57. Chapter 57

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"How's the pain, babe?" Jay gently stroked Erin's arm as she laid in the hospital bed, still curled up on her side. The hospital-issued pillow was still dotted with tears though Erin had ceased crying but remained silent. "Has it gotten any better?"

"I just want to go home," she mumbled, turning her head from the pillow to look up at her partner with red and swollen eyes, "I want to get out of here."

"I know," he replied, carefully running his fingers through her hair, "But if you're in pain, it might be better if we stay for a bit. Until you're not hurting."

"I feel fine now." Erin sat up, unable to keep the wince off her face but proceeded anyway. "Kate's probably up waiting for us anyway. And I don't want to keep Hank up either, so we should probably just go-"

"Babe," he breathed, remaining seated on the chair beside the bed, "She's fine. Hank's fine."

Erin shook her head, "No, she's worried. I know she's worried, and I don't want her stomach to start to hurt or what if she gets sick from stress or-"

"Er," Jay cut her off, placing a hand on her shoulder, "You've been through a lot. And I can tell you're still hurting, so please, for me, just take it easy, okay?"

"I've been taking it easy, Jay," Erin snapped, shrugging her shoulder away from her fiancé, "We've been in the hospital for six hours now. I just want to take a shower and go to bed."

Jay opened his mouth to protest, but Natalie entered the room. She offered a soft smile, "How are you feeling, Erin?"

"Fine," Erin said briskly, shedding the blanket off her lap and reaching for the shopping bag that Kate had packed, "Can I go home now?"

"If you're not in too much pain-"

"I'm fine," she insisted, "Jay, hand me that bag, would you? I want to get out of this godforsaken gown."

"I'll get the discharge papers," Natalie nodded, giving Jay a sympathetic glance.

"I should grab Will, tell him we're leaving," Jay stood, "Do you need a hand?"

"No," Erin said shortly, rifling through the bag. Her brilliant little girl had thought to pack her favorite pair of leggings, along with an oversized long sleeve t shirt from the police academy. He remained awkwardly in the doorway, unsure if leaving her alone was the right course of action. "I'm not made of glass, Halstead. You can leave me alone for five minutes," she huffed and gestured toward the door, "Go on."

"I'll be right back," Jay promised, making a quick left turn out of the ER bay, following Dr. Natalie Manning. "Hey, Nat," he called, as soon as Erin was out of earshot, "Nat!"

"Jay?" She turned around, surprise, "Is Erin okay?"

"Yeah, um, no…I don't know." Jay looked at the young doctor helplessly, "What-what do I do?"

She offered another sad smile, "She might experience some discomfort for the next few days. In my experience, these things can be hard on a couple, but you and Erin will get through this. She'll tell you what she needs, Jay. You're one of the good ones, okay?" She touched his arm gently, "Let me know if you need anything, alright?"

He nodded wordlessly, "Um, can you tell Will that we're headed home?"

Natalie smiled again, "I will. You'll be okay, Jay."

"Thanks," he murmured, turning on his heel back to find his girl.

Erin sat silently in the passenger seat of Hank's car. She still appeared to be experiencing bouts of pain, but clamped her mouth shut, refusing to let any acknowledgment of aches or pains from her lips. Jay drove along the dark streets, acutely aware of the silence between them. "Are you hungry?" he asked finally, "I know it's late, but we can get drive-thru-"

"I'm fine." Erin raised her hand, "I just-I just want to shower. And go to bed."

He nodded and took a left turn, "Are you in pain?"

"I said, I'm fine, Jay," Erin replied, staring out the passenger window. "I'm fine, I just want to go home, okay?"

He grimaced but nodded again, turning onto their street. Jay knew that she was upset, but sometimes with Erin, it was better to not say anything. He pulled into the parking garage beside the Sierra and quickly disembarked, hurrying around the car to open the door for Erin. She scowled when he pulled it open, "I can open the door myself, you know," she muttered, planting her shaky feet on the ground.

Jay raised his hands in defeat, realizing that arguing with her would only make her angrier. He took a deep breath and tried not to take her bitter attitude personally. Instead, he took the grocery bag with her bloodied pajamas and trailed after his girl toward the elevator, frowning at each painful step she took. He could tell that she was in physical pain and emotional agony, but it was not the time to push her.

