had no sight, even the magical ones to properly see or observe his surroundings. Well, the reason's were already obvious yet it doesn't limit his other ways of seeing.

In a way, thinking is a way of seeing things, and even if he had no was of accessing his sight back, his logic might give him answers that he would like to know.

'Is this how death feels like? It's quite surprising to have my active consciousness still alive, yet the functions and my control over my incorporeal body were gone. I can still remember everything, I can still think, process information, and exist. This is quite different to what we speculated as death would be.' 

'My cognitive capabilities and efficiency seems to be unhindered by the lack of physical brain, the plane of reason and oddly enough, Rowena's theory essence of identity seems true, and... my mind fort was still here. Perhaps my mastery of Occlumency helped?' he thought as he carefully observed the changes- no, what he was experiencing right now was the 'state of incompleteness' or simply, being formless. 

'Without a name, a form, and order. One cannot exist, huh? Rowena might grind that kid's bones if she knew he had just denied her proposition of nothingness.' he remembered Iomenes, a student of Peripes, a heretic who did not believe gods nor praise them, who explained him an interesting knowledge and theory. Yet it was something that he had to leave for another time, if he has it of course.

Back to his observations, it was interesting to see that his 'mind fort', of where he had sealed his secrets, hidden his important memories, and even use it to refresh his mind of his life, it was his true workshop in all aspects. the teachings of a wandering cultivator from the east made him realise that even if he was a master of Legilimens, it doesn't made him immune to mind control and with the same spell coming from an expert.

Experience do teach you the best, and applying logic to it amplifies the effiency the knowledge had to itself.

And speaking of experiences, if he still had a body, he might have done a makeshift paper using his skin to write his observations in this phenomenon of entropy, it might help him to revive his deceased wife.

Fortunately and sadly, he don't.

He's too mentally derailed, and with his perverse obsession to save his wife, a thing that he would shamelessly admit, he would do anything just to have her by his side again, even if it was...

'My my, I'm derailing on my own musings, longer words used, maximized length, neutral tone. Ah, let's take a note of that. And thank you, Narezza.' if he still had his body, it would've shed tears, but this let's him notice impartiality his thoughts had, he felt... cold.

No, it could be right to say that he felt nothing, no emotions, and his memories now had only information brought to him, nothing else.

It was bland, and he don't like it, he hated it.

'Normally, I would be chastised by my wife with my overthinking and paranoia, but for now let's look at different perspectives first.' not many know that he was a man of logic and philosophy, he had spent years to learn knowledge by using his logical mind to find his answers, not just thinking in simplicity and accepting reality as it is.

He thinks differently from the people of his time, and it was the only thing that made him alive until the day that a sword were stabbed on his chest.

When the harvests are destroyed by pests? Blame it to the Curses of the Land.

When disaster strucks? Blame it to the Evil Spirits.

When someone died? Blame it to the God of the Dead.

He had grown up to a family where everyone despised such notions of higher beings, not because they are arrogant, but because they didn't want to befell a faith the same as the peoples of their town, those who were blessed by the foreign cult that praises virtue and faith.

To believe an existence of a higher being because of misfortunes or graces is not a choice he would even take, because that made those who are powerless blind to the true face of reality, a mentality that he further developed once he joined the wandering group of three headless chickens he called as friends. To lead them away from being weak, blind, and betrayal from those humans who forsaken their true potential and believed a God. 

No, to have that kind of mentality means that you have already given up and accepted that you are weak. And the weak were always preyed upon by the strong, a truth he learned through observing animals, magical or not, and of the wickedness of human nature.

What matters is not the cleanliness of heart of a man, but his ability to survive in the cruel hands of fate and life.

Stealing. Killing. What makes those acts a sin?

The knights can do it, the beasts can do it, the wizards can do it, he himself can do it, does it made them correct if they had a valid reason to do so?

'No, they did not.' he thought as he remembered how those knights burned his family, of how one by one did a Dragon decimated towns in it territory, of how his fellow wizards killed their enemies in every failed arguments, of how he killed those muggleborn children for the sake of resurrecting his beloved wife.

Does having a logical reason valid to do such acts? Can he even defend himself if someone claimed him as a murderer, a killer, when it was true?

Yes, he can. Out of all the examples he gave, he has the most logical reason to do such things.

'...'

Ah, his hypocrisy was still here, good. 

No one has the ability to speak true judgement, nor was a claim from the accused truly a false one, everything has to fall down to impartiality and cold logic to discover the real truth.

A friend of his had already experienced it, sadly she has not reached the requirements to safely pass through it, given that she became less and less human as the days passed by, and more becoming alike to an automaton, a being with no emotions nor holds the right amount of humanity in their programmed minds.

He was a monster controlled by emotions, and she was one that lacks it.

'Ah, what a sad story that we have. And I'm sorry, Rowena.' he thought as he could see how sad it is to loose emotions, something that is tied closely with logic and sanity.

