It’s a little after midnight and I’m the only one on
the navigation deck when the call comes in. It’s a mayday signal,
loud and strong from the north sector, and I don’t even think it
could be him until I flip over the comm-link and his voice fills
the cabin. “Semper Fito Base,” he says, his voice young and
laced with static. For a heart-stopping moment I freeze, my hands
hovering above the instrument panel, my breath caught in my throat.
Dylan?My mind races and images of him tumble through me,
memories I thought I had long since buried, his dark eyes and his
full lips and the way his smile can eclipse the sun, it all comes
flooding back.My God, is that really you?
“I repeat,” he says, and I hear the
weariness in his voice, it makes my fingers tremble. “Semper Fi to
Base. Over.” You don’t have to answer, my mind whispers. You can go
get someone else, Tony maybe, just close the channel and go wake up
Tony and tell him to start his shift an hour early, he’ll do it,
he’s a good friend. Then let him come back here and hear the
signal, let him talk to Dylan, you don’t have to. A burst of static
fills the cabin and then I hear Dylan sigh, a lonely sound. I
remember the way he touched my face the last time I saw him, his
finger tracing the curve of my jaw when he told me goodbye. “Jesus
Christ,” he mutters, and I’m sure he doesn’t realize he’s still
broadcasting. “Where the fuck is everyone tonight?”
Before I can give it too much thought, I
lean on the transmit button and open the channel. My throat closes
and I stare out the window at the black emptiness outside the
station, the maw of space littered with stars so far away, I can’t
even believe they’re real. You made me feel like that, Dylan,
when you left,I think, listening to the open channel, the
signal I’m sending, listening to my own breath. That empty, that
unreal.I wonder what I possibly have to say to him now.
Luckily my professionalism kicks in and when
I hear the words in my own voice tumble from my lips, they’re
almost foreign, they’re that unexpected. “Semper Fi, this is
Base, standing by.”
I wait another two seconds and wonder if
he’s not going to reply before I realize I’m still leaning on the
transmit. When I release it, static fills the cabin, a solar burst
from the small sun just a few hundred thousand miles behind us. But
beneath that I can hear his voice again, fading in and out through
the static, cresting until I hear every word clearly and then
ebbing away like the tide. “Neal?” he asks, and my name in his
voice, I never thought I’d hear it again, it makes my knees weak
and I’m glad I’m the only one on deck because I sink back into my
seat and grip the arms of the chair until my fingers go numb. “Oh
Jesus, Neal? Is that you? It’s me, Dylan. Are you still there?
Remember—”
I reach for the transmit again, push it
harder than I should like it’s to blame for the blood rushing
through my ears, pounding in my brain. “Yes, I’m here,” I say, and
I don’t tell him I remember even though I do, I never forgot. I
don’t tell him it’s me and I don’t say thank God it’s him and I
sure as hell don’t tell him I was doing fine until I heard his
voice and now I don’t know if I’ll ever be fine again. All of that
is painfully clear in my own voice, tight and controlled, when I
ask, “What is it you need, Semper Fi?” I refuse to even say
his name.
Maybe it’s my tone, but when I release the
transmit again he doesn’t respond right away. Don’t ask me if I
still think about you, Dylan,I pray. You don’t need to know
the answer to that.After a minute of silence I wonder if he’s
not going to respond at all—the first contact we’ve had with his
unit since they’ve been out there and I’ve gone and pissed the
commander off, he’s ignoring me now. Should I even bother to log
the exchange? It wasn’t much but the computer’s recorded every
word, backups are automatically made of every transmission, and I
know myself well enough to know that before my shift’s up I’m going
to rewind the tape just to hear his voice again. I hate that.
What’s it say about me? About how far I’ve come since we broke up?
Not far at all.