"Hey, kid," Hank greeted, getting up from the couch and turning off the TV when Jay entered, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm going to take a shower," Erin stated, skirting his question and immediately heading for the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

Hank raised his eyebrows and looked at Jay suspiciously, "She…gonna be alright?"

Jay nodded weakly, "Um, with all due respect Sarge, I'll let her tell you?"

He nodded, "Is it what I think it is?" The older man glanced toward the closed bathroom door, "I deduced based on what Kate told me."

"Yeah," Jay exhaled, leaning against the counter top, "Yeah."

"I'm sorry, kid." Hank patted him on the shoulder, "Thanks for taking care of her."

Jay swallowed thickly, "Always, sir. And um, thanks for taking Kate. And for cleaning up in here. I forgot that we had made a fort earlier…with everything that happened, I…"

Hank shook his head, "Don't mention it, Jay. Kate was the one who insisted that we stop for groceries and also the one who wanted to make sure all the pillows were put away." He smiled, "She's a great kid."

Jay nodded again, "Yeah, she, uh, called me. I was down the road picking up a few things for dinner and she knew to call me and to keep Erin awake…" he trailed off, glancing at his daughter's bedroom door, "How'd she do?"

"She's strong," Hank confirmed, "No tears, just a lot of worry. But I checked on her a few minutes ago, and she seemed to be sleeping."

"Thank you," Jay said, letting out another breath, "I um, don't think she'll make it in tomorrow or I guess it's really today since it's late but-"

"You better not come in either," Hank insisted, "If she tries, I'll send her home. Same for you. Stay here with the kid, with Erin."

"Thank you," Jay repeated, offering a tired smile, "I um, I'm going to check on Kate."

"I'll see you on Monday," Hank said pointedly, "Not before then."

"Sunday for breakfast?" Jay raised his eyebrows, "I know Kate wouldn't want to miss that."

Hank managed a small smile, "Sunday for breakfast. But you better not be at the district until Monday, got it?"

"Yes, sir."

Jay quietly pushed open Kate's bedroom door and peered at the sleeping form on the bed. Kate was huddled beneath the covers, her tiny body dwarfed by the size of the full-sized bed. He crept closer and ran his fingertips across her angelic cheeks. He was relieved that she had been asleep when they got home. Kate's perception for other's emotions had him worried that she would pick up on Erin's agitation, but luckily the activity of the day caught up with her.

Knowing that one of his girls was safe in bed, Jay crossed the living room in search of Erin.

Erin Lindsay had failed.

At least, that's how she felt when Dr. Manning informed her that she had miscarried. She knew when she saw the blood forming on the snowflake pajama bottoms that something terrible was happening, but she couldn't bring herself to admit that it was what she feared. The doctor, the gynecologist and the specialist had all told her that she had little chance at conception, let alone carrying a child to term. And while she hadn't realized that she actually wanted a baby, the discovery that she could scared her even more. Not being able to have a child in the first place was one thing, but having the possibility and losing it before they were even trying frightened Erin to her very core.

She was sobbing, guttural, heart-wrenching sobs that echoed on the tiles as she sat on the shower floor. The water was hot as it poured over her, turning her fair skin pinker with every passing minute. She knew that it was only a matter of time before her partner entered, knowing that he couldn't bear the thought of leaving her alone to wallow in her sadness, but she couldn't bring herself to extract herself from the ground.

Her suspicions were confirmed minutes later by a soft knock at the bathroom door, followed by a "Babe?" She did nothing, and remained curled on the tiles, holding her legs to her chest like they were her lifeline. Another loud sob escaped her lips before she could stop it, and Jay opened the bathroom door. She doesn't meet his gaze, she couldn't meet his gaze, but she could feel his concerned baby blue's on her quivering form as she huddled beneath the stream, unwilling to make any moves.

It only makes her sob harder when he reached into the shower and turned off the powerful cascade before stepping into the glass chamber with her. He sank to his knees, dry pants be damned, and wrapped her in one of her fluffy grey towels. Erin could barely hear him through the pounding in her own head and the vibration of her aching heart as she sagged against him, whole body shuddering with painful sobs.