And being stucked at this place, in the darkness, was already a threat to all the three. He lived a life of madness and isolation, what else could be worse than that? Perhaps losing his own self in the process.

And death was definitely a part of life, that was what he learned during his younger days. 

Was this... his punishment from every atrocity he had done in his life? He couldn't help but wonder.

'But am I going to be stuck here for a long time? Would there be a time where- Hmmm...?' he paused his monologue as the surroundings shifted, noticing the almost imperceptible change. Its obvious and violent application became a contrast in the lifeless color of black around him, and it was unsurprisingly, that the contrasts were none other than a fiery ball of light moving towards his direction in a questionable slow pace.

'An attack? Or another oddity this place might have?' he thought, slightly confused at what was happening. He decided to wait and assess if it was a foe or not, and it made a stray thought weaving it way to his mind to form.

Does he looked like that ball right now? He wanted to look on himself, but he was still frozen in place, it was frustrating on his end.

He felt no threat coming from the ball of light, nor was his paranoia acting, so he noted it. Emotions and psychological problems were usually connected to each other, but as he observed what was happening, he couldn't find a definite answer as to why he felt safe towards a possible attack. 

He waited as the ball finally reached his place, before abruptly stopping just as it was close to him in arm's length.

Curious as of why did it stopped, he tried to move and failed again.

Then he noticed a part of his 'fort' extending to the direction of the ball in a form of a wispy white string, the same was happening from the other side. Still unsure of why he didn't panic nor concerned by this, he let the process continue until the strings finally attached to each other, connecting both him and the ball with a string of lights acting as their bond.

'Hmm... That's odd, I don't receive anything nor noticed a change happening. Hmm? Oh, I felt something.' he quickly noticed that he had now can move, albeit weakly.

His discomfort from being unable to move were gone, he tried to shift his position but unsuccessful, it feels as if he was far from being completely glued over one place, and the foremost thought he had was that he suddenly gained a body.

Did someone revived him? On what purpose? He'll found out once he woke up.

'Now, what?' he thought, trying to feel most of the new body, but it was cut short when he felt a tug, it felt like he was being pulled in one direction.

*****

*blink*

"Uwaaaaa...! Uwaaaa....!" he heard something, wait... he heard something. 

It took him a second, or perhaps longer than it, before the urge of opening his eyes, kicked in.

*blink* 

"Kek-..?!?!" what the FUCK is this?! My eyes HURT!

A bright light hit his eyes intensely, almost blinding him, it felt like a dunderhead had just casted an oversaturated Lumos in front of him.

It hurts, his eyes felt like it was burning, and it seems that the body had no pain tolerance, given that the pain felt like someone had hit him a Crucio.

Then, he felt a headache- no, it was more of having someone bashing his head until it cracked, the pain quickly numbed his senses, a different outcome of what he thought as when he finally understood death. 

He was confused, why? WHYWHYWHYWHY-

The pain in his lungs surged, he feels suffocated, he need to breathe, he needs to-

"U-Uwaaaaaaaa! Uwaaaaaa!" the sound was loud, and it was almost unbelievable that the sound came from his mouth. 

Yet, the surprise didn't end there, as he started feeling warm blood flowing in his body, different from the cold he had experienced in the darkness. The taste of air filling his lungs felt nice, it quickly became his drug as the rush of unknown excitement hit him like a truck, and it made his mind temporarily loss it's awareness in his surroundings as he descended in the spiral of confusion.

He kept inhaling, exhaling, inhaling, exhaling, until his lungs felt tired, his eyes kept closed as the familiar sensation of pain was still intolerable for him.

His mind was already there, but it might took a second- no, hours before he get over the confusion of what was happening. The most important thing was, in all of what he could finally understand, was the beating of his heart, the frigid air touching his hair, the moistness that was still not dried in his skin, and the drowsiness that unknowingly became his second comfort after escaping the cold touch of death.

He felt, it was the same as... it felt... it felt... it... He was alive.

He was alive.

'Why? How? When?' he thought in confusion as his mind rumbled, clarity and confusion fighting over the reigns of his human mind. He can't find an answer, nothing at all, it was weird, it was unknown, something that he naturally feared of with various reasons and as a human being, yet... it was thrilling.

Until...

"...name. His name will be Sapphire." a voice said, it held warmth and comfort that made him realise one thing, a name. It was a name, his name.

'Who... Who was I... before? Somethings not right...'

He became aware of a problem before the wave of drowsiness hit him unceremoniously, and this made him realise again the weakness that he had unconsciously ignored. A sloppy mistake, even with Occlumency in full work to control his emotions and sharpen his awareness of his surroundings and his own body.

'No, no, no. I don't want to sleep, I... still... want... to... look... at... her...' he forced himself to stay awake, and he was fortunate enough to be facing away from the light that almost blinded him, and saw his mother's smiling face and shining stars.

'Beau...tiful.' was his last thought before he lost consciousness.