Jay grew quiet, just listening to his girl's heavy breath as she wept, unable to find the words to comfort her. He knew that there was nothing he could really say to take away the pain, so he remained, cradling her soaking wet head against his snowflake pajama top that he had forgone shedding before the ill-fated trip to the convenience store.

They had done their fair share of holding one another after particularly traumatic experiences – Jay holding Erin after Nadia died, Erin sitting rigidly beside her partner after Terry, after a particularly bad night with fireworks...but this particular ordeal felt like the pain of all they had endured together, rolled into one. Listening to Erin's cries reverberate off the tiled walls absolutely shattered Jay's heart.

"I'm here, babe," he choked out, holding her closer as she let out an agonizing wail, "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

It was nearing three in the morning by the time Erin's sobs had lessened and the tears stopped falling down Jay's cheeks. The bathroom had grown cold, Erin shivering violently against her partner with only a damp towel around her exhausted frame. Jay's sweats and snowflake top were soaked with tears and shower water, clinging to his body in chilled patches. Erin was still awake in his arms, shuddering intermittently. "How about we get into bed?" Jay managed, tenderly stroking her damp cheek with pruney fingers, "It's nice and warm in there."

Erin stifled a sob by turning her face into Jay's neck, attempting with all her might to mold herself into her fiancé's strong form. They were a mess of shivering, uncoordinated limbs as Jay tried to maneuver them out from the shower and into the bathroom, Erin clinging limply to the soggy towel and Jay's pajama shirt, unable to force her legs to bear weight. He hooked his tired arms underneath her knees and cradled his girl against chest before standing carefully atop the slippery tile.

After gingerly setting her on the toilet seat, Jay proceeded to wrap Erin in a fresh towel and dry her damp locks in an attempt to warm her up faster. "W-why?" Erin let out a strangled cry as he draped another towel over her thin shoulders and sank to his knees in front of her. He stopped his movements and peered into her broken hazel eyes sadly. Before he could open his mouth, more words tumbled from hers, "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what, babe?" Jay asked gently, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ears and running a hand over her goose-bump covered arm, "Am I hurting you?"

She shook her head, tears flying off in all directions as she stared up at him, "Why're you being so nice? I was so mean to you today."

"You went through a lot in the past few hours," Jay replied honestly, reaching to the sink to grab Erin's favorite pull over of his, "I know how badly you're hurting Er, and I…I just want you to be okay."

Erin erupted in another sob, leaning forward into Jay's arms. He held her tightly, gently smoothing his hands over the towels, "I'm sorry," she wept, leaning back and dragging a shaking hand across her nose, "I-I guess I just have all these hormones rushing through my body and…" She burst into tears again, "W-what are we going to tell Kate?"

Jay pressed a kiss on her damp temple, letting his lips linger. He hadn't fully thought about what they were going to tell their brilliant little girl, how they were going to explain what had happened to her mother. "We'll figure it out," he breathed against the side of her head, "We'll find something to say."

She nodded weakly, leaning forward into his embrace again, "'m sorry that I scared you again. I'm sure it wasn't a good call to receive."

"I gotta say, you teaching Kate how to use the cell phone came in handy," Jay mused, threading his fingers through Erin's damp hair, "She knew just what to do."

"So, if you're ever in trouble, or you need me or Jay, you just call this number," Erin instructed, demonstrating how to push the buttons that appeared on the screen, "Do you remember what my number is?"

Kate nodded slowly, holding Erin's cell phone gently in her palm, "I call you? And you come?"

"That's how it works," Erin smiled, "Once you put the number in, you'll hear it ringing," she demonstrated on the phone in Kate's hand, ensuring that speaker was pressed, "And then, Jay or I will pick up."

"Halstead," Jay said into the phone, holding it to his ear while he sat at his desk, "Hello? Er?"

"Hey, babe, just teaching Kate how to call us if there's ever an emergency," Erin explained, giving Kate a smile, "See, baby? Jay's on the other end. And if we needed him, he could come home."

The little girl looked up at Erin, alarmed. "H-how come Jay not comin' back?"

"Oh no, he's coming back, but just a little bit later," Erin assured her, "Right Jay?"

"Yep, I'll be back later tonight, Squirt," Jay promised, "I have a quick meeting in a few minutes, but don't worry, I'll be home soon."

Kate seemed to relax slightly. She looked up at Erin curiously, "And if there was a 'mergency, Jay would come now?"

"That's right," Erin confirmed, gently rubbing the child's thin arm. She had been living with them for just over two weeks and was still steadily warming up. Jay was headed to his veteran's support group meeting, so she had taken Kate home early from work since it had been a hot and slow summer day. "And same goes for me. If you call me, or Jay, we'll be there. No matter what."

"If-if-if I got taked back?" Kate asked, now glancing nervously down at the glowing cell phone, "You would still come get me if I called?"

"Absolutely," Jay's voice sounded choked up through the line, "Any time you need us."

She breathed a sigh of relief and offered Erin a small smile, "That's good."

"She had your number memorized, just like I taught her," Erin gave a watery smile and sniffed loudly, "God she's so smart."

Jay kissed the top of Erin's forehead, "And she's sleeping soundly, last I checked. You wanna climb into bed? Hank said there's no way in hell we're getting into the district tomorrow, so we get to sleep in."

"You never sleep in," Erin scoffed, dragging her hand across her runny nose again, "You're always up before me. Starting at me like a creeper."

He chuckled, helping his girl to her still-unsteady feet, "How's the pain?"

She shrugged dejectedly, "Aches, still, I guess. Not bad." Erin swallowed thickly, "I'm fine."

"Remember when I said that I should get you a mug with that printed on it?" Jay raised his eyebrows, "C'mon babe, let's get you warmed up."

With gentle fingers, Jay helped Erin into the hoodie and a pair of worn sweatpants. He led her toward the bedroom, frowning slightly when he noticed how gingerly she was still walking. She eased onto the bed while he shed his saturated sweats and snowflake pajama top (that, if he was being honest, he never wanted to see again). "You're coming to bed though, right?" Erin looked up at him, appearing forlorn and fragile perched on the comforter, exhaustion written across her cheeks.

Jay nodded and reached into the bottom drawer of his dresser to retrieve an old heating pad that he last used after he had been kidnapped and tortured by Benji Keyes. He plugged it into the outlet beside Erin's nightstand and quickly closed the gap between the two of them, delicately placing the warm pad across her sore stomach. "Mm," she mumbled, struggling to widen her eyes in appreciation as he perched on the edge of the mattress, rubbing gentle circles atop the heating pad while she lay down, "You wanna get under the covers, Halstead?" Erin flashed the first tired smile of the day. Jay could have wept with relief at the reappearance of those dimples, "Sittin' up and staring at me creepily doesn't count as sleep."

He moved a hand from her stomach to cup her cheek, "I'm just glad you're here." Jay stroked her cheek tenderly with his thumbs and took a deep breath, "When Kate called I…" he trailed off, unable to complete the thought. Instead, he leaned forward to press a kiss on her lips, "I'm just glad you're here," he repeated, "So glad."

"'m glad too," Erin reached an arm out to stroke Jay's forearm, "I'm sorry for being so mean." Tears filled her tired eyes for the umpteenth time in the past few hours, "I-I-I don't deserve you."

Jay just shook his head, kissing Erin's lips gently, "Babe, you are the most incredible woman I know. You've been through so much today and…" He trailed off again, "I love you. And I am always going to be here for you." Jay moved his hand to her heart, placing it against the diamond ring, "I promise. Nothing you do or say is going to make me let go, alright?" He kissed her forehead, not caring that he had probably kissed her a hundred times that evening. "And we're gonna be okay."

She nodded meekly, tugging at his t shirt, "Lay down with me," she begged, "I-I-I want you to hold me." Erin cast her eyes down, almost in shame. And again, Jay felt his heart clench at the sheer vulnerability of his incredibly guarded fiancé.

"Of course." He rounded the bed and climbed beneath the covers. Immediately, she shifted closer until they were intertwined, Jay's palms resting on her aching belly. "I love you," Erin murmured, nestling closer against his body, "Thank you."

"I got you," Jay replied into her neck, placing yet another kiss on her collarbone, "I got you, babe."